from the second I heard those words: “we found a body”
my heart sank.
I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think
and when at least I managed to move all I can think about was a moment that you and I shared years ago over and over.
The same insignificant moment repeats in my head I can’t tell you why.
It was your birthday, your first turn out to play for Maryland, Jamie must’ve been two, he said you didn’t wanna do anything and I insisted on at least having your favourite ice cream, do you remember this?
I got mint chocolate chip and you asked why I thought that was your favourite.
I was so confused;
everytime we got an ice cream together that’s what you always chose!
You told me rocky road was your favourite and you looked at me so tenderly, Nathan,
and you said you always chose chocolate chip because you knew it was my favourite flavour.
And that’s when I realized for the first time that you hadn’t been making any of your decisions for yourself,
you were doing everything for me,
all for your family.
And it occured to me that we still had to learn so much about each other.
And since then Nathan I’ve learnt about the wonderfully selfless strong man you are.
I can’t hear that you’ll never come home again,
that I’ll never learn something new about you again,
never experience your selflessness, your warmth touch again.
have we really had our last conversation? our last kiss? I don’t know what I’d do if… please.”