orginal shit

happy 420 connor day

i cant believe the greasy boi is growing up yall

A Simple Beginning Ritual

So I’ve seen this pop up a couple of times in the tags and on Ask a Kemetic so I thought I’d chuck in my own 2 cents. Now this is KO influenced a bit, but hey, there are rituals in “kemetic” beginners books that read like the zombie of Gerald Gardner wrote em so who says influence is all bad? So here we go, super beginners and casual, no worries the Noof has got you.

What You’ll Need

- a flat surface. A bed is flat enough just not like an exercise ball or something. Floor is ok just maybe give it a good clean first or put down a cloth (yes a nice clean towel works)

-A light source. Candle, LED candle, even a flashlight if that’s what you’ve got

-Some good smelling stuff. Incense,oil warmer, those meltly wax cubes, or have your light source do double duty and have it be scented like a scented candle. A spritz of perfume even is ok.

- Water. If you can get nice purified kind that’s aces, but if tap is what you got go with that.

- Offerings. This can be bread, some of your pizza, gems, just something you want to give to  (the) Netjer that is from your heart. You can even make a votive offering by drawing the thing you want to offer, from bread to an iphone, if you can draw it or print it out and it’s from your heart then it’s a go. 

- An icon of the specific Netjer you are trying to say hi too. You can draw this, write out their name in hieroglyphs. If you just want to do a “Hey all ya’ll “ you can just use the sign for God/Netjer 

(From “conceptions of god in ancient egypt by Erik Hornung) you can use this lil fellow too:


We aren’t going to worry about stuff like Natron quite yet, so just go wash up as best you can and put on some clean clothes. If you are bleeding from a wound, clean that and redress it with fresh dressings. Menstrual taboo stuff I live up to each person. If you feel up to it ok go ahead, if you wanna wait it out ok. Unless you join an organized temple like KO it’s between you and your gods. 

So you’re all cleaned up and have set up your stuff so it looks nice to you, so have a seat if you want.You could do this all standing, or even laying down if you are bed bound, just don’t get so comfy you fall asleep. Take a second to count your breaths, center yourself. This can be hard, you might be nervous, or giddy or any other number of things.Just try and be as calm as you can get in that moment. Take your time. 

Turn on/light your light source and say 

“ Hail to you Netjer! Shining ones! Lover’s of Ma’at and haters of isfet!

I (your name goes here) call out to you, pure of heart and true of voice!

Please come and guide me so I may have a good life, doing ma’at, loving you and pass into the west.”

You can add on to this if you want. 

Pick up your water and hold it up a bit, presenting it to your icon and say;

“ I offer this water to you so you may be cooled and your love flow into me”

Put that down and pick up your good smelling thing/spritz it/waft it round and say:

“Oh Netjer! May this scent please and harold your coming into my life! May you give me life and breath!”

Take up your offerings and say 

“May this offering of -blank- please and sustain you as you sustain me”

You can use this time to make personal prayers, read from a book, meditate, do some divination it’s up to you. When you feel that you’re done, turn off/snuff out your light source, thank Netjer for being with you and generally clean up.

Trouble Shooting:

1: I want to work with a specific god.

In that case, do a little bit of research first, find out what they like in terms of offerings, for example Amun loves Myrrh, so you might want to offer some of that as a chunk or incense. You generally can’t go wrong with bread and water though. Then in the spoken portions where it says “Netjer” just insert the specific deity’s name.  

2: I didn’t feel anything! It was boring!

That happens. It is perfectly normal and ok. Not every ritual is going to be a magical mystery tour of spiritual elation. Sometimes you are going to be bored and feel silly sitting there talking to a picture. It’s part of this path just as much as visions and ka embraces. You can repeat this ritual again the next day if you want to, you can wait and look for signs, dreams, divination’s or go try another ritual by someone else or make up your own. Sometimes the netjer are busy and so you might get the proverbial “answering machine”. Don’t get to down on yourself. It happens. Keep at it. You can also shoot me an ask or message.

3: That was too casual and just what? Nothing like the ancients! Iphone votive offerings?! LED candles? Non-canon prayers!? What is this crap!?

Sorry there friend. This is what I did pre-KO and it got me a good response, Netjer hasn’t struck me dead yet so it seems to be ok. If you don’t like it, you’re free to not do it, go find one you like or make up your own one. *shrug emoji*

How did you end up moving in together

based on this wonderful comic  by zombiedogz

M:“Move in with?”

M:“You are mistaken. I did not move in with Doflamingo.Nor did he move in with me and the others. He doesn’t even live here…“

M: “He keeps finding different ways to break into the house and we can’t get him to leave”

D: “Hey, so like yesterday Moria totally ate all of the cheese- its so whenever Croc goes on another grocery run can you tell him to pick some more up?”

D: “Also hey can I borrow five bucks?”

Mihawk: hyrinku
Doflamingo: Me
Photographer: ticksan

CLYDE: “You know, I’ve seen a few of you guys mention mean anons, but I still don’t know what exactly happened.”
CLYDE: “I wonder if I can find them in here—“

CRAIG: “Hey dude, I’m done. We should probably hit the hay soon, I’m exhausted.”
CLYDE: “Hey Craig, do you mind if I ask something?”
CRAIG: “Shoot.”
CLYDE: “….”
CLYDE: “Where are you sleeping?”
CRAIG: “…?”

CRAIG: “The floor? I don’t want to punch your broken arm or something in my sleep.”
CLYDE: “Oh. Haha. Alright then.”
CLYDE: “I’ll go ahead and turn off your computer dude.”

anonymous asked:

this is gonna sound dumb, but what do you do with the offerings after you've offered them? I've heard some people say leave them, some say bury them, some say use them, and I don't know what to do, I don't want to mess up and offend the Gods

No it’s not dumb at all! It’s actually a really common question so your'e not alone!
In ancient times after the rituals the priests would revert the offerings and eat them/use them. So if in the temple of Amun-Ra for breakfast the god was served 12 loaves of bread and 2 things of roast fowl, guess what the priests were having for breakfast/lunch? Yup 12 loaves and some fowl. Nothing was wasted. So in modern times we do that too. If you offer some water and bread, when you are ready or feel that the gods have eaten it you can take it off your altar and eat it yourself.
I personally have some ziplock bags I use labeled “Reverted Offerings” for things like dates, candy, lots of bread. I leave them round for my family to eat out of if there is a lot. Also it keeps me from offering spiritually “eaten” things twice. When I grab say a to-go salad and offer it I take a permanent marker and put a big R on it if I’m not going to eat it right away, it also signals to my partners that if they want the salad they can ask and it won’t be like they accidentally stole from the gods. For stuff that is going to be offered I either write “To Be Offered”, put it in a labeled ziplock of put a post it note on it. I have memory issues and I find this really helpful, also no one eats Set’s chocolate chip cookies in the middle of the night
accidentally. You can drink the water/juice/soda/wine/beer as well.
That covers food offerings.
Now let’s talk about non-food offerings. Say you want to offer a bracelet. You would offer it and then you can keep it on the shrine/altar as a permanent addition, keep it on there and take it off when you want to wear it, or take it and put it with the rest of your jewelry. I have a “Dads” necklace that has Amun and Set pendents. I occasionally put it back on their altar to “recharge”.
Votive offerings: I have a little"gold bar" that is really just a box that one of those “dig your own gems!” things came in. But I use it as a votive offering as a real gold bar. There is no way I could ever get my hands on a real gold bar, but because of the Heka of votive offerings, it is just as good! So I occassionally offer that. I leave it on the altar for however long, then I take it off and place it in my cabinet with the rest of my supplies.Each time I re-offer it I sprinkle it with some Natron water (if you don’t have that kosher salt and water works too) and re-new it.
TLDR: You eat it. You keep it on and take it off if it’s non edible and you feel like it.
Generally the Netjer aren’t really stuck up and easily offended I’ve found. Just revert food offerings before it gets nasty cause I’m sure rotting food would get them angry.

Anyone But Him (Chapter 14)

Author: mlchaeijones
Word Count: 1,993 words
Warnings: Angst in the future. A lot of being taken advantage of shit. Gavin’s an asshole. Also, we have some smut up in here. A handjob. No hardcore ass sex or anything, but still. 
Summary: High school AU. See prompt for more details. Normally my writing is kind of conceptual in nature, so this is a bit of a change for me. A welcome change, but still. Also, I love Lindsay to death, and ship Juggey hardcore. But I also ship Mavin. For the purposes of this AU, they don’t know each other. Turnfree also. Same there.

Pairing: Mavin

Author’s Note: This is both therapeutic and interesting for me to write, as it is more or less based on something that actually happened to me, just expanded a bit. However, it makes a good story, though this will end well. Unlike what happened in real life. The links are really fucked up right now. My internet is shit, so I can’t promise I’ll be able to fix them tonight, but I’ll try. By the way, if you want to read anything else of mine, all my work can be found here

Chapters: (1)(2)(3)(4)(5)(6)(7)(8)(9)(10)(11), (12), (13), (14), (15)

Chapter Fourteen

“Lead the way.”

Michael couldn’t move fast enough. Entwining their fingers, he tugged desperately on Gavin’s hand, trying to get him to follow after him. However, Gavin stood firm, a smirk making its way across his face.

“You’re so bloody desperate, Michael,” he purred. A moment later he was pulling away, causing Michael to groan.

“You said to lead the way,” he insisted, moving so that he was directly in front of the other boy. “So come with me.”

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