I want to start going to therapy again but idk, there are so many shitty therapists.
Just yesterday a coworker was talking about how one she went to with her ex said their relationship didn’t work out because “she acted like the man and he acted like the woman and he wasn’t used to being ‘the prey’” and what made me saddest was that she and all my coworkers and almost everyone I know buys into that bullshit, I just scoffed and one of them said “well if he acts like a woman then good that you broke up lol”
I don’t want to pay someone to tell me to be more “ladylike”, I get that for free every day without even asking…
If someone comes and meets that need, the baby feels better and she learns that she can have an influence on the world around her. A pathway forms in her brain to that effect. But if the baby cries and no one comes, she feels helpless in the world because she starts to learn that she can’t change anything around her. And a pathway forms in her brain about that.
Now many years later she’s grown up and still struggling with a sense of feeling helpless. That’s an example of how struggles can be related to deep beliefs that can have been forming since as early as babyhood. And it’s hard work to change those pathways.
Now imagine a jeep driving every day through a field of long grass. The well-used path is easy to drive along but always gets to the same place. If you want to get to a different place, you have to forge a new path. At first it is very hard going to push through the long grass. If you only do it once, the grass quickly grows back again. But the more often you travel that new path, the easier it becomes. Every time you travel along that path, you are pushing that grass out of the way and making the path a little clearer for the next time, but it takes a lot of repeated travelling over that path while also not taking the other path, before the new path becomes the easiest one to take.
And this is why changing neural pathways takes a long time and a lot of hard work
Attachment disorder is where a child or adult is unable to form normal healthy attachments. This is usually due to detrimental early life experiences - such as neglect, abuse, separation from their parents or primary caregivers (after six months of age and before three years of age), frequent change of caregivers, and lack of responsiveness from their caregivers.
Symptoms vary depending on age. In adults, they fall under one of two categories – either avoidant or anxious/ ambivalent personalities. These are summarized below.
· Intense anger and hostility
· Hypercritical of others
· Extremely sensitive to criticism, correction or blame
· Lacks empathy
· Sees others as untrustworthy and unreliable
· Either sees themselves as being unlovable or “too good” for others
· Relationships are experienced as either being too threatening or requiring too much effort
· Fear of closeness and intimacy
· Compulsive self-reliance
· Passive or uninvolved in relationships
· Find it hard to get along with co-workers and authority figures
· Prefers to work alone, or to be self employed
· May use work to avoid investing in relationships
2. Anxious/ Ambivalent
· Demonstrates compulsive caregiving
· Problems with establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries
· Feels they give they give more than they get back
· Feels their efforts aren’t noticed or appreciated
· Idealizes people
· Expects their partner to repeatedly demonstrate their love, affection and commitment to them, and the relationship
· Emotionally over-invests in friendships and romantic relationships
· Are preoccupied with close relationships
· Overly dependent on their partner
· Believes that others are out to use them or to take advantage of them
· Fears rejection
· Is uncomfortable with anger
· Experiences a roller coaster of emotions – and often these are extremes of emotion
· Tends to be possessive and jealous; finds it hard to trust
· Believes they are essentially flawed, inadequate and unlovable.
I already know what’s wrong with you. You’re unhappy. You’re isolated. You think you’re the cause of this unhappiness and unworthy of affection so you have few friends. Recently, you lost something you think very important. Your lover? Your faith? Your family? Or all three? You blame yourself for this so it makes you neurotic and you don’t sleep and don’t eat. Anything healthy, anyway. You used to take care of your appearance but you’ve lost interest in that so you avoid mirrors. Sunlight bothers you so you avoid that too, about which you’re guilty because you think it’s unhealthy and even immoral not to like the sun.