voltron characters as things i have heard people actually say in my ap classes part two:
sendak: “i would willingly stab out my own eye with this pencil if it means i look more badass”
haxus: “sometimes i just look at myself in the mirror and think ‘holy shit i’m so attractive’ or ‘who the fuck dragged this piece of shit out of the garbage’ and there’s just no in between”
thace: “sometimes i sigh so loud that i’m genuinely surprised my lungs aren’t catapulted from my chest cavity”
prorok: “wow can you believe you get to breathe the same air as me ??? you must be blessed *finger guns*”
rolo: “wanna hear about the time i saw jesus after mixing four shots of caffeine with two red bulls and a redline ??? lol i don’t know how i’m alive either but i got my essay done in like twenty minutes”
nyma: “i got an 89 on the last essay and a 36 on the one we just got back and all i can say is get you a girl that can do both”
shay: “*shoving cloth into her bag from the theater department* i keep telling everyone that i own cats but it’s a lie. its a dirty dirty lie these are for the raccoons that visit my backyard. i also buy cat food for raccoons can you believe the predicament i’m in”
kolivan: “bitch i would punt you into the sun no hesitation”
ulaz: “my life is the bee movie except every time someone says ‘essay’ i die just a little more inside”
antok: “everyone says i’m a chill guy but my life is crashing down around me and my internal monologue is one giant keyboard smash on caps lock *takes sip of coffee*”
I just viewed a post that was blocked for sensitive content on my dash, and it turned out to be….the Ninth Doctor and Rose Tyler holding hands at the beginning of Father’s Day. I mean…I get it, tumblr, the Doctor and Rose holding hands is definitely sensitive content that could be considered sexual in any context.
Cryptocracy is the best scifi action-comedy about gay space pirates battling both Earth Fascism and Space Fascism you’ll read all week!! You can trust me on that, I wrote the damn thing!!
Whether you’re reading for the first time or engaging in a long overdue reread, I decided it would be to everyone’s benefit to have a one-stop shop for all chapters of the book!! This is the entire book, and as always, it is provided for free at no cost to you!! Please read this book, and don’t forget to share this post with your friends!!
couldn’t believe how lucky you had been! Only six people had been
selected in the whole country and you got to be one of them! An
interstellar alliance had recently made contact with Earth and offered
six lucky people - randomly drawn, of course - the chance for a year
long cruise through the galaxy.
You were greeted on the ship and
led to a cozy room with soft carpet and cushy chairs to sit in. You had
been the first to arrive, but the other winners had quickly followed. As
the six of you - three men and three women - sat and chatted excitedly
amongst yourselves, you couldn’t believe how swanky this ship was.
Especially given it had been designed by other species. Soon, a
human-looking man in a suit greeted you all.
chirped, with an enormous grin on his face. “We’re beginning takeoff as I
speak, but you shouldn’t feel any turbulence. And don’t worry, this
ship is the safest the alliance has to offer. And, of course, you will
all be well taken care of during your stay on this ship with your new
“Mates?!” all six of you cried.
“Why, of course,” he stated, as if it were obvious. “Didn’t anyone tell you?”
“Well, it’s only for a year, right?” one of the other women offered hopefully.
not,” your host retorted, sounding almost offended. “All of the species
you’ve been paired with mate for life. As I understand it, you humans
are monogamous, are you not?”
“Sometimes,” one of the men snorted with a smirk.
Another man appeared confused. “But how could we mate with different species? Obviously there will be no offspring.”
host rolled his eyes. “You humans are so behind, technologically. We
are more than capable of making all of you compatible with your new
“Aren’t you human?” you asked.
“No,” he replied
patiently. “I’m a shape-shifter. And you’re all very lucky none of you
are going to be impregnated by my species. Our females are pregnant for
five years,” he informed them with a smirk. “Obviously all of you will
carry your young for different lengths of time, though. Two of you will
be assigned to each species, but even if you have the same species,
there will be variance in the lengths of time you each carry the young.”
“Each?!” the three men cried.
“We’re not getting pregnant, right?” a small, pale man asked.
most certainly are,” the shape-shifter corrected. He received a ping on
a device and a large smile split onto his face. “Okay, each of your
mates is prepped in a room for all of you, so after your physical, you
can go straight to them.”
You were then ushered off into an
examination room as you were thoroughly examined - particularly in your
child-bearing abilities. Just when you thought all the poking and
prodding was over, you were given multiple injections all over from your
neck to your uterus. At first you didn’t feel anything but after a few
moments you began to feel…strange.
“Don’t worry, honey,” the
nurse - who was a reptilian species - told you in an attempt to be
comforting. “Molzon hormones tend to make you feel a little funny, but
you’re just fine.”
As she lead you to where your ‘mate’ awaited, you asked her, “What’s a Molzon?”
they’re amphibious,” she drawled. “If I’ve read my human folklore
correctly, then they’re kind of like your mermaids. Except: instead of a
fish tail, they have tentacles as their lower half. You seem like a
sweet girl, so I’m sure you and him will get along just fine.”
stared expectantly at you as you stood outside the door. Feeling as
though you were going to throw up from a combination of nervousness and
Molzon hormones, you opened the door.
Inside, you saw him and he
was close to what the nurse had described. He was a sort of octopus
merman with blue-green skin that was shifting color slightly. However,
unlike the mermen conjured in your imagination, he a little thick around
the middle. It almost looked a little like a beer belly. He noticed you
come in and his eyes grew wide as he blushed. “Oh, hi!” His voice
cracked nervously. “I thought you might want to have some dinner, first.
That’s what humans do, right?”
He appeared unsure as to whether
or not what he’d done was appropriate, so you nodded silently as he lead
you to a candlelit table - like something you’d see at a fancy
You knew you were staring, but you couldn’t really
help it. After all, he was an alien species. He appeared to have very
little difficulty walking above water with his tentacles and because his
tentacles were so long, he was about seven feet tall.
went surprisingly well, given the circumstances and Zeri, that was his
name, was actually a total sweetheart. He enjoyed puzzles and playing
musical instruments, and reading. The nerdy Molzon would have been
exactly your type…had he been human.
“This isn’t fair to you,” he
stuttered after dinner. “I know a female of my species would be much
better suited-” But he cut himself off with a slight groan before
stuttering out, “Did they give you the hormones, already?”
“Yeah,” you squeaked back.
began massaging his belly and whimpering. “I’m so sorry,” he cried,
before gently pulling you into an adjoining room that had a large,
marine pool. He gently removed your clothes and eased you into the pool,
before doubling over and moaning in pain, clutching his belly again.
Then, as he lowered himself into the pool, he began panting and moaning a
little as he tried to explain. “The pheromones…ghhnnng…they make
me….hoo hoo hoo….I can’t stop….gaaah!” he gave a sharp cry, continuing
to rub his belly, which appeared to be…clenching? “I have to mate.”
he let out a monumental groan before pulling you to the middle of the
pool, careful to keep your head above water. You felt something begin to
prod around your vagina before unceremoniously entering. You gave a
pained cry, causing Zeri to flinch, but he didn’t stop and you felt the
appendage slide far up into you, past your cervix, and enter your
You were trembling from the pain and Zeri continued to
stutter out apologies as his eyes watered from the great deal of pain he
was obviously in, too. His tentacles held you in place as his human
arms wrapped around his middle and he let out something between a groan
and a grunt. “Hnnngggg.” His face slackened a little in relief as you
saw a large object come out of his body, slowly begin traveling up the
appendage he had inserted inside you before it, too, began prodding at
“Zeri,” you cried in a panic.
“I’m so sorry.”
object forced its way into your vagina, eliciting a scream of pain from
you as it traveled slowly up to deposit itself in your uterus. The
result was a slightly distended belly, while Zeri’s belly looked
He moaned again, grunting and crying as another came out of him to force its way into you again.
This process continued for the better part of two hours and you were now HUGE - filled with eight of the damn things.
is…the last…one,” Zeri huffed, having difficulty breathing from all the
effort exerted on his part. He continued uttering apologies as he began
to expel the final egg. But this one took a lot longer than the others.
“Ggghhh,” he grunted after twenty minutes, before giving out a
startling cry as the egg left his body.
As you saw it traveling
towards you, you found out why he’d had so much difficulty. The eggs,
which had all been about the size of an elephant bird egg, paled in
comparison to this one, which was almost twice as big as the others.
“No, no, no, no, no,” you bawled, as it inched closer. “Please, no,” you
sobbed as it began to make contact with your already sore pussy. But of
course, it went in, anyway. You thought for sure you would be ripped in
half and die as the ninth one was shoved in, but it made it into your
uterus, just as the others did.
“One final part,” he promised.
liquid began to pump out of his appendage and fill you. Your belly,
once misshapen due to the lumpy eggs, began to smooth out and expand
even further. You gasped and wheezed through the next few minutes as you
were pumped with the fluid.
Then, it was finally over. Zeri, as
sweaty as he was, and as much as he panted, helped you out of the water,
though his tentacles were far from steady. It was difficult for you to
stay upright since you felt as though you’d gained over 100 pounds since
entering the water and, looking at your girth, that was definitely
possible. You couldn’t wrap your arms entirely around your belly and
there was about five or six inches between your fingertips when you
tried. “I’m sure your exhausted,” he huffed, trying to keep both of you
upright. “I’ll take you to your room.”
Your room was luxurious to say the least. You wanted to shower, but decided against it and just collapsed onto the bed, naked.
arrange for some clothes to be brought for you tomorrow that should
fit.” He had the biggest look of guilt you’d ever seen. “I’m so sorry,”
he cried again, before leaving you alone.
You covered yourself
with blankets, painfully aware of your newly distended belly. It was
impossible to get comfortable with how angry the stretched skin felt and
the extra weight, but you tried to sleep nonetheless. As Zeri had
suspected, you were indeed exhausted.
The final thought that popped into your head as you drifted off was: how long will I be like this?
Dr Who but each incarnation is swapped with one of their companions.
omg?? I love it??
The First Doctor:
She’s not completely unfriendly, exactly, she just doesn’t have time for humans being idiots. In the right circumstances, she can actually be very warm. She loves history, which is lucky because her granddaughter Susan does too (they tell people Susan is her daughter, but even then it’s a bit of a stretch, human ages are weird). Of course, then two of Susan’s teachers follow her home one night, and next thing the Doctor knows she has a crotchety old history teacher and a handsome young science teacher on her spaceship with no way to get rid of them that isn’t morally questionable.
The humans help her lose some of her haughtiness. She leaves Susan in the 22nd century to become her own woman.
Along the way and against her better judgement, she falls hopelessly for Ian Chesterton. He wants to stay with her forever, but she knows it would never work, and encourages him to go with John Foreman in the Dalek Time Machine to get back to his own time.
Later, in other lives, she checks in on him occasionally.
The Second Doctor:
The baby face is a problem. It takes a good twenty minutes on a lot of occasions to get anyone to take her seriously. On the bright side, a lot of Polly’s clothes fit her now.
She finds a best friend in Scotsman Jamie McCrimmon, whose rather naive approach to futuristic technology is extremely refreshing, as is his unique insightfulness.
After Ben and Polly leave them, they rescue Victoria, who Jamie is utterly taken with. Victoria is unsure about living a life so unsupervised by someone older and won’t listen to the Doctor’s insistence that she is in fact perfectly qualified to look after them all.
She and Victoria spend a good many nights aboard the TARDIS talking about women’s history and the things to come for women in the future and how women act on other planets. Victoria is fascinated, occasionally horrified, and often quietly thrilled at the things she learns.
It’s a shame to see her go, but all she ever wanted was a family and security, and the Doctor can’t provide that.
They meet an eccentric man on a space station, with funny trousers and an obsession with the recorder. The Doctor and Jamie like him instantly, and invite him on board only to learn that the man had been considering stowing away if not invited.
The Time Lords take her friends away from her. She is forced to regenerate and exiled to Earth, as punishment for her interference.
The Third Doctor:
Shrewd, passionately devoted to science, and not one to take kindly to interruptions or anyone trying to talk down to or even disagree with her, it’s a wonder the Doctor even gets hired by UNIT at all. But then again, beggars can’t be choosers.
On the bright side, this fellow John Smith from Cambridge seems to be the one person around with an actual brain and not just a penchant for attacking first and thinking later.
They’re friends instantly. Or, they are once she makes it perfectly clear that she is the cleverer of the two. The look on his face when he realises is a memory she’ll treasure forever.
He eventually leaves to go back to his own research, upon realising she doesn’t need him.
It’s a shame and she misses him, but then Jo Grant comes into her life. Despite an awful first impression, the two women are soon fiercely devoted to each other. Jo keeps going on about women having to stick together amongst all the army boys, and while the Doctor could usually not care less about gender politics, if it means Jo hangs around her more, then so be it.
The Master turns up. It’s exhausting and exasperating and oh so much fun.
Meanwhile, the Doctor’s told herself to not let herself fall for humans, after how much Ian hurt. But with Jo, it’s impossible not to. (Not that she hasn’t noticed the Brigadier’s lingering stares, or failed to appreciate him in his uniform. But he’s far too professional to ever do anything, and too trigger happy besides.)
Jo is like sunshine and she’s always there and smiling and pressing herself against the Doctor out of fear or shock, until one day they’re in the supply closet of a spaceship and they’re kissing furiously instead of listening out for their pursuers.
It’s wonderful, being with Jo. Until Clive Jones comes along, and the Doctor has to tell her to forget about her and marry the nice young man who can grow old with her and give her the life she wants.
She drinks more champagne than she is proud of that night.
Luckily, along comes Sarah Jane Smith, who is exactly the kind of human that the Doctor automatically adores. Inquisitive, sharp, and a vocal feminist. What a woman.
Of course, then giant alien spiders happen, and it’s time for a change.
The Fourth Doctor:
Or… not. Apparently, she’s doomed to be young, attractive, humanoid, and pale skinned throughout all her lives. There are worse fates, but she wouldn’t mind a little variety, frankly. And being so small is getting infuriating.
Harry takes a long while to take her seriously, but once he does, he is steadfastly loyal. Sarah Jane takes the regeneration in stride for the most part.
And after them, Leela, who is so strange and savage but so utterly charming in her honesty. They share a few kisses, but nothing more.
Then comes Romana. A young Time Lord who looks older than her, is far taller than is sensible, and has an even more absurd grin. She can’t stand him, with his bragging about his grades and thinking he knows everything.
She soon teaches him that experience wins every time.
Of course, then he spots some pretty princess on Tara, and next thing she knows, the moment the whole Key To Time mess is sorted, Romana is now a less taller, less ridiculous, utterly beautiful Time Lady in her first regeneration.
She tries to argue against what she can only consider body theft, or at least copying, but it is a relief to not have to crane her neck up to speak to her companion.
Romana becomes a most dear friend. She’s missed being around someone like her, someone who understands. It makes it all the worse when she leaves, leaving the Doctor with only Adric and his incessant questions.
The Fifth Doctor:
There’s something about this body, a regality, that commands a little more respect than the ones before it, despite it following the pattern of her others.
Adric’s questions exasperate her, while Tegan’s demands to be taken home are met with gentle requests for patience and promises of Heathrow airport, and this Traken prince she’s picked up is thankfully one of the most polite people she’s ever had in the TARDIS. Decent brain on him, too.
Tegan’s smile sometimes makes her stomach do backflips. The Doctor ignores it. She’s learned her lesson. It’s almost a relief to see Tegan reach her breaking point and leave, except it isn’t, because for a long while it feels like a part of her is missing.
Turlough is a curiosity, but a nice one who makes for surprisingly good company in the absence of the others.
Perpugilliam Brown is a surprise. The Doctor remembers why she has tried to avoid America where possible in her travels. Americans are loud. But in the case of Peri, it involves shouting at the Master, and as such, the Doctor decides that Perpugilliam Brown can stay as long as she likes.
Between the two of them and soon Erimem, uncrowned Pharaoh of Egypt, they make quite the team.
The Sixth Doctor:
It’s about time! Finally, a more weathered model. Peri is surprised to say the least, and seems a little disappointed to lose out on her best friend who had until now looked a very similar age to her, but soon realises very little has changed.
And now she lets the Doctor take care of her a bit better. Thank goodness for that! The maternal instincts in this body are absurdly strong, she has no idea what she would do if she couldn’t express them.
Now, the borderline narcissistic but quietly lovable history professor she accidentally picks up some time after losing Peri is a trickier matter. Still, at least he shares her love for chocolate cake.
The Seventh Doctor:
Bright, bubbly, and able to get most people to like her within ten seconds. Now this is a regeneration she likes. Plus, her most impressive set of lungs yet. Handy, for calling companions who like to wander off.
She tries to not encourage Ace’s use of explosives, but it’s difficult when she sees how genuinely happy they make the girl. She’s getting soft in her old age, she knows.
Still, at least her brain makes up for it. She can out-think a computer, easily. The universe is her chessboard and she’ll do whatever the hell she pleases with it.
The Eighth Doctor:
She’s a jolly thing. Always keen for adventure, ready to shout at anyone who deserves it, and just wants to have a good time, really.
After a rather rocky start involving amnesia and kissing the cardiologist who had caused her regeneration in the first place, the Doctor is just minding her own business when she accidentally messes with history.
It seems that saving this stowaway on the R101 might not have been the best idea after all. But he’s so charming and sweet and genuine, sharing her utter passion for life, that by the time she realises her mistake, she’s not willing to part with him.
That goes… about as well as one might expect.
The Ninth Doctor:
It’s funny, being a weathered old war veteran with a guilty conscience, and simultaneously looking like someone who could be on the front of a magazine.
Life is hard, after the time war, but she meets a man with big ears and blue eyes and things get better. A lot better. It feels good to smile again.
The addition of Captain Jack Harkness is an interesting one, but she’s always said the more the merrier. Their other companion is not quite as happy about this development, but before long they’re the best of friends.
The Tenth Doctor:
She’s gentler now, somehow. Oh, she has her anger and her snark, and boy does this body have a set of lungs on her. But she’s so much softer, underneath.
Losing her friends from her last body takes its toll. She at least manages to avoid comparing Martha to them that came before her. Martha is wonderful, always completing even the most impossible tasks that the Doctor puts to her. They part on good terms, after the Master’s ravaging of the Earth. (The Master had not been so impressed with this version of her. He had trouble seeing the strength within, seeing that she was more than the duality of compassion and shouting.) Martha needs to look after her family, and that’s probably for the best.
And then there’s the skinny idiot in the suit. He actually talks faster than she does, which is absurd, but she wonders if that’s simply because of his questionable family. Perhaps not letting them get a word in is how he survives.
Either way, they get along like a house on fire. Losing him, wiping his memory and seeing him stare right through her and smile that stupid smile, is almost enough to break her.
No more companions, she swears.
The Eleventh Doctor:
It’s all about fun, now. Impressing the little boy whose garden she crashes in and then impressing him when he’s grown up and has waited 14 years for her. (To hell with her rule about no more companions. Her old self was full of dumb ideas anyway.)
Oh yes, she likes Rory Williams a lot. And his best friend John isn’t bad either. Mind you, that nose…
She has her spaceship, and her boys, and life is good. Well, there’s River Song to worry about, but she can never be sure if the archaeologist is more interested in her or John. Just one more mystery, it seems.
Losing Rory, and then John, is hard. But she knows that they’re happy, and that’s enough.
The Twelfth Doctor:
Short, bossy, a control freak, and a slight obsession with tartan. Also, her English teacher companion is secretly a rock star wannabe, disguised as a reclusive Scottish nerd.
What’s a girl to do?
(Apparently, find out that her best enemy is alive, and now also female. And Scottish like her companion. The first kiss had been… shocking to say the least. The ones after, against her better judgement, decidedly less so.)
She cares about her companion more than she will ever say, and when faced with losing him, takes things too far. Further than anyone should ever take anything. And when it is all said and done… she can’t remember his face, or his voice, or how he sounded when he mocked how large her eyes were.
River is there to comfort her, though, in those 24 years on Darillium.
And then Bill. Brilliant Bill. Oh yes, they make quite the team. And Nardole helps sometimes too.