Okay but, even if aphobia was just people ""being mean"" to aces and aros, why is it so laughable that someone...wouldnt want people to be mean to them?? Even if this wasnt a matter of discrimination, being a bully still isnt ok
True and seriously I can’t believe how many ppl will “ironically” call themselves “aphobes” it’s shitty on so many levels
today is transgender day of visibility, so a friendly important reminder to cis people, especially those who call themselves allies,
today is not a day for you to out your trans friends/acquaintances, because of “pride and visibility.” That’s not supportive, it’s dangerous. If you know someone is closeted, do not pressure them to post selfies or come out or whatever today. use the pronouns they need to use in public for their safety.
if you want to be supportive today, reblog selfies and information by people who are out and want their voices boosted. donate to trans charities and gofundmes/donation posts on here, if you’re in a monetary situation you can do so. check in on your trans/nb friends (privately) and see if they’re doing okay.
cis people can and are encouraged to reblog this for reference and to inform other cis people.
Hi Alice, odd question but: Do you believe asexuals belong in the LGBT community? I have a friend who identifies this way, but as a trans girl, I'm struggling to understand how she has to go through the same things as an LGBT person by being asexual. And struggle aside, I don't even see how asexuality is THAT different from heterosexuality, just with more... hesitation!? Maybe this sounds rude, but I know you've written about asexual people etc, and I wondered what you thought. No shade intended
Hi there. I’m glad you reached out to me about this because you must have really upset your friend by saying stuff like this to them.
It’s easy to see why not only cishet people, but also LGBT+ people, think that asexuality is fake. The world is awash with sex and sexual attraction. It’s everywhere. And everyone is supposed to want it and feel it. It’s so extremely normalised that the idea that someone could be literally UNABLE to feel sexual attraction is, to many people, absolutely bizarre and a joke.
Even if you acknowledge that asexuality is real, it’s also easy to see why you would be so quick to reject and get angry at asexual people who call themselves LGBT+. Because asexual people are not like you, are they. Unless they are trans, asexuals don’t have gender troubles, and unless they experience same-gender romantic attraction, asexuals don’t experience same-gender attraction! Lesbian, bi, gay etc people can all be joined together in their experience of same gender attraction, and all trans folks, binary and non binary, can be joined together in their experience of feeing a disconnect from their assigned birth gender.
The result? No one wants asexuals near them. People can’t relate. No one else feels the way asexuals do and people don’t think they should be part of the group. They’re not the same as you.
But oh god, they are not allowed in the cishet club either.
The first thing you need to try and unlearn is that asexuality is in any way similar to heterosexuality. It’s not. It’s so, so fucking not. It’s painful how different it feels to be asexual compared to being heterosexual. Telling an ace person that asexuality isn’t ‘THAT different from heterosexuality’ is about as accurate as saying being gay isn’t ‘THAT different from heterosexuality’. Being asexual means you do not experience sexual attraction, ever. EVER. And while that might seem easy to you, it’s an extremely painful and terrifying thing to learn about yourself, in a world where everyone is expected to have an array of sexual experiences, fall in love, get married, and anyone who doesn’t do that is strange and a freak.
Learning you are asexual can be terrifying. When you realise you’ve never had a crush, when all your friends have had ten each, you are terrified. When you pass the age where people have started dating and having sex and you still feel nothing - NOTHING - you are terrified. When you think about ever falling in love and the idea disgusts you, or you think about falling in love and you crave it, god you CRAVE it, but you know you can’t ever feel that, you are terrified. When you realise you will never be able to enjoy a normal romantic/sexual relationship, the ones full of passion like you see in the movies, and people will reject you because you can’t fancy them in that way, and there’s a higher chance for you than anyone else that you will simply die alone, without love, without children - you are terrified.
You think being ace is the same as heterosexuality? You think it’s an easy thing to learn about yourself? Explain the terror, then. I’m all ears.
The fact you see asexuality as 'hesitation’ is really horrifying to me. Asexuals aren’t attracted to the opposite gender but 'hesitant’ to act on it. Asexuals DO NOT feel attraction. To anyone. It’s not a choice. It’s not a way of life. It’s not the same as celibacy out of choice, or being a 'prude’, or waiting till marriage. It is ingrained in you, just like being gay is, just like being trans is. It is a part of you that no matter how hard you try to will it away, no matter how hard you try to persuade yourself otherwise, you cannot help it. You DO NOT feel attracted to ANYONE.
And in saying all this, I fully acknowledge that asexuals do not experience the extent of oppression that other LGBT+ folks do. There are no laws regarding asexuality. Lesbian, gay, bi, trans, and other LGBT+ folks no doubt experience a higher level and intensity of systematic oppression to asexuals, more frequently go through hard experiences due to their orientation or gender. But since when did being LGBT+ become a competition for 'who’s the most oppressed’? Is that what LGBT+ is? You’re only allowed in the club if you’re 'oppressed enough’? If you’re 'gay enough’? If you’re 'trans enough’?
If you need persuading that asexuals do experience their own form of oppression, though, consider the number of asexuals who are coerced into sex in order to 'fix’ them. Consider the emotional pain that I have already discussed, of feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong and gross about you because you feel attracted to no one. Consider the number of asexuals who are hounded or emotionally abused by their families for failing to find partners. Consider the number of asexuals who force themselves to have sexual experiences, because it is the norm, because they don’t even know what asexuality is, because THEY think that they are just 'hesitant’, despite finding sex disgusting and feeling no desire to do it. Do you really think asexuals are just running around, free and happy and content in who they are? They aren’t. I’m not.
So go ahead. Cast aside asexuals if you want. Call them attention-seeking, call them special snowflakes. Ignore the pain they feel. Make them go through it alone, in pain, terrified of what they are. Why on earth would the LGBT+ community be a place to support people like that!?
Messages like the one you have just sent me gives me further reason to never talk about that part of myself. To just sit and cry about it at home day after day because I do not like myself. Because I feel that nobody will accept me or understand who I am. I could list the number of things people have said to me to discredit and laugh at this part of myself, but it’s people like you who make me embarrassed to talk about it, too scared to own a label and talk about it freely and openly.
I thought, going into this, that the LGBT+ community was one of total respect, understanding, and empathy. I learnt pretty quickly that it is not.
I send love to your asexual friend. I really, really do.
Disclaimer: I am very aware of the nuances of asexuality, of the differences between romantic/aesthetic/sexual attraction, but sadly it seems that many people can’t even grasp the basic concept of asexuality, so I don’t quite think they’re ready for that yet.
“You were directly involved in bringing down the Empire. You and Artoo. So I don’t know why you’re calling me Master. Why you call anyone Master. Seems like people should call you that.”
“Why…I…I don’t know, sir. Programming, I suppose. All droids must do as they are programmed.”
OF COURSE Poe Dameron cares about the civil rights of droids and respects them as individuals. He’s not going to perpetuate a weird slavery hangover where even heroes of the Galactic Civil War are programmed to scrape and bow to humans and call them ‘master’.
But seriously it’s perfectly acceptable among the “exclusionist” crowd to post negativity in positivity tags to collectively punish aces and aros. This tells you all you need to know.
They hate us, they don’t treat us like people. They will tell everyone a dozen times they totally think aces and aros are “valid” to make themselves look good/non-horrible, but in 99% of cases their actions could not make it more obvious their hatred for the ace and aro communities runs deep and that they think this hatred justifies anything thrown at us
As someone with pretty hardcore PTSD, I resent the word “victim”. I have held a resentment for the word “victim” for about a solid decade now, because in about 90% of cases I see the word “victim” being used, I just feel like it should be replaced by another, far more fitting word: “survivor”.
When an ex of mine was comatose in the burn ward, I poured through burn support forums, and I’d see the term “burn victim” and “burn survivor” used interchangeably. It got me thinking about the meaning behind both terms. They were more of less used in reference to the same thing, but the feeling behind them was vastly different:
Victim had a very melancholy sound, and it was harsh and grating. Victim implies you have been completed dominated by whatever is hurting you, or it refers to someone who is presently in the process of being taken over by a terrible situation.
Survivor has a much stronger sound. It’s bright and hopeful. Survivor implies you’ve actually made it through whatever was hurting you, and are alive and continuing to do so. You are no longer directly a part of that terrible situation.
If you’re still here: you are not a victim. Survivors aren’t devoid of scars and trauma, nor do they never experience bad days- having any of those doesn’t invalidate the fact that they are survivors.
I’ve seen people refer to themselves as “abuse victims” or “trauma victims” and it’s like, no, you’re not a victim anymore. These experiences may have left a mark, but you’re still standing, you are a survivor.
Switch your terminology and start perceiving yourself and referring to yourself as a survivor rather than a victim and trust me- it helps immensely in the recovery and adjustment process.
Can we just take a moment to talk about how selfless Matthew Daddario is? Whenever someone degrades themselves in front of him he get’s so flipping hurt and sad and it’s like so cute???? Wtf??? Like he hates when the fans and the cast call themselves Matt/Malec trash and he says that we’re all lovely and he also hates when the cast acts as if he’s more superior then them like I really just wanna meet this man and give him a big old hug for how genuine he is.
how do u feel about bi girls calling themselves gay like "I'm so gay"
I never understood the point of gatekeeping the word gay lmao like I always found it to be the most pointless debate like if a bi girl looks at another girl and she’s like damn I’m so gay!!!! Like me too sis? can relate.
It is no coincidence that a rattlesnake makes the same noise as a bottle of pills. I have seen my friends open their prescriptions as if it has just unhinged its jaw and is about to swallow them whole. When did growing up mean chasing drinks rather than chasing dreams because I can spend a whole day in bed and not once think about where I should be going and when I manage to drag myself out it is a question of how much therapy can you pay for sanity and is it worth it for my parents to empty their wallets so that I can spill my guts because at what point does a shell have to stop calling themselves human? I am so fucking tired of people telling me that there is room for improvement because I can scream into the hollowed out bits of myself and only hear echoes - when you tell me there is space to grow, I will show you that I am the grand canyon when you imagined me as a pothole and it would have been a lot easier to fill me with cement and walk all over me again. Somebody once told me that being bipolar was like trying to visit the opposite ends of the world at the exact same time - that the closer you got to where you want to go, the further you get from where you should have been in the first place and it is a matter of just standing still and letting the Earth do the spinning for you. But I have been trying to take steps and I swear to God if I hear that I am not moving fast enough that I can assure you my body is quicksand and it is enough that I have not completely sunk inside of myself. I do not have black eyes from the struggle, I do not have broken bones that let you know I have been fighting for my life, but I have my beating heart and the sunrise that tells me this is a new day and for now that is enough.
Anyway Moriel shippers whining about Mor being gay can suck my dick lol.
Is it probably tokenism? Yes. Is it probably going to be lazy, last minute representation? Yes. Do any of you homophobes using these things for your complaints actually fucking give a shit about whether or not it’s tokenism? No! You’re just homophobic, so stop pretending like you actually care about the quality of gay representation!
I can’t believe some of you actually have the audacity to to say shit like “this is coming out of nowhere” and “Mor just doesn’t SEEM like she’s gay” and “but poor Azriel!” and “but I wanted Moriel to happen!” and “I’m not saying I don’t want representation, I just don’t think it should be Mor.”
First of all, if you’re straight (and most of the people complaining here are) how DARE you say anything about Mor “seeming gay” or not. How DARE you. What the actual fuck could you possibly know about it. Nothing. You could know nothing.
Second of all, of COURSE you don’t think it should be Mor. You CARE about Mor. Mor is beautiful, bubbly, funny, smart, outgoing. Her storyline is important to the main plot. She’s survived tragedy and emerged triumphant. You relate to her. And most of all, you want her to get together with a male character. And for her to be GAY? Oh no! Now this is ruined for you. Now she’s not perfect anymore. God forbid gay people have a gay character with positive traits they can look up to and relate to in a series. God forbid ONE character out of a TON of straights had to be made gay and now you can’t relate anymore.
I’ve seen multiple people say “I like the representation, but I thought Mor should be with Azriel and Amren should be gay. Why couldn’t it be Amren?” This. Is VERY telling. Amren is described as not overly beautiful, she has a more abrasive personality, and most importantly, she doesn’t seem interested in any kind of romantic relationship. At all. Her being gay would not get in the way of ANY of your straight romances/ships/plots. It probably would’t even be brought up a lot, because it’s doubtful she’d even be with someone. So people saying that Amren would have been a better candidate feels very much like “Ugh, the gays can HAVE that weird freak Amren, but it’s not fair they get that pretty girl! How can MOR be gay?? What about the boy I want as her boyfriend?”
So many people are shielding themselves from being called homophobic by saying “I want a character to be LGBT! I want there to be representation for LGBT! (Just not THIS character)” Well that’s bullshit, first of all because the way you say “LGBT” instead of “LGBT characters” or “gay characters” kinda reveals the way you view representation as some nebulous kind of check-the-box category to get over with instead something actually important, and second of all because the “LGBT representation” that you’re “all for” is a very specific kind of representation. It’s the kind that isn’t really representation at all.
You’re “all for LGBT rep,” but you never actually want characters you LIKE to be gay. You never want the characters you ship in straight relationships to turn out gay. You want the ugly characters, the evil characters (who are going to die anyway), the characters who never end up in relationships, (and the “smol bean xD” men who you fetishize and ship with other men, but that’s another issue) to turn out gay. That way you can pat yourself on the back for how good and diverse your series is while continuing to enjoy the main straight characters in their straight relationships. That way you’re never forced to invest in the humanity of gay people and their stories, because their “stories” are just a casual mention of their sexuality, or a side plot so tiny it might as well not exist (like in tog).
And as for “poor Azriel!” do I really have to tell you why that’s fucking dumb? I guess it’s not uncommon in this fandom to always prioritize men over women (re: “poor Rhysand when Feyre had to sleep with her abuser that must have been so hard for HIM!!”), but still. Listen to yourself.
On top of all of this, I find it pretty funny (I don’t. I don’t find it funny. At all. None of this is funny it makes me want to vomit) that straight people are throwing a tantrum and acting like it’s the worst thing ever that a ship they were passionate about couldn’t work out because of the characters’ sexualities. HAHAHAHAHAHA! The irony of it, honestly, and the fact that none of you realize it… wow. Do y’all. Have any idea. How many times that happens to gay readers? On a REGULAR basis?? The two characters are similar. Have good chemistry. Interact in a way that hints at a relationship. Would be perfect together. You care about them, you grow invested. And just when you think they might be endgame… oops! They’re straight, and they can’t be together. I don’t have an ounce of pity for people saying that they’re SO upset by this because they were in love with the ship and now it can’t happen because of sexuality. This is our LIFE. It happened to you one fucking time, and the relationship wasn’t even that developed; somehow I think you’ll be okay.
To sum it up, when I hear people complaining about Mor being gay because they thought she should be with Azriel, literally all I hear is “wait but gay people are fine only as long as they don’t get in the way of straight ships and characters :( why can’t they stay on the fringes of the plot where they belong and leave us straights alone :( we used to have 100% of the characters and plot and now we only have 99% :( life is so hard :(“
It’s honestly just really disheartening to see straight people responding so nastily to this, especially when this is just a tiny drop of real representation. Mor’s sexuality might not end up being well done in the book, but there are a lot of gay and bi girls who read these books and this could genuinely make a difference to them. And THAT will ALWAYS be more important than the success of a straight ship, especially in a series in which there is absolutely NO shortage of straight ships and characters. Go pick two of the other 10,000 straight characters to ship and leave us alone.