Damn you brain for thinking thoughts that I think I thought?
So I can’t speak for other poly people, but ever since I started this lifestyle and more specifically started dating my girlfriend, I feel like my mind is constantly running a million thoughts for every second of the day. I’ve become my own devils advocate. I constantly worry about if what I’m doing is “right”, or if one day’s these people that I love are gonna grow to resent me or hate me.
I’m a planner. I always have to know what I’m doing and how I’m getting from point A to B. I find myself thinking about how I’m gonna handle a certain situation before it even arises. For example, one of the boyfriends request is that I always come home and never sleep out. However this was said when I was dating, now that I’m more serious with the girlfriend he agreed that he’s ready for that step, but wants to meet her first. Not only am I nervous about the meeting but I’m nervous about how the boyfriend will take his first night alone. So naturally my brain is coming up with all these horrible scenarios and then I start the downward spiral of depression and thinking I’m a shit person for making people I love go through this.
When it comes to polyamory, there isn’t a guide line. There is no how to manual. Sure, there are plenty of resources that I have seen/read/visited but sometimes I wish I could find someone in my same exact situation and pick their brains. Poly relationships come in endless possibilities, each with different structures, agreements, etc. and each one is unique. I can’t stress enough how much all this is worth it tho. When I’m with my girlfriend my brain turns off and I’m able to enjoy our time together. I think about how fucking lucky I am to have these two people that love me and let me love them.
Sadly tho, I find myself having more bad days then good, mentally speaking. No matter how many times each of my partners tell me “I’m happy you’re happy we’re happy everything’s okay” my brain just wants to automatically assume how much of it is true and how much of it is just them saying whatever to make me happy.
Sigh, brain why won’t you just shut down for a bit and realize it is possible to be this happy!