or really his genetics decided it

Fic Idea for Adoption

This popped into my brain, but I’m not at a point to write it right now, so if anyone wants to play with it, feel free.

Bail/Breha/Obi-Wan - AU-no Empire

The War comes to an end and Obi-Wan is on Alderaan with Bail for whatever reason and the news comes over the holonet that Palps is the Sith and he’s been caught/killed/whatever and the Seps are agreeing to peace talks and the war is over! Huzzah! Bail and Obi-Wan have been growing close and getting flirty with each other and Breha’s like hot damn, nice pick Bail, so when the news comes through they have some oh-god-we’re-not-dead-we’re-all-gonna-be-okay sex.

But Bail and Breha have been trying (again) to have babies and have both been off birth control for a while. Obi-Wan never expected to be in that situation, so he wasn’t on anything either. So some time later Breha starts noticing things and sees her specialist and congrats! Pregnant!

Except the doc pulls Breha aside and is like…. uhhh… not sure how to put this, but according to this magic space scan, the other genetic make up is not your husband’s?? I mean, Breha’s cool with this because she’s wanted a baby for ages and Bail’s cool with this since he’s been half-courting Obi-Wan for years now, but they decide to keep quiet with it for a while. I vaguely recall something saying that Breha had miscarriages before they decided to adopt in the canon universe, so they opt to not tell people about the pregnancy for a while out of fear-sad-caution.

But everything seems to be progressing well (and will continue to do so because this is a happy story and the baby will be born healthy).  And when Breha starts to show, they know they need to make an announcement, but they can’t say anything until they talk to Obi-Wan first.

Obi-Wan’s just like… what. *politely flusters* I- what- h- *blinkblinkblink* And when his brain starts back up he helps them spin the story for the press about opting to use a genetic donor to fertilize the eggs and stuff. No one had to know that Obi-Wan was the donor and he’d get to stay in the Jedi life without controversy. In his mind, he kind of decides to be this kid’s doting uncle who’s away a lot.

(Breha and Bail just kind of look at each other and decide to start making a place for Obi-Wan in their home because, really. Bail, at least, has seen some of the extent of Obi-Wan’s devotion to those he considers family and that man will find every chance to come see this baby. They’re both also open to continuing the romance between the three of them, but accept that if Obi-Wan does stay a Jedi, they may not have that and will be very close friends regardless.)

But then Obi-Wan has to go back to the Temple with that kind of news rattling around in his brain and Anakin flails himself into Obi-Wan’s quarters like OBI-WAN I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING IMPORTANT. SO UH PADME AND I ARE MARRIED AND WE KEPT IT A SECRET, BUT THAT’S PROBABLY GONNA COME OUT NOW THAT THE WAR’S OVER AND PADME TOLD ME THIS MORNING THAT SHE’S PREGNANT. –I’M GONNA BE A DAD. –

And Obi-Wan’s just like…. me too.

And then they stand there staring at each other just like… what. 

And that’s as far as my brain got. :D

anonymous asked:

re: Proud Science Dad!Tobirama and Oro's science babies: Now I'm imagining something set in the future of 'How Not to Adopt A Child' where it's SakuOro and yeah. Madara's reaction to his son being pregnant *for spite* makes him flail and shriek like a teakettle, but he *also* remembers how many things *he's* done out of spite - including flirting and dating Tobirama and has to reluctantly admit that Oro's his son-at-heart in so many ways. The best part is if this happens *after* Oro decided 1/2

to help his fathers out when the Elders started pestering them to reproduce because of the DNA and stuff. Oro can admit that his fathers’ genetic material shouldn’t be lost, but he also doesn’t want surrogates, so he goes the canon route of making science babies (probably when he’s only late teens). For siblings (he’s always wanted siblings). They really shouldn’t have been surprised after that when Oro got himself pregnant, but they were. Hashirama cried tears of joy. Grand-nephews/nieces!

Tobirama’s science + Madara’s spite = Orochimaru. Omg, it fits so well

In this fic it’s said that Julian learnt the Cardassian language because within his first months on DS9 they couldn’t get the computer to speak Standard properly.

Which prompted me to create a headcanon.

Thanks to his genetic enhancements, Julian can learn languages really quickly. During his time in the Academy he met many people from different countries and planets and he decided to learn their native languages to amuse himself. So by the time he graduated, he could speak like 21 Earth languages (including Polish, because I’m from Poland and it’s my headcanon) and several languages of different species. Before he came to DS9 he made sure to master both Bajoran and Cardassian, as he gathered he could need them. When he came to the station, he continued the tradition. So he ended up learning the Trill and Ferengi languages. Oh and Irish too. He already could speak Japanese.

Sometimes, when he was sitting with friends, he would turn his universal translator off just to make the talks double fun.

He would listen to his friends talking in their native languages and be all excited to hear their accents and all the foreign sounds. To hear their real voices, to hear what they really say. The most challenging would be those times when he would do this with not one or two, but several people. Each of them would speak in a different language and he would have to think really quickly to understand them.

Also, he would find pleasure in talking to them in their languages and knowing they didn’t have a clue, as they would simply assume it was the translator that made him sound as if he was speaking to them in their languages. And he would be proud because it would mean he really mastered these languages.

And one day, after the truth about his genetic enhancements came out, he doesn’t have to hide it anymore. And when Dukat makes a remark that the translator doesn’t translate (it does such things sometimes - remember when Garak told the Klingons that Odo probably didn’t have a mother after they made a remark in Klingon? the translator didn’t translate it) Julian replies him and they’re all like??? you know Cardassian?? how??? And he says oh yeah I learnt it once and then they began prying and he finally admits that he can speak many languages. Oh sure Nerys I can say this in Bajoran YES JADZIA I CAN SPEAK THE TRILL LANGUAGE. Miles, why do you look so surprised, Irish was the first language I learnt after I arrived here. AND THEY JUST TURN THEIR OWN TRANSLATORS OFF AND GO TO QUARK’S AND SIT AND ENCOURAGE HIM TO TALK FOR THE WHOLE EVENING AND IT IS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE KNOWS THAT HE WAS GENETICALLY ENHANCED BUT STILL IS AMAZED AT HIS SKILLS BECAUSE WELL HE PUT QUITE A LOT OF EFFORT TO LEARN ALL THESE LANGUAGES AND HE FEELS SO HAPPY AT THE MOMENT AND OH MAN AAAA

Bad day

Donald Pierce x Reader


Request: Yes

Summary: After a bad day at work Pierce comes home to you

Warning: Smut

You were reading on the couch when you heard a knock on your door. Your smile grows wider knowing who was knocking. Practically, you ran to the door, opening it.


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anonymous asked:

what are your top 10 fics of all time?

ahh man this has been stewing in my inbox for awhile…. you asked the world’s most indecisive person to actively choose between things so I’m sorry adfasklj this was so hard so these aren’t really in exact order but I tried :-) 

Give Me Truths (110,330)

‘Just like a little cat,’ Louis thought later, as he drifted off to sleep. ‘A little kitten with his claws sunk right into me.’ It isn’t that terrible of a thought, after all.

Louis is a psychology student with a tattoo count as high as his genius IQ. Harry is in a (sort-of) relationship with a homophobic man and hates himself a little more every day. Things fall apart and Louis puts him back together.

Or, the one in which Louis falls in love with a fragile boy and tells him every beautiful truth in the world, as long as it makes him happy.

Truth Be Told (I Was Never Yours) (76,907)

Harry watches Louis as he scrunches up his nose and bites the end of a pen in concentration. He’s been working on seating arrangements for the past hour and getting more frustrated by the minute. Louis huffs out a breath and glances down at Harry with a soft smile on his lips before he returns to the task at hand. It’s easy, right then, for Harry to let himself believe that they’re planning a seating chart for their own wedding and bickering over who is going to sit where from a list of their own family members. He can let himself daydream about a white picket fence and a dog that they could have within the next year.

It’s like a cold slap in the face when Harry looks to the top of the page to see “Aiden and Louis Grimshaw” at the head table, and Harry has to mentally remind himself for the thousandth time that Louis is not his. Never was, really. He’s just the wedding planner that’s been in love with Louis since he was sixteen.

(or the one where Louis and Harry have a complicated past, Louis is getting married to someone that’s not Harry, and the universe has decided to have a laugh and make Harry the wedding planner.)

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Fairy Tail GO! Ch. 54

Rated T. I do not own Fairy Tail, Hiro Mashima does.

Summary: Lucy was having fun playing ‘Pokémon Go!’ when she accidentally put herself in harm’s way. Luckily a pink haired boy saved her just in the nick of time. A ‘thank you’ lunch helped spark a new friendship between them, but Lucy got more than she bargained for when she realized the boy she befriended had a complex past full of dark secrets. Fortunately for him, Lucy won’t be scared away so easily. Modern High School AU. Slight Angst/Drama/Fluff.

Read Chapter: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60

Read on FF.net or AO3.

Chapter Fifty-Four: Adorable

Lucy’s eyes slowly opened when she heard the sound of leaves crunching. She looked up just in time to see Natsu walking around the large tree. His lips curved into a smile once he saw his girlfriend sitting there peacefully.

“Found ya.”

She smiled along with him. “Looks like you did.”

“Yeah.” He looked up, placing a hand on the thick trunk. “This is the Sola tree, Magnolia’s pride and joy. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.”

Lucy shrugged, moving to pat the spot beside her. “Guess I missed that bit of information.”

It took Natsu a few extra seconds to sit down, his muscles aching from walking so much. He did better than others since he was used to walking everywhere, but he didn’t normally walk eleven miles all in the same day.

“Water?” Lucy offered, holding up her bottle.

He took it without hesitation, thankful for the cool liquid. He was in such a rush to find Lucy he forgot to stop and grab something to drink. After taking several gulps, he sighed. “I’m beat.”

“You look like it,” Lucy giggled, noting the sweat clinging to his skin.

“Yeah, I’m all sweaty.” He laughed, grabbing his shirt to pull it outwards, letting the air touch his skin. “Good thing I brought deodorant.”

Lucy watched as he fished in his side pocket of his cargo shorts, pulling out a stick of deodorant. While applying it, Lucy saw a hint of his stomach. She turned away to give him a little privacy.

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Troublesome Heart

Requested Anonymously

You didn’t cry when he died.

You weren’t an idiot. You knew that your crush on Weyoun was just that- a crush. A passing infatuation brought on by hormones and the romantic inclinations of youth. Nothing more than that. Not to mention that he was hardly what you would call a nice guy. He was on the opposing side of a rather nasty conflict, after all. And your interactions and been few and rather brief, probably a necessity from his point of view. You were friendly with some important people, including Odo, so Weyoun flattered you. Oh, did he flatter you, so prettily and with sincerity on every syllable of his lying tongue, and when he touched you, it was gentle, not like Dukat’s forceful grip trying to rein you to his will. You had blushed and loathed it.

So. You didn’t cry when he died.

But if you were a bit less chipper for a few days (or maybe a week) after hearing the news, no one noticed, and if they did, they did not realize the true reason.

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Okay so here’s a long and probably rambling meta on Julian Bashir because I have a lot of opinions and emotions about the genetic engineering plotline and I want to sort them out

if any of you haven’t watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine then you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about have a great day whoo

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1000+ words of parent!phan headcanon:

because parent!phan makes me so weak !

- phil brings up kids over dinner one night, startling dan so much that he chokes on his wine for a few seconds. it’s surprising; between the two of them, dan’s usually the one to discuss domesticities like that. “kids? are you sure?” phil’s smile is hesitant, but there’s an excitement in his eyes that’s contagious. “yeah, i think i am. a little dan junior running around might be fun.”  dan rolls his eyes even as happiness surges through his heart. “ok , first of all, we are not calling him that.” the next morning, phil wakes up to a surrogate agency flyer taped to the coffee pot, with an appointment date scrawled on the bottom in dan’s messy script.

-once they decide on a surrogate, dan insists that phil be the one to send in his DNA. he claims it’s because he doesn’t want their child to have his proneness to existential crises, but it’s really because the cerulean shade of phil’s eyes is a genetic miracle that must be continued.

- they spitball baby names to each other on a constant basis, going so far as to attach a dry erase board on the refrigerator to keep track of all their options. “winston” tops the list, courtesy of phil. there’s also “delia”, “elizabeth", “christopher", and many more, gathered from childhood memories or favorite books and movies or even heard in passing as they walked through town. “child susan” is crossed out several times, as is “phan”. dan takes baby names very seriously, thank you very much.

-phil’s room gets remodeled into a nursery, filled with toys and clothes that arrive in boxes under dan’s name. he makes sure to order from both the “girls” and “boys” section from harrod’s - there’s no way in hell he’s going to let gender roles affect his kid.

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These are my starters for my gameplay rainbowcy. I spent most of my time fixing their house, these are actually recycled from my Persona3 sims… that I never played, but still, they were Shinji and F!MC, because I’m sinking with that ship.

For Rainbowcy sake his name in game is Castor Moonstone and her name is Anemone Moonstone, decided to skip the wedding. They’re already married. Castor wasnaed after his person, which is named after the mortal gemini twin(woo! Mythology~!). And Anemone is a purple flower that are similar to poppies.

Their theme for their children’s names will be flowers, specifically night blooming flowers, and if not, I already have back-up names prepared.

I’m not really going to do genetics, it’ll probably be whichever kid I like the most.

cactaimum  asked:

Is there any possible way to get a master list or an explanation to your hospital horror comic story thing? Because it seems really interesting I just can't find anything other than pictures (I don't really understand the pictures, because I don't know the backstory... But it seems really cool and stuff)

Thanks for asking! They’re roleplay characters so their story is still developing but here’s the basics:

Diedrik’s dad, Karsten is part of a medical secret society that has for ages created and distributed diseases and their cure as a means of population control, he is very powerful and well known.

He had a hospital built on a hell portal, for 2 reasons; as a graduation present for Diedrik and as an offering to an ancient God. Diedrik worked there for a while, experimenting on some patients to create the ultimate disease and follow in his father’s footsteps. 

There me met Kyrie, a patent who was abandoned there because she had a terrible unknown and contagious illness. Diedrik was somewhat torn between treating her or keeping her sick and claim the disease as his own, so she was sick for a few years, and the disease spread throughout the hospital killing most of the other patients and some of the staff. During this time they had been working together almost every day they fell in love and decided to marry in the middle of the outbreak. Eventually things calmed down.

Because of the way that the hospital works, patients who can’t afford their treatment are forced to work at the hospital to pay off their debt. Kyrie became a nurse and they rule the hospital together. They also have other nurses who used to be patients, like Abeline, who is bitter because Kyrie always had more attention and special treatment. She hates working there and only wants to be free.

Some time later, Tristan calls Diedrik over because his old business partner is unavailable and he needs help running his home clinic. Their relationship had a rocky start, they were extremely competitive but secretly really admired each other. 

Eventually they became permanent partners and Tristan was incorporated into their marriage. They had 2 kids, Alton and Andre, one biological and one genetically engineered.

When Karsten found out about Tristan, a promising geneticist he decided to crash their second wedding. He began to reconnect with his family and offer them all kinds of benefits, but mostly because he has sinister plans for them and for the health industry.

Tendency (Part 1)

Usuk. Predator/Prey smut. R18 Yaoi/Boy love. You have been warned!

           Part 2     Part 3   Part 4   Part 5  Part 6

The crisp air, gentle breeze and clear blue sky were all rare features of a day to treasure, in Arthur’s opinion. It was the autumn of England, and all the trees were the most gorgeous shades of warm colours, creating a glow of life to the place that contrasted the chilly air.

Really, nothing could go wrong on days like these. Hence why Arthur decided to leave the city for the day and visit his childhood home; in the woods. Although the city was where he currently lived, it was here where nobody went that he could be, well, all aspects of himself.

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It Really Is Genetics

A/N: This isn’t a direct sequel to the reader x Sans fic I did about him having his brother’s laugh, but if you’d like to think of it that way you can. Enjoy!
Des: Papyrus is sick of Sans laying around all day, so he decides to take matters into his own hands.

“SANS!” Papyrus shouted, storming into the living room. Sans was lounging on the couch, as usual. He never seemed to move. Papyrus was pretty sure there was an indention in the couch from Sans laying there so long and so often.

“SANS! HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING ALL DAY?” Papyrus yelled, crossing his arms and tapping his foot like he always did when he was mad. 

“Well, uh duh. I’ve closed my eyes and kicked my feet up and-”

“I MEANT SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE, SANS.” Papyrus sighed in frustration, hovering over his brother. 

“Oh. Uh, no.” Sans gave him a cheeky grin, nestling back into the couch cushions.

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anonymous asked:

What I'm curious about is whether or not Alucard semen would be white like normal, or blood. And if it's blood, would it be watery, or thick? I'm curious because I've only read two fics where his semen was blood. Which doesn't really (part 1)

Doesn’t really make sense since his tears are blood and I don’t think he’s ever sweat in the anime, but if his tears are blood, why wouldn’t his sweat? If he even can. So with that logic, wouldn’t his semen be blood or at least TINGED pink? (Part 2)

I should just rename this blog inside-alucards-trousers……
This is actually my life.

Well, If I’m going to answer this then I’m going to answer this right! ( since you sent it two parts you clearly want answers,) Lets look at Alucard like a biology project!

Alucard’s Blood tears:
It’s heavily implied that the reason Alucard cries blood and not Seras is because Alucard’s tears stopped when he finally lost his humanity.
Realistically he probably shouldn’t be able to produce tears if that’s the case, but we’re dealing with the biggest male primadonna ever so why wouldn’t it be blood tears?

Alucard and His anatomy:
Well, I guess first we should address that in all likelihood, Alucard is still genetically a human male, test his blood and it’ll tell you his sex, nationality, blood type ect.
His corporeal form is a human male, so it’s safe to assume he still manifests all the necessary equipments downstairs. 
And if vampire media is anything to go by, vampires clearly do because they seem to really like sex.
There was a previous weird thread discussing if Alucard need to piss. Basing assumptions on Vampire Bats it was decided by the fandom that yes Alucard passes urine, meaning he has a working renal system and winky.
Assuming Alucard still has a functional reproductive system ( can have and maintain an erection, reach orgasm ect) it’s unlikely it’s deviated from the human norm, meaning I don’t think he’d be passing blood in place of semen. If he did that’s a medical condition and he needs to see a GP for referral.

Semen’s consistency and taste ect can be altered based on diet. 
So looking at what semen and blood is made of….

Your blood is made up of liquid and solids. The liquid part, called plasma, is made of water, salts, and protein. Over half of your blood is plasma. The solid part of your blood contains red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets.  
A lot of blood is water.

Most of what he eats is gonna be digested the old fashioned way just the Vampire Bat. And vampire bats also have normal coloured semen. (I have done some fucked up google searches for you today).

Semen is only one percent sperm; the rest is composed of over 200 separate proteins, as well as vitamins and minerals including vitamin C, calcium, chlorine, citric acid, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium, sodium, vitamin B12, and zinc 

Everything inside semen is secreted by the body….so looking at what Alucard eats, he’s probably horribly deficient in a LOT of vitamins which means he’ll have next to no sperm mobility and a very low sperm count (if he even still produces them) and it’s probably kind of watery and clear with the lack of protein……..
This probably explains why vampires have such difficulty reproducing legitimate offspring of their own and why dhampirs aren’t all that common.

I really hate how Kishimoto went out of his way to justify the Uchiha genocide. First they were jerks who wanted to take over, then they were genetically/biologically predisposed to losing their minds, and THEN they were descendants of the ‘evil’ brother. The world is damn near explicitly said to be better off without them and the man who decided to kill them gets all the sympathy for some goddamn reason. What kind of message is he trying to send? 'Sometimes genocide is good’? What the fuck?

headcanons for shsl musician amami who dated ouma

heres ur headcanons amami! i hope u like them, and if u want me to make any changes just make sure to let me know! - mod kiibo

- amami dedicated a large portion of his life to music, working on it whenever he had any sort of free time and slowly working on improving his skills to the point of being shsl worthy. he had a bit of musical talent come from genetics, but whatever talent he wasnt born with he made sure to work on until he felt satisfied with his skill level

- when amami first met ouma, he was a little bit taken aback by how strange he was. he was loud and definitely knew how to be obnoxious, but amami wanted to believe that he wasnt all that bad of a person. in order to prove this to himself, he decided that the best thing he could do was spend some time around him and see what he was really like

- once amami started learning more about ouma, he found himself really coming to like him, and he didnt try to hide it. the guy could be really funny when he wanted to be, and amami just really enjoyed talking to him. he didnt really care if ouma knew how he felt, though, so he pretty much just left his feelings out in the open for him to notice

- turns out ouma was a lot worse at flirting than amami initially thought he would be, so the person that ended up doing the asking was amami. ouma accepted, and he tried to act like he wasnt nervous in the slightest, but amami could tell that he was shaking just a little bit from his nerves and doing his best to hide any hint of a blush

- occasionally amami will show ouma some of the music hes been working on, and ouma gives him any sort of input he might need to know. for the most part, though, there isnt any necessary input. in fact, ouma tells amami that hes the reason why he started listening to the type of music that amami makes, which is a definite confidence booster

- as a way of paying ouma back for spending so much time listening to him play the same tune over and over again, amami agrees to play as many games with ouma as he can physically stand. ouma is incredibly pleased by this, and the two of them can end up playing cards for hours, although they both know ouma will probably win each round

- no matter what the two of them do, though, they always make sure that theyre both having fun. if they arent enjoying themselves and having fun, whats the point of doing something in the first place? there just wasnt any, so no matter what the two of them did they made sure that they were enjoying themselves, even if it was just by cracking a few jokes

- unfortunately for the two of them, this attitude of wanting everything to be fun and games would occasionally get them in trouble, but they tried not to do anything too serious that could result in jail time. still, just because their troublemaking didnt end in jail doesnt mean that they wouldnt get in trouble more often than either were comfortable admitting

- there were quite a few times where amami would just sit down with ouma and tell him about all the musicians that inspired him to work on his music and improving himself, and ouma does the best that he can to sit down and really listen to him. its a lot of musicians, but amami tells him he tries to incorporate a bit of all of them in his music

- the two of them might move to the beat of their own drums, but amamis fairly sure both he and ouma prefer doing things their own way and enjoying time with each other by doing what they care about. hes not too sure about ouma, but amami knows for a fact that being with ouma is a choice that he doesnt regret making, no matter what


Part two of my undercover!Percy Jackson series thing. It’s probably a good idea to read part i first. 


Aphrodite is more than happy to put out for the occasion, as it happens. She smiles, clapping her hands together as she stares down at Percy and Annabeth. She looks very much like Annabeth, actually. “Oh, yes. I need Percabeth in prime condition. I don’t need other Percy-babies messing this up. Now,” she stops, scrutinizing Percy’s appearance. “Whilst it pains me to change you at all-" 

There’s a puff of pink, and suddenly Percy’s standing there in a black Led Zeppelin shirt and dark jeans, wearing scuffed black converse on his feet. And it’s not just the clothes that she changes. He’s got dark tattoos tracing their way down his whole right arm, and… oh gods. He runs his tongue over his bottom lip and stops in horror when it brushes against something hard and vaguely metallic.

She’s given him a lip piercing.


Annabeth is staring at him with something akin to amazement on her face, while Aphrodite looks immensely proud of her work. Also, Percy’s not sure if Annabeth’s ‘amazement’ is a good or a bad thing, so he just shifts awkwardly on his feet and tries to tell Aphrodite that this was really not necessary.

"Nonsense,” she tells him. “I know Autumn’s type, and this is it. The bad boy thing. Are you comfortable with cigarettes?”

“No,” says Percy, blankly, deciding to draw the line where he is able.

Aphrodite clucks her tongue. “Fine, then,” she says, sighing. “Well, your father was always quite promiscuous back in the day. I’m sure some of those genetics were passed on to you. Just relax, you’ll have Autumn wrapped around your little finger, or your dick as it were, in no time.”

“Uh, right,” says Percy, uncomfortably. Thinking of his dad as 'promiscuous’ isn’t really the type of conversation topic that he’s comfortable exploring. “But I’m just trying to get information. If I don’t need to have-”

Aphrodite shakes her head, halting Percy in the middle of his sentence. “No, no,” she says. “I think you’ll find that Autumn is quite loose-lipped in the throes of passion. And very forward - very sure of herself. If you want her to like you, you’re going to have to go with it. That’s my advice.” Then, the goddess of love waves cheerily and claps her hands. “Now, do look away before I incinerate you.”

Percy and Annabeth cover their eyes as Aphrodite resumes her true godly form and disappears with a crash, leaving them standing under the rocks that look like a pile of shit that is actually Zeus’ fist. Clarisse has eloquently dubbed it Zeus’ shit, which Percy privately thinks is much more accurate.  

What Percy also thinks, is that Annabeth is being very quiet about the whole thing. She’s staring at him with her head tilted to one side and her brow wrinkled curiously.

“You don’t have to say it,” Percy grumbles, finding the lip piercing irritating already. “I look like a moron.”

Annabeth shakes her head. “Nope,” she mutters. “Not what I was going to say at all. Actually… if I didn’t like the normal you so much, I’d say to rock this look more often. Thing is, I happen to like regular Percy, so ignore what I just said and go back to normal when this is all mmph-!”

Usually, it’s Annabeth who has to shut him up because he’s rambling, but as his lips meld perfectly with hers, he decides he quite likes this change. When they break apart, they’re both gasping for air and flushed, and Percy thinks he needs to pick up the scattered pieces of his brain from the floor.

Annabeth looks at him, then. Really looks at him, up and down. “Okay,” she says. “I can… this is nice. But it’s just a novelty thing. I can pretend that you’re someone else when you’re like this. But when you come back to me, after her, promise me you’ll be regular Percy again?”

Percy smiles into her hair as he brings her in for a warm hug. “I promise,” he whispers as his breath ghosts over her earlobe. Then, she can practically feel his smirk against her skin. “I knew you were more bothered about this than you let on.”

She pulls away then, a broad smile on her face, and tells him not to be such a jackass. Then, hand in hand, they make their way back toward the ashes of the campfire where everyone is waiting for them.

Leo does a double take when he sees Percy. “Holy shit,” he utters, mouth wide open and gaping as he takes in the new appearance of the son of Poseidon. “Hephaestus’ dirty underwear. What the-?”

Percy smiles sheepishly and then turns to glare at Piper. “Your mothers creativity knows no bounds,” he says, total deadpan, as Annabeth snorts with mischievous laughter from beside him.

Chiron shifts on his feet. “Well,” he says, mouth opening and closing as he struggles for words. “I suppose it’ll be easier to convince Autumn that the savior of Olympus has gone off the deep end, this way?”

“Wait,” says Percy, a crease forming in his brow. “You’re not giving me a new identity?”

“Well, I-”

“Prissy,” Clarisse cuts in. “You need to swear more. The punk-ass look needs the right attitude. Where’s the dude who got expelled 'cause he called his teacher an old drunk?”

Leo lets out a weird noise somewhere between a snort and a cackle.

“Oh?” Percy says, because he’s just found out the meaning of that word he used. “Oh. Is that what 'old sot’ means?”

Clarisse rolls her eyes.

“Anyway,” Chiron continues. “Autumn is basically a human lie detector. The less lies you tell her, the better. I think it’ll be easier to convince her that you’re bitter at the gods and have gone off the deep end. Look at the Titan war. It’s not uncommon.”

Percy nods, but he also knows that he’s a shitty actor. The swearing, he can do. He filters his thoughts most of the time so all he needs to do is drop the filter and let the curses through. But lying? Gods, he couldn’t even lie to Aphrodite about going on that quest for Annabeth. Now, in deep with Annabeth and way too in love with her to be healthy, he doesn’t know how he’s going to convince another woman that he… he’s in love with her.

Fortunately, Leo comes up with these nifty little earpieces in the days leading up to his undercover job. Annabeth volunteers to be on the other end of the comms most of the time, because she and Percy decide that it’s less like cheating if she’s a hundred percent aware of everything. But, she won’t be there all the time. Percy dreads the hours that Leo’s going to be on the other end of his ear piece.

Or Clarisse. Holy Hephaestus’ fucking underwear. That’s not even a good thought. Clarisse’s voice is not really the voice of reason he wants in his ear.

Then, finally, the first day of his mission comes. That fucking piercing in his lip had been a necessary annoyance when Annabeth came to kiss him softly goodbye, and then Piper had been painstakingly given the job of giving him something to wear to the fancy ball that he was meant to be meeting Autumn at. A fancy ball for druggies? Percy hadn’t thought that was even a thing until now.

Although, apparently, it’s a ball for rich ass people who get a kick of selling other people illegal drugs. As Chiron had soothingly told him, Autumn is too conservative to actually try any of her own products.

Smart girl.

So, dressed in a black tux with a sea-green tie and some really fucking expensive, uncomfortable shoes, and his black ring lip piercing, Percy was ready to go. The lines of his black tattoo can only just be seen creeping up his neck.

He stands in the doorway of the ball, fashionably late, and then (with a deep breath) he strides in. Head held high and hand subconsciously fiddling with Riptide - his ballpoint pen sword. He walks over to the bar, lit up with soft, golden overhanging lights, and smiles at the bartender as he sits down. Although, he’s like, ninety percent sure that his smile is more like a grimace or something.

“Can I get you anything?” grunts the bartender. He reminds Percy of the Dionysus kids back at camp, so he’s probably one of them. He’s quite chubby, with red cheeks and a brooding look on his face, but the sort of guy that might be quite strikingly good looking if he lost a bit of weight.

Percy shrugs, tracing lines on the bar with his wandering fingers. He’s not sure whether to order a Coke or a beer to better fit in. So he orders a beer, 'cause he’s really not here for him. And Annabeth has told him that she’s trying to pretend he’s someone else, to keep her heart in one piece, so he’ll do the same.

The bartender brings it over a few minutes later, and Percy thanks him with a couple of muttered words and a grateful look in his eyes. The beer tastes bitter and foul, and Percy sighs heavily and yet in a way that passes off as an awkward sort of yawn. He might be nearly eighteen, but he’s still more child than not and he hates alcoholic beverages. Perhaps it’s due to Smelly Gabe being an abusive, drunken arsehole.

Percy wonders if his aversion to alcohol is very noticeable to the well trained eye. Well, Percy never pretended to be a decent undercover agent.

“Ah,” says a voice from behind Percy, a silky feminine tone that exudes confidence and quickly shortens his breathing in a way that he hates himself for. “Why order something so personally distasteful, darling?”

Percy startles with raised eyebrows. He tries to calm his racing heart, and puffs out a barely inaudible breath to calm himself.

“Trying to fit in,” Percy says. Chiron had said that the truth was always the best way to go with Autumn, and for all Percy knows - this could bloody well be her. He hopes it isn’t - she’s cold and confident and calculating with an intelligent, no-nonsense air about her that terrifies him. “I came here to get away, and I reckon I just look like a moron.”

The girl he’s talking to has fiery red hair, curled sharply to fan her face, and startling golden eyes, high cheekbones and perfect white cheeks. Her dress is white and hugs her curves, and she’s wearing tall wedge heels that make her tower over him. The sight of it is mildly unsettling.

She smiles, her painted red lips full and stunning in the low light. “Are you Percy Jackson? Some of my men told me that you might be here. And you’re the only one here that I don’t recognise.”

“Guilty as charged,” says Percy, running a hand through his unruly dark hair. His tux feels stuff and immovable around his body and her stare is almost more deadly than Medusas.

“Well, they did warn me that you were attractive,” she smiles flirtatiously, holding out a perfectly manicured hand for him to shake. “I’m Autumn. Autumn Brown.”

Percy smiles, and he hopes it doesn’t look fake. Fuck, it probably does. “Woman of the night,” he says, throat dry and sore. “Lovely to meet you.”

“And you, too,” she says, that smile still present, dancing it’s way across her lips. “But, I must ask, what brings the two-time hero of Olympus to my shady business?”

Percy waves a dismissive hand. “It’s not shady,” he says. “It’s very fucking impressive. And I wanted a change of scenery.”

“And you’re going back on your whole precious camp for that change of scenery, yes?”

“Pretty scenery can be hard to find,” Percy says smoothly, allowing an easy smile to cross his face. He wants to pat himself on the back. He’s surprising himself in all sorts of ways tonight.

Autumn hums. “I suppose it is. Although, I know you have a stunning girlfriend back home.”

Her smile is dangerous, like a cheetah waiting to strike. And fuck Percy sideways, he’s not trained for this bullshit. He could decapitate her in five different ways, with a number of different items, but he has no idea how to get information from her without beating it from her.

The struggles of stealth.

“I used to,” says Percy, trying vainly to dodge the curveball that she has mercilessly flung at him. Referring to Annabeth in this way is like a violent punch in the gut. “But, well. She cheated on me.”

“Did she, now?” Autumn looks amused. “Yeah?”

“Mm,” Percy nods, shrugging. Time to shove Annabeth and Clarisse in the hole they’d dug for him. “With a daughter of Ares. Clarisse. Sucks, but, I guess I deserved it.”

There’s a choked noise of fury from the other end of his comms and Percy has to fight back the crooked grin that tugs at his lips.

“And that fatal flaw of loyalty isn’t doing anything to keep you around, I suppose?” suspicion finally allows itself to seep into her icy tone.

Percy stands up, his sea green eyes swirling like the depths of the ocean, and is pleased to find that he’s a few centimetres taller than her even in her heels. A cocky smirk slides easily across his face as he bends down. His breath slides hotly along the shell of her ear, and she goes stiff beside him.

“I guess,” he whispers, voice as smooth as silk. “That I haven’t found the right person to be loyal too.”

If he had a mic, Percy would drop it now.

He strides out of the building without another word, his mouth tasting like the bitter tang of beer.

He doesn’t want to admit how sweaty he is under his tux, but he’s pretty sure that being seductive is the hardest fucking thing he’s ever done.

(And he thinks that Aphrodite’s blessing has something to do with his apparent success because fuck.)

This is the funniest thing I’ve read in months omfg

I present… Kevin. Be sure to check out the original source because the OP goes into more detail/elaborates on some things in later comments.


It’s not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99.99999% of the time they are keen on something. They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree climbing ability, ya know?

I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn’t his real name, but it doesn’t matter because he can’t spell it anyway. Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past. He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability (Don’t worry, it was a ballpark…..we didn’t make major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with a student for a bit.) I thought “That’s fine. I’ll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what’s up” One on One with kevin was like conversing with someone who’d forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident. There was no evidence that he had learned anything past the 2nd grade….and now he was in 9th grade. Flabbergasted, I figured we needed to get more serious with this. If he was going to be in my class, I needed to know why and how.

I decided to meet with him, his guidance counselor, his parents, and another teacher to see what was really going on. This is where it all became clear. It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn’t been wiped off the face of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his family every time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null achievement. Even my instructional lead, a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a Balrog, failed to see any reason this kid or his family should be alive today.

So here’s a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he’s laughing uncontrollably.

  • Kevin frequently forgot when/where class was. On more than one occasion, I had to retrieve him from other classrooms.
  • Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next day. This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons.
  • Kevin’s dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me…his English teacher. This was a public school. When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school, Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 711 after school.
  • Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire….twice
  • Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn’t him.
  • Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing. (Not that it wasn’t his, not that he did it…..no, he denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times before the end of the year.
  • Kevin called the basketball coach a “Motherfucking Bitch” during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn’t go well.
  • Kevin’s mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went to)
  • Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game
  • Kevin kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up.
  • Kevin say the N-word a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was 84% black. Kevin got beat up a lot.
  • Kevin stole another student’s Iphone….and tried to sell it back to them.
  • Kevin didn’t understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes, homework, classwork, and participation. Kevin finished his first semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with $11.
  • Kevin spit on a girl and said “You should get out of those wet clothes”. The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.
  • Kevin didn’t know dogs and cats were different animals.
  • Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library…..at the circulation desk….while he was logged on.
  • Kevin asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade and freshmen don’t go to prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address
  • Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly.
  • Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing it name on it wherever there was room.
  • Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were. They were very concerned that “the holiday party” (it’s high school, we don’t have those) would have peanuts. When they finally got a doctor’s note….he was allergic to amoxicillin
  • Kevin and his parents took a trip to Nassau (how the fuck did they even get airline tickets?) and forgot all their luggage at home. I didn’t believe him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me 1st thing when I saw her at the bi-weekly meeting.
  • Kevin’s grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.

I really want to see a gay assassin in a future game, but no one know except for him and the man he loves. The only dilemma would be how he has a genetic child so that we can actually play as that assassin. Maybe he had a kind before he decided he was gay, or maybe he was forced into a marriage and had a child but was actually in love with a man who loved him back, then somehow his wife gets killed and he and his love raise the child. I want this to happen and would love it so much.