or is it two gators

Anon Submit: Gator Logic - OMFG!!!

Here is a sample of “Gator Logic” - the funny thing is she actually thinks this is something that is plausible. Imagine the brain power that would be needed to handle a conversation between two morons like Gator and twowaypr! I am picturing something akin to the wattage that is required to lightly toast a couple of slices of bread. Certainly not anything more!

So here’s Gator in deeeeeep contemplation…
“I’ve been getting a lot of asks about when I think we’ll get the split announcement. I was talking to @twowaypr about this privately, getting her take on the things pr looks at in these situations. She made a great point: what if Marvel is concerned about all the evidence of no pregnancies and sham we have been collecting over the years?! What if THEY were behind the “Google cleanse” from earlier this year? Twoway mentioned they may be concerned about the general public going to the web to find out more about the “marriage”, when they see the split announcement. If they are going with a “not his”, they don’t want MORE people stumbling on the fake babies theories than already have. That would explain why SoGo is still at the top of Google Search, even though she hasn’t posted much recently. Marvel may not be concerned about what we skeptics say once the split occurs…but they may be terrified of our archives. How ironic would it be that the very people who have been trying to help Benedict escape this toxic situation are the ones who inadvertently are keeping him in it (at least officially in it)?! I personally don’t think the majority of people out there care enough to look that deeply into it to go searching the archives. If they are going to, it’s more likely they are already thinking about it. So an announcement isn’t going to make them look any more or less. It’s a bit late for them to worry about that. But what do my fellow skeptics think?”

I sort of know what most of the “fellow skeptics” would say already but I thought I would chime in with an alternative opinion.

I’ve been getting a lot of asks about when I think we’ll get the split announcement. -

Of course you have dear. That’s because you have been talking non-stop for almost 3 years now that BC and SH were not married and don’t live together and would be officially split. It isn’t surprising is it that your little cabal of followers would be anxiously waiting for it to finally happen. Funny thing is just perhaps some of them are starting to realise that what you have been trying to sell them stinks like rotten moldy cheese - ever consider that possibility?

I was talking to @twowaypr about this privately, getting her take on the things pr looks at in these situations. -

Well that would be a complete waste of time since everything that I have read from twowaypr in no way indicates that this person knows anything about the ins and outs of public relations from within the industry. Everything looks like it was taken from a basic primer on PR off the internet.

She made a great point: what if Marvel is concerned about all the evidence of no pregnancies and sham we have been collecting over the years?! What if THEY were behind the “Google cleanse” from earlier this year? -

Really? You think that was a “great point”? How about this - Marvel doesn’t give a shit about how Ben (someone who isn’t associated with any kind of troublesome private life) conducts his marriage. And where is there any kind of hard evidence that Marvel/ Disney even knows the “super sleuth skeptics” have obsessively been stalking Ben and his wife over the last 3 years?

Twoway mentioned they may be concerned about the general public going to the web to find out more about the “marriage”, when they see the split announcement. If they are going with a “not his”, they don’t want MORE people stumbling on the fake babies theories than already have. -

Oh that makes total sense - NOT! First, Marvel doesn’t care about the so-called “Cleanse” that only the Haters are worked up into a frenzy about. Not only does Marvel not care - NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE!! Second, they wouldn’t even care even if Ben and Sophie actually got a divorce. People get divorced all the time and guess what … movies still get made! Marvel still hires actors who have had divorces!! And third, Marvel wouldn’t be in charge of putting out the information about Ben’s private life! Ben’s own PR and agent would (you idiots!).

That would explain why SoGo is still at the top of Google Search, even though she hasn’t posted much recently. Marvel may not be concerned about what we skeptics say once the split occurs…but they may be terrified of our archives. -

That doesn’t make any sense at all. Why SoGo is at the top of your search is you are always looking at that site. It isn’t at the top of my search! And BTW sweetie… Marvel isn’t “terrified” of you or any other skeptic’s archives. they don’t even know they exist. What an over blown sense of your own self importance! Narcissistic or what!

How ironic would it be that the very people who have been trying to help Benedict escape this toxic situation are the ones who inadvertently are keeping him in it (at least officially in it)?! -

“Officially” now is it? Marvel and Disney seem quite happy to let Ben talk all over the place, when the PR tour for DS was going on, about how he missed his child and wife and how excited he was to have another child. So where do you get the idea that they are trying to get him out of his married life? And BTW, aren’t you the one who has been saying for God knows how many years that Ben NEVER even lived with Sophie? So now you are admitting that it sure appears like he is happily married with 2 children and a wife who is now collaborating with him and his production company? About time! And just to keep things on the up and up, the only thing “toxic” in any of this is the vile hatred that the “skeptics” have been spewing all these years about Ben’s wife. Even he told you “skeptics” in no uncertain terms that your behaviour was obsessive, scary and delusional. Try and listen to the man you keep saying you are being so supportive of.

I personally don’t think the majority of people out there care enough to look that deeply into it to go searching the archives. If they are going to, it’s more likely they are already thinking about it. So an announcement isn’t going to make them look any more or less. It’s a bit late for them to worry about that. But what do my fellow skeptics think?“ -

So if you believe that what the fuck is this whole conversation about anyway? Why would they go through any effort at all to manipulate Google Search, why be “terrified” of skeptics’ archives, why even give a shit about Ben’s personal life at all - if the majority of people could care enough to look at all this crap? Yes, it is true - if they are going to look it up then more in likely they are already thinking about it BECAUSE they are already in your little obsessive “cult” already! Meaning once again, ONLY SKEPTICS REALLY CARE ABOUT THE SORRID LITTLE LIES YOU FOLKS PUT OUT! Not Marvel, not Disney, not the ordinary fans of Ben’s work. The skeptics are the obsessive, delusional fanatics who spend waaaaay too much time seeking out every scrap of info about Sophie Hunter from every source on the internet. They are the ones who scour all the dark nether regions and find “connections” where there are none, shady shit where there is nothing and “fuckery” where there is just two people who got married, had children and are trying to live their lives together.

So, here’s what I THINK - you all are full of shit and should just accept reality (Ben is married to someone who he loves and had a family with) and get on with your lives.

Please keep me anon. Thanks.

~~~~~~~

Originally posted by whatabigpairofgifs

6

The thing no one asked for but I thought could possibly be useful

So, this is my “lifting bag”, and I put that in quotes because I don’t actually put lifted items in here accept the occasional jar of honey that’s to heavy for my *ACTUAL lifting bags.

Group 1 is my coin purse, if I need to buy anything that is less then $1.50 to deter suspicion this is what I use, I don’t put cash in there because it is the most likely thing to be stollen from my bag and I don’t want to loose my cash.

Group 2 is kept in the outer zipper pouch of my bag, the cash is incase I see something I want but can’t lift, the lip balm is so I have something to pretend to be looking for if I ever need to conceal something in the bag, and the spinners are used for stress relief after I leave a store with a particularly large haul (ex. 244 copic markers), helps me not look so antsy and freaked out while walking away with a store because I have something to focus on.

*Group 3, this is my actual lifting equipment. The two forks are used to remove pencil tags and gator tags, they work 99% of the time and don’t set off magnet detectors, and the bundle of plastic is my shopping bags, a total of two rue 21 bags, a GameStop bag, and about ten unused Walmart bags, all folded and kept together with a hair tie, these are held inside my bag, the forks on the bottom and the shopping bags in an inside pocket. This does cause that pocket to bulge on the inside, but this makes it impossible to see the forks without looking for them!

So yeah, a lot of people have been asking how I fit all the copics in my bag, easiest answer is I didn’t use my actual bag 😂👌

The Tale of Two-Toed Tom, the Demon Gator

In the early 1900s, in the swamps of the southeastern United States the region was held besieged by what was reported as a gargantuan, demonic alligator, which left in its wake mauled dead bodies and its curious two-toed footprints. This is the tale of Two-Toed Tom, the demon gator of the southeast.

Keep reading

Message to the swamp

Every time the swamp moves into a particularly venomous phase the big names get pranked, trolled and insulted. This usually happens when there is an event o some sort in BC’s life or he’s pictures by someone on twitter.

“Oh, we must be getting close to the truth” they scream. 

Not true.

The reason they get trolled etc is because their are liars and spamming irritants who people have good cause to hate. The victims are just getting their own back. And those people are ( as far as can tell)

-Journalists who are sick and tired of getting spam email and links to Gator et. al. on a daily basis. Yes, two years after the wedding they are still getting regular emails telling them they are not doing their job and they must report this ‘crime’ . BC is on the UK tabloids hit list, if there was any hint of a scandal it would have been printed years ago

- people working in the GRO, in the IoW Register Office, in the Westminster Register Office etc. who again get regular emails and accusations of them being criminals. This also includes the CoE, the Portland Hospital, the wedding caterers, cafes B & S have visited etc. On and the various agents, PR people, event organisers…

- Bloggers, twitterers, Facebookers etc who have been accused of being liars  and have been hounded into making their social media private. I know at least one of these. I’m sure many of you know someone. This includes almost anyone on Tumblr who has said anything positive about Sophie Hunter. I know I still get at least one ask a week calling me a cunt. Oh and any anyone who is fed up with Gator tagging her bile with irrelevant tags. And people who are fed up with the BIs they post to CDAN - funny isn’t it how no other gossip sites (particularly those in the UK) have this sort of rumours. Might it be because they check their sources. There are hundreds of UK gossip sites from big TV ones to theatre insiders. Not a single person in the UK who would be in a position to know this stuff has ever posted anything, even if they do post about other actors such as Martin F.

- And while I’m sure B and S don’t have time, I bet there are people in their social circle who want to have a bit of a go at the liars. Especially those whose pictures have been stolen and used out of context. Most of them wouldn’t have even assumed they needed to make their Instagrams etc private because they’re just ordinary people. Added to this there are actors who know them and who are tainted by association. 

- And then there are 4Chan, Digital Spy, forum members who aren’t victims per se but really want to prank people they see as idiots


So, swamp. You’re not ‘close to the truth’ or a threat. You’re nasty, vindictive bunch of liars who spam others, annoy everyone who is even peripherally connected with Ben and are generally seen as the unacceptable face of fandom. People hate you and that’s why they troll you

anonymous asked:

oh, cute, you sent yourself an ask. You're just like Gator! But then you probably *are* Gator. Yes, I had two kids many many years ago. One slept thru the night quite quickly, the other one didn't for a solid year. Not all children are alike. I breast fed both. We were very tired parents for the entire year after our second child was born, many years ago. I can name many of my friends who had the same experience. How many kids do you have, Anna?

I sent myself an ask?  And I’m also @gatorfisch?  WOW!  I have A LOT of time in my hands, don’t I?  Am I also Ben?  Oh wait, no!  @benedicts-third-testicle is Ben.  I keep forgetting…

Meanwhile, back in the real world, I have no children (something which I’ve stated many a time in the past and will doubtlessly have to repeat many times in the future), but even I, who has not been blessed with motherhood and am not a doctor or a nurse, know how real pregnancies work.

Allow me to educate you Nonny…

Pregnancy 101  (visual aids included)

Real pregnant bellies don’t deflate once they’ve inflated:

Real pregnant bellies don’t have multiple wandering belly buttons that pop out and pop back in again:

Real pregnant bellies don’t allow the skinny wearer of an old shirt to wander around like they barely have a bump when the wearer looks like she’s supposedly 6 months along (and in a bikini she looks like she’s 8 months along):

Real pregnant bellies don’t fold over when women sit down:

Real pregnant bellies are not triangular in shape:

Real pregnant bellies are not stunted in size during the last trimester of a pregnancy:

Nonny, are you sure you’ve been pregnant twice?  In fact, are you sure you are a woman?  

Let me rephrase that:  Nonny, are you sure you know a single thing about human physiology?

I’m pretty sure the stars aligned perfectly while I was at Macy’s today… I’m gonna add a new thing to my posts and try and describe the methods and techniques for the items I got! But as always, feel free to message me or drop something in my ask :)  

Ulta:

Urban Decay’s Moondust Eyeshadow Palette - $49

For this item, I wasn’t even planning on lifting at ulta. I went in looking for an extra large toiletry bag that would fit my blow dryer, curling iron and flat iron. I talked to the SA for a minute and we looked together and couldn’t find any big enough (found one at TJMaxx though - yay!) and after I went right to this palette because I’ve been eyeing it for a while, saw there was a lot, grabbed one, inspected the box, acted like I went and checked for a bag again, then made my own blind spot by crouching down and concealing in front of the facemask shelf. Then walked out! Total time in store: about 5-10 min.

Dillards:

Turquoise Headband - $25

Pink Suede Pinafore - $79

My Dillards is extremely easy and has so so many unattended dressing rooms. I needed a black dress for work, grabbed a lot and a couple other items (probably had 10-12 in my hand including the headband) and went to a dressing room that there was no SA near the checkout or rooms. I spent probably 10 minutes trying on the clothes, decided I didn’t like any of the dresses but absolutely fell in love with this pinafore. To check for hidden rftds in tags I take my iPhone’s flashlight and hold it directly up to the tag. If it’s not too thick you can typically see it. The headband had a thin sticker tag wrapped around it - no rftd so I just tossed it into my purse (which is a michael kors jetsetter - they hold great form on their own!) and then I checked on the pinafore. That one had a cardboard tag but my flashlight could still see through it and that it did. I looped the tag’s plastic part out of the shirt and looped it into a different one that I wasn’t taking… I folded the pinafore down pretty good and laid it in my bag. I then took all my stuff including the extra hanger  and put it on the fitting room rack. Total time in store: 15-20 min. 

*Important! In between me going to Dillards and Macy’s… I went to Forever 21 and purchased a tight white longsleeve shirt to wear under the pinafore, I got a Forever 21 bag from that. When she was bagging my shirt I asked her if she can throw the pinafore in there and took it out of my purse… I told her I brought it from home to find a shirt for under it… She couldn’t have cared less*

Macy’s:

Michael Kors Ava in “Dusty Rose” - sale price $133.50 (30% off)

LET ME TELL YOU… I should be calling the outer space haul or something because the stars must’ve been perfectly aligned while I was in Macy’s. I absolutely did not plan to do this or EVER thought I’d score a MK purse. There were absolutely no SA’s anywhere near the designer purse section, and only like 2 customers walking around. So at my store, all the purses that are marked down or on sale all go onto this two tiered table and get gator tagged. They don’t get looped onto the table like all the other purses on display do. I was checking out all the purses and wallets there and I noticed this Ava was the ONLY purse on the entire table without a gator tag. So I picked it up and put it around my wrist and ended up putting my F21 bag over it. I then shopped around a bit and threw two dresses over my arm with all the bags and went to an unattended fitting room in the women’s section that there were no customers and no SAs anywhere to be seen! I had to hype myself up to even look at the bag and check it out. It was absolutely perfect - no security tags, no hidden rftd’s (i did the flashlight trick). So I took the pinafore out of my F21 bag, wrapped it around the purse, and put it back into the F21 bag. I put the two dresses on the fitting room rack then hauled ass out of the mall. I was pretty done after that. Total time in store: 10-15 min. 

I hope this was helpful! Sorry it’s so long! I’d also like to add that I do not own or did not use any magnets or hooks :)

Total:

$286.50

Speaking of Florida in relation to Keith Kogane

AU where America put the garrison in the same place they put the rest of their space shit: Florida. Space Coast Florida.

And instead of a conspiracy shack in the desert, Keith gets a conspiracy shack in the bayou (well, technically “bayou” is Louisiana-area swamp, so conspiracy shack near the Everglades. Point is, conspiracy shack on the swamp)
His motorcycle is a futuristic motorcycle/airboat. Instead of driving off a cliff they lose their tails by getting them stuck in the mud.

He is in possession of a small orphaned alligator. It’s name is “Gator”
They maybe bring it along? Maybe not though: space probably would not be a healthy environment for an alligator.
On one hand, Lance jibes at Keith for Gator doing more than he did in the Sendak fight
on the other, the parting is touching, Keith says “bye Gator.” And walks away, never looking back (he wants to, but he doesn’t). Lance flips out on two accounts; one, this is Keith’s constant companion. His SON (or daughter? Not sure how to tell with a gator). He can’t just say “bye” and leave. Two, you can’t say BYE to an ALLIGATOR. You have to say “see you later” it’s crucial!

There aren’t really any caves in Florida, but the faughenhoffer (whatever) line looks exactly like this one riverbank from above. They go to the section of the river and loiter around until Lance is like “I see something in the water” and just immediately strips and dives in (“wait Lance! What if there’s that one brain-eating amoeba! ” They say. “You can’t get your head under water because you will die if that shit gets in your ears!” “I can’t hear you! there’s water in my ears!” Says Lance)
Ok no. That’s a bad idea
Baaaadddd idea
Ok maybe safer would be if the faunenhough (ughhhh) line looks like a river that’s source is a spring. They go to the spring, loiter around, Lance drops by the spring’s gift shop and buys some goggles (Keith notes that the attached museum has a lot of stories from ancient Native Americans about a blue lion), lance strips and jumps in (the water is freezing, he whines a little… A lot), he swims down the terrifying crevice that tends to source natural springs.
Lance is gone underwater/underground for a terrifyingly long time. They think he may have drowned. Lance Prooommiiisseedd he was a really good swimmer and could hold his breath for a very long time, but this is just excessive. The lifeguard is about to walk over to ask them if something is wrong–they’ve been staring at one place in the water for a long time–when a giant blue cat head erupts from the water. It opens its mouth and a lot of water flows out, but hey, there’s Lance!
They board the lion and leave the planet.

Pidge’s last words in earths atmosphere are “ah well. At least no more mosquitos.”
Everyone else’s last words in earths atmosphere are “oh man you are so right! Fuck mosquitos!”
(There is one single mosquito that made its way into Blue’s cockpit. They are trying to kill it during the entire firefight. Keith manages to clap it right as they hit the wormhole. Everyone likes Keith.)

Submission: Solo Benedict

The SGB keep going on about all the ‘solo’ photos of Benedict on, around or going to/from set in London. I’m assuming they believe Sophie should be with him every waking moment of the day, or their marriage must be a sham. I have to ask, when was the last time your significant other came to work with you every day? Especially with two small children at home?

~~~~~

I guess Gator’s marriage is a sham then too and perhaps her kid is fake. Now who should we report her to? That’s how it works right?

gator-from-the-depths  asked:

Leatherhead has not seen his lover all day, completely unaware of what has happened to him as he just suspects that the tiger was on a extended assassination assignment. Nevertheless, he and the children would be waiting for him in the living room, watching TV until the two younglings would fall asleep on the couch as the gator would keep looking at the door then back to the tv.

He almost did not want to come home. Around his torso was a wrapped cloak hiding his missing arm. He knew how this would go leatherhead would lose himself but he could not avoid him forever. So he took a deep breath before walking inside. “…Leatherhead I have returned.”

Crossing Paths

Prompt: AU where the reader passes the same cute guy every morning on her run. A little too enthusiastic, she trips and falls, and guess who comes to her aid?

Character: Sam x Reader
Reader Gender: female
Word Count: 2.5k
Warnings: Language, smut, rough/dirty talking Sam (this guy is nuts, I love it), mentions of blood.

A/N: Yupppp, another Sam one. I just felt like he was a better fit ;) Don’t forget to leave me some feedback, I’d love to hear from you guys!!

(gif credit goes to the owner!)

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2

We had a pet baby alligator named Captain Crunch for a week after we rescued him from someone who was keeping it illegally and neglecting it. They brought it into the aquarium shop we worked in and tried to sell it to the owner as a dwarf Cayman. We called fish and wildlife to come get it, and they sent two guys from NC to take him to a gator sanctuary. It was illegal to keep him in the pet shop, so we kept him in a big tank in our dorm room. He was so gentle and would take food from our hands. He was starving, and we fattened him right up. When the two burly guys showed up with a huge cage to take him back in we laughed so hard at them. They said you wouldn’t believe how many people say they have a two foot alligator only to have them show up with a five foot one that could take your arm off.

~Birth Story of Mayla Raven~

           There are many events in the two days before Mayla was born that likely helped bring on labor. On January 2nd, I went to my midwife, and had my membranes swept, and then had an intense acupuncture session. The next morning I woke up, (not in labor) and was extremely emotional about it. I WAS SO DONE WAITING!! That day I went for a 3 mile hike through the woods and an hour long gator ride on bumpy back roads, in a desperate attempt to bounce dat baby out of me. That evening, two hours after the hike and gator ride, starting around 5 (though id been having irregular contractions all day) contractions started getting uncomfortable in a way I hadn’t felt before. They were coming regularly too, about every 5-6 minutes. They were totally tolerable but definitely got my attention. They continued without signs of stopping and got worse to the point I started having some difficulty talking through them.

         At about 10 p.m. they actually got bad enough that I knew for sure something new was happening and decided I wanted to go to the hospital because they were about 45 seconds long, every 4 minutes, and they HURT. So me, Joe and my mom went to the hospital and checked into triage to get me checked. The second contraction while I was in the hospital brought with it my bloody show!! I was excited because now I KNEW something was happening!! My doula showed up, but they checked my cervix and I was still only 1 cm dilated and 50-60% effaced with her head in a -3 position. I was definitely discouraged. They wanted me to stay and walk through contractions but I was exhausted and wanted to just rest in between so I figured it’d be best to go home to do so. Before we left, my doula showed my mom and Joe the move that was my LIFESAVER during my entire labor, squeezing my hips or the hip joint from both sides inwards as hard as they could. It was one of the only things making contractions tolerable and looking back I really couldn’t have made it if I hadn’t known that move.

         We got home at around 1 a.m. January 4th, and the three of us agreed that Joe should sleep while my mom took over helping my contractions. (Joe has a shoulder injury that made it hard for him to do the hip squeezes.) So Joe went to bed in the other room and my absolutely wonderful mother stayed up all night helping me. Contractions were steadily 4 minutes apart, painful, and each one required help with my hips to control the pain. I also used a hot rice pack on my low back. During this time the affirmation I kept reminding myself with was “these contractions are not stronger than me, because they are me.” I knew my body was making them and that it wouldn’t give me more than I could handle, but I’ll tell ya, during those hours I was sure I would not deliver naturally. I knew I was only in early labor and if it was this bad, how could I possibly handle how much stronger it would get without medicine?

           At about 7 in the morning, after 6 straight hours of “sleeping” two or three minutes before me waking and moaning through another contraction while my mom squeezed my hips, my mother was exhausted and needed backup and I wanted nothing more than to just really truly sleep. Knowing that wasn’t gonna happen without strong drugs I just kept working through one contraction at a time. My mom called a friend of ours who is like another mum to me to come over to take over hip squeezing since my mother was dead tired by now and Joes shoulder couldn’t handle the (extremely strenuous) task.

          No sooner had she called her when something changed. I don’t know how to describe it but intensity went up with no warning. The pain was brutal. I got extremely nauseous and am surprised I didn’t vomit. I thought “this can’t be transition already, can it?!” But transition or not I knew it was time to go to the hospital. My mom was hesitant, thinking they’d send us back home but I insisted because I KNEW something was changing. We were on out way in no time. When we got there my midwife checked me at 10 a.m. and boom! 100% effaced, 5 cm dilated and Mayla’s head was in a -1 position! My mom was shocked how much progress I’d made and though I wasn’t surprised I was definitely relieved. It was so wonderful for all of us knowing that this was finally it, and I was having a baby! No induction needed! My doula was on her way and they asked if I wanted to try the jacuzzi to which I said yes absolutely! I was excited; I knew it’d feel great. I was very shocked when I got in and found that wow, that was not the case. Joe was in the tub with me and in between contractions it was really wonderful to lay back against him but those were short rests and during my actual contractions I could find zero relief. It was unbearable and I was probably only in the tub 20 minutes before wanting to head to my room.

         Now, the room I got is actually very special. :) Not only is it the very biggest labor & delivery room in the hospital, but it is the very room that my own mother labored in with me! :’) (I was born in a different room via cesarian but we labored in the very same room!)

             So anyhow, I got back to the room, and, exhausted, I laid down on my side in the bed immediately and proceeded to enter the most surreal part of my labor. As I was told afterwards by everyone who witnessed it, I appeared to not only not be in any pain, but I also appeared to have just completely left the room. The part about me not being in pain could not have been less true, but I really did enter an altered state. The pain of each contraction was such that following a brief moan at the beginning of each one I would roll my head up and stare blankly at the trim around the ceiling completely silenced and mentally paralyzed by the pain. At that point it was the very worst thing I’d ever experienced. At the beginning of each contraction I would lift the leg which was facing upwards and one person in the room would hold my knee and foot as I twisted and stretched my leg in it’s hip joint throughout the contractions while another person would simultaneously put counter pressure down onto my hip or back. This became a pattern and the contractions carried on silently for what I would’ve guessed was an hour, but I later learned was 4 and a half. As I rested in between each rush and I was vaguely aware of people switching turns doing the two movements but I never paid attention to who and what. The room was dead silent and like I said, the pain took me away to somewhere I was unreachable. At some point during this time my primal state took over and I tore off the hospital gowns I was wearing and continued the rest of my labor & delivery naked. Later on every person who was in the room told me how peaceful I Iooked and I was shocked, considering the chaos that was going on for me physically. My mother, after 4 hours even pulled my midwife aside and asked if possibly my labor had slowed down or stopped, so my midwife suggested checking me. I agreed, and I was all the way to 8 cm.

           Very shortly after she checked, something changed again, and my body began trying to push. This frightened me. I knew I was not ready to push because I’d just been at 8 but with each contraction the need got stronger so by my doula’s suggestion I got up and went to the bathroom to labor in a squatted position on the toilet. Looking back, this was my entrance to transition, by far THE most difficult part of my labor. Once on the toilet and having the weight bearing down, the need to push got uncontrollable and every contraction, my body would push, hard, and it was agonizing. I am really glad Joe was not there during time I labored in the bathroom. The place I was in would have likely been terrifying to watch. This is the first time since being at the hospital that medicine crossed my mind, and I demanded it. I was no longer in control and the pain took over. Every contraction brought wild sounds from my mouth. A few screams, lots of low growls and hmm shall I say caveman noises? Along with these were the very typical vocalized thoughts which come with transition. I would say “I WONT DO THIS.” “I’m not going to do this anymore.” “I want the medicine now.” “I’m done.” “I don’t want to do this.” Nobody listened. Just kept physically supporting me through the contractions and telling me how great I was doing, how close I was, that I would meet my baby soon, and even making labor noises with me. With each contraction it became more obvious that I was pushing harder and it was so unbearable to not be able to push with my body so my midwife checked me again to see if maybe I was dilated and ready to push. I was at a 9 and now that I was upright she could tell my water bag still had not broken, so we discussed the advantages and risks of breaking it, and I agreed that I’d like it broken. She did so. Maybe two or three contractions later I was ready to try something new and so I left the bathroom and started bouncing on the birth ball while leaning my upper body on the bed. Though I had forgotten it through the entirety of my labor thusfar, I looked up and saw my mother had hung up my birthing necklace. I focused all my energy onto it.

         Since my water had been broken each contraction made me bear down more and I no longer had control, was giving in and pushing with them, hard. Because of this my midwife had me hop up on the bed to be checked again to see if I was ready. I was finally fully dilated except for a tiny lip on the front, so with my next contraction my midwife had me push as she pushed on the lip and just like that, it slid back and I was fully dilated at 3:20 pm! Time to push!

         I knew I wanted to try squatting while I pushed, so they lowered the bottom of the bed so it was like a chair almost, and set up a squat bar for me to pull up to to hang on during pushes. Throughout my whole labor thusfar I didn’t mind (nor notice) who was or wasn’t around me so long as there was always someone putting the pressure on my hips and doing whatever else helped at the time, but when I started pushing I noticed Joe wasn’t there and I started wailing for him. He was only in the bathroom and was back soon but that minute or so of not knowing where he was or why he wasn’t there was terrifying and felt like a century. My midwife began holding warm cloths on my perineum and continued to do so for the entirety of my pushing. My doula tied a scarf around the bar for me to use to pull myself up at the beginning of each contraction. I did this squatting for a while, maybe 5-10 contractions, but between each one I’d collapse in exhaustion on the bed. The effort it took to pull myself back up at the beginning of each contractions became too much so I laid on my side and put my right foot up on the squat bar for leverage and to allow the most possible room in between my legs for Mayla to come through.

          It took a while to learn how to push effectively. During every other part of labor it’s so important to try to relax your muscles and breathe, deeply and continuously, never holding your breath, and to use low moans or growls to help you through. So I began pushing by inhaling and I would push as I exhaled with a loud moan. This caused the pushes to be very short and not very powerful. Eventually with help from my doula and midwife I learned that when I felt a contraction starting, that I should inhale deep, hold it, and then bear down with every bit of muscle and power in me while holding my breath, exhaling when I reached my limit, taking a few quick breaths and repeating this as many times as I could during each contraction. I could usually fit 2 long powerful pushes into each contraction, sometimes a third. As hard of work as it was I was very thankful that I was past transition, nearing the end, and able to do something with my contractions instead of just having to experience them helplessly. The entire time I was pushing, Joe was next to me, moaning with me, telling me how great I was doing and how proud of me he was, and holding wet washcloths on my head.

         When Mayla’s head first started coming through I experienced the burning sensation most people describe, and it would ease as her head slipped back inside in between pushes. Eventually she was crowning, without slipping back inside and my midwife asked me if I wanted to feel her head. I reached down and felt her damp fuzzy head and felt Joe’s fingers next to mine and just completely lost it. Tears came to my eyes and I cried out “My baby! Mayla! That’s my baby!” while totally brimming with joy. I looked at the people there with me saying “I did it! I did it!” because that’s when I realized that I really had. The strength that came with feeling her there, so close to life overcame me and the next few contractions I pushed with were stronger than anything I have ever done with my body. A contraction started, and I inhaled and pushed harder and longer and stronger and in a moment I felt a pop and complete relief and relaxation flowed over me and I let out a cry realizing that was her head!! Before I even knew what was happening my midwife told me to push and I hardly pushed and out came her shoulders and body without me even hardly feeling it and I reached out with a scream of “MAYLA!” and there was my baby.

           She was immediately on my chest, wet and new and squirming and I was so overwhelmed. My first words to her were “MAYLAMayla! You’re here, oh my god you’re here!” Over the next few seconds I told her I loved her so much and was so happy she was here but after about 10 seconds of silence on my chest I asked her, “Can you give me a cry?” which quickly turned into me begging her while patting her hard, “please cry, please please cry. Oh baby, please cry,” as I myself started to cry. Next thing I knew my midwife picked her up off of me and cut the cord and my baby was taken across the room to a table and a bunch of people I’d never seen before came rushing in the room, immediately crowding around her doing things I couldn’t see, as I stood there staring in shock saying “my baby, what’s happening, is my baby okay why isn’t my baby here she should be right here,” touching my empty chest. I heard someone tell me she had inhaled the meconium in her fluid and that she was going to be just fine, she just needed to have her lungs suctioned. While I was staring at the table she was at in pain and fear and horror my midwife told me my placenta was ready and to give a little push. I did and with gentle pulling it splooshed out.  A few seconds later I heard the most beautiful sound I have heard to this day, a short wail coming from the table where I could only see the little purple arms and legs of my sweet daughter flailing around. They worked on her a minute more and then before I knew it my daughter was back on my chest. My beautiful, crying daughter. Joe and I both cried as we took her in for the first time, So wrinkly and puffy and new. The most beautiful blessing to ever come into my life. And the best part? I brought her into this world with all the strength I never knew I had.

          I am so, so infinitely grateful for the support team I had during Mayla’s birth. I couldn’t have done it without their patience and dedication. Everything went so perfectly and the minutes of terror immediately following her delivery are so insignificant compared to the raw and primal beauty of the entire labor process. I truly believe I can do anything I set my mind to and I believe so strongly in my sacred feminine strength which did not fail me. 

                                       Blessed. I am blessed.

6

Did Benedict actually… the scene where he comes in…does he miss time any of those (punches)? (x)

honestly what did the assistant from Jurassic world do to deserve getting chomped by both a pterodactyl AND the mega dinosaur whale gator. she had two lines yet she got the most spectacularly gruesome death I’ve ever seen in my whole LIFE, LMAO WHY WAS SHE DONE SO DIRTY