or did i just invent it

the signs as fake quotes my weird cousin has attributed to famous authors

aries: as oscar Wilde once famously said, ‘fuck men’

taurus: i believe it was percy shelley who wrote ‘why cry over spilled milk when instead u could cry over everything

gemini: you can lead a horse to water, but u can’t make the horse drink that fucking water if it wants vodka instead. sun tzu said that.

cancer: y’know, steinbeck once screamed ‘death to capitalism’ while setting himself on fire, and i couldn’t agree more.

leo: i was trying to think of a hemingway quote, but thankfully i just remembered that i don’t give a shit about hemingway

virgo: Flintstone vitamins are for losers. William shakespeare.

libra: did you know that that nicki minaj took the lyrics “i beez in the trap” straight from jane austen’s iconic 1813 novel pride and Prejudice?

scorpio: maya angelou actually invented the acronym NSFW, did u know that? 'Not Safe From Whites’. they’re coming

sagittarius: the most inspirational thing walt whitman ever said was ‘dance like nobody’s watching’ that man was a poet

capricorn: ‘be there or be…gay! lol jk don’t be gay’ ~ the bible, chapter 5 verse 17

aquarius: honey, as Faulkner said once, ‘eat shit mark twain’. words to live by

pisces: nietzsche once said that dante was a ‘hyena that wrote poetry on tombs’ and i’m not making that shit up because nothing is funnier than that

It’s early in the morning and nobody will probably read this but I just had the greatest ‘humans are space orcs’ idea

Imagine if humans are the only species that experiences impatience.

Think about it. Most prey animals are extremely patient. Ever meet a deer or a rabbit in the woods and hold still to try and out-wait the thing? I can guarantee your brain starts sending bored bored bored messages very quickly, and your instincts start telling you to give up and find something else to do. Humans can do the patience thing- as evidenced by our endurance hunting methods- but our instincts tell us not to. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this feels like a predator development. I have the idea that if aliens are mostly prey-based, and we’re predator-based, then the aliens will be very patient and we just aren’t.

As an evolutionary development, being impatient can be brilliant. It means that we didn’t sit around and wait for the ice caps to warm up, we knew we didn’t have the technology to survive that level of cold, but we did it anyways. We were trying to send people into the sky and then into space before we had fully figured it all out, simply because we didn’t want to wait and think it out, we wanted SPACE and we wanted it NOW. And personally, I tend to be extremely productive and inventive when I’m feeling impatient. Mechanic is booked for a few days? I’ll figure out how to change my oil and tires and tint my car’s windows myself. Strawberry season is still 4 months away? I’ll get a heat lamp setup and grow them myself. Friends can’t visit and help move furniture for a week? I’ll build a trolley out of some toy cars, tape, a chessboard, and do all the lifting myself.

This impatience is what made us design faster cars, faster computers, faster internet, faster communication, methods of growing food faster, of processing food faster, we’re always looking for the quickest and most efficient thing simply because we are not patient. 

Impatience leads to a type of creativity and persistence that patience just doesn’t have.

Imagine aliens starting to realize this.

“You got to your moon before you had developed LED screens??? You didn’t even have computers that could do basic math?!”
“Well, what else were we gonna do, sit around and wait?”

“Your planes don’t have gravitational control? Don’t you experience discomfort from the acceleration and directional changes?”
“Sure. But we needed to get on the other side of the planet in a decent amount of time.”
“So… what you’re articulating is that you’d rather have physical distress than have to have a long journey?”
“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Human____, our mechanical teams will be on site in several of your earth hours, so we won’t be going anywhere until then.”
“Screw that. Where’s the manual for this thing? I bet I can fix it.”
“But you don’t have any mechanical training.”
“I also don’t feel like sitting around on this rock for ages.”

“You’re back already? I thought your medical representative told you to not be walking on that limb for another of your weeks.”
“Ugh. I just can’t anymore. I’ve got to get up and move and do something, anything.”
“But doesn’t that hurt to walk on?”
“Absolutely.”
“…You would choose pain over waiting?”
“What can I say, I’m not a patient person.”

Like aliens just being baffled that humans would rather work hard or struggle with a problem or even experience pain and discomfort. They, as prey species, are used to just waiting it out. They don’t have the same impatience driving them to get up and go and to fight through things just because they can’t wait any longer.

Bonus: 
Human: Ain’t nobody got time for that!
Alien: Why don’t you have time? Is something scheduled soon?
Human: No, I just don’t feel like wasting time.
Alien: But… it’s not wasted. It’s time well spent. And you do technically have the time to spare for that. If there’s nothing scheduled, then you do ‘got time for that’.
Human: No. No, I don’t. It’s just… no.

“Band names are just made up!”

Really?

Then I’m not surprised that Panic! At The Disco came from the lyrics of “Panic” by Name Taken (Panic at the disco/Sat back and took it slow).

Mikey Way used to work at a Barnes & Noble. While stacking books during his shift, he saw a book by Irvine Welsh called Five Tales Of Chemical Romance. He wrote the title down and showed it to his brother Gerard after he came home. Gerard agreed with the name for the band - he just added “My” to make it personal.

While performing for the first time, Fall Out Boy was nameless at that time. The band asked the audience to give them name suggestions. One of the audience yelled out “Fallout Boy”, who is the sidekick of Radioactive Man in The Simpsons. The name stuck.

Green Day is actually a slang for someone who does nothing but smoke marijuana all day. 

AC/DC was an acronym for “Alternating Current/Direct Current” on a electric sewing machine. Kinda fits the rhythm of the band if you think about it.

Black Veil Brides is a Roman Catholic term used to describe a woman who gives up her pleasures after getting married in a church so she could devote her life to God. Since marriage is the happiest moment of one’s life, the opposite of it is be having to attending a beloved’s funeral. 

Imagine Dragons is an anagram of letters from different words. The band kept a secret of revealing the words.

Joy Division is the name of a prostitution wing of a Nazi concentration camp from the novel The House of Dolls.

Avenged Sevenfold was mentioned in Genesis 4:24; “If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, Truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold.”

Coldplay was originally called “Starfish”. They renamed themselves after another friend’s band, who had named themselves after a book of collected poems, Child’s Reflections: Cold Play.

The Beatles misspelled their name to describe their music “beat”.

Nirvana is a term of Buddhism for a person who succeeds into transcending the human suffering and rebirth through many spiritual practices and meditation.

Linkin Park is the change of name of Lincoln Park, the same park where Chester used to drive past every day for band practice.

Pierce The Veil was a social term that Vic learned in his Sociology class. According to his professor, “piercing the veil” is a fancy term for cutting the root of a problem before it influences you.

Twenty One Pilots got its name when Tyler was in theatre class. The play he was studying was All My Sons which involved the main character allowing the flight of various planes after finding faulty parts. Due to his actions, the protagonist becomes responsible for the deaths of 21 pilots.

There are a couple reasons how The Who got its name. The most popular was that Pete Townshead’s grandmother often called popular bands “The Who?” due to her impaired hearing.

Of Mice & Men named themselves after the novel by John Steinback.

Paramore is a respelling of paramour which means “secret lover”.

Iron Maiden is the name of a torture device.

Foo Fighters were used by the Allies during the WWII to describe UFOs.

Evanescence means a disappearance/dissipation like vapor. The band chose this as they find it as the description of the temporal nature of life. 

Asking Alexandria was named after Alexander the Great.

All Time Low was mentioned in the song “Head On Collision” by New Found Glory.

Led Zeppelin refers to the Hindenburg disaster. Before the band was formed, Keith Moon and John Entwistle made a joke of how a supergroup containing themselves, Jimmy Page, and Jeff Beck would be a “lead balloon”, a British idiom for disastrous results.

Muse originates from the fact that the bandmates heard someone from their hometown suggested that a muse is hovering Teignmouth, England to explain why many of the town’s populace are becoming members of band.

The Misfits is the name of the 1961 film.

Yes, there are some bands whose names are inventive and original but seriously. There are many musical groups that I can count whose names come from something. So if you say any band names are just “made-up”, I dare you to do some research like the members did before you could say it right in my face.

i know it’s kind of a meme in the fandom that viktor thought making A SCENE and greeting yuuri naked in japan but i think that was completely unintentional? which makes it even funnier imo?

allow me to explain

i don’t know exactly how long after yuuri’s video went viral that this scene happens, but it’s safe to say that at least a couple of days passed? perhaps a week or a bit more, even though the anime makes it look like it’s on the next day?

so he’s been avoiding the media for days, keeping his phone off so absolutely nobody’s going to be able to reach him until people forget about this madness 

which means he’s also entirely clueless about the rumors of viktor being his coach

and it makes it so much funnier because we know yuuri’s dad doesn’t know jack shit about figure skating, and viktor doesn’t know how to speak japanese AND IT WAS PROBABLY TOSHIYA WHO FIRST TALKED TO VIKTOR WHEN HE ARRIVED AT YU-TOPIA?

TOSHIYA IF YOU’D ONLY GET INTO YOUR SON’S ROOM, LOOKED AROUND AND DID THE MATH YOU WOULD KNOW

so what has happened was probably something like “i have no idea what you’re saying mr. foreign-dude but you’re probably here for our famous onsen so yes make yourself comfortable” which viktor, tired as fuck from his travel (a long ass flight from st. petersburg to tokyo, probably? plus the train from tokyo to hasetsu?) GLADLY ACCEPTS

hell yeah i’m going to enjoy the fuck out of his hot spring

since yuuri is nowhere to be seen why not take some time to relax after a long travel, am i right

it’s not like viktor would understand if yuuri’s parents were to say “oh yes yuuri is holed up in his bedroom but he’ll come out eventually” so as viktor is pretty sure he found the right place and that yuuri is there he’ll just wait and have a nice soak meanwhile

AND THEN YUURI JUST BARGES INTO THE ROOM WHERE VIKTOR IS BATHING

well, this was not how i had planned this to go but here you are?

AND OF COURSE, STANDING UP WAS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY BUT VIKTOR BASICALLY INVENTED BEING EXTRA AND… LET ME SHOW YOU MY HOT BOD BECAUSE I GOT TO SEE YOUR ALMOST-EVERYTHING AT THE BANQUET SO I THINK IT’S FAIR YOU GET TO SEE ME NOW AM I RIGHT??? 

in viktor’s mind, yuuri is this extroverted, outgoing party animal he got to know at the banquet and was absolutely mesmerized by, so he probably thinks yuuri’s going to be alright with this extra introduction? also knowing yuuri lives and probably worked at the onsen for a while viktor maybe just assumes he’s probably unfazed by nudity?

oh viktor, little did you know

it just gets funnier the more you look into it

Motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg jesus christ fuck dude motherfucking Facebook movie bullshit jesus can you fucking believe this shit

Goddamn created Facebook and fucking lawyers and shit right fucking Winklevoss Twins goddamn rowing the boat fuck yo shit i can’t even fucking believe this shit have you seen this shit fuck i just watched this shit fuck Jesse Eisenberg man

Motherfucking Spiderman Spiderman you put in the time fuck put in the time motherfucking build shit with his bare hands fucking best friend shit Jesse Eisenberg

No man i’ll just talk about the Facebook movie all day shit man you have to be so interested in the shit i have to say about the Facebook movie fuck dude i just watched it a year and a half ago fuck Jesse Eisenberg man he fucked over Spiderman crazy Winklevoss Twins rowing trent resin or did the soundtrack fuck this guy who invented Facebook i don’t like dying i can’t think of who the fuck invented Facebook all i can think is the guy who played the guy who invented Facebook who the fuck invented Facebook

MARK ZUCKERBERG

little adhd things
  • verbal filters are a myth invented by the government
  • i went on wikipedia to look up sources for an essay but somehow i ended up reading about the history of meridian cannons
  • “did i eat dinner tonight?” *checks bin* *finds empty microwave meal packet* “wait is this from today or yesterday” 
  • always needing something in your hands to play with
  • okay i know you’re talking to me about something important but i can’t stop staring at that woman’s weird hat and now it’s leading me on a train of thought that has occupied my entire attention span
  • talking so fast you literally forget to breathe
  • i just read three pages of this book and i know i was paying attention but somehow i remember absolutely none of it
  • whoops i don’t have any plans for today so i guess i’ll just Die
  • being unable to remember the names of people you’ve known for months and talk to every day
  • panic attacks
  • “adhd was made up by millenials to justify kids with behavioural problems and underachievers”
  • did i do that thing yesterday? or the day before? or last week? did i do it at all?
EULOGY FOR AMERICA

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to say our goodbyes to our dear friend America, who died recently after a brief, intense battle with fascism and a long, slow battle with carbs. Thank you all for coming out to help say farewell. It’s not easy. But at least America died doing what it loved most: deep-frying Halloween candy while white men tried to explain to women what jazz is.

America was sick for a really long time. In the early stages, I think we were all in denial. You could tell that America was unwell—public displays of brutality, deeply internalized prejudice, “Entourage”—but it seemed curable. Just a case of plain old electile dysfunction. We thought that we’d caught the fascism early, but, as we now know, it had metastasized. America was more Florida than country by the end.

America was born right here, in America, and lived here its entire life. America was always about family. It is survived by its similarly ill father, Britain, and its large brood of children: baseball, Google, fireworks, losing your fingers to fireworks, giving your Uber driver only four stars because he talked to you, thinking granola is healthy, Chicago (the place), “Chicago” (the musical), “Chicago” (the movie adaptation of the musical), Chicago (the band), “Chicago Fire,” “Chicago Med,” “Chicago P.D.,” “Chicago Justice,” “Chicago ‘Chicago’ ” (a show about the Chicago production of the musical “Chicago,” coming to NBC this fall), and a bunch of wars.

I’d personally be nowhere without America. America was there when I was born, when I got married, when I saw Janet Jackson’s nipple at the Super Bowl. Remember that? After that happened, none of us slept for days, because we had never seen the pointy part of a boob on our TVs before, and it really upset us. America was really cool that way. It would always get mad when you’d see the pointy part of a boob on a TV. I’m gonna miss that.

However, we should not dwell on the loss of our dear country, friend, and place where all the Cheesecake Factories and Lids stores are. Today, let’s celebrate America’s life, and remember all of the remarkable things it accomplished and how many actors playing Spider-Man who keep getting cuter and younger were inside of it. America gave us so much. And, boy, did it look good for its age. America was two hundred and forty-one years old when it died, but it didn’t look a day over a hundred and sixty-four! It looked so young, it could’ve been the very same America that put its own citizens in internment camps!

America got a bunch of things really right. Mostly how to put food inside other food. Anyone can just eat a chicken. But in a duck?! In a turkey?! In a gun?! No one is going to forget the Turduckenun any time soon. America was so inventive that way. And, I mean, everyone does silly stuff when they’re young. America was beautiful, too. Sure, it was a little lumpy, and you could always see its Florida through its pants, but it just got hotter with age. So hot. It was so, so hot by the time it died. Almost too hot to live in.

If there’s anything we should take away from this tragedy, it’s that you should always check yourself for fascism, especially around your midsection. It’s easy enough to do in the shower. If you catch it early, it can be cleared up with a rigorous regimen of local elections and books and yoga. But America was cocky. Nothing bad had ever happened to it before! It assumed this fascism would pass, just like the Second World War and “Entourage” had.

What a shame. America was just the best damn country in the whole U.S.A. I’m sorry that I’m getting choked up. I get really emotional when I think of America, and also I took too big of a bite of Turduckenun and it got lodged in my windpipe. We will all miss America greatly. Every time I see an American flag or a gun, I’ll think of America. But we can all rest easy knowing America is in a better place now: Russia.

anonymous asked:

honestly, my favourite tony trope is him surviving so much bullshit that everyone starts to believe that he's actually immortal. Villains start just giving up on actually killing him, and either incapacitate him or make sure he's unavailable when they start the fight. Some of the more egotistical ones go out of their way to try. There's many conspiracy theories about him, and how it's possible that he's survived. One of his favourite pastimes is reading the more outlandish ones. (Tree)

Listen. It’s common knowledge among the villains of the world. If you’re anywhere close to being a professional Badguy, then you’ve heard the stories. You know the rumours.


Tony Stark Does Not Die. So for God’s sake, do not be stupid enough to try.


Some of the newbies, they ask. They wonder why no-one tries to shoot a fatal hit, why they never even bother to go for Iron Man. 

The older, more weary villains just roll their eyes and mutter “don’t wanna waste my firepower. Save your shots for the ones that will actually stay dead, kid,”

“That asshole crawled out of a cave with a hole in his chest and still managed to kick everyone’s ass,” someone pipes up moodily from the corner.

There’s a sudden bang as a hand slaps on the counter, and the newbie turns to see another grim-looking villain.“I once shot straight through him. Laser right through the stomach. You know what that piece of shit did?” The guy gestures to his lack of foot. “He Goddamn turned around and shot my leg off! and then he just sort of looked down and shrugged at his own fatal wound. He told me I had it worse, and that he was ‘sorry’. Who even does that?”

“I crushed him,” says another, “he just buried out the other way and then caught me a day later. It took me years to get out of prison.”

“I planted a virus in his suit while he was thousands of miles above sea, and not only did he defend it, but he traced my source and sent it back. Thousands and thousands of dollar’s worth of tech, gone,” someone shouts miserably from across the room. “He didn’t even have a fucking keyboard! Every line of code was verbal! He spoke and memorised those lines faster than I could type them, and I goddamn invented the thing!”

A bottle of… something, flies across the room. Obviously everyone is very bitter about this.

The newbie, because they’re always like this at the start; over-confident and stiflingly cocky, puffs their chest and looks them all in the eye. “you just haven’t been thinking about it hard enough. I’ll kill him. Just watch.”


Everyone descends into hysterical laughter. Someone is crying. No one in the room is Okay. 


“Whatever you say, whatever you think or plan, he’s one step ahead. Don’t, for your sake, please. Take Thor. Or Cap. Or maybe the Widow, if you’re feeling brave? But just… don’t waste your time with him. Try and keep him away, instead. That’s all we can ask for,” says someone next to her, obviously taking pity.

“He might be smart, but he’ll have no idea what’s coming when I step on the scene!” Newbie growls. “Listen-”




A few miles across, Tony Stark listens to the whole conversation via a bug he planted in the known Villain Hiding-Spot, and smiles smugly.

“Damn straight,” he mutters, before calling in the rest of the Avengers to gloat.

7 Reasons Why

So…. I am currently watching the new tv show “13 Reasons Why” and my mind decided to make a tragically-beautiful connection tooooo can you guess what?? YUP LANCE!! So here are my thoughts once again… hope you enjoy and feel free to comment any other ideas!!
*NOTE* I’m lowkey crying as I’m writing this. My heart isn’t okay. I’m not okay, okay?? *MORE NOTES* So this came out kinda different than the show/book but i hope yall kinda get the idea

  • Lance was dead. Had committed suicide to be exact. And he left his story behind.
  • The tapes appeared from nowhere. No one knew where they came from or where they disappeared to. No one knew that the tapes contained so much in such a small amount of time. No one knew that these tapes would become an ugly part of them.
  • “Hello space pals and gals. Lance McClain (KINDA LOVE THIS LAST NAME) here. Live and in stereo.”
  • Lance starts off by explaining his “7 Reasons Why” (hahaha get it? Cuz he’s the seventh wheel?? *cries*) he committed suicide and his two rules.
    • “Rule number one. You must listen to the tapes. I’m not gonna lie. This is going to be hard to do but you MUST LISTEN.”
    • “Rule number two. When you are done, you must leave them where you found them. And if you, oh lets say, decide to throw them away, tsk tsk tsk…. bad things will happen.”
  • “First and foremost, our mighty and heroic leader, Shiro.”
    • “I wasn’t good enought to be praised by you.” Lance explains that Shiro was a good leader, a great leader one might say. Unreplacable, “unlike me.” So why was it that he never told Lance “great job” or “thanks for the help.” Why did he alway care so much for Keith? Told him “great job out there” and patted him on the back after every battle. Why did he always take his side even when he was in the wrong? Why did he treat Pidge like a little sister? Always taking care of them and making sure they were getting enough sleep. Always being so nice and caring to both. “You were always my hero but why did you not act like it?” He never payed attention when Lance didnt get enough sleep or didnt eat or was sick. Always making him work and train. Always pointing out his flaws without helping him improve them. “Why, Shiro, did you not care for me?”
  • “Can you guess our number two?? Well, I’ll give you a hint. It’s not me this time. *laughs* First time being number two, our excellent number one paladin, Keith!”
    • “Keith my man, I loved you.” (Klangst? WHY TF NOT?!?) Lance always loved Keith, always looked up to him too. He loved to joke around with him, loved to rile him up, loved to bicker with him because thats how he got to talk to him. He knew that they were playing around so why did it hurt so much? “Why Keith, did you always tell me I wasn’t good enough?” Always telling him to leave you alone, always “you’re annoying me” and never “please stay.” Keith always reminded Lance that he was never good enough, never up to his level, never realizing how lance felt. But how could Lance blame him? However, sometimes Keith, you, took it to far to the point where my heart was too broken to put back together. “I’ve always loved you but you made it so easy to hate you, too.”
  • “My favorite green paladin, my little space sister (female pronouns for this), my gaming buddy, Pidge.”
    • “Pidge, did you even ever realize that I saw you as my sister?” Lance saw his little sister in Pidge. He always, like Shiro, did his best to make sure they stayed healthy. He was always fussing over her eating and sleeping habits. So why did she never appreciate him? “Pidge, you never even said thanks you.” Lance just wanted to be a brother to her. So why did she make him a disposable replacement for her missing brother? Always using him when necessary and then throwing him away when it got too much for her? “Leave me alone Lance. Im working.” Pidge sometimes said really hurtful comments to Lance and she never let him help her because why would she let someone “annoying” help? In, reality Pidge was his sister but according to Pidge, “You are not my brother, Lance. Matt is.”
  • “Hunk, my precious beautiful friend. You did nothing wrong but you also did nothing at all.”
    • “Where to start?” Hunk had always been Lance’s best friend but after Voltron things changed. “I noticed that you and Pidge would hang out together, without me.” Lance just wants to be part of their group again. He tried so hard so join, to contribute, to help. But all he got was “you’re distracting us.” Although they didn’t hang out as much, Hunk was the first one to realize that something was wrong with Lance. “You left me alone.” Hunk saw him getting worse and changing throughout the days. He saw but didn’t do anything. “Hunk, why did you not do anything, if you noticed?” Lance wondered why Hunk left him by himself, why he didn’t try to reach out to him, why he didn’t invite him over, why didn’t he? “You could have helped but you didn’t.”
  • “Our beautiful space princess who will save the universe without moi, Allura.”
    • “Sometimes, your pushing for perfection was too much, not just for me but for everyone.” Lance always felt like the odd one out. Everyone was good at something but he never had a “thing” and Allura’s nagging didn’t help. “Keep up Lance!” Keep up with Keith in the training stimulator. Keep up with Pidge’s new machinery. Keep up with Shiro’s battle plans. Keep up with Hunk’s nee inventions. Keep up. “Again.” No matter how hard Lance tried, Allura was never satisfied. Never complementing him, never saying “good job,” never letting him rest, never telling he was good enough. “Why, Allura, did you never see how hard I was trying?”
  • “Lets talk about our seventh wheel, our number one *snickers* sharpshooter, Me! Lance!”
    • “In my opinion, I was the number one at fault for this occurrence.” Lance hated himself. He hated himself for feeling jealous, angry, sad, homesick, depressed. “I just wanted to be like the rest of you all.” Lance wanted to be as good as Keith and as strong as Shiro. He wanted to be as nice and comforting as Hunk. Wanted to be as smart as Pidge and as powerful as Allura. “I wish I wasn’t so selfish.” Lance thought he was selfish. He wished to get “thanks you’s” from the rest. Wished he get praised from Shiro and Allura. Wished Keith would feel the same way. Wished he was home with his famiy. He wished and wished and he hated it. “I wished I was home.”
  • “My favorite alien, Coran, the one who took care of me and who noticed me struggling. Yes, he tried to help but I guess it wasn’t enough since I’m dead now.”
    • “You let me walk away.” Coran tried helping Lance in his own way. But how could an alien understand some Earthly emotions? “We talked but sometimes it was just you talking.” Coran tried to get Lance to open up to him but failed. He always cut off Lance with his own stories so he never let Lance say what was bothering him. “Coran, you were like an uncle to me.” Coran reminded Lance of his uncle and it kinda hurt him. He was constantly reminded of his family whenever he was with Coran. This made his emotions even worse when he talked to Coran because sometimes Coran didn’t understand him. The day Lance died, Coran had told him to just “move on.” Lance just got up and left but he secretly hoped that Coran would come after him. He didn’t. “You wanted me to move on from this and I did.”
  • “I’m sorry.”
history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

   According to Tolkien, Faramir was “modest, fair-minded and scrupulously just, and very merciful”. He mentioned once that he did not invent Faramir, though he liked the character very much. As a soldier in World War I, Tolkien connected himself with Faramir, who only loved swords for “which they defend”. Among the characters, Tolkien wrote, As far as any character is ‘like me’, it is Faramir”.

What she says: I’m fine

What she means: Motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg Jesus Christ fuck dUde mother fuckinG facebook movie bullshit jesus can you fucking bElieve this shIt goddamn creator of facebook and fucking lawyers and shit right fucking winklevoss twins goddamn rowin the boat fuck yo shit I cant even fuckin believe this shit have you seen this shit Fuck I just watched this shit Fuck Jesse EisenberG man motherfucking spiderman spiderman you put in the time fuck put in the time motherfucking build sHit with his barE hAnDs fucking best friend shit jeSse Eisenberg I’m very tired No man I’ll just talk aBout the Facebook movie all day shit man you have to bE sO interested in the shit I have to say about the facebook movie fUck dude I just watched it a year and a half ago fuck Jesse Eisenberg man he fucked over spiderman crazy Winklevoss twins rowing Trent resin or did the soundtrack fuck this guy who invented facebook I don’t like dying I can’t think of who the fuck invented Facebook all I can think is the guy who played the guy who invented faceboOk Who the fuck invented Facebook

MARK ZUCKERBERG

What I love more than anything about Brooklyn Nine-Nine is how nice all the characters are. And we’re always told that nice = boring, but they’re not boring at all, even though they’d do absolutely anything for each other. I mean Gina’s the meanest character on there and she’d still give her friends her own liver if they needed it, she’d just criticise them really inventively while she did it.

Maybe other shows that think they need to make their characters dark and edgy to attract an audience should consider just becoming better writers?

things that should happen w malec in 2b:

  • a👏🏻kiss👏🏻initiated👏🏻by👏🏻magnus👏🏻
  •  a concept; casual intimacy 
  • like malec holding hands 
  • forehead kisses!! 
  • kissing each other goodbye/good luck/ good morning 
  • them waking up to each other, magnus with his hair unstyled, without make up and alec just admiring him for the way he is 
  •  alec making breakfast while magnus slowly creeps behind him to hold him and nuzzle his neck 
  •  saying i love you in every possible domestic situation 
  • malec being the power couple they are and fighting off circle members together 
  •  alec would make sure magnus is covered while magnus would unleash his true demon prince™ powers basically killing everyone 
  • what im saying is i want more powerful magnus while alec nuts in the background 
  •  did i already mention a kiss initiated by magnus 
  • literally imagine him just pulling alec by the lapels or the back of his neck for a kiss while alec would get absolutely breathless  
  •  MORE 👏🏻HUGS👏🏻 
  • especially cuddly ones where they’re just laying in random places at magnus’ apartment, holding each other tight, maybe burying their face in the others neck and smelling them a bit 
  •  every deep™ conversation has to be on the balcony from now on 
  • alec interacting with magnus’ magic!!! 
  •  either sharing him his strength again or just playing with it a bit 
  •  clary finally doing something useful and inventing the alliance rune for them 
  • magnus sharing his past with alec and alec learning to understand his background better 
  • them adopting madzie because come on they’ve already been officially established as her dads 
  • overall more intimacy initiated by magnus, taking his feelings into account more so things like 207 won’t happen again 
  •  them bickering like an old married couple 
  • alec moving in to magnus' 
  • alec’s parents starting to accept their relationship and realizing it’s serious and that it’s not going anywhere 
  • alec asking to see magnus’ cat eyes again more properly this time and them having a moment™
  • more screen time
  • no more goddamn interruptions 
  • malec getting engaged in the season finale

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

history of the entire world, I guess starters (pt 1)
  • ❛  You’re on a rock floating in space.  ❜
  • ❛  Pretty cool, huh ?  ❜
  • ❛  Some of it’s water. fuck it, actually, most of it’s water.  ❜
  • ❛  I can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s sad. I’m sad. I miss you.  ❜
  • ❛  How did this happen ?  ❜
  • ❛  A long time ago - actually, never. and also now.  ❜
  • ❛  Nothing is no where.  ❜
  • ❛  Makes sense, right ?  ❜
  • ❛  Like I said, it didn’t happen.  ❜
  • ❛  Nothing was never anywhere, that’s why it’s been everywhere.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s been so everywhere you don’t even need a where. You don’t even need a when.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s how ‘every’ it gets.  ❜
  • ❛  Forget this.  ❜
  • ❛  I wanna be something, go somewhere, do something.  ❜
  • ❛  I want things to change !  ❜
  • ❛  I want to invent time and space.  ❜
  • ❛  I know it’s possible because everything is here.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s probably already happened.  ❜
  • ❛  I just don’t know when to start.  ❜
  • ❛  And that’s exactly where it started.  ❜
  • ❛  Woah, I paused it.  ❜
  • ❛  I think there’s a universe now.  ❜
  • ❛  What’s it made of ?  ❜
  • ❛  Ah, that’s a thing. In a place.  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t like it ? Try a new place at a different time.  ❜
  • ❛  Some of them even doubled up.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s a star !  ❜
  • ❛  New shit just got made.  ❜
  • ❛  Some stars burn out and die, bigger stars burn out and die with PASSION !  ❜
  • ❛  Holy shit we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.  ❜
  • ❛  It kinda made a mess.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.  ❜
  • ❛  Now there’s hot steam in the sky.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.  ❜
  • ❛  Weather update: it’s raining.  ❜
  • ❛  Severe flooding alert ! the entire world is now an ocean.  ❜
  • ❛  There’s life in the ocean.  ❜
  • ❛  Something’s alive in the ocean !  ❜
  • ❛  oh, cool, like a plant or an animal ?  ❜
  • ❛  It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup.  ❜
  • ❛  Oh, yeah, and it can do that.  ❜
  • ❛  It has secret instructions inside itself telling itself how to build another one of itself.  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean ?  ❜
  • ❛  Now you can eat sunlight !  ❜
  • ❛  Using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food.  ❜
  • ❛  Taste the Sun !  ❜
  • ❛  Side affect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue.  ❜
  • ❛  Wow that’s animals and stuff.  ❜
  • ❛  Hey can we go on land ?  ❜
  • ❛  The sun is a deadly lazer.  ❜
  • ❛  Nope ! Can’t walk yet.  ❜
  • ❛  There’s no food yet so I don’t care.  ❜
  • ❛  Learn to use an egg.  ❜
  • ❛  I was already doing that.  ❜
  • ❛  And now everything’s huge.  ❜
  • ❛  oh fuck, now everything’s dead.  ❜
  • ❛  Here are the survivors. Keep your eyes on this one.  ❜
  • ❛  Yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it. It does that all the time.  ❜
  • ❛  and the dinosaurs are gone.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s mammal time, here come the mammals !  ❜
  • ❛  Look at those breasts !  ❜
  • ❛  Now they’re gonna dominate the world.  ❜
  • ❛  One of them just learned how to grab stuff.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s a human person !  ❜
  • ❛  And now they’re everywhere.  ❜
  • ❛  Well I guess we’re stuck here now.  ❜
  • ❛  Let’s review: there’s people on the planet and they’re chasing their food.  ❜
  • ❛  Fuck it. Time to plant some grass.  ❜
  • ❛  Look at this. I control the food now.  ❜
  • ❛  Now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.  ❜
  • ❛  This is great ! I wonder if anyone else is doing this ?  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of using rocks for everything ? Use metal !  ❜
  • ❛  It’s underground.  ❜
  • ❛  Better farming was just invented in a sweet, dank valley right in between these two rivers.  ❜
  • ❛  Guess what happens next !  ❜
  • ❛  Coming soon to a dank river valley near you !  ❜
  • ❛  Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere the horse is probably being tamed.  ❜
  • ❛  Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy ?  ❜
  • ❛  Tired of using lame, sad metal ?  ❜
  • ❛  I don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.  ❜
  • ❛  Meanwhile, out in the middle of no where they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.  ❜
  • ❛  Now we’re getting somewhere.  ❜
  • ❛  You could make a religion out of this.  ❜
  • ❛  And they believe in god.  ❜
  • ❛  He’s got, like, a ten step program.  ❜
  • ❛  Wow, that’s big.  ❜
  • ❛  Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened.  ❜
  • ❛  This guy who sat under a tree for so long he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying.  ❜
  • ❛  He was great, and now he’s dead.  ❜
  • ❛  Get the hell out of here.  ❜
  • ❛  Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants ?  ❜
  • ❛  And they’ve got spices !  ❜
  • ❛  Fuck you, obey the law.  ❜
  • ❛  Then it broke again.  ❜
  • ❛  Hell yeah ! Now we got business.  ❜
  • ❛  Is loving Jesus legal yet ?  ❜
  • ❛  No … actually, ok, sure.  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t worry about Rome, it won’t fall.  ❜
  • ❛  What’s a barbarian ?  ❜
  • ❛  Here’s a huge city, population: everyone.  ❜
  • ❛  Your gods are all fake.  ❜
  • ❛  Everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.  ❜
  • ❛  The Roman Empire is long gone but somehow the Pope is still the Pope.  ❜
  • ❛  Someone owns that now.  ❜
  • Hugo: Hey, Mat?
  • Mat: What?
  • Hugo: Can I share something with you from earlier today?
  • Mat: What is it, Hugo?
  • Hugo: Well, I sent you a text early in the morning.
  • Mat: Yeah...
  • Hugo: Because I have to, uh, go out of town for one weekend.
  • Mat: Yeah.
  • Hugo: This month.
  • [Mat giggles]
  • Hugo: And so I was, like, I won't give specific dates, but I was like, "Do you have a preference if I go this weekend or the next weekend?"
  • Mat: Mm-hm.
  • Hugo: Your response.
  • [Both laugh]
  • Hugo: At 9:30 in the morning... "Mother fuckin' Jesse Eisenberg Jesus chRIST FUCK DUDE MOTHER Fuckin' Facebook movie bulLSHIT JESUS CAN YOU FUCKIN' BELIEVE THIS SHIT".
  • [Mat laughs]
  • Hugo: No punctuation. Random capitalization. So I respond, "I have no idea what we're talking about right now."
  • [Mat laughs]
  • Hugo: Forty-five minutes pass. I get a text from you. "GOD DAMN CREATED FACEBOOK AND FUCKING LAWYERS AND SHIT RIGHT FUCKIN' WINKLEVOSS TWINS GOD DAMN ROWING THE BOAT FUCK YO SHIT I CAN'T EVEN FUCKIN BELIEVE THIS SHIT HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHIT FUCK I JUST WATCHED THIS SHIT FUCK JESSE EISENBERG MAN".
  • [Mat is dying with laughter]
  • Hugo: I say, "Mat, you're scaring me."
  • Hugo: An hour passes. You respond, "MOTHER FUCKIN SPIDER-MAN YOU PUT IN THE TIME FUCK PUT IN THE TIME MOTHER FUCKIN BUILT SHIT WITH HIS BARE HANDS FUCKIN BEST FRIEND SHIT JESSE EISENBERG I'm very tired".
  • Hugo: I'm just like, "No problem, man. I'll... I'll do most of the talking at the PTA meeting today."
  • Hugo: IMMEDIATE RESPONSE. I'M TALKING, LIKE FIVE SECONDS LATER. "NO MAN I'LL JUST TALK ABOUT THE FACEBOOK MOVIE ALL DAY SHIT MAN YOU HAVE TO BE SO INTERESTED IN THE SHIT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE FUCKING FACEBOOK MOVIE FUCK DUDE I JUST WATCHED IT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO FUCK JESSE EISENBERG MAN HE FUCKED OVER SPIDER-MAN CRAZY WINKLEVOSS TWINS ROWING TRENT RESIN OAR DID THE SOUNDTRACK FUCK THIS GUY WHO INVENTED FACEBOOK I DON'T LIKE DIE I CAN'T THINK OF WHO THE FUCK INVENTED FACEBOOK ALL I CAN THINK IS THE GUY WHO PLAYED THE GUY WHO INVENTED FACEBOOK WHO THE FUCK INVENTED FACEBOOK".
  • [Mat is physically wheezing from laughing]
  • Hugo: And then in all capital letters. Two hours later.
  • Hugo: "MARK ZUCKERBERG".

hamilton ( cut songs/workshop versions ) sentence starters !!

the reality is not a pretty picture.
tell him to stay home!
you have invented a new kind of stupid.
i begged you to take a break, you refused to.
you’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose to!
i look at you and think ‘god what have we done with our lives, and what did it get us?’
i’m not here for you.
 i will choose her happiness over mine every time. 
she died. she’s gone. ❞
 she changed my life. she made my life worthwhile. 
 sometimes it seems that’s all we do. 
 you and i will build a strong foundation. 
 you’ll blow us all away, someday. 
 just apologize, we have worthier pursuits! 
that’s when i realized this was not a game. 
 i want the world to know what i intended to do. 
 he must have been so scared. 
 i never had his instinct for self preservation. 
 it’s not in his political interest to kill me. 
 god, i can’t wait to see her again. 
 bitch, please! you wouldn’t know what i’m doing! 
 the line’s behind me, i crossed it again. 
 you fat mother f– ! 
 we in the shit now, somebody’s gotta shovel it. 
 if you knock me down i get the fuck back up again. 
 you swing at my family, you better not miss. you better have another punch to throw. 
 you could let it go. 
 people will always be critical. 
 let other people be cynical. 
 you’re smiling because you know i’m right. 
 you didn’t kill him, did you? 
 were you here this whole time? 
 you don’t have to bring a gun to a knife fight. 
 you know you really ought to listen to your wife, right? 
i hope you’re happy. 
 you could have given me a word of warning. 
 shhh. haven’t you talked enough? 
 i need you by my side. 
 i have a plan, but it’s risky. 
 but i couldn’t turn my back on a nation in need. 
 PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES! 
 teach them how to say goodbye. 
the enemies i’ve made won’t have anything on me now. 

Did I ever tell y’all that I got bored one day and thought AU where Jack is a literal prince as a joke and then completely failed to let go of the concept

Turns out it’s not easy to invent a royal family. Of Canada. Living in Quebec. With the last name “Zimmermann”. I basically had to reinvent Canada’s entire history and constitution just for a stupid joke and now I’ve accidentally got this extremely detailed alternate universe with centuries of history and genealogies of old Canadian families, and absolutely nothing to do with it

Some features:

  • Jack is the last in the Zimmermann line. Since no one actually knows who comes next, no one is very sure what will happen if anything goes wrong
    • There’s a centuries-long dispute between the Armistead and Chevalier families
    • There was an aborted constitutional crisis when Jack overdosed where everyone in politics panicked for a few days
    • Early in a relationship, Jack has to have an awkward “I know this is too early but I need to know if you’ll want kids because… Canada” conversation
  • He’s still known as the Hockey Prince because he insists on playing professional hockey even though he’s a prince, Jack, what are you doing?
  • Inviting his friends to the palace this is hilarious to me
    • Kent “I’ve fucked a prince but I can’t tell anyone” Parson
    • Bitty cannot believe anything about his life
    • “Shits you have to wear pants in the palace”
    • T a t e r
  • Everyone is just a little bit hesitant to check him too hard. Partly because he’s a prince and partly because his long-suffering security guards are watching and also are possibly armed
  • As a result of a minor tiff with the English royal family that included some world-class mocking on the part of then-Queen Joséphine, the Zimmermanns own all Canadian geese in Canada
    • “They can beat your swans in any fight” said Joséphine, probably
    • They also own all the Canadian geese in the US, as part of a minor clause in some treaty or another, which was inserted after a few friendly drinks. No one has done anything about it since so it’s technically still law
    • There’s a long tradition of the Zimmermanns issuing a formal apology to anyone attacked by a Canadian goose
  • There’s been a rumour for as long as anyone can remember that the Zimmermanns are secretly vampires or witches or werewolves, etcetera, depending on the variant you hear. They have never commented on this rumour