operator belt

Colt-Browning M1895/14 machine gun

Designed by John M. Browning c.1889-95 and made by Colt Manufacturing Co. c.WW1.
.30-06 caliber, belt-fed, lever-actuated gas-operated automatic fire, air-cooled finned barrel.

An early machine gun design, and a sexy one at that. The Colt-Browning “potato digger” was the first reliable gas-operated rapid-fire gun to see military service, starting in the Spanish-American war.
This make the US Navy the earliest example of armed forces not seeing a problem with gas operated machine guns compared to recoil operated ones, a demographic also known as “not the German army until the 50′s”.

anonymous asked:

How does the action on an mg42 work

The MG42 is a recoil operated roller-locked belt fed weapon. 
You have 3 major component groups working in this system:
the fire control group (trigger), the action, and the belt feed mechanism.

The fire control is simple due to the weapon’s open bolt operation. The trigger merely controls a sear that fits into a notch on the bottom of the bolt assembly and keeps it locked to the rear until the trigger is pulled. When the trigger is released, the sear pops back up from spring pressure and stops the bolt on its return stroke. There is no hammer or striker assembly like on other weapons. If you were to draw the bolt back and let it go with the fire control completely removed from the gun, it would fire until it ran out of ammunition or suffered a malfunction. 

The action operates on a recoil operated roller-locking system.
As the bolt assembly moves forward, it strips a round from the belt and moves into locking position as the round is chambered. The wedge shaped striker sleeve then moves forward and forces the two rollers (seen in green below) to cam into position and lock into the barrel extension, which is the squarish part at the chamber end of the barrel.

Because the firing pin is part of the striker sleeve, the gun does not fire until the system is fully locked and safe. After the weapon fires, the bolt and barrel stay locked together and move rearward with recoil. The rollers then cam against the side of the receiver and are unlocked from the barrel extension. After the bolt unlocks, it continues to travel rearward to extract and eject the fired case.  The MG42 also utilizes a distinctive muzzle booster with a cone shaped flash hider. The muzzle booster functions by capturing the expanding gases that result from firing and uses them to apply rearward force on the front of the barrel within the jacket. This  improves reliability of the system as the force from both the recoil and the expanding gases are used to unlock the system and apply rearward force on the bolt.

This smooth roller system and fast lock time is what resulted in the MG42′s  infamously fast fire rate of fire of ~ 1,200 rpm.

The belt feed mechanism of the MG42 was a very influential design due to its simplicity and reliability. The top cover of the feed mechanism houses a swinging cam track that interfaces with a raised cam on the top of the bolt body. 

 As the bolt travels forward and back, the cam causes the track to swing back and forth, which works the feed pawl that pulls the belt through the system and line up ammunition for feeding.

This .gif from howstuffworks.com shows the operation of the M60 machine gun, which took heavy influence from the MG42. The feed mechanism functions identically.

I hope that clears things up for you, and you have somewhat of an idea of how the MG42 works. I’m not the best at writing really.

anonymous asked:

What is your all time favorite J2 non au fic? Favorite au fic? Favorite J2 fic in general?

oh goodness 💕

my favorite J2 non-AU fic is @qblackheart ‘s The Courtship of Jensen’s Co-Star ✨ it’s been on my “I need to reread ASAP” list for, what feels like, ever, but I want to dedicate all my time and energy into rereading it, not tired-eyes-at-2-AM. it’s absolutely wonderful and here’s a little bit about it:

The Courtship of Jensen’s Co-Star by @qblackheart

Somewhere in the time between a handshake and a hug, Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki went from being reel-life brothers to real-life best friends, and complete strangers to cosmic soul mates, no rhyme or reason to it that either of them could ever see. Jared was everything Jensen was not: friendly, funny, and full of life; one in six-point-whatever billion the Earth’s population currently stood at. Life was awesome. Work was amazing. Everything was fine until Jared kissed Jensen. Everything was peachy until Jensen fell in love. With desperate times unexpectedly calling for desperate measures, Jensen called Chad Michael Murray for relationship advice – because being in love led to temporary insanity obviously – so it really didn’t surprise him that he couldn’t seem to win when it came to wooing Jared. Still, Pisces must’ve been in a really good place in the night sky or something because suddenly, right smack dab in the middle of the miserable courtship of his co-star, Jensen discovered that maybe loving Jared was all he needed to do to win his heart. And luckily for Jensen, loving Jared was also the one thing he did best.

Rating: NC-17; Word Count: 112,000+; Warnings: None

I can’t give enough praise for this story, but I’m probably going to do another long rec when I eventually get around to rereading it 💕💕💕

my favorite J2 AU story is (this is so hard, I have so many and if you want a list of fic recs, just let me know) either Underneath it All or Fucking Kodiak, Alaska

Underneath it All by @ashtray-thief

Jensen Ackles was always good at acting, pretending. So good in fact that he is the FBI’s favorite undercover guy. He has more undercover operations under his belt than he’d like to remember, and after his latest stint with a ring of human traffickers he really thinks he deserves a break. Unfortunately there’s a new criminal organization on the rise, and all attempts to infiltrate and take down the Padalecki family have failed so far. Which is why Jensen finds himself faced with a new assignment, one that no other agent qualifies for and that he really doesn’t want. Because trying to seduce the most powerful man in the Chicago underworld? Not really high up on his list.

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 94,427; Warnings: Violence, Morality Issues

Fucking Kodiak, Alaska by Xenodike

After having an emotional and physical breakdown and trying to get away from a dysfunctional relationship, Jensen finds himself staring at a stuffed and mounted bear standing in a tiny airport terminal on the on the other side of the country. Jared, self proclaimed cocky asshole and sporting a fantastic manbun, takes pity on him, expecting a thank you orgasm before they go their separate ways. Turns out, Jensen’s not half as broken as he thinks he is. A large fluffy dog and a little help realizing his prostate is in fact not defective, goes a long way. Jared is a lot more broken than he’ll admit. Jensen takes him on a journey of learning what it means to have someplace to call home. Throw in a lot of plaid, flannel shirts, a tiny log cabin, a horrendously ugly, moldy RV, a weather-beaten bar, fantastic wildlife, spectacular nature and a hillbilly shithole in the middle of nowhere.

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 70,016; Warnings: Implied Child Abuse

my favorite J2 fic in general is probably The Courtship tbh, but my current obsession is this:

Not the Desperate Type by @guestwho

Jared’s party-animal reputation gets him accepted into the notorious Alpha Epsilon Pi house (or as they call it, APE) easier than a game of hopscotch - but what he doesn’t expect to find there is someone who totally harshes his vibe: Jensen Ackles; a prude with a stick up his ass the size of Texas.

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 16,484; Warnings: Drug Use, Homophobia

I also consistently reread these two stories:

Miles to Go by @dollylux

As Jensen’s assistant, Jared takes care of him at work. As a man in love, he can’t help that he wants to wrap him up in a warm blanket and take care of him in every other aspect of his life, too.

Rating: Explicit; Word Count: 8,176; Warnings: None

And When We Kiss by grace_fully

Jensen is not amused by the the tall football douche who sits in front of him in organic chem. In fact, he prefers to torture him whenever possible. 

Rating: PG-13 to NC-17; Word Count: 14,870; Warnings: None

We are so lucky in the J2 fandom to have so many wonderful writers and stories. I have a lot of lists, a lot of fics, but these are ones I go back to often ❤


Hotchkiss Mle1914 DCA machine gun

Manufactured by the Hotchkiss Cie c.1914-18 for the French army.
8x50mmR Lebel articulated metal belt, gas operated, air cooled, automatic fire.

The Hotchkiss machine gun switched from its 30-round metal strip to an articulated belt when it started to be used in vehicles like tanks or aircrafts. It allowed a larger quantity of ammunition to be packed/rolled up in cramped spaces.
This one seems to have been used as an anti-aircraft gun.


Presenting a prototype of Skirtcraft’s planned second unisex skirt product: the Aqueous Skirt! Featuring:

- Large side pockets
- Rear zipper (if not easy to reach, rotate the skirt around to operate zipper)
- Belt loops
- Lightweight outer cotton shell for a smooth, natural drape
- Heavier linen (or linen-like) lining for privacy and wind resistance
- Distinctive seam lines that begin at the pockets and zipper, and spiral around to reach the hem
- Quarter-circle cut

anonymous asked:

What is one thing that Jack would get frustrated at Nisha for?

Jack is a neat freak..have you seen his desk? XD and Nisha just doesn’t give  a damn

————- story by @neebsandtatties

Nisha’s been away for days, and Jack wouldn’t be being 100% honest if he said he didn’t miss her. He’s deeply offended by Wilhem when he suggests that Nisha has him by the short and curlies now, but the old cyborg isn’t entirely wrong. She’s made herself quite nicely at home in his life.

And damn if it isn’t exactly where he wanted her; quirks and all. He’s gotten used to waking up to her warmth against him; an arm thrown around his waist because she’s territorial of him even in her sleep. He’s gotten used to taking his coffee like she has hers, because he loves the taste of spices  on her lips after she’s downed a cup herself. He’s gotten used to how she’ll always steal food from his plate and laugh even as when he grouches about it. He’s even used to the way her make up clutters around his bathroom, and used to the irritation when he inevitably knocks over all her lipsticks. He’s gotten used to wearing her own unique marks around his neck, and on his throat. It’s the only brand on his skin he doesn’t bother to hide.

He’s gotten used to all these things. But he definitely won’t be able to get used to the mud and dirt and God knows what else that she tracks in when she comes back.

So instead of having a dramatic, welcome home kiss, he’s dropping to his knees on his recently washed and waxed floor. He’d gotten the place nice for her coming back. “No no!! Not my clean floor!” Jack almost weeps. Nisha’s boots leave splatters of mud  and something else he doesn’t want to think too closely about.

She glances over her shoulder at him as she tosses her bag onto a chair nearby. “Hmm?”

The gall of this woman.

He gestures wildly to her muddy footprints. The bitch didn’t even try and to wipe her feet off on the shuttle. “This! Look at this! I just had it waxed as well! All the filth and god only knows what else.“

As he laments over his floor, Jack doesn’t even notice his girlfriend shedding her jacket until it lands in front of him with a soft rustle. He looks up and she’s already taking her shirt off as well with a sexy little wriggle that drives him mad.

And this is no exception.

Her top has plopped to the ground before Jack manages to stop staring at the curve of her spine, the dip of her waist. She’s got a few scars and cuts it seems. He wants to grind his thumb against them and feel her squirm.

Nisha glances over her shoulder again. “You said somethin’ Jack?” she asks leisurely ,but he can see the familiar curving of her lips. She’s doing this on purpose. And god help him it’s working.

He’s up and off the ground, ignoring the mess she’s left behind, because he can’t be mad at her and operate his belt buckle at the same time. “You’re so cleaning that up later,” he says as the metal clanks free.

“Good to see you too ,Jack,” Nisha drawls as he hooks a finger into her belt loops to draw her back against his body. Her body heat sizzles through his jacket and jumper. “Did you miss me, handsome?” she asks as she reaches back between them. Her palm is suddenly around him and he near enough bites off his own tongue. “It feels like you missed me.”

He mouths against the back of her neck, breathing out her name while his hands slid onto her hips. He did.

He missed her, mud and all.

Tadeusz Zawadzki (1921-1943)

Tadeusz Zawadzki, codename “Zośka”, was a Polish Scoutmaster (harcmistrz). At the outbreak of the World War 2 he was 18 years old, and joined Szare Szeregi [see: Gray Ranks], a Polish scouting resistance organization. He became a second lieutenant of the Home Army (anti-Nazi and anti-communist Polish underground resistance), and operated mainly in and around the city of Warsaw occupied by the Nazi forces.

On 26th March 1943 Zawadzki himself commanded the “Operation Arsenal” (Polish: “Akcja pod Arsenałem”), a daring action and the major WW2 operation led by the Gray Ranks, which took place in Warsaw. It resulted in freeing Zawadzki’s former high school classmate, Jan Bytnar, and 24 other Polish prisoners (including 6 women) held by the German troops. Unfortunately, Bytnar himself died four days later on account of injuries sustained due to German torture.

In August 1943 Zawadzki took part in the “Operation Belt” (Polish: “Akcja Taśma”), an attack on German border guards’ building in the village of Sieczychy, north-east from Warsaw. He was meant to be just the operation’s observer, but died at the site, aged only 22.

Soon after his death, the famous Batalion Zośka (a Scouting battalion that played a major role in the Warsaw Uprising of 1944) was created and named in honour of Zawadzki, after his codename.

Zawadzki is a main character in ”Stones for the Rampart” (Polish: “Kamienie na szaniec”), a book by Aleksander Kamiński describing the “Operation Arsenal”. The book was filmed in 2014 [see imdb page].

10,000 Miles In The Sky

can you write one where y/n is in a plane and austin has the seat right next to y/n and it’s a pretty long flight and they are beginning to talk and after a while austin grabs y/n’s tight and they’ll have PDA on the plane. sorry for the bad english i’m from germany 😂


I fiddled in my seat a bit, making sure to study every sign and possible emergency plan that may come into play. I glanced out the window, seeing the luggage guys pushing carts with everyone’s bags on them to load into the cargo hold of the plane.

“Hi,” a soft voice greeted from my right. I turned to find a smiling man with a nose ring, some nice facial hair, and loads of tattoos greeting me.

“Hello,” I responded, returning his smile. 

“Looks like we’re going to be seat buddies today, “ he said. “I’m Austin.”

“Y/N,” I told him, shaking his hand. He seemed extremely nice. “Where are you headed?”

“Home actually. The United States, California to be exact. You?”

“Uhm, the same actually,” I told him, laughing in surprise a bit. “Where in California are you from?” I paused and let what I said sink in. “Oh, geez, I’m so sorry! You don’t have to answer that. I sound like a stalker, good lord…”

“No, it’s alright,” Austin laughed. “I live in Huntington Beach.”

“Wow, I am right outside there! That’s so weird,” I replied, genuinely shocked. 

“So we live in the same vicinity and we have never seen each other, but we happen to meet on a plane in Germany. Wow, it’s like we were meant to meet or something,” Austin commented with a chuckle. “Speaking of, what brings you all the way to Europe?” 

“Oh, I was visiting some family stationed here. My brother actually,” I told him.

“Oh, wow, that’s cool. Did you get to see anything while you were here?” he asked.

“Yeah, he took me sight-seeing. It was pretty fun,” I replied, nodding my head.

“That’s my favorite part of travelling,” Austin told me.

“You travel often then?”

“Uh, yeah, you could say that,” he said, a vague tone to his small laugh. I smiled and nodded, not pushing the issue. Before you could say anything else, a voice came over the intercom telling us to direct our attention to the front as we were preparing for take-off. A few flight attendants showed us how to operate our seat belts and the oxygen masks, pointing out all the emergency exits. I Clicked my belt together in preparation as the plane began to roll down the runway. “Nervous flyer?”

“Huh?” I asked, turning to Austin. He pointed to my bouncing knee with a raised eyebrow and faint grin. “Oh, yeah. Flying always makes me nervous. Like, what if the plane crashes, or terrorists take over, or maybe we get-”

“Y/N, it’s alright,” Austin said softly, finally removing his sunglasses so I could look into his lovely brown eyes. My breathing began to even out as I saw the assurance in those eyes. “I’ve flown thousands of times and every one has been okay. This one will be, too.” 

“Thanks,” I sighed out, nodding in an effort to convince myself he was right. As the plane began to lift off the ground, my body went rigid and i closed my eyes tightly. I hated this part. Suddenly, I felt a warm hand covering mine and giving it a light squeeze. I looked over to find it was Austin and smiled, feeling a lot of my tension leave my body.

“Talk to me, it’ll help take your mind off the flight,” he offered. 

“Alright.” So that’s what I did. I talked to Austin for hours and hours. He told me all kinds of things that made me laugh, smile, and completely forget about my anxiety of the flight. He was so easy to be around. It was like we’d known each other for years. 

Austin and I ate our food together (obviously, since we were on a plane), told embarrassing stories, shared some personal things, joked with each other. Austin eventually told me about his band and then introduced me to his band mates on board. We watched a movie together when we got tired of talking and then I ended up falling asleep. Little did I know, my head rolled onto his chest, his steady breathing lulling me into sweet dreams.

“Morning sunshine,” Austin whispered as I began to wake up. 

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry for falling asleep on you,” I apologized. Austin just chuckled.

“It’s fine, Y/N, honestly,” he assured. I sat up and stretched. 

“How much longer?” I asked. 

“Several hours. It’ll still be awhile,” he told me. He looked like he’d just woken up, too.

“So,” I started, not really knowing what to say. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Well, someone is a bit forward, aren’t they?” Austin laughed. My cheeks turned red at the realization of what I just asked.

“Oh, no, no, no, no! I didn’t mean it like that!” I rambled, burying my face in my hands. “I was just curious because you’ve talked about your family and friends and all kinds of stuff but no girlfriend and wow, I’m really sorry, this is super embarrassing, oh gosh…” I trailed on, sinking in my seat. 

“It’s fine, I was only joking!” Austin said, still trying to hold back some laughter. He laid a hand on my shoulder, calming me down a bit. I don’t know what it was about his touch, but it was strangely comforting. “To answer your question, I don’t have a current girlfriend. My job doesn’t really support that too often.” My heart fluttered and fell at the same time, if that’s possible. 

What about you? Andy lucky man in your life?” Austin asked. I shook my head.

“No, not right now. Haven’t met anybody I really can connect with, you know?” Austin nodded, indicating he probably had the same problem with girls lately. But here I was having this amazing connection with this stranger on a plane. Fate, or cruel coincidence? 

Austin and I talked some more, slept on and off, ate lovely airline food, and finally got the signal to buckle up because the plane was coming in for landing in California. Finally! Though, I was going to miss this lovely man that entertained me for so long and took away my flight anxiety.

“Here,” Austin said, offering his hand as we made the long descent. I took it gratefully. His large palm enraptured mine. Austin even laced his fingers through mine, making me blush a bit. We landed without a problem and I didn’t even hyperventilate thanks to Austin. 

“I guess this is goodbye then,” I remarked as Austin and I walked out of the connection tunnel and stopped to face each other. 

“It, uh, doesn’t necessarily have to be,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. I cocked my head curiously. “Can I, maybe, have your number?”

“Yeah, that’d be cool. If I can have yours, too,” I joked, handing over my phone. Austin laughed and quickly put his number in under “Seat Buddy Austin” with a little plane emoji and monkey covering it’s eyes. I did the same with his and handed it back. I giggled and then stuffed my phone back in my pocket. “I’ll txt you and we’ll totally meet up.” Austin leaned down to hug me sweetly before our departure.

“I can’t wait,” I told him truthfully. I couldn’t stop smiling. I turned to go, not believing this actually happened. Before I could get too far, I heard someone call my name.

“Y/N!” I turned and there came Austin, jogging over to catch me.

“Austin, I-” I started, but was cut off when his lips met mine. It was sweet and cute and all too short. But I loved every second of it.

“I’ve waiting to do that the entire flight from Germany,” he whispered, looking down into my eyes with a smile. “I didn’t think I could wait until I saw you again.”

“I’m glad you didn’t,” I said softly, smiling up at him and placing my lips on his again.

fair with dino

// Chan / Dino

You and Dino were waiting in line for the biggest roller coaster in the amusement park. Looking up nervously, you gulped as you watched people on the ride scream as they rode down the hills and curves of the ride. Beside you was your boyfriend, Dino. He seemed so excited for the ride, he was practically bouncing in his place.

Suddenly he looked down at you, with obvious concern in his eyes. “Babe? Are you alright? We don’t have to ride this if you don’t want to..” he said with a small pout.

You sighed, how could you stop him from riding this roller coaster he was so excited for?? You shook your head and smiled, “No, it’s fine. It’d be a waste to leave the line now anyways, since we’ve been waiting for so long.”

Dino stared at you skeptically and tilted his head. “Hmm.. alright if you say so babe. But just remember I’m happy as long as I’m with you so don’t force yourself okay?” He said before pinching one of your cheeks.

You two played in line for about 10 more minutes before it was your turn. “Next!” the person operating the ride shouted. Dino grabbed your hand and rushed the two of you to the very front of the roller coaster.

The ride operator fastened your seat belts and the ride began. As the cart slowly approached the top of the hill you began to panic and shut your eyes tight. Dino took notice and simply chuckled. He grabbed your hand and interlocked your fingers with his and leaned towards your ear. “Hey, you big baby. We’ll be fine, I promise.” He said and gave your hand a reassuring squeeze. You slowly opened your eyes to look back at a smiling Dino.

The moment of happiness didn’t last long though, about a second after you opened your eyes the coaster rushed down the big hill and you screamed your lungs at. At the end of the ride you were out of breath from screaming so much. The ride operator unlocked your seat belts and the two of you left the attraction, hands still intertwined.

“See? It wasn’t so bad right?” Dino said while smiling cheerfully.

You looked back up at him and smiled back, “Yeah, it was actually kinda fun.”

The sun was slowly beginning to fade and soon it would be sunset. “We have time for one more ride! What should we go on babe?” Dino asked you. You looked around the park, your eyes stopping on the ferris wheel. Dino followed your gaze and chuckled. “So, ferris wheel huh?” he asked.

You looked back at him and said, “Huh? Oh, no, it’s okay. You’d probably want to go ride on something more exciting right?” Dino smiled at the thought of how considerate you always are.

“It’s alright babe. We’ve been going on the exciting fast things that I wanted to do all day today. Now we can ride something you want to go on.” He said while guiding you towards the ferris wheel. There wasn’t much of a line, as all the other guests were probably trying to squeeze in one last exciting ride.

You and Dino got into the gondola, sitting side by side. You made small talk as the ferris wheel slowly approached the top. The sun had now begin to set and the sky was a beautiful blend of pinks, reds, and oranges. You looked out the window and smiled. “It’s so beautiful.” You said out loud.

Dino scooted closer to you and said, “Yeah, it’s pretty. But you’re the most beautiful.” while giving a cheesy smile.

You looked back at him and chuckled. “What a corny loser”

He raised his brow, “Oh yeah? Well you happen to be dating this loser.” Dino said matter-of-factly. While slowly leaning closer to you he whispered, “And this loser, loves you a lot.” Before you could say anything else, Dino leaned in for a kiss. You were surprised for a second before melting into the sweet kiss.

After the short kiss, the gondola had reached the top. You looked over to Dino and said, “Yeah, you’re a loser. But you’re my loser. I love you too.”


Can we please appreciate this South African Airline…

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Notice the labelling on the plane?


Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
“People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

On another flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

On landing, the stewardess said,
“Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

“Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
“Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Kulula employee:
“Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
“Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

Heard on Kulula 2 55 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
“That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline”. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why, no Ma'am,” said the pilot. “What is it?”
The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement:
“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you’ll think of Kulula Airways.”

Heard on a Kulula flight:
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light ‘em, you can smoke 'em.”

R2-D2 had over three decades of operation under his belt when he helped Luke blow up the Death Star. As of The Force Awakens, he’ll have been functioning for six decades.

We replace our phones every few *years.*

They don’t make ‘em like they did long, long ago …