open letter to a landlord

Dear Spiders: it appears we need to go over the conditions of the lease again.

Understand that I have nothing against you and your many many familial variations on the whole. That being said, it appears that you need to be reminded of the terms of our arrangement.

Item I.
The tenant shall be permitted to spin whatever webs it requires to support itself, so long as the nightly incursions of gnats and flies are halted in the process. The tenant is entitled to any and all insect intruders caught in its web, and the landlord shall not require any of them as rent. The webs shall not exceed the limits of the windows provided.

Item II.
The tenant shall not, under any circumstances, enter the room on the left. The secondary landlord reserves their right to refuse entry and any breach of this will be viewed as trespassing, for which appropriate measures will be taken.

Item III.
The tenant is not permitted to invite multiple friends and relations to inhabit the same window they have chosen to rent. Each window is meant as a single-spider dwelling. Relatives choosing to move into the surrounding area may choose an adjacent window or a bush. More than two spiders in one window shall be viewed as a breach of contract.

Now. To business.
 Regarding Item I, there have been a great many insects finding their way through the edges of the (closed) windows. We do not hold you accountable for the blind mosquitoes, understand, because we are aware that they are thrice your size on a good day. The ladybug and the gnats and the houseflies, however, should never have made it as far as the windowsill. This clearly violates your contract, and we will consider it a failure to pay rent.

Regarding Item II, and the most blatant of your breaches of contract. Despite the clarity of the lease agreement and its conditions, it was discovered the night before that not one, not two, but four of you had entered the premises via the room to the left. This violates the conditions, and each of the trespassers has been dealt with accordingly, and their webs removed. Quite frankly, you should know better at this point than to invade the room of the resident arachnaphobe, and yet you persist. What is it about the secondary landlord’s window that you all find so delightful? They never even open the blinds!

Regarding Item III, this morning several multi-web projects were discovered in single windows, despite the contract strictly forbidding this. As the insects are still getting through, the economical side of this venture has clearly failed. All secondary tenants are hereby ordered to cease and desist. As a caveat, the landlords, of course, understand that offspring arrive when and where they will and one can’t exactly stop that. However, placing one’s egg sac so that the myriad infant spiders will be positioned to enter the room on the left as soon as they realize there’s a world outside the egg sac is an extreme violation of contract! 

As all three items laid out in the contract have been ignored, subverted, or otherwise violated, I am afraid I have no choice but to terminate our arrangement. Webs will be removed while resident spiders are out, and any remaining trespassers will be dealt with severely. Those wishing to stay must abide by the lease and its conditions, or stronger measures will be taken.

The Landlord


Living Colour

Open Letter To A Landlord