open kitchen shelves

You know what makes me irrationally angry? Whoever decided that this should be a thing.

Fuck you and your goddamn “open shelving”. Who the fuck wants everyone to see all their dishes, like that cup you got from DisneyWorld 10 years ago and the mismatched plates that you have collected from various sources since you graduated college? Worse than that, who is going to stand on their toes and try to get those blue plates in the back, risking both themselves and the entirety of their china selection?

It’s a dumb fucking trend pushed by people who, I guess, don’t actually use dishes, or maybe just put the dishes they actually use in the cabinets below the counter. It’s a trend for super rich people who can afford to buy aesthetically pleasing dish sets that all match that they never use, and then hire maids to dust the dishes they don’t use because cabinet doors keep dust and dirt off your goddamn dishes.

Hey Denise, why not remodel your kitchen and remove your useful cabinets by replacing them with shelves to display your two mugs and suspiciously numerous milk pitchers. Also, why not stand your porcelain trays on their side at the back? Nothing could possibly go wrong.

“Mom? What are those gold lumpy things on our top shelf?”

“They’re alien eggs, sweetie. And when the planets are aligned, they will hatch,  suck out your bone marrow. All that protects you are these five artichokes I’ve got laying around on my counter for no apparent reason.”

“Why don’t you cook them?”

“I HAVE A TRENDY WHITE KITCHEN, DENISE. IF I USE IT IT WILL GET DIRTY!”

THANK GOD YOU’VE GOT THAT REMINDER TO LIVE, KAREN. I WOULD HAVE FORGOTTEN IF NOT FOR YOUR TRUSTY OPEN SHELVING KITCHEN.

Remember those cubbies you had in elementary school before you had the high school real estate called a locker? Well, we’ve brought them back. But instead of getting stickers for dropping your Dora the Explorer bag in it, you instead get to look at the set of dishes your dead grandmother bought you while you heat up Hot Pockets. Also, the food in your fridge is judging you as you masturbate on that couch. Why are you ignoring your almond milk, Jessica? IT NEEDS YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER.

Anyway, I will punch every open shelving concept in the face. Try me.