op it

how to fight voltron paladins

(inspired by this post)

pidge | who wins: you, for now
first, stop. take a drink. you probably spent your whole afternoon and then some just looking for her; like a wee spider, the moment you take your eyes off, she’s already gone - experimenting with poison crystals or building bombs in cupboards or - fuck, she’s gone again. try baiting her with state-of-the-art gadgets. it might cost you your retirement, but hey, if you do win, worth it…right? :3 fool. this is the nugget who spent four seasons single-mindedly tracking her bro. nowhere in the universe is safe. she hacks alien tech like cats hack hairballs - every time you close your eyes, you’ll hear her signature virus laugh as she makes it impossible…for you to save your documents. stuff of nightmares.

lance | who wins: you
why would you fight?? bitch, make it easy for yourself. observe this toll jellybean; he gets out-sassed by midgets and mullets, says shit like ‘what the cheese,’ wears fuzzy lion slippers, and defends galra pets who yup yup, he probably can’t tell if you’re a girl until (woah), you’re a girl, or a mermaid, he thinks they’re so cool! flirt, make him blush, and tie him up. then go home feeling terrible like you kicked puppies or something.

hunk | who wins: hunk
yeah, i get it. you think he’s dorothy’s lion mix gentle giant. shame. but unless you threaten his ‘girlfriend’s’ planet with a laser-spouting robeast, hunk actually…doesn’t want to fight you. you try your hardest tho - embarrass him in a stadium amidst thousand bi boh bihs, turn the food goo sentient - but this guy is all “no, friends don’t kick each other” and frankly, those blue shiny cookies look nice, he laughs at your bad puns, he hugs you after battles and calls you fam, it’s - losing never tasted so sweet.

allura | who wins: you
hear me out. it’s the pink armor, isn’t it? you wanna tap fight that. or it’s that gorgeous hair and charming smile, can’t be real. you get warmed up, start throwing a few punches, and then, she tells you you’re fighting her wrong - like fix your stance, try not to beat her in brute strength, she can crush metal doors like tissue paper yu know - what the fuck is this? oh wait, now you’re being led into a room and under the guise of diplomacy, you’ve just agreed to a hundred years of peace and happiness for you and your planet - but what about the fight? she pats your cheek - you won, don’t worry about it.

keith | who wins: keith
alarm bells should be going off in that peanut you call a brain. i hope you dug your grave ahead of time. for fuck’s sake he fights gladiators for fun and throws knives like coran throws shade and when he’s not hurtling off cliffs in hovercrafts, he’s an awkward mood kitty who probably wouldn’t understand your “fight me” hand gestures…he’s so confused. for even a tiny hope of a win, try. TRY to find him without 95% of his impulse control he calls shiro. it’s hard, i kno…u gotta shut that shit down before he dramatically searches across the universe and leaves you banging your head because really? shiro’s only been gone five seconds? until you knock yourself out.

shiro | who wins: please, no more…let him rest
if somewhere in your stone cold grinch heart you still wanna fight (see keith)