I ABSOLUTELY SHIP THAT DUDE. NO BUT IMAGINE CRONUS TRYING TIME AND TIME AGAIN TO GET LAID SOLELY BECAUSE HE IS CONVINCED HE ‘CAN’T KNOCK IT TILL HE’S TRIED IT’ AND EVERYONE IS CONVINCED IT’S SO GREAT AND THE STIGMA SURROUNDING IT IS SO STRONG THAT THE DESIRE FOR THAT ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, THAT UNDERSTANDING, IS SO DEEPLY ENGRAINED IT LITERALLY BECOMES PART OF HIS PERSONALITY.
AND KANKRI, CELIBATE KANKRI, IS THE FIRST PERSON HE GOES TO ALL, “listen, i think there might be something vwrong vwith me.” KANKRI IS SKEPTICAL AT FIRST, EYES NARROWED SUSPICIOUSLY BECAUSE WHAT’s THE ULTERIOR MOTIVE HERE, IS HE TRYING TO COME ONTO ME.
aNd then IT’S LIKE
“Y9u’re c9nvinced every 9ther lunar cycle that there’s s9mething wr9ng with y9u, 6ut please d9 ela69rate. As always, I am eager t9 assist y9u whenever I can in whatever ways I can manage. If y9u need t9 ‘vent’ t9 me, then I give y9u the full g9-ahead.”
“so i vwanna get laid, right?”
kankri’s just about to fucking facepalm so hard but before his hand can even come into contact with his face
“before you chastise me, i promise vwith my vwhole being that im not here looking to get it on vwith you.”
cue a Vantas Glare ™
“hey, okay! i already knowv ivwe got a zero chance vwith you. ivwe tried, ivwe failed.”
“Th9ugh I hate t9 stere9type 6ased 9ff 9f s9mething as ar6itrary as classpect, y9u are quite literally the 6ard 9f H9pe, and as such I am well aware 9f y9ur tendency t9 get a 6it… 9verenthusiastic when it c9mes t9 things that, may I remind y9u, will never, ever happen. Y9u need t9 remem6er t9 keep y9ur wits a69ut y9u. Just 6ecause y9u have a6s9lutely n9 69undaries t9 speak 9f d9esn’t mean that y9u can g9 ar9und disregarding 9thers’.”
“duly noted. nowv, are you gonna let me talk about my problems or vwhat?”
“Just 6ecause I am a servant t9 the pu6lic d9esn’t mean that I’m just s9me feelings receptacle.”
“yeah, yeah. thats been duly noted as vwell. nowv are you going to help me out or should i seek assistance from someone else?”
“N9, that w9n’t 6e necessary!” kankri says a liiil too eagerly because he’s 100% thirsty ok
“man, i dont evwen knowv if i VWANT to get laid anymore.”
kankri probably snorts or some shit because he’s terrible and i ahte him so fiuckign much
“i knewv you’d react like this.” cronus uses his guilt-tripping skillz because i hate him too
MAN I SHOULD JUST WRITE A FUCKING FANFICTION TBH.