oops my girlfriend is next to me

I hated sleeping next to people. I could feel my own breath on my face and I could feel the hotness of their breath come back at me. I never knew what position to lay in and my arms would always end up becoming numb from laying on them. I was always too hot next to them or I didn’t have enough room. I hated sleeping next to people until I fell asleep with her and waking up I could feel in my heart everything I had ever wanted in my entire life.
I hated holding anyone’s hand. My hands would naturally become clammy and uncomfortable. I never knew where to put my fingers or how tight to hold on. I always ended up letting go or finding an excuse to drop their hand. I hated holding anyone’s hand until I held her hands and my fingers fit perfectly and she intertwined hers with mine and I never wanted to let go.
I hated being called anything but my name. I thought that I didn’t need a nickname because I didn’t deserve one. I didn’t let anyone before her call me anything but my name. I hated being called anything but my name until she called me ‘baby’ for the first time and suddenly that’s all I wanted to be called.
I hated staying up late to talk. I was always exhausted and talking to them was the least of my priorities at that point. I always just went to bed fully knowing I hadn’t said goodnight and I could just use the ‘I fell asleep’ line. I never once ran myself ragged trying to type a goodnight message with only one eye open and my mind dazing off. I hated staying up late to talk until I spoke to her and the words spewed out of my mouth and never stopped and I would legitimately fall asleep talking to her because I didn’t want to say goodnight and the conversation to end.
I hated waking up and texting them. I found no purpose in it. Whoever I was talking to was never a reason for me to wake up in the morning. I would sleep until one - one thirty every day because I had no motivation to wake up and automatically start talking to them. I hated waking up and texting them until she became ‘them’ and suddenly I woke up at ten almost every day I could to talk to her and ask how she slept.
I hated the bland, emotionless conversations I had. They were useless to me. I tried to avoid them as much as possible. I would ignore them to ignore the conversation. I didn’t care who they were and I had no genuine desire to get to know them. I hated the bland, emotionless conversations I had until she became a vibrant yellow love quietly forming and I suddenly wanted to know every ounce of her.
I hated the sappy ‘I love you more’, ‘you’re cuter’ shit. It annoyed me. I didn’t see the purpose in “arguing” with someone about how much you love them. It was stupid to me. I hated the sappy ‘I love you more’, 'you’re cuter’ shit until I could feel soul wanting to burst out of my chest whenever I saw her, thought of her, or anything that had to do with her and I realized how much I physically and mentally loved her.
I guess you could say I hated a lot of things. Love was almost one of them. But she, she taught me how to love. She’s the one who I want to sleep next to every single night of my entire life. She has the hands I want to hold from now until the day I die. She’s the one that calls me baby and she’s the only one I ever want to call me that. She’s the one I stay up late talking to because I love her so fucking much I want every minute of my time to be consumed with her. She’s the one who when I wake up, the first thing I do is text her because she never leaves my mind and I want her to know that. She’s the one I want to know inside and out and she’s the only one I want to know me inside and out. She’s the one who I love the most and who has taught me to accept sappiness, like this writing. She is the one who has taught me to feel love and let it consume me. She is the one and only person I have ever truly been in love with and I always will be.
—  I hated writing about love until I met her (h.k.)