Context: (Same group as the story about six-inch goblin dick, but different story, different submitter.) It’s my first time DMing, an it’s everyone else’s first time playing. The party consists of a Goblin Bard, (Gobbo) Halfling Rogue, (Milo) and a Human Fighter (Knottley). Long story short, the Bard failed to listen to sincere advise from an NPC, failed some critical rolls, and ended up as a Chaotic Evil Lich.
[Sometime halfway through the Lich’s health]
Fighter, OOC: Can I ask him to… not do this?
DM: Yes, you can make a persuasion check. [Pause.] Talking is a free action.
Fighter, OOC: Oh! Then I’ll do it.
Fighter: Little Goblin man, do not do this! We are friends.
DM: Roll persuasion.
Fighter, OOC: … That’s a five. Minus three.
[Laughter from around the table.]
DM: Alright, Gobbo, roll to see if you get a nat 1 against persuasion.
Bard, OOC: Okay. [Rolls a nat 1]
[A good moment of stunned silence, and then laughter from everyone but me.]
DM: No, I love it! I love it! So, Gobbo, this speech, it pulls at your heart strings. You remember, you are not a murderer, you are a scholarly goblin. You went to college-
Bard, OOC: The college of swords!
DM: [sighs] Yes, the college of swords. You remember, that these people are your friends, and you are not a killer. So…
[I wrap up the story line, (entailing the power of flight, as well as beating up the person who sent them on the quest and Gobbo becoming the “court lich”) and after some laughter (once again, everyone but me,)…]
DM: Oh my god. [Fighter’s Player], this is your folk hero destiny! You saved the world from an awful lich!
Fighter, OOC: Oh my god, I did!
DM: With the power of friendship!
Bard, OOC: Because of a nat 1…
DM: Good god, this is a power of friendship story! My worst nightmare!
Context: My halfling bard had been seen using magic by a group that is staunchly anti-magic. He had been put in a cell, and some very significant events occurred.
Dm: You are thrown into the cell. It is padded and the only thing in the room is a toilet. No sink, no bed.
Bard (ooc): Wait I still have all my stuff, right?
Dm: Yes, you do.
Bard (ooc): I’m gonna use my miner’s pick on the toilet.
Dm (chuckling): You get in a few good hits before the scent of vanilla washes over you. Con save. (Fails) You pass out. You awaken some time later, stripped of your possessions and clothes, you are now wearing a straitjacket with markings all over it.
Bard (ooc): can I try to weasel out of it?
Dm: Strength check.
Bard (ooc): Oh I thought I was gonna like, wiggle…whatever. (Rolls strength: 20 with bonuses)
Dm: Jesus…okay, you hulk out, ripping the bindings of the straitjacket.
Bard (ooc): fantastic. How big is the room?
Dm: 10 feet by 10 feet.
Bard (ooc): …fuck it, I’m casting thunderwave as a second level spell. I’m gonna blast open this door.
Dm: OKAY. You cast Thunderwave, the force of which buckles the door significantly, though it does not give way. The force of the thunderwave bounces back off of the walls, roll 9d8 damage. (After bard got the con save, it was halved)
Bard (ooc) (sweating): 40. I take 20 damage. I’M ALIVE! Bloody and naked, but ALIVE!
Dm: yeah well now a parade of guards flood in, holding rods with electric ends.
Bard (ooc): Okay, I’m gonna intimidate the shit out of them before they attack.
Dm: One chance.
Bard: YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKERS, I’M A FACELESS MAN (men in this group allowed to use magic), I COULD KILL YOU ALL! (Rolls intimidation, nat 20)
DM: you are nude, bloody, you just exploded the room, you yelled stuff at them they didn’t understand, and threatened to kill them. They’re pants-shittingly terrified, so they’re going for the kill, now. You rolled too well.
Bard: SON OF A BITCH.
The bard didn’t die. But bard had a bad time, after that he was strung up, suspended in the room, blindfolded, gagged, and still nude. If only he were kinky.
High Noon, Hammers, Giant Plushies and Enchanted Bottles
Context; My party was having a sort-of “Filler Episode” in which we got to go to a festival in the Marketplace of the city. Our party consists of Three Tieflings (a Gunslinger (me), a Bladedancer, and a Barbarian), a Dragonborn (a Bard), an Elf (a Wizard, who was not able to attend that session), and a Druid (a Catfolk).
Me: (OOC) Alright, since I’m the gunslinger here, I’m going first for the balloon game.
DM: Ok, go ahead. What weapons do you have, just your pistol?
Me: (OOC) Nah, I got my pistol and a Rifle.
DM: Ok, roll for that then. You’re not actually shooting with your actual rifle, the guy that works at the stand hands you a very steampunk-y rifle, and when you shoot it it makes a “pffffwt” sound, like air rushing being pumped through a pipe.
[I roll a Nat20, which turns into a 27 because of my +7 bonus for each attack with a firearm)
Me: (OOC) Oh, fuck yes. I Deadeye’d those Balloons!
DM: …. Well, the guy is fucking terrified of you now. You, get every balloon with every shot, not once missing. You literally the max amount of points you could get in this game. Time to choose your prize.
Me: (OOC) Do I get a giant plushie??
DM: Yes you do.
Bladedancer: (OOC) Do they have an Owlbear plushie?
DM: Sure, why not.
Me: What’s an Owlbear? [goes to google images to check it out] Oh my god. I take the giant Owlbear. I love my giant Owlbear.
Skip to a different game. It’s the game where you have to throw a ball into a tower of bottles for a prize.
Me: (OOC) Alright.. Since everyone is failing miserably, let’s hope my golden snitch is still there for this.
[Proceeds to Roll another Nat20]
Me: (OOC) Oh.
DM: [snickers] The throw is absolutely beautiful, you hit the tower perfectly, just so that every bottle falls over…
Me: (OOC) No. Do not.
DM: Except one.
Druid: (OOC) I grab my crossbow and shoot the last bottle.
Stand owner: (voiced by DM) Aw, what a shame. Better luck next tiIIIME!!
DM: He said this as you pull out your crossbow and shoot the bottle. Your escort immediately rushes in, apologizing to the owner of the stand, and swiftly takes you away from the stand to tell you off.
By now our Barbarian is upset he hasn’t got a giant plushie, and goes to a “Slam the Hammer” game where you have to hit a button with a hammer and hit it strong enough to make it hit a bell at the top of a pole.
DM: [starts snickering again] As you approach the game, the man holding the game sees Kali (my Gunslinger) and says “Ah, you! Do you wish to test your strength?”
Kali: No, thank you. But Kavir here would like to. [he steps aside to reveal a 4'9" Tiefling that looks like a child]
DM: Alright, Kavir, just a straight strength check. And, yes, you get advantage because you’re, technically, in a Rage. (we had asked about that before-hand)
Barbarian: (OOC) Sweet. [Rolls a Nat20] …………… YES!
[the entire party briefly loses their shit]
DM: I.. Alright, the man reaches to give you the smaller hammer meant for children, but you just go for the large hammer that is taller than you are. You take that hammer, lift it over to your head, and with an enraged roar you slam it down, making the bell at the top of the pole ring loudly. The man definitely seems stunned, and there is a small applause from the crowd around you. The prizes are many items, including a large pink bunny plush-
Barbarian: (OOC) I take the plushie. I need that plushie.
DM: You take the plushie and, like the hammer, it’s much larger than you are.
Me: (OOC) [still laughing softly] What a great session. Question though, how are we gonna transport these two giant plushies around?
Ahh. A friend of mine mentioned positive posts, and tbh I feel like they should be a thing? There’s already plenty of love in this community, but more can never hurt. I’m a bit awkward when it comes to things like this tho, so. Sorry about that;;;;;
Um. Anyway. Listed below are people who I’ve had the chance to talk to ooc, become friends with, or whom I’ve not really interacted with and simply enjoy watching rp on my dash. I want each and every one of you to know that you’re absolutely amazing, have incredible writing skills & muses, and that I appreciate & love you a lot. ♥（ﾉ´∀`）♥（ﾉ´∀`)
( Unless you bully me in the Discord chat. I’m going to fight you all, so start queuing up now. )