Behind the Medic: A Radical Diagnosis
  • Cranquis, colleagues and staff are standing around the PACS (radiology viewing computer) looking at a foot xray
  • Nurse: I don't see anything.
  • Nurse Practitioner: Oh never say that about an xray in front of the doctors! At least say 'I don't see anything acute or abnormal' -- otherwise they start showing off.
  • Doctor Colleague *showing off*: Well, I see a bi-partite sesamoid bone.
  • Everyone: Ooooh.
  • Cranquis *showing off even harder*: And I see hyperkeratotic enlargement of the ungual plates indicating chronic fungal infection.
  • Everyone: WHAT?!
  • Cranquis: Look, her big toenail has so much onychomycosis that you can see it on the xray.
  • Nurse Practitioner *to the nurse*: Told you. And he's right.
Double, Double Toil and Trouble

“It doesn’t need any more salt.”

“Kiki said the last one was too bland.” Ignoring her sister’s admonition, Cass dumped a heaping tablespoon of salt into the cauldron.

Babs grumped off to consult the cookbook while Cass took a sip from the ladle, mumbling, “Tastes fine to me. Much better than the last one.”

“The last one was defective. He had melanoma. Made it taste funny.” Babs thumbed through the book on her lap, muttering about how too much salt made her ankles swell up so much that her feet looked like mushrooms were growing out of her calves.

With a thump and three bumps, Kiki whisked in, the ado from her broom causing the fire to flash and crackle. “I’m starving. Is he done yet?”

Cass held out the ladle, offering Kiki a taste while tossing Babs a smirk topped with stink eye.

“Mm. Definitely not dull as dishwater this time, Cass. He’s perfect. Let’s eat!” She pulled three bowls out of the cupboard and scooped a heap of man-soup into each.

Black eyes narrowed to tiny gashes, Babs poked her spoon around her bowl. “I only got one finger!”

Kiki raised her hand, a black vapor forming in the pit of her palm, but Cass, ever the peace-weaver, quickly dumped two toes into Babs’ bowl. “There ya go! This guy had onychomycosis. I know how much you like the kick it adds to the soup.”

Cass brought her spoon up to her lips and stuck out her tongue to test the flavor. It tasted like Satan’s exquisite apple, but she would never admit she had been wrong about the salt, so she kept quiet.

Kiki lowered her hand and they consumed their meal in silence, each woman having three bowlfuls each.

Rubbing her now distended belly, Cass smiled with satisfaction at her sisters. “That hit the spot just right. But next time I think we should try the brain bread recipe to go with it.”

LKT © 2015