anonymous asked:

#onlyingotham will a friend get so drunk that when we get saved by Red Robin from getting mugged, she turns to him. She looks him up and down and goes. "Red Robin? Yum." And very suggestively licked her lips and the proceeded to pass out. (I told her not to go to that party, but does she listen? No. No she does not.)

Bat Kid Patrol Shenanigans

From sunset to sunrise is a long time. These patrol shenanigans are bound to happen:

•Chicken fights begin on the roof tops of Gotham. Steph on Tim’s back, Cass on Jason’s, Damian on Dick’s, and Duke on Bab’s. When they’re feeling particularly daring(or bored) they have piggy back races from roof top to roof top. The fun evidently ends with someone nearly falls off a roof.
•Someone buys a cake(most likely Steph or Jason) and all eight bat kids find a spot on a secluded roof to wolf down the mammoth of a chocolate cake. Back at the manor, they nearly pass Alfred’s attentive eye till he catches an icing smear across Stephs gloves. Steph is now on a temporary suspension from the cake eating club.
•Girls vs boys dance competitions. The score gets real tough to judge when Dick and Barbara get real into it. We’re talking epic sprinkler and moon walks. Jason nearly fell off the roof he laughed so hard.
•With what each of the bat kids has been through, it’s rare any of them can scare one another, but that doesn’t persuade them from trying. A jump scare or a deranged mask usually gets a laugh. Each kid has tried new and clever ways to get a scream out of one another. No trick has worked till one night someone(no one has stepped up) scared Damian so bad, you could have heard his scream from across the block. It’s safe to say non of the kids have and will ever let him live that one down.
•It’s not a secret that Bruce keeps a close eye on all the kids durning the night, so it has became a well kept secret amongst the bat kids of how to sneak junk food into patrol. The heist mostly consists of two groups, one to distract Bruce and the other to run into a local convenient store and buy a full bag of sugary sweets. Gummies or anything high in sugar was banned from the Wayne house after Tim and Duke went on a sugar high and sang A Whole New World as they swung through the streets.
•Hand stand contests begin on the edge of rooftops during snack brake. Dick always wins. Tim is the first to go down, usually because Jason or Damian knocks his balance off.
•Speaking of snack brake… The kids regularly drop by Micky D’s by taking a walk through the drive threw, where they always get free food.
•And still speaking of snack brake… Slushies on the clock tower is a regular tradition. The bat kids come together as a collective and walk into the nearest gas station to load up on two slushies each(cause, you know, where does one get the energy to run over roof tops and fight bad guys?). But they were caught and banned by Bruce from all gas stations when the security footage was aired on national news tv.
•Jason found two abandoned water guns on the river bank. He than proceeded to spray every member of the bat family(except Selina) with the putrid river water. It didn’t end well for him when he got Babs in the eye. Let’s just say he’ll be feeling it in his nads for a couple of weeks.
•It’s kinda a known secret that the police HQ roof is a hot spot for “bat family sightings.” An Instagram fan page was made by an
anonymous Gothamite, which started an “unofficial competition” amongst the bat kids of who could be featured the most on the page.
•Steph created a snapchat account called the Night Birds. With her smart phone she followed each member of the bat family around, capturing spotlight moments. Some of these moments were of Jason making sarcastic kissing gestures that were directed at Dick; Damian slipping on a rain slick roof and loudly cussing in Arabic as he lands on his butt; Dick doing a perfect pirouette with Cassie(both in their uniforms on top of the clock tower); Dick, Duke, and Tim singing and jigging out to Beyonce’s Single Ladies that Dick had turned up on full volume on his phone on top the police station(an amused Gordon and an unimpressed Batman stand in the background); and Tim and Jason having an overly dramatic sword fight with two katanas they stole from Damian(the next video is of a Red Hood and a Red Robin laughing hysterically as they run from a raging Robin).

anonymous asked:

#onlyingotham is it basically law that whenever you don't want the goons to be, that's where they'll be. Like, if you wish for the bank not to be robbed on the day you're going there, guess which day the Penguin will chose to rob the bank? Wanna go to a museum, and really don't want to run into trouble? Boom, Mr Freeze is trying to steal some ancient ice artifact. Go to a pet shop to buy a cat to help with depression? All the cats are getting stolen by Catwoman as you enter the shop.#RUKIDDINGME

#onlyingotham

I’ve been reading these suckers for hours now. So here’s some of my own.

#OnlyInGotham does Nightwing steal your plastic birthday crown on your twenty first birthday and proceed to wear it while fighting some muggers. #HeRockedIt #PrincessNightwingToTheRescue  


Robin just screamed “Don’t talk to me or my twelve children again” at Red Robin before ushering twelve tiny kittens away. #OnlyInGotham #CatwomanWouldBeProud 


Jason Todd and Tim Drake just bought a lot of Tide Pods #OnlyInGotham #TidePodChallenge #SaveBruce2K18 


Batfamily must have seen Black Panther recently because Red Hood yelled “Is This Your Robin?” at Batman before shoving Robin off a roof. #OnlyInGotham #IsThisYourKing


Red Hood just crashed through my window and broke my coffee table. He dusted himself off, glanced at the shattered pieces before telling me, “It was ugly anyway” before leaving! #OnlyInGotham #Rude #WhatDoYouKnowAboutStyleYouRedHoodedManiac


Dick Grayson just won the Karma’s a Bitch challenge! He ended up transforming into Nightwing. Good one, Grayson. #OnlyInGotham #NiceTryDick #KarmasABitch


He strikes again! Dick Grayson did another Karma’s a Bitch but did it with a half awake Bruce Wayne turning into the stoic Batman. #OnlyInGotham #SaveBruce2K18 #TheyDon’tEvenLookAlike #KarmasABitch


½ Nightwing sung “What Does the Bat Say?” and all of the Bat Kids in sync went “I am vengeance.” Not even Batman can catch a break from them #OnlyInGotham #WhatDoesTheBatSay #SaveBatman2K18


2/2 In return, Red Robin sung “What Does the Robins say?” and then all the kids shrieked! Are we sure they’re not from Arkham? #OnlyInGotham #SaveBatman2K18 

I’ve been cruising through the #OnlyInGotham tag, so I thought, why not contribute?

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I work at McDonalds and the, what does he call it? The Batplane? Batwing? The plane Batman drives comes by to pick up like, seventeen Happy Meals, and I only see Nightwing and Red Robin inside….. #onlyingotham #Imtellingbatman #theywerepulledoverbythebatmobile

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#onlyingotham does yelling “Nightwings butt is average!” earn you a mob at your door. Robin and Red Hood are leading them, and Red Robin in consoling a crying Nightwing in the corner. #whoops #imsorry #ijustwantedhelpwithmyhomework

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I got tired of vigilantes and rogues breaking my window, so about a month ago I replaced it with two inch thick plexi glass. After Red Hood figured it out, I guess he took it as a challenge to break my window. So now I just spend hours sitting in front of my window and drinking coffee as he throws multiple items at my window. Rogues and other vigilantes are not an uncommon site. Yesterday he threw a cat at my window. I flipped him off and he started banging his head against the wall. #itsquiteamusing #bestentertainment #onlyingotham #hejustthrewJokeratmywindow Update: He threw Red Robin and after faceplanting against my window he sorta just stayed there and stared at my coffee. #getrrhelp

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I just walked past Damian Wayne walking down the street holding catnip with a trail of cats following him. I think he’s going back to the manor…. #onlyingotham #imsorrybruce #savebruce2k18

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Some Metropolis tourist was standing next to me waiting for the bus and bragging all about how amazing Superman is and how their city is soooo much better than ours. Also about how us Gothamites are only cultured if we’re ritch and if we’re ritch we’re snobs. And me, being the small art school student I am who has grown up in Gotham, punched said tourist. Right in the gut. Nightwing high fived me. #onlyingotham

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#onlyingotham do you run into Red Robin at the cafe near your dorm and pass out from shear exhaustion, only to wake up to find his cowl wrapped around your shoulders and enough money to buy another coffee, along with a sticky note that says good luck. #thestrugglesofanartstudent #imkeepingthecowl #itssowarm

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I just watched Dick Grayson fall out of a tree and flip last second onto his feet while yelling “yolo” #onlyingotham #savebruce2k18

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I went to Wayne Manor for a gala only because I was a personally hired photographer, and I didn’t have fancy clothes so I showed up in jeans in a plaid shirt. Tim Drake took one look at me, and dragged me to his room to get me “proper” clothes. As he was doing so he told me that the snobs in that Ballroom would eat me alive if I went in there looking like that. When he was done he patted me on the shoulder and left. #onlyingotham #ithinkiminlove #TimsofficiallymyfavoriteWaynekid

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Things that have happened on National TV part 2

Damian:Accidentally interviewed the Interviewer

Bruce:pretended to cry when someone brought up Jason’s death (this was after Jason killed dozens of people)

Tim:knocked someone out when they startled him

Dick:Had to awkwardly sit there while the rest of his family discussed his butt.

Jason:broke into set and kept doing things like making the lights flicker and weird background noises

Tim:knocked over an expensive vase and shattered it

Damian:laughed so hard he doubled over and cut himself on said vase

Jason:went through an entire interview in a Russian accent, despite Bruce’s protests

Cas:started signing really fast instead of talking and froze mid sentence before cursing.

Dick and Damian:got into a fight over cats vs dogs

Tim:went through an entire interview about Damian without saying his correct name once. I.e. “how do you feel about Damian?” “Sometimes the demon spawn can be nice, but most of the time he’s demon spawn.”

Dick:There was a challenge. It wasn’t his idea to see how many questions he could answer while doing a handstand.

Cas:Did a frontflip and landed on the couch for her first interview

Bruce:has accidentally used a sexual innuendo in front of his entire family

Jason:made an inappropriate joke using Dick’s name.

Dick:said that he wasn’t a“Richard” anymore but “Richer”

Babs(at a police thing about her dad):Someone asked her who the hottest vigilante was. She was so torn.

Babs:”There are reports of a young man climbing up a trellis to your—“

“My friend likes to do that occasionally. I’ll text him saying I’ve had a rough day and he’ll find a way to cheer me up. That’s all. Nothing else.”

“And what’s this friend’s name?”

“Anonymous for his safety”

Dick:complained that Bruce grounded him for sneaking out

Jason:complained that Bruce grounded him for sneaking out

Tim:complained that Bruce grounded him for sneaking out

Damian:complained that Bruce grounded him for sneaking out

Cas:Has never really been grounded

Bruce:was asked about how many children he has. He had to count, and then ask about children who were at the manor so much that they’re practically his kids. He came up with eleven.(Roy, Kon, Jon, Steph, Babs, Wally, Dick, Tim, Damian, and Jason, Duke,Cas)

Steph:Was walking along the sidewalk when a journalist approached her with a picture of her and Tim making out and asked if it was her. Steph slapped him before calling Bruce.

#onlyingotham

Okay, okay, okay, I’ve been reading posts with this tag for the last hour. I feel like I need to contribute… so here’s some #onlyingotham tweets:

I think it’s one of the batfam’s birthdays cause there’s loud chanting from atop my building and confetti is falling from the sky. #onlyingotham

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Apparently the fire escapes on the apartments near the police station are a popular place for the bat kids to watch YouTube on their phones. I’ve been hearing sport fail videos and laughing out my window every night for the last two weeks. #onlyingotham

—————————————

So today during my self defence class, Robin comes barging into the gym and yells, “try those kind of pathetic manoeuvres here in Gotham and you’ll be found dead in an alleyway.” This child then proceeded to show us how to PROPERLY defend against GOTHAM robbers and how to NOT die.
#onlyingotham

————————————–

I was studying late at a cafe for an early morning exam. Red Robin, Spoiler, and Catwoman came in for I guess(??) a coffee brake at two in the morning. Catwoman was lecturing Red Robin and Spoiler about how to properly dry clean blood from clothing…. #onlyingotham

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I was walking home from work and I saw Nightwing swinging on a fire escape and he yelled, “Marco!” Red Hood jumped from another roof and yelled “Polo!” as he swings through the street. God, I love this city :P #lmao #onlyingotham

————————————–

There’s this dinky little bar I go to after work. Today Oswald Cobblepot came strutting on in, payed for everyone’s drinks, and left with a beer. #onlyingotham ??

—————————————

Yesterday I saw this old guy in this huge green vampire cloak arguing with Robin on the street about betraying family duties… #onlyingotham

—————————————

So Superman paid a visit to Gotham. I literally just saw him flying through the streets, carrying a flailing Robin and a whining Super Boy. #onlyingotham

—————————————

Whenever I have a bad day I go to the roof of my apartment building and watch the sun set. Last night, Nightwing saw me and joined me on the ledge after he thought I was going to jump. I’m totally fine, don’t worry guys :P. Apparently he loves watching cartoons. His favourite character is Zuko from Avatar because he reminds him of his younger brother. #onlyingotham

—————————————

I think Red Hood must be grounded or something cause while I was buying a chocolate bar from my local 7/11… Batman is standing outside the foggy glass windows, arms crossed, and tracking every move Red Hood makes in the store. #onlyingotham

—————————————

I think I just saw one of the bat kids almost die(can they even die??)… that Robin kid, who fell from above, is laying on the pavement and rubbing his arm as this guy in blue and black tights stands beside him, lecturing some kid with a long stick on the roof who’s yelling, “He spiked my coffee with salt!!” Then the blue and black one is yelling, “he’s trying to prevent you from overdosing on caffeine. You need help!” Then the stick one, “Bullshit! You defend him on anything!” “Red Robin, you had a mini heart attack the other day.” Then the Red Robin kid just flicked them the bird and now he’s stomping down the roof… what did I just witness? I’m just a guy from Metropolis, is this a daily occurrence here? #onlyingotham

@guyfrommetropolis yah, if your give the one with the staff(Red Robin) a coffee he’ll buy you cookies and love you forever :P

  • Thug: Red Hood is the most horrifying vigilante because he kills, but it's almost a law that he won't kill if Nightwing's around. So it should be good for us to have Blue nearby.
  • Thug: But it's already proved that once Nightwing shows up, they flirt.
  • Thug: And it's traumatizing.
  • Thug: After witnessing a couple of time, I feel dead inside.
  • Thug: So it's actually hard to tell if it's good or bad to have Blue nearby.

So imagine Bruce Wayne having an interview after announcing the fact that he has a biological son.

The interviewer would want the whole family to be there for her fluff piece.

Bruce is talking about how it’s such a pleasant surprise for him, but his mother would like to remain anonymous so that she wouldn’t have to deal with press.

Dick would say something like,”He’s a very lively child and doesn’t hesitate to say whatever’s on his mind. He’s also really clever and smart.”

Cas would just refuse to answer any questions and sort of just awkwardly sit there

But Tim would say,”Oh, yeah, he’s a little gremlin and a ball of sharp rage.”

And Damian, who was sitting casually would straighten up and look up to Bruce and say,”Where’s my katana?”

“Damian, no katanas at interviews.”

“But I need to kill Tim.”

“Not on national television.”

“But FATHER!”

“I won’t hesitate to take away your katana for a month.”

Damian gasps,”You wouldn’t.”

And the interviewer would clear her throat,”So you have a fondness for katanas?”

Bruce answers the question for him,”His mother is into the martial arts. I was not aware of this until he liberated my garden of its trees.”

“And Grandfather! Really, everyone I grew up around always had a weapon on them.”

“Why do you always say,’father’? Why not Dad or Bruce?”

Damian shrugged,”It was what I was taught to do.”

And Gotham goes nuts about it and it becomes a new meme.

“I failed the Algebra test. This is all Damian’s mom’s fault.”

“Damian’s mom made me do it!”

“DAMIAN’S UNHOLY MOTHER HOW DID YOU DO THAT?”

anonymous asked:

@mobster complaining about fashion: honestly, I think it's just the Gotham vibe to be practical and classy for one's line of work. I mean, I'm a mechanic, and a Gothamite born and raised. Most of my work clothes are covered in some other form of engine fluid. Several of my trousers are torn due to catching them on sharp edges. Went to a workshop in Metropolis, was still the best dressed attendee, and I carried twice the number of tools as everyone else. Tl:dr, it's not just you who's noticed.

#OnlyInGotham part 2

———————

I was just saved by Red Hood, and his helmet was damaged. After we got to safety, the top of an apartment complex, he had to take it off. And boy, was My gay ass not ready for that. After seeing his face, my mind went on complete autopilot. I yelled a pickup line, winked at him, and may have used finger guns….. no, I definitely used fingerguns. #OnlyInGotham #AndTheEmbarassmentSetsIn

———————

I just witnessed the small Robin stare down Superman before chucking a piece of what I believe was kryptonite at him and yelling, “Get out of my fathers city!” #OnlyInGotham #TheTrueSonOfBatman #kidhasguts #SuckItMetroplois! #Oursmallbirdisbetterthanyourblueboyscout!

———————

I’m in a Walmart parking lot, it’s four am, and there’s a pickup truck driving around the almost empty lot. This would be normal, if not for the fact that fucking Arsenal is driving and Red Hood is standing in the trunk, flying a kite. I stg these people. #OnlyInGotham #WhyAWalmart?! #Why4am?! #OhShitIveBeenSpotted!!

———————

#OnlyInGotham does the young business protege and adopted son of the CEO of a billion dollar company walk into a Red Robin and scream, “MY PEOPLE! I AM YOUR KING!” #TimDrakeNeedsHelp #andcoffee #andsleep #poorbruce #savebruce2k18

———————

The only reason I attend Wayne Enterprises opening ceremonies still, is because of the Wayne Kids. The last one I went to, as soon as Bruce cut the ribbon to open the building, about five gallons of neon pink paint poured down onto Damian Wayne. Next thing I know, a smirking Tim Drake is standing next to a small, neon pink blob monster. #OnlyInGotham #DamianattackedTimsecondsafter #WayneKids #SaveBruce2k18

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#OnlyInGotham do schools not shut down for, “common criminal accidents”, anymore. #You’reacommonrobber? #PshSoWhat? #YouretheRiddler? #FuckJoCloseTheSchools!

———————

Uh…. I just saw Catwoman have a conversation with what appeared to be an army of stray cats. #OnlyInGotham #Batmanyoumightwanttoseethis Update: And the cats just helped her rob a jewelry store. Well that’s new, not unexpected, but new.

———————

@TheRealBatman, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do whatever I did! Just please stop sending Nightwing over! He keeps eating all my cereal! #OnlyInGotham #BatsImSorry #SomeoneHelpMe #He’sAGrownManchild!

———————

Headcanons

•I was reading a post about how a lot of animal’s last resort is “consult the local biped apex predator and maybe they’ll help” And I feel like that’s what happens in Gotham

•Like sure the villains are terrifying but when you’re cornered in an alley by some random thief with a knife who’s gonna stab you for the three dollars you’ve got in your wallet and a tell tale flash of green catches your eye then you might as well improve your chances of getting out of this alive by yelling something like “Hey Mr. Riddler man this guy says you’re not the smartest dude in Gotham”

•And maybe just maybe he’ll stop and while he’s chewing the guy out you’ll be able to slip away or maybe you’ll know the answer to the riddle he asks you and you can walk away to see another sunrise

•Because Batman is great and Batman is good but Batman is not gonna always be around to save you because you are not a wealthy socialite or a politican or a police commissioner and sometimes you know the snake is there but you step anyway and pray that that snake had a really nice day

•And you’re not one to play with fire but you do live in Gotham so it’s kind of a given that you’re a gambler (because isn’t living there a gamble in itself?) And sure there’s a 50% chance that he’s gonna murder you and a 50% chance he’ll help but having your life be balanced on a coin toss seems better than knowing your 100% going to die

•Maybe it’s ridiculous but man isn’t this entire city ridiculous? You’ve got a guy who’s thing is calenders. Calenders!!! So dang why not just test your luck when you’re in a tight spot because sometimes you spin the magic wheel and you get shot in the kneecap and sometimes you spin and there you go one “get out of jail free card” for you

•And you know they’re messed up but you also know they’re human sometimes and maybe just maybe you can wake that long dead conscience for the half of a second you need to get out of there alive

#OnlyinGotham

So me and my (ex)boyfriend were arguing outside (it’s suuuper late btw) and mid-argument Nightwing comes out and starts to defend my case against my boyfriend. My ex had accused me of cheating, I didn’t, but he didn’t believe me :’( in the end my ex ended up leaving MY apartment and Nightwing decided to chill/comfort me while watching re-runs of The Golden Girls! Nightwing - “You don’t need him anyway sis.” #OnlyinGotham #ThanksNightwing<3 


Three months ago I wasn’t in a good place, and most nights I went to the bar and got drunk. One night I stepped out for some air but instead ended up throwing up on the pavement. Next thing I know Spoiler is next to me holding my hair up and patting my back! Long story short, me and Spoiler meet up every three months to talk about how I’m doing and what’s new :) #OnlyinGotham #Spoilerisadorablelol #shetellsmeRedRobinissuperhotunderthemask


Me and my friend (she’s from Metropolis) was talking about the Wayne family and she started comparing them to the Kardashians. I said they are NOTHING like the Kardashians but apparently to her, Bruce is Kris, Dick is Kim, Jason is Khloe, Tim is Kourtney and Damian is Kylie. So I tweeted out the exact comparison she gave to me on to twitter and tell me why the Jason Todd responded back saying “No I’m the Kim of the family, tell your friend I’m the one who runs this bitch.” #onlyingotham #whathaveidone #Jasonimsosorrymyfriendisanunculturedswine #shesfromMetropolisshedoesntknowanybetter 


Me and my friends are apart of this little rock band and sometimes we play on the roof. Tell me why one day, while we were practicing, Red Hood came up to give us a listen. He stayed three hours to give us advice on our music so we could improve! #gostreamus #OnlyinGotham #RedHoodknowshowtoplaythebass #hekeptgivingmybassplayeradvice #shook


My brother just told me this story about how he was at a party and some lady called the cops to get them to stop the noise. He said once the cops arrived one of the cops knew one of the other kids at the party so 10-15 minutes later the cops started partying with the kids. THAT’S NOT ALL- next thing you know Red Hood was there (in the area I guess???) and everyone freezes, even the cops. Everyone is terrified because…um it’s Red Hood like hello? Next thing you know Red Hood is now throwing darts and drinking Vodka with a bunch of cops and college students and if I don’t have this experience in college I don’t want to go. #onlyingotham #redhoodknowshowtodrink #Nightwingcamelateronandhadtodraghimoutthepartyapparently #mybrothergotanautographfromdrunkredhood 

Things I’ve Heard The Waynes (and co.) Say

Bruce (over the phone): No, Damian, just - [sighs] - yes, I understand that he touched your cat without permission, but that doesn’t mean you can strangle him -


Tim: I only got, like, three hours of sleep last night.
Conner: Tim, that’s really not healthy -
Tim: I was just too busy to sleep, you know? I reordered everything I own according to color, then I learnt the Russian alphabet -
Conner: Tim.
Tim: - and then I started learning Russian, too, because I’d already learnt the alphabet, but I had this sudden idea for this incredible book, so I had to start writing it immediately - 
Conner: Tim.


Bruce: Hey, Tim, can you stay out of trouble for a bit? I have to quickly head out.
Tim: I guess - what’s up?
Bruce (sighs, rubs his temples): Damian tried to insult a school teacher but picked the one who also speaks Arabic.


Damian (to an office worker who accidentally stepped in his way): Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you.
Tim: I didn’t know you knew that meme.
Damian: What’s a meme?


Bruce: Who ate the last donut?
Dick (muffled voice, powdered sugar all over his face): Not me


Dick: Tim, when was the last time you got a full night’s sleep?
Tim (starting to back away): Well, uh, the thing is I have a lot of stuff to do in my life, and, well -
Dick: Tim, you aren’t answering the question.
Tim (backing away faster): No, but I’ve got it all worked out, see, and I know how much sleep I should be getting, and I have this sleep schedule worked out for when I need to sleep -
Dick: Tim, answer the question.
Tim: [turns and runs]


Cass: Have you seen Damian?
Tim: Uh, no, but I don’t, like, keep track of him or anything. Why?
Cass: He ate the last piece of pizza this morning, so I have to kill him.
Damian (muffled, from somewhere nearby): That was my pizza, Cain!