Alright, gather around kiddies, time for #onlyingotham story time.

This is a story from back when the first Robin started out, fifteen-ish years ago (god I’m old). Of course, we don’t actually know when he began, but this was not too long after people started actually believing that the Bat was trailing a small colourful child behind him and we weren’t just having a very vivid Joker hallucination. Anyway.

One night I’m looking out my window and I spy Batman half-hidden in the shadows talking to a homeless lady. There are a dozen kids and teenagers on the street, a couple look like they belong to the homeless lady, the others are coming and going (drug runners I guess? This was a bad neighbourhood). Back then Batman was still half a myth so I’m ridiculously excited, especially since I can see Robin standing next to him, and glimpses of him were near legend. (He was so cute and tiny by the way!) I guess Bats was taking too long because baby Robin looked really bored, up until the point he suddenly screamed “THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!” and dead-stop flipped six feet into the air to perch onto a streetlight.

And every. single. kid. on that street dropped what they were holding and leapt for the nearest window/car/fire-hydrant/grown-up. It was the purest thing I had ever seen.

But the best part? Batman. BATMAN. Actually sprang up on the ledge of the window beside him. Like he played this all the time with his kid and forgot he was wearing the cowl.

Flash-forward to tonight, where an hour ago I just heard Nightwing scream “THE FLOOR IS LAVA!” and every single member of the Batfam just jumped onto something or someone as they fought on the roof across the street. Red Hood slammed the thug he was fighting to the ground and sat on his shoulders. The newest, tiniest Robin legit launched himself at Bats and clung to his cape like a baby koala. #Nostalgia

I really want an #onlyingotham comic that is lighthearted and from the perspective of the Gotham citizens.

-Gotham civilians who help cover for Harley Quinn when the Joker is about.

-Old as shit civilians that don’t take these young villains and heroes seriously.

-Gothamites visiting other cities and not taking the villains there seriously.

-Civilians shouting things from rooftops and getting a reply back from one of the batkids.

-Civilians catching the Rogues doing stupid shit.

-Rogues secretly doing nice things because they understand that life is a fucking nightmare.

Make DC comics less edgy again!

#onlyinGotham will you be grabbed by Bats and pulled up onto a roof for singing “Ballons” by Mandopony while walking home at night. He thought I was a new villain??I just like creepy lullabies?? (studying went late, okay? I sing to self calm!)

Edit: just got back from the hospital, after a ten hour emergency wait. Turns out Bats did dislocate my shoulder! Now how am I supposed to work? thanks alot Bats :(

Edit Edit: woke up to a note from Bats on my kitchen table and a bunch of emails. ??I now have a massive Wayne enterprises scholarship??? and was given 20 thou on my paypal??? also someone filled out paperwork and i now have 2 months off work while my shoulder heals???

Edit Edit Edit: the note said “Take some time off. ” It  was signed “Batman”.

Edit Edit Edit Edit: I just recived a “Get Well Soon” card in the mail signed by all the robins???

#stillmovingbacktoCanadaonceIfinishmydegree #imissjustworryingaboutrougethunderbirdsandwendigos #imisssunandnon-horror-movietrees

So turns out I’m a physical medium. What’s that mean? Ghosts and shit are attracted to me and want to use me for a variety of stuff. What does that mean for me in Gotham? That every clown-faced goon, little kid, criminal, innocent, and every person to ever die in Gotham City comes to me for help. So I don’t really sleep and the other night I was walking down crime alley (don’t ask why it just happened) and I saw these ghosts, this man and woman and they were standing there staring up at a building nearby and I ask them if they need my assistance. They smiled at me and shook their heads
“We’re just waiting for our son to visit like he does every year, then we’ll be on our way again.”
Bizarre for a multitude of reasons, but we continued speaking and they told me they were Tom and M. Once again weird, but they said their son wouldn’t want anyone to figure everything out. This was getting strange even by my standards, but the strangest thing had to be when Batman came swooping down from a roof holding me at bat-a-rang point and asking me what the hell I was doing there.
The male ghost told me to say that Alfie must have raised you with better manners than that, and I kinda figured what have I got to lose, so I repeated it. Batman looked like I had slapped him and his dog across the face. The female then told me to tell him that his parents love him very much, would appreciate it if he would be more careful with himself, and not to stress Alfie out too much as he is much older now. Once again I did as I was told because this kinda my schtick. Batman took a bouquet of flowers from behind his cape and laid them next to the lamppost where the two ghosts were standing and they then vanished.
“How did you know all of that?” he questioned me as he walked me home.
“Tom and M told me, they wouldn’t give me full names or last names because they said it could lead to your identity, but they’re proud of you and all that you’ve done to honor them, they just wish it wasn’t preventing you from living the life they always wanted you too,” at that point we had reached my place and as I entered my apartment Batman took my shoulder and turned me to face him. He hugged me tight and whispered thanks to me then took off into the night. #OnlyinGotham #PsychicStuff #MediumLifeStuff #StillOneOfTheHappierCases #GhostsUsuallySuck #They'reUsuallyReallyCrypticForNoReasons #AtLeastTheseTwoHadReasons

I’ve been cruising through the #OnlyInGotham tag, so I thought, why not contribute?

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I work at McDonalds and the, what does he call it? The Batplane? Batwing? The plane Batman drives comes by to pick up like, seventeen Happy Meals, and I only see Nightwing and Red Robin inside….. #onlyingotham #Imtellingbatman #theywerepulledoverbythebatmobile

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#onlyingotham does yelling “Nightwings butt is average!” earn you a mob at your door. Robin and Red Hood are leading them, and Red Robin in consoling a crying Nightwing in the corner. #whoops #imsorry #ijustwantedhelpwithmyhomework

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I got tired of vigilantes and rogues breaking my window, so about a month ago I replaced it with two inch thick plexi glass. After Red Hood figured it out, I guess he took it as a challenge to break my window. So now I just spend hours sitting in front of my window and drinking coffee as he throws multiple items at my window. Rogues and other vigilantes are not an uncommon site. Yesterday he threw a cat at my window. I flipped him off and he started banging his head against the wall. #itsquiteamusing #bestentertainment #onlyingotham #hejustthrewJokeratmywindow Update: He threw Red Robin and after faceplanting against my window he sorta just stayed there and stared at my coffee. #getrrhelp

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I just walked past Damian Wayne walking down the street holding catnip with a trail of cats following him. I think he’s going back to the manor…. #onlyingotham #imsorrybruce #savebruce2k18

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Some Metropolis tourist was standing next to me waiting for the bus and bragging all about how amazing Superman is and how their city is soooo much better than ours. Also about how us Gothamites are only cultured if we’re ritch and if we’re ritch we’re snobs. And me, being the small art school student I am who has grown up in Gotham, punched said tourist. Right in the gut. Nightwing high fived me. #onlyingotham

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#onlyingotham do you run into Red Robin at the cafe near your dorm and pass out from shear exhaustion, only to wake up to find his cowl wrapped around your shoulders and enough money to buy another coffee, along with a sticky note that says good luck. #thestrugglesofanartstudent #imkeepingthecowl #itssowarm

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I just watched Dick Grayson fall out of a tree and flip last second onto his feet while yelling “yolo” #onlyingotham #savebruce2k18

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I went to Wayne Manor for a gala only because I was a personally hired photographer, and I didn’t have fancy clothes so I showed up in jeans in a plaid shirt. Tim Drake took one look at me, and dragged me to his room to get me “proper” clothes. As he was doing so he told me that the snobs in that Ballroom would eat me alive if I went in there looking like that. When he was done he patted me on the shoulder and left. #onlyingotham #ithinkiminlove #TimsofficiallymyfavoriteWaynekid

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#OnlyinGotham part 2

Jason Todd yelled, “Yo, Dildo!” in a crowded supermarket and from aisle five, Dick Grayson shouted, “That’s not my name, Jason!” #OnlyinGotham


All the Bat Kids have yelled “Yeet!” at least once when throwing a batarang #OnlyinGotham


Apparently, the Wayne Kids keep a “days since last kidnapping” sign and it’s never reached double digits #OnlyinGotham  


The Wayne Kids are also highly competitive about which one has been kidnapped the most. Just watched a forty minute shouting match about it and from my stand point, there was no clear winner. #OnlyinGotham #IsThatEvenAVictory #WhoDoesThat


Damian Wayne is actively trying to get kidnapped now because he’s in last place. #OnlyinGotham #SaveBruce2K18


Red Hood kept singing, “These expensive, these is red bottom, these is bloody shoes,” as he shot up a gang war. #OnlyinGotham #ThatsNotWhatTheSongMeansRedHood 


Someone asked Barbara Gordon what she was listening to in a crowded Starbucks and she responded, “the police scanners.” #OnlyinGotham #HopeSheWasJoking


Whenever the Wayne Kids pull shenanigans in public, Duke always looks at the closest security camera or person snapchatting it like he’s on The Office. #OnlyinGotham #SaveDuke2K18


A dead-on-his-feet Red Robin came into the convenience store at three a.m. and asked me if there was a way to inject caffeine directly into his veins like heroin #OnlyinGotham #ProtectRedRobin2K18


I just watched Damian Wayne dare Dick Grayson to kick down a door and Dick kicked too high and hyperextended his knee #OnlyinGotham


The Wayne Boys are banned from Tinder. Not because they’ve said anything bad, but because they kept trying to outdo each other in profile pictures and bios. They got banned when Jason took a picture with his own headstone and the caption was #ThursdayAesthetic. #OnlyinGotham #SameJason


Part 1

anonymous asked:

I pretty sure the batfam isn't human. Nightwing's body doesn't seem to follow the laws of physics, Red Robin survives on spite and coffee, Robin has been called Demon Spawn multiple times by multiple people, and I just heard Red Hood call himself a zombie.

#OnlyInGotham part 2

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I was just saved by Red Hood, and his helmet was damaged. After we got to safety, the top of an apartment complex, he had to take it off. And boy, was My gay ass not ready for that. After seeing his face, my mind went on complete autopilot. I yelled a pickup line, winked at him, and may have used finger guns….. no, I definitely used fingerguns. #OnlyInGotham #AndTheEmbarassmentSetsIn

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I just witnessed the small Robin stare down Superman before chucking a piece of what I believe was kryptonite at him and yelling, “Get out of my fathers city!” #OnlyInGotham #TheTrueSonOfBatman #kidhasguts #SuckItMetroplois! #Oursmallbirdisbetterthanyourblueboyscout!

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I’m in a Walmart parking lot, it’s four am, and there’s a pickup truck driving around the almost empty lot. This would be normal, if not for the fact that fucking Arsenal is driving and Red Hood is standing in the trunk, flying a kite. I stg these people. #OnlyInGotham #WhyAWalmart?! #Why4am?! #OhShitIveBeenSpotted!!

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#OnlyInGotham does the young business protege and adopted son of the CEO of a billion dollar company walk into a Red Robin and scream, “MY PEOPLE! I AM YOUR KING!” #TimDrakeNeedsHelp #andcoffee #andsleep #poorbruce #savebruce2k18

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The only reason I attend Wayne Enterprises opening ceremonies still, is because of the Wayne Kids. The last one I went to, as soon as Bruce cut the ribbon to open the building, about five gallons of neon pink paint poured down onto Damian Wayne. Next thing I know, a smirking Tim Drake is standing next to a small, neon pink blob monster. #OnlyInGotham #DamianattackedTimsecondsafter #WayneKids #SaveBruce2k18

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#OnlyInGotham do schools not shut down for, “common criminal accidents”, anymore. #You’reacommonrobber? #PshSoWhat? #YouretheRiddler? #FuckJoCloseTheSchools!

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Uh…. I just saw Catwoman have a conversation with what appeared to be an army of stray cats. #OnlyInGotham #Batmanyoumightwanttoseethis Update: And the cats just helped her rob a jewelry store. Well that’s new, not unexpected, but new.

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@TheRealBatman, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to do whatever I did! Just please stop sending Nightwing over! He keeps eating all my cereal! #OnlyInGotham #BatsImSorry #SomeoneHelpMe #He’sAGrownManchild!

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  • Thug: Red Hood is the most horrifying vigilante because he kills, but it's almost a law that he won't kill if Nightwing's around. So it should be good for us to have Blue nearby.
  • Thug: But it's already proved that once Nightwing shows up, they flirt.
  • Thug: And it's traumatizing.
  • Thug: After witnessing a couple of time, I feel dead inside.
  • Thug: So it's actually hard to tell if it's good or bad to have Blue nearby.

anonymous asked:

Red Hood just pushed Red Robin off the roof of my apartment building and all I could hear was a bang and a long pause followed by RR shouting ‘This is why dad doesn’t fucking love you!’ I think he landed in the dumpster. #havethebatkidsmetthewaynes #causeifeelliketheydgeton #onlyingotham

#onlyingotham Part 2

“Got ham” is spray-painted on to many dumpsters and walls in this city. Seriously Gotham? Is this really the pop culture slogan we want to be know for? #onlyingotham

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If you want good entertainment in Gotham, you have two choices. One, turn on the tv and laugh your ass off at the regular public fails of Bruce Wayne’s children. And two, stand in a back alley and wait for one of them costume kids to save you. Trust me, it’s a real adrenaline rush. #onlyingotham

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In the rest of America, Zack Effron’s butt is the one to marvel in. In Gotham, Bruce Wayne’s eldest son, Dick Grayson, is the butt that is to rival all butts. #onlyingotham

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I was walking home late from work and I saw Nightwing piggy backing on batgirl as they swung through the streets. He was singing Amazing Grace for whatever reason. Lol I love this city. #onlyingotham

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So apparently Red Robin and Red Hood are on a review tour. They’ve been dropping by 7/11’s for the past month, trying a variety of slurpie flavours, and then leaving a review for the establishment. Last night I went to my local 7/11, they were there, batman intervened, took the six x-large cups they’d filled and sent them HOME. I think the store owner shat his pants… #onlyingotham

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So there’s this drug seminar that all thirteen year olds have to go to in Gotham. Bruce Wayne himself came to give a speech about having good street smarts and saying no to drugs. Honestly, the best part of the speech was his two sons, Damian and Tim I think, standing behind him making exaggerated gestures and actions for each word their father said. #onlyingotham

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You know you’re from Gotham when you’re mother threatens you with “You’ll end up being punched in the nose by Batman if you keep on this road.” #onlyingotham

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Legitimate things I’ve heard out my window at night: “twerk, twerk, twerk” “did you just give your punch a sound effect?” “I’ve had five drinks to night, I can’t handle this shit” “why couldn’t I have been born in some simple place… like Maine? Yah. Maine.” “Is that lasuagna on your chest?” “You accidentally had sex with her! Pa! What kinda excuse is that!” “Did you piss your pants? (It’s been a long night!)” “Robin! Don’t you dare punch a man in the dick when he’s running on no hours of sleep! Do you have no manners?” “Bow chicka wow wow I’m smoking!” “Oh FUCK I just about died.” I could continued… 😩😅 #onlyingotham

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I saw the batkids at the park durn my nightly run. All to many of them were playing this massive game of Ninja…. which turned into a massive brawl when the Robin kid friggin round house kicked the Red Robin guy. #onlyingotham

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So Jason and Tim Wayne happened to be at my cafe this morning. They ordered five boxes of cinnamon rolls, all while intensely discussing how to bypass the “watchful eye” to get to the donuts stashed in the pantry. “I didn’t even go into the kitchen and he knew I was thinking about it! How does he know Tim!“<-fav line😂 #onlyingotham

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I really feel for Cassandra Wayne. I could see the pure #doneaf on her face as she vacated the building her brothers accidentally set the fire alarms off inside. Dripping wet and ready to pummel some deserving noses. #onlyingotham

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Today I got to witness a verbal fight between the batboys. There was Batman standing stoically above them on this gargoyle as the four of them throw out the lamest comebacks ever heard. One literally said this, “well he didn’t put the toilet seat down so how could it be my fault his tooth brush fell in!” The other comes back with, “and my tooth brush was in my room!” The first one says, “why the hell is your tooth brush in your room!” Three go up in laughter at the helmet one, who then throws ups his hands and says, “right on, blame the victim, the victim is always blamed.” Is the seriously the people supposedly protecting are city? #onlyingotham

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Red Hood was here was pianted on the Westward bridge. This morning, Red Hood was seen scrubbing the paint off. #lmao #onlyingotham

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Robin and Nightwing frequently visit my diner late at night, and I just have to say it’s the cutest thing ever. They’ve got scratches and blood on them, but they some how seem so innocent while eating chicken nuggets and apple pie. #onlyingotham

#onlyingotham Part 1 [here]