Craig Tucker was not religious in any sense of the term, but money was money, and Eric Cartman was convincing. Becoming a cheesy sideshow of a falsified church was not his idea of a good time, but a wild encounter he’d never have expected might turn that around.
Hey guys so uhhh I definitely wrote this. Imp Tweek x Youth Pastor Craig has kind of exploded and I wanted to join in on the fun but since drawing isn’t really my thing, I figured writing would have to do. I actually like this one despite it being cracky so hopefully you guys do too! Link to AO3 here! Here’s some uhh, yeah. Some of this. Special thanks to Phone Destroyer for gifting us these ridiculous AUs.
Note: alternatively titled ‘The Gayte To Hell.’ I loved myself too much to actually go through with it, sorry.
Performing fake exorcisms and reading off the same script twice a week in a rotation of four major themes was not how Craig expected his adolescence to go. Surely, he thought, there would be one or two summer flings which would end in melodramatic heartbreak, and a few obsessions to cycle through in ridiculous phases he’d insist were not phases. Yet here he was, stuck in the sweltering heat of a church’s atrium, fanning himself with a promotional pamphlet and doodling in his notebook that was supposed to be filled with notes. It wasn’t; it was filled with more doodles.
“And Butters, I want to hear those bells next time, got it? The bells are important. Everyone loves the bells!”
“U-uh, yes Eric, sir,” Butters stuttered, and Craig huffed as he rolled his eyes. He could have been getting drunk at Clyde’s right now. He could have been stuffed in a closet with someone hot right now. He could have been losing his virginity right now. Those were fantasies, though, and right now, Craig liked money, and he liked cheating people out of said money. Cartman’s undeniably for-profit church fit that bill, and so here he stayed, seventeen and devoted to a God he did not believe in.
God created you to help others. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.
The Bible says, “He saved us and called us to be his own people, not because of what we have done, but because of his own purpose” (2 Timothy 1:9a TEV).
Peter adds, “You were chosen to tell about the excellent qualities of God, who called you” (1 Peter 2:9b GW).
Growing up, you may have thought that being called by God was something only missionaries, pastors, nuns, and other full-time church workers experienced, but the Bible says every Christian is called to service.
When you use your God-given abilities to help others, you are fulfilling your calling. The Bible says, “Now you belong to him who was raised from death in order that we might be useful in the service of God” (Romans 7:4b TEV).
When I was first starting out as a theater musician, I worked at this church in New Jersey that had been converted to a playhouse sometime in the 1960s. The church was built just before the turn of the century sometime, and there were a few old pictures of the congregation here and there.
I was the music director, and it was my job to open the building before rehearsals, turn on the lights, and get set up before any of the actors arrived. I would also be required to turn off the lights and lock up after everyone left. This work was done completely alone.
Often, while turning the lights on/off, I would hear footsteps and bits of conversations from other parts of the theater. (The lights could only be turned on through the lighting booth, which you had to climb a ladder in the dark to get to.) After months of this kind of stuff happening, I got used to it and wasn’t really frightened. Nothing about these presences felt malicious and they never got in the way of my work.
After the show opened, I was standing next to the executive director of the playhouse while the guests exited the theater after the performance. A woman walks up to him and says only, “The pastor here likes what you’re doing. He loves the music.” It was pretty freaky.
On closing night, I stayed late to pack up my music equipment with the guitarist and we were talking about how we wanted to be musicians from now on and that this was a good first step, etc. when suddenly both of us notice someone listening to our conversation on my right. We look at her, a woman about 40 or 50, wearing a bonnet and an old-timey dress, and she looks back, as if we were having the most interesting conversation ever. We freeze because we both know she is not actually there and when we look back at each other, the woman disappears.
It was to this day the only time I had actually seen an apparition.
Fuck Yeah Moderator Gracie: 5/10 I really like the part with the lady talking about the pastor loving the music. The lady in bonnet was cool also. Thanks for the chills and scares!
hey guys, I just want to say that I am really sorry that my religion is so vehemently homophobic. as someone who is queer and part of it, it sickens even me how awful some people can be
I made a post critiquing people at my church for not standing up against homophobic rhetoric which has surfaced as a result of the campaign process for our upcoming vote on the legalisation of same-sex marriage. there’s a lot of platitudes floating around on the “hating the sin but not the sinner” line, and I wanted to see how many people would indeed practice what they preach, and actually stand up against it. literally only my pastor condemned it outright (and thank God that he did). everyone else has been absolutely resistant, either reluctantly admitting that homophobic rhetoric is inappropriate or continuing to fight me by citing examples of queer people ratting out the church or something. like sorry, but did jesus say ‘when people sin against you, deprive them of human rights’ or ‘turn the other cheek’? christians’ absolute refusal to profess any love/acceptance of queer people without prefacing it with a Clear Declaration of Resistance Against Gay Ideology or making them into some sort of exceptional case of “”“sinfulness””” is the exact reason why people hate the church and why they are resistant to religion
James Potter’s laughter rings out across the aisle of the
small church, and Lily can’t help smiling privately to herself at the sound.
When she’d first met him she’d thought his near constant bantering a reflection
of an inability to be serious, and his brash sense of humor had annoyed more
than entertained her. However, as they’d been thrown together more than usual
over the last year, she’d come to find that he was quick to laugh simply
because he was easily amused—most often by his own terrible jokes, to be
sure—and that there was indeed something infectious about his glee.
Even in the church as Christians we think if only I was a better person, if only I was a pastor, a leader, or a worship leader, or if I had talent, or gifts, or ability then maybe God would accept me but that’s the opposite. God says no, doesn’t matter who you are because of that, we don’t have to elevate ourselves to find God. We find God at a position of surrender.
what is a luke warm christian? the bible never really specifies
There is only one reference in the Bible to a ‘lukewarm’ Christian and that is Revelation 3:15-16 which say;“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold not hot. I wish you were either one of the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth". These words are written to a church in Laodicea and they certainly sting. That God would prefer a cold Christianity than the sort he finds here would have sent shockwaves. The Christianity that seems to have plagued Laodicea is what we call ‘lukewarm’. Lukewarm Christianity is one that has lost its sense of being zealous. Paul actually tells us in Romans something similar, ‘never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervour, serving the Lord’. Even though Laodicea are lukewarm at this time Jesus says that he still loves them that is why he rebukes them and gives them counsel to turn away from their lukewarm lifestyle. If Laodicea has a chance then comfortable Christians also do but they need to listen to the persuasive counsel of God. He is the one who has come to them and he stands and he knocks and he calls to them to listen.
According to Francis Chan these are the 18 signs of a lukewarm Christian:
1. Lukewarm people attend church fairly regularly. It is what is expected of them, what they believe “good Christians” do, so they go. Isaiah 29:13
2. Lukewarm people give money to charity and to the church as long as it doesn’t impinge on their standard of living. If they have a little extra and it is easy and safe to give, they do so, After all, God loves a cheerful giver, right? 1 Chronicles 21:24, Luke 21:1-4
3. Lukewarm people tend to choose what is popular over what is right when they are in conflict. They desire to fit in both at church and outside of church; they care more about what people think of their actions (like church attendance and giving) than what God thinks of their hearts and lives. Luke 6:26, Revelation 3:1, Matthew 23:5-7 4.
4: Lukewarm people don’t really want to be saved from their sin; they want only to be saved from the penalty of their sin. They don’t genuinely hate sin and aren’t truly sorry for it; they’re merely sorry because God is going to punish them. Lukewarm people don’t really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one. John 10:10, Romans 6:1-2.
5. Lukewarm people are moved by stories of people who do radical things for Christ, yet they do not act. They assume such action is for “extreme” Christians, not average ones. Lukewarm people call “radical” what Jesus expected of all His followers. James 1:22, James 4:17, Matthew 21:28-31
6. Lukewarm people rarely share their faith with their neighbors, coworkers, or friends. They do not want to be rejected, nor do they want to make people uncomfortable by talking about private issues like religion. Matthew 10:32-33
7. Lukewarm people gauge their morality or “goodness” by comparing themselves to the secular world. They feel satisfied that while they aren’t as hard-core for Jesus as so-and-so, they are nowhere as horrible as the guy down the street. Luke 18:11-12
8. Lukewarm people say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed, a part of their lives, their money, and their thoughts, but he isn’t allowed to control their lives. Luke 9:57-62
9. Lukewarm people love God, but they do not love Him all their heart, soul, and strength. They would be quick to assure you they try to love God that much, but that sort of total devotion isn’t really possible for the average person; its only for pastors and missionaries and radicals. Matthew 22:37-38
10. Lukewarm people love others but do not seek to love others as much as they love themselves. Their love for others is typically focused on those who love them in return, like family, friends, and other people they know and connect with. There is a little love left over for those who cannot love them back, much less for those who intentionally slight them, who kids are better athletes than theirs, or with whom conversations are awkward or uncomfortable. Their love is highly conditional and very selective, and generally comes with strings attached. Matthew 5:43-47, Luke 14:12-14
11. Lukewarm people will serve God and others, but there are limits to how far they will go or how much time, money, and energy they are willing to give. Luke 18:21-25
12. Lukewarm people think about life on earth much more often than eternity in heaven. Daily life is mostly focused on today’s to-do list, this week’s schedule, and next month’s vacation. Rarely, if ever do they intently consider the life to come. Philippians 3:18-20
13. Lukewarm people are thankful for their luxuries and comforts, and rarely consider trying to give as much as possible to the poor. Matthew 25:34, 40, Isaiah 58:6-7
14. Lukewarm people do whatever is necessary to keep themselves from feeling too guilty. They want to do the bare minimum, to be “good enough” without requiring too much of them. 1 Chronicles 29:14, Matthew 13:44-46
15. Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control. This focus on safe living keeps them sacrificing and risking for God. Matthew 10:28
16. Lukewarm people feel secure because they attend church, made a profession of faith at age twelve, were baptized, come from a Christian family, vote Republican, or live in America.
17. Luke warm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so they never have to. They don’t have to trust God if something unexpected happens-they have their savings account. They don’t need God to help them—they have their retirement plan in place. They don’t genuinely seek out what life God would have them live—they have life figured and mapped out. They don’t depend on God on a daily basis-their refrigerators are full and, for the most part, they are in good health. The truth is, their lives wouldn’t look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God. Luke 12:16-21
18. Lukewarm people probably drink and swear less than average, but besides that, they really aren’t very different from your typical unbeliever. They equate their partially sanitized lives with holiness, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Matthew 23:25-28, Luke 14:34-35
Rating: MA for sexual content, sexual themes and mature language.
My hands were clasped like they should’ve been and I was staring up at the ceiling unlike everyone else in the church. I wasn’t paying attention to the prayer they were all fluently reciting, but when I got elbowed I sighed rolling my eyes as my friend glared at me.
“…give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our debts
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses…” I trailed off as I caught sight of our beloved Father looking at me. He was pretty tall from what I remember and he had curly brown hair that was usually curled out of his face with these hands that made me think of God himself. He had eyes that seemed to vary in color at times, from gray to green to blue and sometimes they look close to hazel, but I couldn’t tell which color was taking up his iris the most. I wasn’t going to lie. He was hot. Plus the way his suit fit him was very attractive. He was probably six years older than me at least, but even then he was probably much older than me than that, but still; what was most sexy about him in my opinion was the fact that he wasn’t a boy. He was a man. He had this confident determined stride that lacked cockiness and he looked everyone in the eye when they were addressing him or were to be addressed. He was just one of those men who naturally was very, very desirable. Too bad he was incredibly religious and shit, I thought as I checked him out right back. But I still wanted to fuck with him a little. I smirked and then licked my tongue out and then kissed at him. He seemed to only chuckle and then continue to speak the prayer, obviously knowing it as though it were his native language.
“…and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil…”
I'm embarrassed that I'm asking this. I know, I know the answer. I'm a freaking psychology major, currently on the dissertation phase (though, it's business psychology). It's been reinforced in my lizard-brain that mental illness (especially depression) = major sin present. Seeking help from a clinical rather than a pastor only serves Satan; and the Scriptures have all the answers I need. I KNOW THIS IS FALSE. How can I turn that off? How can I stop crying every time I try to make that call?
Well, here’s the thing: clinical psychologists and medical doctors use science to help people. Religion uses philosophy and even mythology to help people. They’re not incompatible, except when religion tells you that getting medical help from someone who is trained to help you is somehow in service of Satan or another evil.
In fact, I’ll go even farther: someone who claims to be a pious or religious person who tells you that it’s a sin to seek professional medical help is, in fact, evil. That’s a person who is using fear to control you, and it makes me wonder what’s in it for that person, and why it’s so important that they control you.
You said that you know it’s false, and that’s a great first step toward escaping from a dangerous and harmful situation. I’m not a medical professional, but my instinct says you should talk to someone who helps people get out of intense religions that are using fear and other coercive tactics to control people, and help you find a congregation that’s positive, loving, and genuinely cares about your mental and physical health.
Please don’t be embarrassed. Be proud of your courage and the strength it took you to ask this and reach out to someone for help. Please take the next step, and go to a professional who knows how to treat you. You deserve to be happy, and I’m confident that if there is a god, she wants you to be happy, and to live a fulfilling and wonderful life.
I hope this helps. Maybe someone else who reads this will see it and somehow someone who has been in your shoes will reach out.
Even in church, as Christians we think, ‘if only I was a better person. If only I was a pastor or a leader or a worship leader or if I had talent or gifts or abilities, then maybe that’s when God will accept me. But it’s the opposite. God says it doesn’t matter who you are. & because of that we don’t have to try to elevate ourselves to find God. We find God in the position of surrender.
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?” — Luke 15:4
I don’t meet many pastors or Christians who believe this anymore. We tend to accept those who appear more mature or are “willing to learn” or “have potential” — but we neglect the difficult cases. We abandon those who somehow don’t fall in line with our church methodology. We exert our efforts into the easy cases because they’ve met our ego-imposed standards, but we reject those who would “waste my time.”
This is a horrific, unbiblical, worldly legalism that has shackled prerequisites on the same people that Jesus died for. I don’t remember Jesus setting these sort of absurd checklists to make someone a “worthwhile” disciple.
We think it’s a success in ministry to have all these guys who go to seminary or sign up for a six-week discipleship course or serve on the praise team: and I praise God when that happens. But God forbid we also visit prisons, help the homeless, love on addicts, or do anything outside the church that doesn’t serve itself. God forbid we are open to the sincerely struggling and those curious of faith or those who have been burnt by the world and its performance-driven paranoia. God forbid we are loving to those who have nothing to offer back to the church.
I really want to ask some of these pastors and leaders: What are you actually doing for the Kingdom? Are you self-reflexively isolating your territory with “worthy” people who are yes-men to your ideology? Do you only collect churchgoers to perpetuate your programs inside the four walls of your building? Are you burdening your people with more classes and more sign-ups and more activities? Where is all this going? What are you doing with all that time? Have you even helped one individual your entire life? Why is the church making people more anxious and more exhausted and more frustrated? I don’t think this is what Jesus died for. He died to take burdens off, not add burdens on.
Recently, a famous pastor of a megachurch and bestselling Christian author called a meeting of his congregation and said, “Anyone who is serving on a team, you can stay. Anyone who isn’t serving here, there’s the door." I don’t understand this. It’s freaking infuriating. This is why the church hurts people: because we’ve become an assembly line of jumping through dogmatic hoops. The "pastors” are power-brokers who have abused God’s authority for their own grandeur. I’ve always imagined the church as a beacon of healing in a bleak world, but we’ve assimilated the cultural ethos of American Idol into our sanctuaries. Imagine I tell you, “If you’re healthy enough, you can enter my hospital.”
If you do this to your people, then call yourself an employer or CEO or a college or a TV show or a critic, but please don’t freaking call yourself a Christian. We oppose God when this happens: and it’s not okay.
The church is certainly a sanctuary for the sacred: but it’s also a safe haven for sinners. It’s a hospital, and we do not refuse the sick.
Of course there is wisdom in using your time wisely. Pastors are only individuals who have limited resources and ability. But if you’re a leader in the church, then each person who walks through the door is not some commodity project: but a human being. They’re worth a portion of your time because they exist.
I can’t say I’m always good at this. I fail often as a pastor and as a human being. I have neglected others to my own shame. In my imperfect writing skill, I’ve probably wrongly added burdens in this post too. And I’m a small-time guy with just another critical voice in a sea of criticism. But I grieve for our Christian communities to be like Jesus. I pray we have a heart for the one when he leaves the 99. I hope we are not categorizing people into worthy and unworthy: because if this were true, none of us could stand in the grace of God. But that’s why it’s grace. It’s for people like you and me and not for who we deem worthy.
Ah yes, now we get into my true passion: street food and frozen delectables.
1. Kogi BBQ: The OG that launched the food truck movement across North America if not the world. Roy Choi is my personal Jesus. Where he goes, I follow. (Moving Target)
2. El Flamin’ on 5th & Vermont: A king among the roving intrepid feeders of men, this particular location is in a dodgy bit of K-Town and is cash only, but the al pastor melts in your mouth since a man is tending an open flame and shaving meat directly into a taco shell with a slice of grilled pineapple for the hell of it. (Koreatown)
3. The Danger Dog Lady: Look, there’s many a fine folk competing for your business as you walk down the street at midnight after a movie or a concert, but keep walking until you see the older lady beckon you with greasy tongs. This is who you want. This is who will take care of you. If you get food poisoning, it’s not my fault. (Everywhere)
4. Salt N Straw: I was there the day this behemoth opened. Small-batch ice creams with local farm-to-cone ingredients. Where else am I going to get my blood ice cream fix? (Larchmont)
5. Honeymee: This Korean transplant does one thing and does it well. True dairy milk ice cream (not too sweet, but not tart) is topped with raw, organic honeycomb. That’s it’s. That’s why you’re here. (Koreatown)