only a testicle would buy this

Y’all wanna sit tight. Get a pint of rocky road or something. This one came in installations. 

A couple has been coming in every other day this week with some kind of specific request. We’ll start with Monday. She comes in with her husband and asks our floral designer if she can use a 20% off including sale items coupon on the floral. This doesn’t happen TO me, it happens in front of me and she is very loud. 

“I’m sorry, but the coupon doesn’t start until Friday,” says our florist.

“Well, I was hoping to beat the crowd and use it today.”

“If we try to use it, it will not scan, I’m sorry. It isn’t active yet. You’ll have to wait.”

“I’ll have you know that we spend hundreds of dollars at your store at Memorial Day and Christmas to put flowers on graves for our soldiers.”

“I’m sorry, but… we really can’t use the coupon on them. They’re 40% off right now, so you’re already saving a bundle.” I can see her already plotting creative body disposal. Its in the eyes, can’t mistake it.  

So the couple spends about an hour and a half in the store, trying to fit their budget. When they come up, their cart is just bursting with flowers. They go to the register of someone who has just clocked in. I hear, over the radio:

“A customer wants to use the 20 early. Do you want me to override it?”

An exasperated sigh later. “Fine, just do it.”


They had ordered a couple custom pieces and they come to pick them up. They look gorgeous, by the way, because our florist is top notch. They also pick up another dozen or so floral pieces and some floral bushes. Our florist is not there, we have a different manager that day and this one is pretty much a pushover- if a customer asks for a price adjustment they get it whether they deserve it or not on the offchance that they get a survey. Because we’re all hurting for scores. 

“We have a 25% off coupon that starts next week. Can we use it?”


“And your florist said that I could get these custom orders for 50% off.”

“Go for it.”

We get the order over the radio to ring her up for one custom order even though she has two, that’s how we get the 50%. Then for the rest of the stuff, she gets a 25% off. Which means that we have to price override every. single, stem. 

Every three transactions, the printer spits out a survey. They take their stuff to the car, fill out the survey in the car, then come back in and demand that we retroactively apply the survey coupon. The coupon is $5 off a purchase of $25 or more. Basically she gets $5. 

To do this. The cashier, who was not me- thankfully or I would have murdered something- has to return everything. And since they had already taken everything to the car and were not going to get it again, she had to punch in the numbers for each item. The ten-digit numbers. For all twenty items. And then re-purchase them… punching in every. single. item. THEN she could apply the coupon. 

And now it is Thursday. Which means its my turn because I could never get the hang of Thursdays. 

It is Thursday and it is the final day of a seven-week stretch for me. Not only that, it is 4:58 and I leave in two minutes. I wave off my last customer and am about to close down when…

You guessed it! The couple forces their way to the front without asking if i’m open or not. 

She has a pile of receipts and I am about to flip a table. 

I am going to organize this in the order of things that she wanted me to do in the order that we did them because her opening statement was a jumbled mess of commands. 


“I was supposed to get 50% off this custom order and then 25% off of it. Everything else came off but that.”

“I’m sorry, but we can’t take coupons on custom pieces because its a labor cost.”

“Your florist said that we could have 50% off.”

“She did, did she?”

“She did. She said I could have 50% off and then 25% off.”

I call the florist over to explain: “She only charged you for one, which makes it 50% off.”

“What about the 25%?”

“We can’t take it off of custom. There’s no possible way to do it.”

“I thought you said-”

“I said we could give you half price, but the 25 was going to come off everything else but the custom.”

She accepts this, but is saddened. 


“We have been to every store except the one in Grove City looking for these in purple and this is the only place we can find them.” I look at the bush. It is clearly pink. I say nothing. “We want to use these two coupons on it.”

“We can’t use more than one coupon on an item, and this one is already on sale, so the first one won’t work. The second one doesn’t start until Sunday.”

“Then we’ll use the 25% off one.”

“The one that doesn’t start until Sunday.”

“Yes. They did it before and we want it again.”

“…you want to use a coupon that doesnt start until next week… today.”

“That’s right.”

“Off of the item that’s already 40% off.”


The florist, who is still present, gives me a horrified look. It is now 5:08. This woman will not take ‘no’ for an answer. “Sure, okay. Let me get the calculator…” Our only operation for this is to ring up the sale item at the sale price AS regular price and then manually apply the discount because we can only put one discount on an item. Which is pretty much what I explained to her. 

And Finally…

“We bought this pinwheel at another store and forgot to apply the coupon.” I don’t believe for a red second in Satan’s burning left testicle that this woman would ever forget a coupon. 

“Okay, to do that, we will have to return it and then re-purchase it to apply the coupon.”


The receipt won’t scan because they had the luck to go to the store with the shittiest printer and decide ah yes- this is where I will buy my pinwheel. It is now 5:15 and I am punching in the faded numbers from the top of the receipt and ignoring the fact that the date on it is from two weeks ago. None of the numbers will go through. All I get is error messages. 

“Did you buy it with a credit card?”


“We can look it up using the credit card.”

The woman digs through her purse and hands him the credit card, he sticks it in the slot and takes it out immediately, hands it back to her, she puts it in her purse.

“Sir, you have to leave it in the slot for it to register.”

The woman hands him the credit card. He sticks it in the slot. He takes it out. He hands it back to her. She puts it in her purse.

“Try it again and really leave it there.”

She takes it out of her purse, hands it to him, he sticks it in the slot. 

Third time is the charm. 

“Do you have the pinwheel with you?”

“Oh, you know… I thought about bringing it with me…”

So I have to punch in the numbers for the pinwheel. “Okay, I need you to run your card again.”

She takes it out of her purse, hands it to him, he sticks it in the slot and takes it out. Hands it back to her, she sticks it in her purse.  

We repeat this several times before he gets the part where he’s supposed to leave it in there. 

“Okay. Now we’re going to have you purchase it again.”

“With the discount?”


Start purchase, punch in the item number, about to scan the 40% coupon when she hands me the same goddamn 25% off coupon that she insists we’re supposed to take. “I want this one too.”

It is 5:20 and I am so tired. “We can only do one coupon on an item,  I’m sorry. The only reason we could do this one on the flowers is because they were already 40% off.”

“But last time you said you could!”

“I thought we were just taking the 40% off coupon. There isn’t a 25% on the rest of this receipt, so I assumed you just wanted the discount on the single item.”

“I did! 40% plus 25%.”

I call my manager on the radio: “Boss, she wants me to use the 40% coupon and the 25% coupon on the same item. Do you want me to price adjust?”

“If its the only way to end this now, do it.”

So to do this I have to void the hand-punched item by hand-punching the item again, hitting ‘price override,’ hand-punching the 10-digit number AGAIN, calculate 40% off of the item as ‘regular price’ and THEN discount 25% off of that.

And then we go through the entire nonsense of the card. Again. Purse hand slot car hand hook car door. 

They are SO GRATEFUL for my patience and I am chanting ‘murder murder murder murder murder’ so hard that I can feel my eyeball starting to pop. And they leave. 

I asked the girl at the register behind me if she had a spare coupon.

“Which one?”

“Any one will do.”

She hands me one and I rip it to ribbons with my fingernails. She thought I’d gone rabid. 

Jun > Sho

Of course, I think something camouflage would be best for Sho-kun’s birthday present

Recently Sho-kun is…

 I sent Sho-kun a text on his birthday.  When it became January 25th, Ithought ahh the date’s changed, it’s today, and around 2 am I sent him a message saying “you’re a repdigit now,” but for some reason it didn’t send.  I realized that later on and around 5pm I re-sent the message.  It may have just been a coincidence, but almost as soon as I sent it, I received a “thank you” in response.  He sure is reliable, I thought.  I haven’t bought him a present yet, I’m still thinking about what I should get*.  What kind of fashion do I recommend for Sho-kun?  Ehh~, I’m not sure.  It’d have to be camouflage, right (laughs)?  But since he probably has a lot already, maybe I’ll get him something that isn’t the green type as a present.  What do you think of pink-colored camouflage (laughs)? Something you don’t see every day would be good.  (*At the time of this interview Matsumoto-san said that he had yet to buy a birthday present for Sakurai-san.  Afterwards, on the LA-Vegas trip, it seems he went shopping and bought an item that Sakurai-san would like. …)

Part 3/5  #mj news

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