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100 films in 2017

32. Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

Director: Jon Watts (Cop Car, Onion News Network tv series)

Rating: 9.5/10

With Spider-Man getting his THIRD film series in my lifetime, I was both excited and terrified for Spider-Man: Homecoming. I grew up watching Tobey Maguire’s awkward mug skit across my screen, so the Sam Raimi trilogy will always have a special place in my heart. Though Homecoming didn’t have an anthem like ‘Vindicated’ (side note: I’m seeing Dashboard Confessional in concert tomorrow and if they don’t play that song I’m going to demand a refund for my ticket), it did have pretty much… everything else. Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley did fantastic with this screenplay. I think part of Spider-Man: Homecoming’s success has to do with the fact that three Jo(h)ns worked so diligently on it.

I’m so happy I didn’t have to sit through Uncle Ben dying (again) and watch Peter get bitten by some stupid spider (again). Jon, Jon, and John decided to take things in another, more refreshing direction by jumping right in and skipping all that hoopla. I suppose the facts that Spidey made an appearance in Captain America: Civil War and has to tie in with the rest of the current MCU also made a difference. But let’s keep our J-named friends in mind here.

Another refreshing (I’m going to use this word at least one more time sorry not sorry) aspect of this film is the casting. Tom Holland and co look believable as teenagers. I’m sick of seeing people who very much look like they’re in their late twenties play teenagers!!!! Not only does that add an unhealthy expectation to the body images of teens, but I also feel it contributes to sexualization of teenagers. So good job team! Also I was Personally Victimized when Donald Glover was not allowed to audition for Spider-Man in the past, so for him to be in this film felt like some justice had been served.

I took a half point off my rating because Zendaya was oversold for this film and barely had a role (or personality) as MJ. Also because there was like… no artistic vision to me as far as aesthetics are concerned. This could be because I watched Dunkirk the day before seeing this, and it’s totally unfair to compare apples and oranges, but the only creative visual play that stood out to me was the change in aspect ratio when Peter’s “home movie” was playing in the beginning.

Anyway, Spider-Man: Homecoming is as refreshing as the cool side of your pillow. This film could have easily been a disappointment, but instead it performed well beyond expectation with plenty of self-awareness, action, and laughter. It felt true to the Spidey that I love. I’m excited to see what’s to come out of the sequel… hopefully Ned gets to wear more cool hats.

First Contact

Hey, you guys, if aliens land on Earth, can I call dibs on being their first contact? Sure, I bet scientists and politicians would scramble to be first in line, but I think I could do a better job, and I’ll tell you why.

One, I wouldn’t make such a big deal of it. My guess is that aliens would be weirded out by a lot of pomp and circumstance. Instead of flags and fancy handshakes and junk, I’d be all like, “Hey yo, pop a squat on that ottoman. I’ll go grab us some cold ones.” And, I bet the aliens would be like, “Awesome, yeah. Cool apartment, dude. Dope Pearl Jam poster.”

Two, I wouldn’t be all up their asses about advanced technology. You send a scientist in as first contact, and he’d be like, “Spaceship spaceship spaceship!” Yeah, I mean, we’d get to that stuff eventually, but you gotta ease into it. I’d be like, “So, what are you guys into? Music? Or just chilling out? Cool. Cool. So, like, does your spaceship run on crazy powerful crystals or something? Do you have any extra of those?”

And, then we’d get to live on a world where everything’s run on crystals and everybody has Segways and stuff. Y’know why? Because I wouldn’t be pushy about it.

Where are we at? Three?

Three, if shit goes down, I know how to handle myself. Like, say these alien dudes are interested in world domination and kidnapping folks for butt probing.

See, if the military were there, they’d be all like, “LAUNCH THE NUKES!” at even the first sign of lasers or anal probes. Whoa whoa whoa, no need for nukes. My buddy, Herc, tries that shit all the time, so I have experience in these areas. (Totally true. Whenever Herc gets wasted, he grabs dudes and tries sticking his finger up the backs of their shorts. He laughs like it’s a joke, but I think there’s something else there.)

But, instead of needing the military, I could just be like, “I got this,” and whip out some kung fu shit. Just go total Roadhouse on those aliens. I’d be like, “POW CHOP PA-POW!” And, they be all, “Oww, oooh, ugh! My big, gray head!”

Ask Tommy. He’s seen me do it to a guy once who was messing with a girl at Wawa.

Then, when the aliens are sitting on the curb, rubbing their sore heads or whatever, I’d hand them a cold brew, and I’d be like, “Sorry I had to put you guys in your place. But, you get that you pulled a dick move, right?”

And, they’d be like, “Yeah. Sorry we tried to invade you guys. We’re cool.”

Part four… Uh, okay, so everything so far has assumed these aliens were the little gray dudes who may or may not be into planetary conquering and/or butt science. Instead, if these aliens are the sexy green lady kind of aliens, I also call dibs on first contact.

For that I’m gonna need some supplies—candles, chocolate-covered cherries, maybe some scented oils. I’m kinda low on cash right now, so do you think the U.N. Nations would chip in to buy those things? They’re in charge of UFO landing stuff, right?

Can you do me a solid and call and ask them? I don’t really know anybody at the U.N. Nations, and I think it’d be weird if I just called them up asking for money for sex stuff. Anyway, let me know if you hear back from them.

I’m really excited about this first contact stuff. I think it’s gonna turn out really great.

[Andy Ross is a writer and comedian who has contributed to The Onion News Network, Comedy Central, and MAD Magazine. He runs a monthly humor series called Real Characters at McNally Jackson Books in SoHo. Follow him on twitter @waitforandy

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Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that in 2012 the company will release the Steve Jobs 2, an updated version of the revolutionary Apple founder featuring a richer, deeper voice and a sleek new white turtleneck.

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Hilarious Onion News story: “Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law”

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Still my favorite Onion News Network clip of all time. 

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This was posted five year’s ago. The accuracy is just unbelievable.

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hahahaah so fucking sick love it 

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Headcanon time.

The Onion News Network is based in Night Vale.

Congratulations for the successful surveillance and intelligence tool, CIA Agent Mark Zuckerberg!

Also, let’s keep in mind that Foursquare is a tool used by terrorists to pinpoint ideal targets for bomb attacks by assessing the number of people checking in at a particular area. Now you know.