oneminutetheater

One Minute Theater - The Empire Strikes Back

Liv gurl, you gon’ have to ease yo'self on up out of here. You done fucked up the leader of the free world and the MF is strugglin!

Bitch please.  Tell him I’m here and I got some new La Perla underwear on.  I know how to handle my business.

Heifer, do you know how much brown liquor has been consumed in the past few weeks?  And now he’s spending all this time in the bathroom -  I ain’t got time for you to be stirring up more crazy.

So you need to bouncy walk your sweet ass out of the White….

Aaah shit.  Now I’m going to have to make another liquor store run, and those fuckers don’t accept checks.

Fitz: Let’s see, I’m standing here not getting laid, so it must be my weekly visit with Olivia.  For someone who isn’t mine, you ass sho’ is up in my house all the damn time.

And before you EVEN get started, let me just say, “Don’t ask for shit, you ain’t getting shit, and I don’t give a fuck.”

[WHIMPER and LIP QUIVER]

Author’s Note: It’s true, a hit dog really do holler.

 

Cy, is she gone yet?  I’m fixin’ to ugly cry and fall on the floor.

 

As always, Miss Cyrus’ sentiments need no interpretation.

Tune in for the next episode of One Minute Theater!

POPUS FOR LIFE!

For all the homies that ain’t here.

In loving memory of the lamps all across this great land that didn’t survive the Grant Presidential campaign hotel stay because Fitz had zero fucks to give, especially for hotel lamps and such.

For the greater good of the sexy.  Yes, the greater good.

The Decision: Conversations from a Hallway

   

Fitz: “Just go in your room and close the door and we’ll pretend this never happened.”

Lawd gawd please help me!  I am trying so hard not to be a heaux up in here, but dang if he don’t keep whispering in my ear and shit.  I am all kinds of conflicted and my special place feels funny after all that hand-holding.

Fitz:  “Go in your room.”

Aw hell - did his voice just drop ANOTHER octave?  Fuck it - let me roll this luggage on down the hall. [Like I wasn’t going to anyway.]

Damn, I knew I was good, but did I just pull this Jedi mind-trick shit off? If I can do this, I got that fuckin’ election ON LOCK.

#WhoIsTheMole you ask?  Well, I done did it again.  Tweet the writers and let them know that I, Sabia, with 10 minutes of free time and a margarita has blown this case wide open!

The Mole is ….. Ms. Hanley, Fitz’ old secretary/aide. 

Y'all think it’s just the tequila talking you say?  Well riddle me this:

Why did Ms. Hanley just up and get replaced this year?  She’s barely been seen since the early episodes of Season 1.  Why go through the trouble of replacing her?  What is that chick hiding?

I give you the half-assed evidence in the photos above.  See? 

Sneakin’

I know that look.  I’ve given that look.  Hell, I’ve given that look within the last 12 hours.

So let’s just say our comely young secretary/aide has been harboring a secret crush on our Superman-curled, ab-crunching POTUS lo these past 3ish years.  Maybe she gets sick of him mooning over Olivia and having to do his bidding to keep replacing her WH badges every time they break up, track her down, send her Christmas cards, cheese baskets, and whatnot. 

Maybe she decides that it’s time to get even at Fitz for not overlooking her below the knee, practical work clothes, modest necklines and sensible hairstyles to see the temptress that lies within. 

Maybe she wanted a fucking raise so she too could buy some Gucci trenchcoats and nummy sweaters to flounce around in. 

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Fitzgerald and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Birthday

Fitzgerald Grant has had a rough go of it our boy has.

He returns home from a 3 week trip to the G8 and a subsequent trip to Europe only to find that everything and everyone back home was batshit crazy. How can you get in so much trouble when you aren’t even there?

Apparently shit does indeed roll uphill if you’re Fitzgerald Grant III.

All Roads Lead to Fitz has a dark side y’all.

=========================================================

I left the country and my very mean evil pregnant wife who hates me almost as much as I hate her and my OliviaGirlfriendSoulmateFutureWifeMistress who had kinda broken up with me, but then I REALLY broke up with her later so mine was better [Burn!], but I was still seriously bummed and all the stress was starting to take the bounce out of my Superman curls so I was happy to get the hell outta Dodge cuz “Bitches be crazy.”

When I got back, my very mean evil pregnant wife was planning my birthday gala and since she hates me only slightly less than that patch-eyed kid who threw up on her, I was immediately suspicious. Then I have this crappy birthday dinner with people I only barely like anyway, and no one wants me to tell my awesome stories about winning the election (geez they act like I stole something).

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One Minute Theater- Ep. #2 "The Limo"

Mellie:  Hmmm, I think it’s time to level-up to next month’s prosthetic belly.  I want to be ready in case I run into Olivia again. That shit was fuuuuuuun!

Hey Fitz, I know we hate each other with the fire of a thousand suns, but I’m kind of feeling my FLOTUS game today, so I’ve decided you need to get over this shit and get back with the program.  I gots plans and your emo, lovesick bullshit ain’t part of the execution strategy.

Is this bitch talking again or am I having a stroke?

Listen here, I don’t have time to play with yo’ Olivia-whipped ass.  I have shit to do today like get my new belly fitted. 

Fitz: Okay, I forgive you.  [I saw Michael Corleone give this move to his brother in The Godfather Part II just before he killed him.]

Mellie: Are you messing up my hair?  Olivia may let you do that shit, but I ain’t the one.

Mellie:  Messing up my hair and shit.  Now I gotta make a hair appt. after the belly fitting. FML.

Fitz:  Crap, I knew I shouldn’t have touched her.  Now I think I’m getting carsick.  Can someone pull over the motorcade?

Miss Cyrus again needs no explanation.

One Minute Theater: Fiscal Cliff Special Edition (AKA Why I Love Joe Biden)

Twinkling Joe:  Dude, can you believe these idiots stayed up all night waiting for our press conference.  POTUS swag!

Barack:  Joe, I told you to stop calling “POTUS swag” on everything.  We’ve been here 4 years now.  Stop acting brand new.

Twinkling Joe:  A'ight.  But you know it’s pret-ty cool….

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