February 9th, 2015

I can feel my head hurting before I even open my eyes.  My mouth is dry and I’m sore all over.  I look over to my right and the bed is empty.  It feels cold and lonely.  I look to my left and I see a shot glass, some water, and my cell phone.  It slowly started coming into my mind.  Snipits.  Teeny flashes of embarrassment.  How could I have done this?  How could I have allowed myself to get so bad that one night almost ended me.  It all came down to that. That one dreadful February evening.  I don’t know if I was relieved or disappointed that I woke up.  At the time probably the latter. 

I don’t remember much of this day.  It was all a blur.  I looked up mental hospitals.  I had just recently started taking my bipolar meds before this evening.  I was convincing myself they were making me drink.  I thought if I could get away for a little while.  But what about my kids?  I can’t run, I need to face what I’ve done.  I had my mom come over and I went to an aa meeting.  I walked in feeling broken, bruised, and just dead inside.  I didn’t think I had any tears left but sure enough as I’m spilling my guts to a group of strangers they just keep falling.  They were kind.  They listened.  They were welcoming.  I still go back to that meeting.  I anxiously head home.  By now James will have been home from work.  I haven’t seen him.  I come in and I see it in his eyes.  He’s broken.  I’ve done this to him.  I’ve done this to us.  He holds me and we both cry this time. 

The 364 days after

My story does have a happy ending.  I’ve made amends.  I’ve fixed broken bridges.  I’ve got my marriage back.  Happy children.  My self esteem.  My appreciation for life.  For the people who never left my side.  This year wasn’t always easy.  Nothing worth it will be.  I fought.  I carried on.  Pretty soon the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months.  I made it a priority to always celebrate my small victories.  A choice to tell my story to others.  It’s painful to write but it holds me accountable.  If my story can help one person who is struggling then I’ve done my job. 

February 9th, 2016

I wake up this morning. No headache. No feeling of absolute dread. I look to my right and my husband and is happily sleeping next to me. I reach over and rub his back to remind me he is there today. I’m so lucky he’s here with me. At the foot of my bed I feel a little body. My son must have had a bad dream. I loved waking up to him in my bed. This morning I woke up to a bed filled with love. Filled with hope. I went into my boys room and kissed my youngest. Their innocence makes me cry. I hope they don’t remember when I dragged them into my mess. I survived this year. I fought the hardest fight of my life and I won. I’ve cried so many tears this morning. As I go about my day I’ll hold my head a little higher and my smile a little brighter. Miracles happen everyday. I’m convinced of that. It’s because of a miracle I’m here today. Sober. Happy. Content.

Its official, I’m one year clean/sober. I can hardly wrap my head around it. It doesn’t seem real to me, I never thought I’d make it this far to say the least. It seems like yesterday when I was in over my head, addicted to heroin and popping pills by the handful. I had so much self hatred inside of me, I don’t know how I made it out alive. But I’m so fucking thankful I did.. Even though it was a very, very close call. It took me so long to realize I’m not as worthless as I think I am, a fact I still struggle with everyday. But I know I am better than who I was a year ago. I know I deserve better too, even if it took me a little too long to figure that out. It’s still a struggle, and some days a living hell, but I refuse to go back to where I was, no matter how weak I feel. I have to thank my family, my close friends and all y'all on here that have my back. It was stupid and foolish for me to ever think I could come this far on my own, now I’m definitely glad I didn’t let my pride win. Thank you to everyone who has ever supported me, offered to listen, or simply liked my sobriety posts. Your support means so much more to me than you realize. Thank you for continuing to have my back on this journey.

It’s been a day. I’ve cried more times than I can count.

I just got home from my meeting. The same meeting I walked into 365 days ago with barely 24 hours under my belt. I shared my writings, I cried, I received my token and they sung happy birthday to me.

I came home to a warm house filled with laughter from my little boys. James pulls out a box. He handed it to me and told me it was because he was so proud of me. I opened the box to the most beautiful diamond earrings I ever did see. That ofcourse caused even more tears.

Thank you so much to everyone who has read my stories over the past 2 days. Thank you to everyone for standing by me, believing in me, and encouraging me to never give up. I’m truly grateful for each and everyone of you.

One Year Sober Today!

I just remember being so overwhelmed around this time last year- thinking “how can I stop drinking?”- couldn’t imagine life without alcohol. Life is overwhelming, but I am not drinking. Proud of myself right now!  

  • Living to this day and being able to tell myself that I made it and I'm one year clean from narcotics is the most freeing feeling ever. Six years of my life were stolen by this horrible addiction, and even though I can't take those years back, I've learned to forgive myself and move on. Though I can't say that there hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't thought about using at least once, I've learned to control myself with distractions. Music, painting, poetry, carpentry- all these things have helped me realize that life truly can be a beautiful place after you escape the darkness, no matter how endless that darkness may seem sometimes. anyway, I'll cut the corny shit. If I can do it, so can you.
Recovery musings

I’m almost one year clean and sober. There’s no celebration until I get there (anything can happen in a few weeks) but far out, I’ve been through hell in the last twelve months and I did it sober. It seems like a miracle, but as one friend in recovery pointed out it’s been a lot of hard work. I still need these things pointed out to me, I’m still very hard on myself.

I can’t believe that my life has been what it has been, but here we are. May my pain make me stronger and kinder and may it help someone else.

One year free of alcohol, one day at a time!!  It is my second serious attempt at getting sober, but the first attempt was dictated mostly by outside influences, including the fact I’d started getting into trouble at work for persistent lateness and lousy attitude etc. etc.  Two years ago I started drinking again in very small quantities and for several months thought I’d cracked the secret of drinking in moderation.  I couldn’t but notice that the obsession was beginning to rear its head again and then a bereavement tipped me straight back into binge mode.  For a few months it was stop, start, stop, start, but while the booze still gave me some sort of relief from anxiety it frightened me too.  It felt as if I was swimming in a lovely warm sea full of treacherous currents and I never knew when one would drag me under; only that it was sure to happen one day.  I was a wine drinker and always associated wine with fun and conviviality but there was nothing fun or convivial about waking up at 6am on 9 January 2014 with two empty wine bottles on the floor beside me and a dent in my forehead where I’d gone to sleep on the laptop.  I’d been enjoying a classy party for one the night before, only interrupted when I’d popped out to the shop for the second bottle (different shop from where I bought the first one obviously, couldn’t have the staff thinking I was an alcoholic, could I?).  I remember wondering whether I ought to go out and find some sleazy shop that would sell me another bottle at that hour of the morning but decided to go to bed instead.  I awoke again several hours later feeling very sure that the booze and me were never going to be a happy combination.  Acknowledging that was actually a huge relief.  I have no idea whether I will be sober for the rest of my life, in a year’s time or even next week, but I hope so.  I feel much happier about it now that I’m staying sober because it’s the right thing for me, I’m not doing it simply to avoid getting sacked. 

This past weekend, I reached the 1 year sober checkpoint.

I feel so proud XD

Although whenever I say I’m one year sober, I feel like I’ve been through some Alcoholics Anonymous shenanigans, but that is not the case. I did it of my own free will. I made the decision that it was something that I don’t require in my life for fun or socializing. I’m a hot mess either way lmao

One major reason though is that I was always afraid of what I might do if I ended up being uncontrollably drunk. I’m a pretty straight up person, but I don’t usually talk shit. I keep it in. So I feel like if I got mad smashed one night, I might lose a few people close to me.

For that reason, I’m scared to get drunk.

For health reasons, I do not get drunk.

And I never feel awkward for saying I don’t drink. I guess it was meant to be haha