one day

thankfully i’m not in tears every day now, but i’m going through a period of feeling fine, then doubting God is real and crying about it for a few hours. it’s a period of highs and lows. in these past 3 months i’ve come so close to giving up the faith many times. i’ve come so close to rejecting Jesus. i’ve even had thoughts asking Him to leave, which i apologized about immediately after– so, hopefully, they weren’t mine. 

and this hurts a lot. pretty much ever since i was a child i’ve had God consistently on my mind. and now, it feels like i lost it all. i had no problem believing in God. in the past, i was surrounded by atheists and i could easily listening to their criticisms of my faith, but not believe it all. now, even the smallest arguments against God unhinge me. i’m even skeptical of evidence FOR God– my mind immediately wanders to a contradictory “but what if” and i find myself losing my footing just the same.

i’ve recently felt bitter. at God, at people who love me and care for me. i’ve found myself asking God why???? why is the exact opposite of what i was praying for now happening?

this problem has beaten me down and worn me out consistently. it has terrified me so much. during my lowest points, i’ve gone from being afraid to tears to feeling so numb i was forcing myself to cry. i’ve been so anxious a few weeks ago my anxieties about God kept me up for two nights and a day. 

sometimes it hurts so much thinking about what my faith used to be. only a few months ago i used to think of Jesus and feel so much wonder and awe at the sheer size of His beauty. but now my faith is crippled. i don’t know if it will ever be the same

so yeah, it’s gotten bad. and i don’t know when it will end. i don’t know if my faith will stay broken like this forever, or if, i hope, it will become stronger

i’ve gotten advice that i should listen to worship music, pray, read the Word. and maybe i have not been reaching my goal for bible chapters read daily, but i find myself begging God to make it better. it’s not like i haven’t been doing those things. ive been asking God to shatter my blindness and destroy my delusions and get rid of my doubts forever. i’ve been listening to many Christian songs. but i don’t know if it’s making it any better

every time i think i can’t sink deeper, i sink deeper. i thought it was bad when i was terrified and crying over my lack of belief. but now, i wish i was still terrified and crying. it’s better than not being afraid, than not caring.

so yeah, this is the point i’m at right now. feeling fine, then relapsing into anxiety. not knowing what to do. finding myself slowly slipping away.

but maybe.

maybe in the future, i’ll be okay. maybe then, my doubts will have gone away and my faith will have been made stronger than ever before. maybe by then, i’ll have grown a ton. maybe by then, i’ll be a lot better at hearing God’s voice. maybe by then, my faith will be absolutely unbreakable. so here’s to hoping one day i’ll reblog this to say that i have recovered

I spend my nights wondering if you’ll ever come back to me.
—  Maybe, just maybe we weren’t ready for each other yet. Maybe we need to grow, maybe we need to see the world and know that we can be happy alone. Then one day when we have lived, loved and survived our paths will cross again. Maybe then, we will be ready.