from the second I heard those words: “we found a body”
my heart sank.
I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think
and when at least I managed to move all I can think about was a moment that you and I shared years ago over and over.
The same insignificant moment repeats in my head I can’t tell you why.
It was your birthday, your first turn out to play for Maryland, Jamie must’ve been two, he said you didn’t wanna do anything and I insisted on at least having your favourite ice cream, do you remember this?
I got mint chocolate chip and you asked why I thought that was your favourite.
I was so confused;
everytime we got an ice cream together that’s what you always chose!
You told me rocky road was your favourite and you looked at me so tenderly, Nathan,
and you said you always chose chocolate chip because you knew it was my favourite flavour.
And that’s when I realized for the first time that you hadn’t been making any of your decisions for yourself,
you were doing everything for me,
all for your family.
And it occured to me that we still had to learn so much about each other.
And since then Nathan I’ve learnt about the wonderfully selfless strong man you are.
I can’t hear that you’ll never come home again,
that I’ll never learn something new about you again,
never experience your selflessness, your warmth touch again.
have we really had our last conversation? our last kiss? I don’t know what I’d do if… please.”
“Keith wanted to go into the school to save that kid, so I let him go, hoping he’d get shot. Let him be the hero, as long as he was a dead hero. And then I thought, why should he be the hero, when it could be me? So I followed him in. Jimmy was crying and Keith was telling him, it gets better, that pain in your heart, that voice in your head that tells you there’s no way out, it’s wrong. It gets better. And I felt like he was talking to me. And in that moment, maybe the most heroic, kindest moment of my big brothers life, I hated him. I hated him more than anyone, or anything. Because nothing had gotten better. That pain was still in my heart. That voice in my head saying there’s no way out was right! And he was standing there, lying to me! And after Jimmy died, I picked up the gun and aimed it at Keith, and he looked at me, and all I could think of was how everything that had gone wrong in my life was his fault. And it wasn’t going to get better until he was gone. Just pull the trigger and it all ends. So I pulled that trigger. And It didn’t end! It got worse. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
↳9.11 Danny Boy ♔ “I thought you said that the final decision in this was up to me. You knew I wouldn’t wanna sell and that’s the whole reason that you flew down here. It wasn’t to check on me or spend time with your little girl. You came here to put on a show. Playing with my boys and this whole father-daughter ‘let’s not talk business’ day, dinner, stories about me when I was a kid. I can’t believe it, I’m just another client to you, another deal you had to close. Julian thought that you could use a push in the right direction, how’s this? Get out. Go. I want you out of here. I cannot believe I am such a sucker. You want Baker Man? Fine, take it. I do not want any part of it. Congratulations, daddy, you closed the deal. Guess what? I can close things, too.”