one of my relatives had a dog like that

Okay, so my family’s been watching the weather channel as of late, and my dad’s shipping hurricanes.


He’s convinced what’s been going on off the coast is just one big soap opera.

You see, you got Jose, who’s been following Irma around like a lovesick puppy dog. And why not? Irma is a big girl, she’s got a great eye, Cat 4, who wouldn’t want a gal like that? However, Irma didn’t seem to be paying much attention to Jose, the poor guy. And by the time Jose even gets to the coast, Irma’s already gone out to sea and died. The love of his life is gone forever! So what does poor Jose do? He goes out to sea to sulk, only to come back in a post-depressive rage over the loss of his true love! He never got to be with his dear Irma (though honestly Irma was already way out of his league to begin with).

But NOW here comes the real twist. Cuz guess who’s come chasing after Jose?

Maria, Jose’s Cat 5 wife who is not happy at all about him running off to be with another woman. (Literally the MINUTE we heard about Maria my dad shouted, “Oh no Jose was married!” I kid you not he’s serious about this.) 

So Jose’s now running from Maria, who’s big and angry and ready to smack him around like no tomorrow and we’re staying tuned til the next episode of our new favorite show.

My dad’s calling it, “As The Tide Turns”. I have no words except these.

who says you need to have a “good” reason to want to learn a language
  • I’d like to learn Dutch bc it sounds surreal and cute and also the writing makes me happy
  • I’d like to learn Estonian bc it is so similar to my language and i cannot wait to discover the similarities its like going to an adventure
  • I want to learn Danish bc its so precious like nice hug in the form of language and im not even a hugger
  • I’d like to learn a sign language (not decided which) bc it is so visual i cant, also try speaking in a loud space or underwater i dare you
  • I’d to learn Greek bc my relative speaks it and sometimes i hear a word and i get flashbacks like one time i saw a dog and remembered the word out of nowhere
  • I wanted to learn Irish bc i had no idea what Irish was like
  • I want to learn even a little bit Latin bc i think it would be cool to have a dog and talk to it in Latin 
  • i just wanna learn a language bc i just want to learn a language

Mafia!Atsushi headcanons // AU (someone asked and I really liked writing this au ??)

Forewarning this universe is dark because, while Atsushi was kind of on the edge of becoming a criminal to survive, I think in order to change his personality to fit the Port Mafia he would need something traumatic to trigger that vast of a mindset change.

{ Background: Dazai found Atsushi on the edge of the port staring blankly at the water, contemplating jumping. Dazai managed to get the story out of him, and how he’d run away from the orphanage because of his ability. During one of his uncontrollable transformations he ended up accidently killing one of the other kids and decided to run away and end his own life. At first Mori allowed Dazai to mentor Atsushi for a little, but decided he was better suited under Kouyou and Chuuya’s watch. By the time Dazai left the Port Mafia, Atsushi had moved high enough to become Akutagawa’s superior, but still acted as a partner rather than a mentor unless the situation called for it. }


• His loyalty to the Port Mafia nearly rivals Chuuya’s. To him they are the people that accepted him despite his short-comings and are the reason he is still breathing. He doesn’t let this loyalty skew his version of morals. If his mission gives him the option of letting a person live rather than killing them he chooses to spare their life. He finds usefulness in people who are not exclusively an enemy or are willing to switch sides. Kouyou taught him to be charismatic and use his words to lull people into switching sides or giving off information, but if he needs to kill an enemy for the better of his family than he does so without hesitating.

• Even though he doesn’t get along well with Akutagawa he understands his feelings towards Dazai and wanting his acceptance. If Chuuya or Kouyou ever left without a word and without recognition he would use the same fuel Akutagawa has to keep going. But, he hates Akutagawa’s recklessness and impulsivity.  Especially if it means unnecessary deaths. There have been multiple occasions of them fighting each other after Akutagawa makes a decision without discussing it with Atsushi.

• Atsushi wasn’t surprised when Dazai left, and he is one of the few people who isn’t angry with him. Even after discovering he left to be a part of the Armed Detective Agency. He is, however, a bit jealous that Dazai has the ability to let his past crimes fall to the wayside and not stop him from moving forward. Atsushi sometimes wonders if he could do the same, but he feels such a strong tie to the Port Mafia he figures he doesn’t know if he would be able to fight against them if he needed to.

• Atsushi lived with Chuuya before he became an executive. Chuuya taught him how to cook and how to press a dress shirt, and Kouyou taught him proper table manners. The first time Chuuya got him drunk he ended up throwing up in a potted plant at a very important political party and fell asleep in the kitchen. Chuuya didn’t allow him to drink anything for a few months, and Atsushi wasn’t exactly upset about that decision.

• Even without his tiger strength Atsushi is extremely agile and strong. Being so malnourished and frail from the orphanage Kouyou immediately put him on a diet to supplement the loss and had him train with Chuuya. Being his mentor, Chuuya felt it very important that he learn martial arts as his ability could greatly benefit from that knowledge. There are some instances Atsushi doesn’t really need to transform to punch someone through a wall, but he always does when he and Akutagawa are fighting each other.

• Atsushi isn’t a big fan of Mori. He sees him as his boss and respects him, but there is a vibe Mori gives off that makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. It’s not something Atsushi dwells on, but he does hate being left alone in Mori’s present. He’s entirely awkward and suddenly loses all the guidance Kouyou gave to him about proper conversation.

• Atsushi was against bringing Kyouka into the Port Mafia, because he really hated bringing children in that hadn’t done something unforgivable (according to his own standards) beforehand. He had already taken a life when Dazai found him but Kyouka was just alone. Instead of letting Akutagawa handle her training Atsushi pulled rank and decided to look after her along with Kouyou. Another fight broke out because of this, and Chuuya slammed them both into the ground until they both agreed to shut the fuck up and go home.

• Gin was appointed to the black lizard and trained as an assassin because of Atsushi. At that point in time Akutagawa had no pull, and instead of letting her rot in the slums Atsushi suggested bringing her in to the Port Mafia after Dazai left. Gin and he are relatively close, and he’s one of the few people Gin talks to at work, as long as they’re alone.

Give the People What They Want

here’s my first fic of the seven that are going up this week!

An accidental like on Twitter brings Dan more than he bargained for.

“Hey guys! I’m joined today by Dan, and we’re going to be doing the chapstick challenge!”

aka the one where Dan and Phil try to do the chapstick challenge and it doesn’t exactly go as planned

words: 2.8k

tags: chapstick challenge, friends to lovers, fluff, making out, slight grinding but no real smut

read it on ao3

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Creepypasta #1144: Killing Strays

Length: Medium

I’ll start off by just plainly letting you all know I’ve killed someone. It was in self-defense, but that didn’t make it any easier.

There was a homeless man that lived down the street from my apartment building. His “home” was a park bench, and I would sit with him occasionally, give him a few bucks, keep him company, and just try to let him feel human since no one else ever paid him much more than a contemptuous glance in his direction.

Guy was his name, which is kind of fitting for a man without much of an identity. He used to tell me about his life, or at least tell me what he could remember. He spoke slowly, as if he was waiting for the memories to catch up to what he wanted to say. I never really got a full story from him those days on the bench.

He could’ve been drugged out or alcoholic, but I didn’t really mind. I figured he could use someone that just wanted to listen. It wasn’t my place to judge his life, which I guess is an ironic thing to say considering…

Anyway, it was last March, and I had gotten up at around 2am to take a piss. I walked out of the bedroom, and right there in the hallway some shadowy figure was frozen like a deer in headlights.

Seconds tick by slowly when you’re confronted with an intruder like that. Home is safety. Home is personal. Someone was violating my personal safety. That someone charged me, and before I knew what had happened, I had been tackled to the carpet.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” The voice of the shadow was one of desperation. “I need the money. Please, I need the money. They’ll kill me.”

I recognized the voice but couldn’t immediately place it, and it was too dark to make out who was wrestling me to the floor. I shimmied away, kicking in every direction until the figure yelped and recoiled. There was a gun in my bedside table, and once I made it there and grabbed the thing, I didn’t hesitate.

Two quick shots, and the pleading voice fell silent.

I turned on the light.

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I still think my first word is one of the funniest parts of my early childhood development, but also shows how kids often develop (or try to develop) vocabulary relative to their situation.

I did start talking in general early for a child, and had context for a lot of nouns since mom regularly carried me around the house and told me the names of shit in the house. Dog, chair, banana, and so on.

My first word, however, was a verb. A past tense verb even.


I wasn’t quite as picky as a baby as I am now, but I did not like to eat a lot in a single sitting. So the first word I figured out how to use was the one to communicate I was DONE, done done done, and would not be eating anymore.

The second word was NO which I am told was initially used to emphasize the DONE. (”Dada” was regulated to third and they’re not sure when “ma” got in there). After that I started picking up other words pretty fast, but my mom is still deeply amused that my first word was DONE. Apparently Ps and Js (and soft Gs) were my main stumbling blocks, which since I really, really liked Apple Juice could lead to some issues.

Still, the beginning of DONE is one of my fav childhood stories.

thank you guys sm for 75 followers!! 

tagged by the great @its-all-baloney-now

Name: jay.

Nickname: gimpy/gimp/gimpster (i broke my leg once lmao).

Gender: male.

Height: 5′7″…ish. im a short boye.

Sexuality: the one that includes everyone.

Hogwarts house: ravenclaw

Favourite animal: canines, lizards, and rabbits.

Average hour of sleep: on a good night where my sleep issues dont act up, anywhere from 4hrs-6hrs

Dogs or Cats?: dogs all the way.

Dream trip: eh. havent ever thought about it. maybe somewhere in canada or someplace probably relatively different than the usa like seoul, tokyo,

Dream Job: uhh DREAM would be a job in the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. but more realistic dream job would be a criminalist or CSI

When I made my blog:  i think last month sometime, but i’ve had personal/private tcc and partially tcc blogs in the past.

Reason for my URL: jeffrey dahmer. his apartment number. botta bam botta bing.

people whomst i tag (sorry if you’ve already been tagged): @vampirebundy @peachyydevil @serialkillerontherun @dahmersbeer @daaahmer @dahm-sub @dammitdahmer


Okay, I just wanna talk about Sirius and Lily for a second. It’s a huge head cannon of mine that they were the brotp of all brotps.

James and Sirius were so similar, I think that Sirius couldn’t have helped but love Lily too. Except that his love was purely, 100% platonic and sibling like. 

Sirius casting off the ideas of his family, under the influence of not only James, but Lily too. Lily, who was thrown into a world where she would face extreme prejudice on a daily basis, would sit in the Library for hours, looking for a reason why. Frustrated, she would rant to Marlene every night, saying “I just don’t understand, there’s no evidence showing that muggleborns are any different! It’s not fair!” Marlene, a half blood, nodded sympathetically. Sirius spent most of his time in the common room horsing around with James, while Remus helped Peter study, was left quiet one night when James was in the Hospital Wing with the flu. He sat at a table with Remus, but was drawn into Lily’s rant. He listened with growing attention, because maybe she was right. 

They didn’t speak much, but in 3rd year, when Lucius Malfoy called her mudblood and hassled her in Hogsmeade, because “mudbloods don’t belong in an all wizarding village” and Lily began to draw up her wand to show him just what this ‘mudblood’ could do (Lily would have cursed the absolute shit out of bigots), Sirius yanked her away, out of the bar and away from Severus (who was silent through the whole exchange). She was furious at first, but when Sirius dropped the word revenge witha glint in his eye, she found herself agreeing to the idea.

Lucius Malfoy’s hair was a putrid rainbow for 3 weeks before it could be fixed. 

They were friendly enough from that day forward, occasionally venting their frustrations by working on a prank together. They wondered if there was a specific label for “a person that I’m not altogether wild about but we still harass people together”.

When Sirius was furious (but secretly crushed) that Regulus had been sorted into Slytherin, it was Lily that reminded him that he was only 5 seconds away from being a hatstall; Regulus couldn’t have been all Slytherin. Sirius resolved to hope.

When Petunia returned Lily’s letters unopened (after an incident with a biting teacup over the holidays) Sirius reminded Lily that sometimes your family sucks. “It’s not your fault that your sister is a bitch,” he reasoned. Lily took offense to the insult to her sister, but giggled a little bit. 

They weren’t friends, per se, but they had an understanding. They looked out for each other, and felt a bond over the whole outcast thing.

It was the day by the lake that changed everything.

Lily slipped out of the tower that night (she was no goody two shoes, she knew her way around at night) and silently made her way down to the kitchens. She hadn’t been able to sleep, and was beginning to feel the need to cry. Rather than wallow in her bed, she decided a good cry required a bucket of ice cream to go along with it. 

She was surprised and at first furious to see Sirius there (he had played an inexcusable role in the whole mess), but then she noticed the bottle of fire whiskey in his hand. He was drunk.

There was a screaming match about it all. She screamed at him for humiliating Severus, and he returned that the slimy git deserved it. She insisted that no, no one deserved to be treated like that, and Sirius rolled his eyes. She raged on, until Sirius snapped “He’s joining the Death Eaters Lil! Stop treating him like a fucking lost puppy, he’s a fucking death eater!” and Lily stopped. Her eyes were wide, not wanting to accept the truth.

“Just because he had a boner for you doesn’t mean he’s not a bigoted prick,” Sirius mumbled, and Lily snatched the liquor away. Sirius was going to protest, but he laughed when Lily took a swig. She knew Severus was no good, but she hadn’t wanted to accept it. Hearing Sirius say it in such vulgar language made it concrete, obvious. How could she have been so stupid?

They stayed up all night that night, talking. Lily cried, but Sirius handed her some tissues and let her. He talked, yelled, held back tears over his family, explaining it all to her. The pure blood mania, the neglect and abuse, his being half an inch away from being disowned, everything. They got absolutely plastered, and woke up the next day with raging hangovers.

Sirius didn’t like how Lily had cried over Severus. It wasn’t right. Which is why when Severus pestered him about Remus, he sent him down to the Whomping Willow on the last full moon of their 5th year. 

James, Remus, and even Peter were all furious. When Sirius went home for the summer, it looked as if none of his friends would ever speak to him again. He was miserable.

That summer, at the end of July, his parents kicked him out. It wasn’t the last time, he wasn’t disowned yet. Just kicked out, nowhere to sleep for the night. With his eye more damp than he would have liked, he found Lily’s house by flipping though a muggle directory and figuring out the train system. 

Lily was shocked to say the least when Sirius showed up at her bedroom window, but she let him in. She let him mope and yell (she cast a silencing spell on her door, so Tuney wouldn’t hear) before he finally broke down about his horrible, wretched mistake. Lily told him yes, he had done a terrible thing, but he needed to go fix it like a man. Drama queen that he was, Sirius insisted that they would never forgive him. Lily rolled her eyes, grabbed the car keys, and all but kidnapped him, and drove him to Potter Manor. Sirius was nearly in a panic at this point, but she said “They’ve probably already forgiven you, mate. Just apologize so they can do it officially. 

She waits in the car, and when she sees James hug Sirius in the doorway, she drives away.

Their 6th year, the 2 of them are joined at the hip. The more they actually talk together, the more they find in common. Sirius allows Lily to play with his hair when they’re lazing about the common room, Sirius throws Lily over his shoulder on more than one occasion, they work together in potions, and she spends hours teaching him about motor cycles and other muggle inventions (he’s fascinated and carefully takes notes, gleefully planning ways to torment his parents and relatives). They give each other mock presents (dog treats and a collar after she learned about Padfoot, he gave her a horrid fake Lily) and real ones (she gave him a motorcycle helmet, he gave her a baby kitten named Leo because she had always wanted one).

James was a little jealous because Sirius knew how much he loved Lily, but everyone though Sirius and Lily were just the cutest thing but Sirius laughed and called her his baby sister. Lily threw a book at his head and said "Please, you’re my baby brother”. Both were true because they protected and loved each other like siblings. 

But Sirius never loved her in a romantic way, even though he let Lily wear his prized jacket, so he insisted to Lily that James wasn’t that bad. After 3 weeks of ignoring Sirius’ nagging, she quietly said “I know”

Sirius was basically the biggest Jily shipper out there. He knew they were perfect for each other and went to crazy lengths to get them together. 

Finally he locked them in a broom closet and refused to let them out for a really long time.

It worked. Lily was furious, but it worked.

When they got married, Sirius got the 2nd dance with Lily. 

It was Lily that immediately decided that Sirius was to be the godfather of her child. 

James couldn’t have married someone who didn’t get along with his best friend/brother. They were best friends too. 

I neeeeeeed more Sirius Lily brotp stuff.

sorry for the long post

The Little Mermaid

Anon Request: Reader turns into a mermaid whenever she gets wet. She has kept it a secret, but Sam accidentally spills water on her, and she is unable to get out in time. The boys discover her secret.

A/N: This is by far the most unique request I’ve had. I love the idea, and I hope I did it justice!

“What the hell?” Dean’s voice sounded shocked, and a bit angry. Sam didn’t say a word. He just stood over me, frozen, the empty glass still in his hands.
Everybody has secrets, right? That’s what I always told myself. It made me feel a little more normal if I thought about all the big secrets other people might be hiding. Probably none as big as mine, though. Not very many people turned into a mermaid when they got wet.
It happened for the first time when I was just a baby, according to my mom. Apparently, all the women in my family had this fun trick, and she wasn’t a bit surprised when it happened. It really wasn’t a big deal. I just avoided pool parties, stayed inside when it rained, and made sure to lock the door to the bathroom when I showered somewhere other than my home. It was inconvenient, but so far hadn’t held me back from anything important.
That was before I moved in with Sam and Dean Winchester. We had been hunting together for a while, and they thought it would be easier if I just lived in the bunker with them. They were right, of course, so I had ignored my instincts and gone along with it. For the first few months, things had been fine. Not even a close call.
But tonight at dinner, it had all fallen apart. Sam had reached across the table for the salt and accidentally knocked his full glass of water straight into my lap. He caught the glass before it hit the ground, but I was already running toward the door. I only had a few seconds before my legs were a huge fin. That’s not something you can explain away, so my only option was to sprint and hope I made it to my room in time.
I didn’t. I fell in the kitchen doorway, my blue jeans in shreds and my shiny, green-blue fin flopping. Crap.
I could feel my face heat up with embarrassment and shame. Now they knew I was a freak. They wouldn’t hurt me, but I knew I wouldn’t be welcome anymore.
After the initial shock wore off, Sam knelt down beside me. I tried pathetically to push myself away.
“You’re…you’re a mermaid?” He said the word like it was crazy. Like he didn’t live and breathe crazy.
“Well, only when I’m wet.” I answered in a small voice. I couldn’t look him in the eye, and I thought the silence was going to deafen me.
“Y/N, you’re kind of…beautiful.”
I wasn’t sure I had heard Sam correctly. Beautiful? I mean, I liked the way my fin glistened and reflected the light like diamonds, but I had my whole life to get used to it. I was still a weird half-fish. ] I nervously looked up into Sam’s hazel eyes. He was smiling down at me.
“You’re serious?” I asked hesitantly. “You don’t think I’m a freak?”
“Because you have a fin sometimes? I was a car once, and a demon blood addict, and soulless.” He looked at Dean, who swallowed hard, but was also smiling.
“I was a demon. And a dog. ‘Freak’ is a very relative term. You might actually be the most normal of us.” Dean’s voice was a little shaky, but kind.
My heart felt like it was going to explode. I had been hiding my whole life, afraid for anyone to really see me. Now, being seen didn’t seem so bad. Not when I was being looked at the way the Winchesters were looking at me.
Maybe some secrets needed to be shared.


My favorite period in Earth’s history

is every moment you’ve ever smiled at me haha

god, i’m only kidding

my favorite period in Earth’s history is the first time it rained

(i hate all the rest of the periods)

the first time it rained on planet earth with actual, regular water

i mean

i hate the times it rained irregular things from the sky (ex. lava) i only love the regular rain

the first time it did the regular rain, it lasted for 13 years and everyone alive learned to love it

also it rained not in one place or two places

but everywhere at once

just clean, new water

all over

which was nice

my favorite period in Earth’s history began the exact moment i was born and ends the precise

moment when my body is fed to dogs

haha, i’m only kidding again dogs would never eat me

they respect me too much

my favorite period in Earth’s history began

a long time ago and lasted several hundred years

which was a short while

all considered

during this period there was

relative calm no mountains had come

from inside the earth to visit forever

everything was plains and fields

and flowers and the newest, freshest scents

on the wind

like memories no one had had yet

but we were all excited to try

and all the animals that exist now, existed then

but were small

small enough to hold inside my mouth

only two inches big

maybe three, MAX

a tiny horse might be three inches big

which was huge

at the time

and explains how they got

so full of themselves

but who can blame them


just picture it in your head:

a troop of tiny horses, cascading across the plains

it’s fantastic

and all the bugs were even tinier

and smiling even tinier bug­smiles

which is great

if you ask me

and all the humans got eaten all the time

or got lost in the grass

or trampled

which i’m also comfortable with

taylorswift HI TAY. I’m also named Taylor, SOOOO our parents are pretty awesome. ANYWAYS, I’m 19 and live in Michigan and still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I graduated high school in 2014 and started college last year but I literally have no idea on what classes to take. It’s very struggling and I wish there was a way to look in the future and see what I’m doing, career wise. I love to do a whole bunch of things, working with kids, dogs, animals and I love baking. All things that aren’t relatively close to each other!! I’m a bank teller, presently, just had my one year anniversary.. I don’t know if it could be a future for me, as I kinda suck at math like A LOT. I’m taking classes for Management in the fall, working full time and try to maintain the two friendships I have lol. Fingers crossed on not losing my head! Well lady, this is me. Nice to know you, and now you know a little about me and my craziness!!! Love you!!

(The other) Taylor

Life is good right now

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed or stressed out about something I take a step back to look at the big picture of my life and realize, at current, I really don’t have anything to worry about. I have a nice roof over my head (the first place to deserve the title “home” in a long while), a good and stable job (doing something I love and am good at), plenty of love, good health, education and two (2!) dogs. My biggest persistent complaints are that Andrew doesn’t let me take pictures of him and that I don’t take enough vacations, which are relatively minor problems to have in the grand scheme of things. Sure, any one of these things can be snatched away from me at any moment, but I’m not going to live my life thinking that they will because I won’t be able to enjoy them then. And while my clairvoyance abilities are nascent at best I feel like things will just improve from here. Not saying I had a difficult childhood or traumatic teenage or anything like that, I’m just overall happier now than I’ve ever been and don’t expect that to change anytime soon.