Do you personally feel much solidarity with gay men? It seems like that's a topic that comes up sometimes, whether you as a lesbian feel more solidarity with gay men vs. straight women, and I was just curious about what you think/feel. I mean obviously as lesbians we feel solidarity most with fellow lesbians, but I don't really relate to picking a 'side' here between gay men vs. straight women as a whole. I have friends of each and neither is perfect tbh. Thanks for your time!!
I don’t feel any solidarity with anyone who thinks lesbians should date men or doesn’t care when others tell lesbians we should date men, so that doesn’t leave many people (it even eliminates some lesbians who are somehow out there advocating for transwomen’s right to rape lesbians.)
I know there are some fights we need to fight with gay men and others that we need to fight with straight women and I’m willing to do so because strength in numbers and all that, but I don’t trust either group to have my back and I won’t go out of my way to support or defend them, I’d rather save my energy for lesbians.
And yes, it seems to be a thing on lesbian tumblr to guilt-trip other lesbians for not feeling any particular kinship with gay men. it’s baffling. They’re still men. In general I find gay men to be very entitled to lesbians’ help and support in all circumstances, but it never occurs to them to return the favour. And it’s always a bit frustrating to see lesbians devote so much time and energy to coddling and defending gay men with next to zero reciprocation. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen lesbians defend drag queens when het radfems were calling them misogynistic - when was the last time you saw a gay man passionately defend an aspect of lesbian culture, like go after a libfem for saying butch / femme is heteronormative?
Ultimately gay men do not care about lesbians’ problems and neither do het women. The cotton ceiling has been a big eye opener for me - gay men literally do not care about it except in the very, very rare cases where trans rape rhetoric directly targets them. As long as it only targets lesbians, they’re fine with it. Same for het women - when you ask radfems about their “peak trans” stories, the vast majority of lesbians say that finding out about the cotton ceiling was the last straw, whereas many bi and het former libfems were somehow able to overlook the fact that advocating for the corrective rape of lesbians is a core issue of trans activism, and only reached peak trans over issues that directly affected them, like being called people with vaginas.
I mean, there was a straight woman earlier today calling a lesbian a bigot for not wanting dick, and then being baffled and disgusted when told that, by that same logic, she was a bigot if she didn’t like vaginas. It reminded me of that time a gay man was spouting nonsense about TERFs, comparing lesbians’ reaction to the cotton ceiling to straight men’s “gay panic”, and arguing that transwomen are “biological females” - and, when lesbians asked him if, by his own logic, he would be willing to have sex with a “biologically male” trans man, he was incredibly offended and threw a fit about how homophobic that question was. It’s almost funny how gay men and het women just have no idea how to deal with being treated like a lesbian even for 5 minutes. They’re so shocked and upset whenever it happens.
(And it reminds me of the incredibly othering and dehumanising attitude libfems and male feminists have towards “sex workers”, tbh. They are more than happy to advocate for other women’s “choice to do sex work” but they get weirdly offended when you ask them if they would like to prostitute themselves or for their mother or daughter to be a prostitute. Expecting another group of people to be happy to do a thing that you are not willing to do yourself because you would personally find it degrading and unthinkable usually indicates that you see that other group of people as less human than you, less deserving of dignity, respect, boundaries.)
Neither that gay man nor the straight woman from this morning were attacked by trans activists for very clearly stating that they are not interested in female genitals, of course.
Anyway, this is just one example but it happens all the time, and not only when it comes to trans stuff - straight women know they can deflect some of the hatred they get from misogynists by letting lesbians be the main targets instead, and gay men know they can deflect some of the hatred they get from homophobes by letting lesbians be the main targets instead, and both groups are more than happy to protect themselves this way, by making sure hateful people remain focused on lesbians. So I don’t see much difference between the two in their attitudes towards us and I don’t feel much solidarity with either group.