one day i'm going to get over all my weird about doing this

Basically, This is Basically What Every Dr. Phil Episode is Basically Like Basically
  • Dr. Phil: Hello, I am Doctor Philip, and today we'll be tackling an issue that is very widespread, but rarely spoken about. Gaming addiction. Now, I know many of you know at least one person in your life who plays video games, whether that be a child or, in some cases, a spouse.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: But, when unregulated, gaming can lead to serious addiction. Today I have with me a mother who's home life has been torn apart as her very own son descended into gaming addiction.
  • Mother: *sniffing and wiping tears away* Hello, doctor. Will you cure my son?
  • Dr. Phil: Well, dear, that's... uhh. Let's just bring the boy out already.
  • *dramatic music plays*
  • Gamer: My name is Gregg, I'm 19 years old, I'm a gaming addict, and I don't give a f*ck.
  • Audience: *gasps*
  • Gamer: Yeah, I game for 19 to 20 hours a day and the other four hours I use for looking up sick gaming strats or beating it to anime porn. I once sucked off a dude because he offered me minecraft diamonds. I don't give a sh*t, I would've sucked him off even if he didn't have the diamonds.
  • Audience: *gasps louder*
  • Gamer: Do I hate women? Yes, I hate women. I've emailed Anita Sarkeesian my address. She knows where I am if she wants to fight me. Feminists, square the fuck up. People always ask why I don't do anything other than gaming. I ask them why don't they mind their own f*cking business. I don't think I have a problem. Dr. Phil can honestly eat my whole an*s.
  • Gamer: *walks out onto the stage*
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: F*ck all y'all! I don't give a f*ck! *flips off the audience*
  • Dr. Phil: Please take a seat, son.
  • Gamer: *sits very disrespectfully*
  • Mother: *starts bawling*
  • Dr. Phil: Son, do you think that was acceptable behavior?
  • Gamer: The only behavior I care about is the behavioral patterns for enemies in the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series. I love video games: Master chief, Mario, uhm, Blinx the Cat... Blasto. Love those guys!
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: I don't care! You think I care! F*ck all y'all!
  • Dr. Phil: All these people are booing you, doesn't that make you feel bad?
  • Gamer: Are you deaf? Have I not articulated the fact that I absolutely 100% do not care about anything except for video games? I. DON'T. GIVE. A. F*CK.
  • Mother: He's always like this, there's no changing him. It didn't used to be this way... just *starts bawling harder*
  • Dr. Phil: I think there is a way to change him, and we'll find out more about that after these messages.
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays*
  • *The lights dim and every goes empty eyed and slack-jawed*
  • Gamer: Heh, this is weird. *nudges mom and whispers to her* Hey, we're getting paid for this, right. Hey, mom? ...Mom?
  • Mother: *completely unresponsive*
  • Dr. Phil: *completely unresponsive*
  • Audience: *completely unresponsive*
  • Gamer: Heh... this is REALLY weird. *looks around nervously*
  • Audience member: Hey!
  • Gamer: Huh?
  • Audience Member: I'm in the audience! Over here! My arms are strapped to the chair! You have to help me!
  • Gamer: *runs to the audience member*
  • Audience Member: Thank god, I thought I was the only one here left with any brains.
  • Gamer: *hastily undoing the straps* What the fuck is going on?
  • Audience Member: I don't know, but this definitely isn't Dr. Phil's show.
  • Gamer: Then what is it?
  • Audience Member: No clue, but we have to get out of here before the commercial breaks ends.
  • Gamer: *successfully undoes the straps*
  • Audience Member: C'mon! Let's go. *grabs the gamer by the arm*
  • Gamer: *resists* Wait a fucking minute. Why am I supposed to trust you?
  • Audience Member: Because I'm normal and everyone else is braindead if you haven't noticed.
  • Gamer: Yeah, but I'm not going anywhere until I know what's going on. Being on Dr. Phil is a huge opportunity for me to, y'know, advertise my brand. I'm a gamer if you haven't noticed.
  • Audience Member: Are you insane? Have you had a look around you? Does this anything happening right now seem normal to you? Who cares about your "brand". Do you even remember how you got here?
  • Gamer: Well... now that you mention, I can't really remember exactly.
  • Audience Member: Yeah, now let's get the fuck out of here.
  • *the gamer and audience member run through the back exit into the hallways*
  • *the Dr. Phil theme blares as the show returns from commercial break*
  • Gamer: My ears!
  • Audience Member: Move it! *jerks gamer's arm*
  • Gamer: Okay, calm down.
  • *the entire audience screams in unison*
  • Gamer: What the fuck is that!?
  • Audience Member: It's the reason we're running! Quick, in here!
  • *the duo duck into a cramped broom closest*
  • Gamer: Listen, you have to tell me what the fuck is going on right now!
  • Audience Member: Shh.
  • Gamer: Don't shush me!
  • Audience Member: *covers the gamer's mouth*
  • *agonized screaming and violently rumbling passes by the broom closest*
  • Gamer: Holy shit!
  • Audience Member: Stop yelling.
  • Gamer: How can I not yell when it sounds the gates of hell just passed by us!
  • Audience Member: You want it to turn back around and find us?
  • Gamer: Alright. I'll calm down... I'll. *start sobbing*
  • Audience Member: Please, please stop crying. You're too loud.
  • Gamer: I can't! I'm under a lot of stress!
  • Audience Member: You'll be dead if you don't shut the fuck.
  • Gamer: I never wanted any of this, I just wanted to go on Dr. Phil so people would recognize me on YouTube and I could become a popular Let's Player!
  • Audience Member: If you don't shut up right now, I'll-
  • *a snake bites the audience member's neck*
  • Audience Member: *eyes roll up*
  • Gamer: *screams like a baby*
  • *snakes slither under the closet door*
  • Gamer: *stumbles out of the closet and falls into hallway covered with snakes* Fuck me! Fuck me!
  • Gamer: *attempts to run away but falls beneath the snakes and into and empty void*
  • *agonized screaming echoes from all around*
  • Gamer: Am I in hell? I have to be in hell. You don't fall through a pool of snakes and wind up anywhere else but hell.
  • Dr. Phil: THERE IS NO HELL.
  • Gamer: Doc, is that you? If this isn't hell then where am I?
  • Dr. Phil: YOU'RE IN MY REALM SON. *Dr. Phil's face appears glowing in the distance, his eyes are empty sockets and his mouth hangs open*
  • Gamer: What the fuck are you?
  • Dr. Phil: I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • Gamer: You're not Dr. Phil!
  • Dr. Phil: I NEVER SAID I WAS, SON. *a wall of gray human bodies lights up surrounding Dr. Phil's massive head, dr. phil's giant snake body slithers towards the gamer and opens its third eye* I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • *the wall of bodies screams in unison as Dr. Phil devours the gamer*
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays loudly*
  • Dr. Phil: THE NEXT EPISODE IS STARTING. I'M LATE. *slithers into the wall of bodies and his snake body slowly transforms into a normal Dr. Phil's body*
  • Dr. Phil: *crawls onto the stage*
  • Dr. Phil: *dusts himself off* Woo, I went on quite an adventure.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: I'm glad we can all find some time in our lives to laugh, but today's episode is covering something that is most certainly not a laughing matter. It's one of the most serious addictions striking America today and it's rarely talked about. I'm talking about people who love to pee on their mattresses and then pay people exorbitant amounts of money to suck their disgusting mattresses clean.
  • Audience: ... *someone clears their throat*
  • Dr. Phil: What's the matter?
  • Cameraguy: Spsss, Doc. That's not what the episode is about. It's about people with terrible gambling issues.
  • Dr. Phil: Oh, ah, fuck! Cut to commercial!
101 fluffy prompts
  • FALLING IN LOVE
  • 001: "You're really soft."
  • 002: "You smell nice."
  • 003: "I'm here for my daily fix of hugs and kisses."
  • 004: "Is it possible to love too much?"
  • 005: "I don't wanna get up-- you're comfy."
  • 006: "I will always be there protect you."
  • 007: "I'm cold. Come closer."
  • 008: "I love you a lot, but please stop trying to cook me dinner, you suck.”
  • 009: "The stars look especially lovely tonight."
  • 010: "I've never seen such gorgeous eyes before."
  • 011: "May I have this dance?"
  • 012: "I can't stop thinking about you."
  • 013: "You'll never feel alone with me by your side."
  • 014: "Let's get to know each other over dinner."
  • 015: "All I want is you."
  • 016: "I could never leave you, I love you too much!"
  • 017: "A fairytale with a happy ending always brings a smile to my face."
  • 018: "I want to hear you sing."
  • 019: "I don't think anyone could ever be as lovely as you."
  • 020: "You look incredible in that."
  • 021: "He/She's quite stunning, isn't he/she?"
  • 022: "Sometimes I just can't control myself when around you."
  • 023: "Do you believe in love at first sight?"
  • 024: "I think I'm in love."
  • 025: "I’d like it if you stayed.
  • 026: "People are jerks, but not you."
  • 027: "I'll share the blankets with you."
  • 028: "I have never felt this way about anyone."
  • 029: "I want this to never end..."
  • 030: "Can I kiss you?"
  • LIVING TOGETHER
  • 031: "I waxed the floors, grab your fluffy socks."
  • 032: "Who changed the thermostat settings? I’m freezing to death."
  • 033: "Can we just watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch?"
  • 034: "You can put your cold feet on me."
  • 035: "Your stray red item turned my whites pink."
  • 036: "A thunderstorm is rolling through town and you’re scared of lightening/thunder so I’ll protect you."
  • 037: "There was a power outage and now we have to have dinner by candlelight."
  • 038: "Rock Paper Scissors to see who has to go talk to the neighbors upstairs for being too loud."
  • 039: "I just came home to you crying while watching a movie, please tell me what’s going on."
  • 040: "Our AC is out and it’s the middle of the summer."
  • 041: "You found me crying on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night surrounded by a shattered jelly jar."
  • 042: "My parents are coming over in 10 minutes so please put some clothes on"
  • 043: "We’re repainting the apartment and going to the hardware store together to pick out color swatches."
  • 044: "IF YOU USE UP ALL THE HOT WATER ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO BAN YOU TO THE COUCH FOR A MONTH."
  • 045: "We’re watching Toy Story 3 and we can’t stop crying."
  • WEDDINGS/PROPOSALS
  • 046: "I caught the bouquet"
  • 047: "My ex just invited me to their wedding and I need you to be my date so it doesn’t look like I’ve spent the last few years failing to get over them."
  • 048: "We accidentally got married in Vegas oops"
  • 049: "I’m really drunk, please help me get safely out of the way so I don’t ruin our friend’s wedding."
  • 050: "I planned out this super romantic proposal and you just ruined it by beating me to whole proposing thing."
  • 051: "I wasn’t planning on asking you, but it appeared to me that life is short. Will you marry me? "
  • 052: "If you shove cake in my face this will be the worst wedding night of your life."
  • 053: "Do you take this man/woman to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife? "
  • 054: "May I have this dance, wife/husband? "
  • 055: "You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so happy I can finally call you my wife/husband."
  • 056: "I jokingly told you that the only way I’d marry you was if you did this weird outlandish thing, and you actually did it, and I’m kind of charmed."
  • 057: "This is probably a bad time, but marry me?"
  • MARRIED LIFE
  • 058: "We’ve become the clingy newlyweds you always complained about. "
  • 059: "Your ‘miracle hangover cure’ couldn’t possibly beat mine."
  • 060: "I know you haven’t had the best experience with dogs in the past but look at its face please please can we keep it?"
  • 061: "I wanted to surprise you for our anniversary, but everything that could go wrong, did go wrong."
  • 062: "I beat you at Mario Kart and now you're banishing me to the couch for the night?”
  • 063: "I surprised you with tickets to see our favorite band… WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SURPRISED ME WITH TICKETS TO SEE THEM TOO?"
  • 064: "I know we had a big fight but we still need to decorate the house for the holidays."
  • 065: "Oh! Hey! Could you come and taste this to see if it's okay?"
  • 066: "We’re arguing over book versus movie."
  • 067: "I came home to a Nerf gun on the front porch and a note that says ‘Here is your weapon. I have one too. Loser cooks dinner. Good luck. xo’"
  • 068: "We’ve been celebrating our wedding anniversary on the wrong day for the past nine years."
  • 069: "You had a business trip and I missed you so much that I kind of tore up the house in your absence like a dog with separation anxiety… sorry?"
  • 070: "We both have nowhere else to be so we get to spend our rare day off at home."
  • PREGNANCY
  • 071: "I bet it’s a girl/boy."
  • 072: "Do you think it’s possible that I…might be… pregnant? "
  • 073: "I thought I was pregnant but the test must have been wrong. I’m not. "
  • 074: "You’re lucky I’m pregnant!"
  • 075: "Can you help me up, your child is pretty heavy."
  • 076: "I could really use a foot rub right now."
  • 077: "Your dad is really excited to meet you soon, it’s driving me crazy."
  • 078: "Do you wanna know the sex of the baby?"
  • 079: "The baby’s kicks are keeping me up at night."
  • 080: "Did you feel that?"
  • 081: "I can’t fit into my favorite dress anymore. "
  • 082: "OH MY GOD I’M GOING INTO LABOR. WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!
  • 083: "I can’t be pregnant… or….OH MY GOD! "
  • 084: "I think you might be pregnant.”
  • 085: "It’s 2 am but you’re craving cake and we’re both up anyway so let’s bake in our underwear."
  • PARENTING
  • 086: "I knew it was a mistake to get the twins matching clothes."
  • 087: "Sh…they’re asleep."
  • 088: "I think someone had a little accident with the finger paint."
  • 089: "Mondays are your diaper days."
  • 090: "Our kid is totally the one who wanted to build a pillow fort, not me."
  • 091: "Ooh…someone’s got a tummy ache."
  • 092: "Are you sure you don’t want me to drop them off myself? I don’t think you could handle seeing them off alone."
  • 093: "I told you we should have just gotten that German Shepherd puppy."
  • 094: "What do you think for their punishment? Grounding? No video games? No going out for a week?"
  • 095: "Mm…your kid before five in the morning."
  • 096: "Come on now, I think you’re being too harsh. He/she’s just a kid. Remember all of the stupid things we used to do when we were their age?"
  • 097: "So, how should we break the news that they’re going to have a new baby brother or sister?"
  • 098: "I think we should have another."
  • 099: "Why wasn’t I invited to your wedding?"
  • 100: "Okay fine, one more story, but then you really have to go to bed."
  • 101: "…They just grow up so fast."
Hogwarts Headcannons
  • Give me Dean, muggleborn that he is, imitating Steve Irwin in Care of Magical Creatures class, much to everyone's confusion except for Harry and Hermione who are. On the ground. Unable to breathe. And refusing to explain why.
  • Give me Harry, demisexual that he is, realizing that the reason he can't stop obsessing over Draco is because Draco is the one who saw - and subsequently disliked - 'Harry', and not The Boy Who Lived. Realizing that Draco was the only one to first talk to him for HIM, in that robe shop, and not his parents or fame (because even Ron and Hermione did that at first). And thus, leading to him randomly starting crying in the middle of lunch and claiming he's doomed, much to everyone's fear.
  • Give me Seamus, pyro that he is, super happy one Christmas when Hermione buys him a book on fire caution, flammable materials, and elements such as magnesium. Thus afterward, the mysterious fires that have always happened are far more safe and controlled.
  • Give me Luna, wonderful airhead that she is, being stared at as, calm as anything, she waltzes right into the Slytherin common room and starts talking to the mermaids like its absolutely normal. A first year drops a book he's staring so hard, because HOW DID SHE KNOW THE PASSWORD. Draco just sighs, gets up, goes over to her, and offers her tea.
  • Give me Draco. Who looks on as Neville offers Harry rhubarb pie that he made himself, as Harry stares forlornly at his Treacle Tart, and makes and annoyed sound. "Dammit Longbottom he hates bittersweets." The Slytherins stare and Pansy just mutters "How do you even know these things. Merlin, help him realize."
  • Give me Parvati, who is being constantly mistaken for her sister by Ron, who panics and screams "IM A LESBIAN" when it gets to be too much.
  • Give me Ron, who stares wide-eyes from a distance whenever he sees Padma from that moment on for a full week, until Padma flips out too and hexes him. Parvati awkwardly wonders why Ron starts getting scared whenever she tries to approach from then on, since she knows Ron doesn't have problems due to that sort of thing from how he handles Harry.
  • Give me the thirty or so of the school's Muggle-raised, who made the mistake of showing their folks howlers, and react accordingly whenever one of the families sends one that is just a recording of Rick Astley, or High School Musical, or spoilers for Doctor Who. And the Wizard-raised just... staring... in fear... watching their savior and multiple other students as they run around screaming and crying in an absolute panic for some reason even though it was a different student that got the weird howler.
  • Give me Harry, whose hair surprises people by being dark red like his mother's when in direct sunlight. And usually at the Weasley den they're inside, but one day Harry joins them outside for a picnic, and Molly is so confused about where Harry went to then has do do a mental tally of her children.
  • Give me George, who in the midst of the final battle, hit Lucius with an Anaticula curse, so that every spell he tries makes a duck instead. And the Death Eaters are just so confused. "Lucius... is that a duck?"
  • Give me the Gryffindor common room. The new first years suggest Monopoly for game night. The entire room goes dead silent. One first year tries to ask what they did wrong. "Never mention that game again," is the only response they get. "But why-" "NEVER TALK ABOUT SIXTH YEAR. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT SIXTH YEAR." Their brave upperclassman Neville yells, trembling. Hermione starts crying. Harry goes into a panic attack. Ron whispers, "There are many reasons we don't talk about sixth year. If The Incident had been the only thing that happened, we would only not talk about The Incident. Many things happened that year. Thus, we do not speak of that year, or of that game."
  • Give me McGonagall, who struggles to control the cat population, because while students are told to have their cats fixed you know not all 100 students that brought cats did so. Her curling up around a litter that lost their mother to illness. Training them to stalk the corridors. Albus had his ways of getting information, and hers is the spy network of cats.
  • Give me muggleborns singing everything from Phantom of the Opera to Katy Perry in the corridors. Singing We Will Rock You to a pureblood who disses them for it. The purebloods thinking the weird songs and their tunes are some kind of Rite of Passage and fleeing whenever a muggleborn student starts singing. Altering song lyrics. "I throw my ferret in the air some-times, singin EEEEEEEYO, this is DRAAAAAACO!"
  • Give me muggleborns that are really confused about the whole quill instead of pens things, throwing transfigured pokeballs in Care of Magical Creatures, the band students bringing kazoos and harmonicas and the wizrd-raised students that are just so confused as to how those things even work, because it must be some sort of air magic, right??
  • Give me muggleborns making entire conversations out of pop culture references specifically to confuse some Slytherin who just called one girl a Mudblood. "These are not the droids you were looking for." "I'm right on top of that now Rose, I promise." -jazz hands-
  • Give me muggleborns with Patronus that are things like Pikachu, velociraptors, the quiet Canadian transfer student with a moose patronus the size of a SMALL HOUSE, the one whose is a angeled-out Castiel, the one whose patronus is the democrat donkey and another the republican elephant and the two, previously best friends, become mortal enemies rivaling the fame of Harry and Draco.
  • Give me muggleborns hugging each other before break, promising to 'call' each other, trading weird codes, how they can't wait to go for 'sushi' or planning that trip together to 'disneyland' where they can go flying?? But no one's allowed magic?? Or flying?? And the wizard-raised think that somehow, shockingly,<i> these children totally new to our world have developed a way to cheat the system?? Muggleborns are badasses!!</i>
  • Give me muggleborns who are fully aware that the anti-tech wards were made when, like, radios barely even existed, much less cellphone towers and microprocessors, so while they can't turn them on inside the stone school walls there's this group that Harry joins constantly that just sit there in silence staring at these tiny things and sometimes randomly laughing hysterically, and every now and then standing and just running all the way across to the other side of the lake all at the same time with no signal whatsoever. The purebloods are <i>terrified</i> of this frequent happening.
  • Give me Harry, Hermione, Dean, and Justin from the D.A, muggleborns they are, doing a movie night every week to help the D.A. relax and bond. They re-start this after the battles, during eighth year, with several other people such as the returned Slytherins joining in. The entire year they play things like Tangled, The Breakfast Club, Brave, Lion King. But then the last four weeks, they announce they don't want to mislead everyone that everything is all fun and rainbows. The last four movies are My Sister's Keeper, The Shining, Marley and Me, and for the last week, a marathon of the entire Jurassic Park series.
  • Give me Hufflepuffs, who secretly are very relieved to be the 'normal' House. Jocks over there, know-it-alls over there, goth wannabees over there, now lets go camp out by the kitchens we're gonna need it to survive the next seven years like this.
  • Give me Ravenclaws who are so done with the riddles when they stumble back at midnight after having fallen asleep in the Library. "What's the truth?" "THE TRUTH IS THAT I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN."
  • Give me the Trio, who use the Marauder's Map to find the most absolutely ridiculous routes to class, knowing every single one of the shortcuts. It's not odd for them to simply appear out of the ceiling. One day the new first years try to follow them, to learn the school better, but it doesn't go so well because then they try to go through a disappearing wall the Trio just did they instead run headfirst into it, and the next time they do behind a tapestry, down a waterside, around some sort of tower, causally past an entire doorless room full of bats, and somehow come out on the complete other side of the castle.
  • Give me Draco whose just completely had it with Harry's staring and confronts him, like they always do, and Harry just blurts out that he likes Draco's new haircut and can he touch his hair, and Draco so shocked he lets him. "Potter stop treating me like a cat I'm evil remember? Bloody hell have you gone daft?!" "But... it's soft..." "I hate you." But he just can't find any anger over this, so there's like no venom whatsoever in it and Harry can't stop giggling.
  • Give me Ginny, who can't stop giggling as Luna confuses the fuck out of an entire crowd with her way of speaking, and who during seventh year could 100% get away with insulting the Death Eaters because of the way she said things. Who after Luna used said tactic to get her out of a Crucio punishment just clung to Luna, shaking, and realizing that she loves Luna so much for this very reason. That there will never be another person like Luna in her life, ever.
  • Give me Harry, who was not really well educated while living at the Dursleys, who couldn't read very well but was wonderful at sneaking around, little tricks like hiding things, and loved music. He taught himself magic tricks, and MERLIN ALMIGHTY THIS 11 YEAR OLD KID HAS MASTERED VANISHING SPELLS, WHAT, HOW, and Percy, uptight prefect he is, just looses it.
  • Give me Ron walking in on Harry talking to some random snake in their dorm room, laughing like the snake said a particularly good joke, tipping his head and smiling as he responds, the python slowly curling up his arm to rest over his shoulder. Ron freezes, stares, and then slowly backs away, closes the door and stands there staring at it for a full half hour in absolute horror.
  • Give me the rest of the D.A. walking into the Room of Requirement and hearing screaming, Dean shrieking that he's going to murder someone, Hermione crying, Justin cursing like a sailor yelling for everyone to stop, and the rest panic and run around the corner and there the four Muggle-raised students are. With some sort of odd device in their hands. Playing Mario Kart.

“Prom was invented just to make girls starve so they can fit in a dress and compete over a stupid title.”

“Uh –” Derek blinks, eyes his sister dubiously, “I’m not a girl?”

Cora huffs. “Whatever.”

In the kitchen Laura bursts out laughing. “Don’t worry.” She yells. “Cora is just jealous she will have to wait five years to go to her own prom.”

“I’m not going!” Cora yells back. “Prom is stupid, I don’t even know why you’re going,” she tells Derek, “it’s not like you know how to have fun.”

Derek raises an eyebrow while Laura just laughs harder. “Oh my god.” Their older sister says. “I stay away for six months and Cora turns into a sassy queen.” She walks into the living room, pretends to wipe at her eyes. “I’m so proud.”

“You two are ridiculous.” Derek says, turning around. “And I’m just going because Erica promised to pay me. With ice cream.” Then he gives Cora a wicked smile. “That I’m not going to share with either of you.”

“You are the worst brother!” Cora yells as he begins to climb the stairs. “And I hope you fall on your ass while trying to dance!”

“Can’t hear you!” Derek’s cell begins to ring. “Too busy getting ready to prom!”

Laura lets out a high-pitched laughter. “I love you two so much.”

Derek shakes his head fondly, closes his bedroom door behind himself just as Cora tells Laura to shut up. “Hey.” He answers the phone, collapsing on his bed. “What’s up?”

“Yo,” Stiles answers, “whatcha doing?”

“Listening to my sisters fight.” He says, snorting when he hears his dad start complaining about all the yelling and ‘no, Cora, I’m not letting you go to prom, you’re thirteen!’. “I’m gonna have to check the trunk of my car tomorrow night.”

Stiles laughs. “She’s not that good.”

“If you keep teaching her, she will be.” Derek blurts out, curses himself mentally when he realizes it came out harsher than he intended.

It’s just – sometimes he can’t help it. He’s known Stiles since they were four, Cora wasn’t even born then, but one day she turned eleven and Stiles became her new favorite person. Stiles couldn’t find it funnier and took Cora as his little apprentice. He even taught her how to cheat on Mario Kart.

He’s never taught Derek that.

Derek rolls his eyes, thinks about his little sister still downstairs pouting and trying to convince their dad that she’s old enough to go out. He shouldn’t be jealous of her, but the thing is – he grew up with two sisters, he knows how to share toys and food, but he doesn’t know how to share Stiles.

Because Stiles is his.

Keep reading

they call her maid maleen

for the first few trembling years of her life, she is a princess. she is the daughter to the king, born of his beloved wife and of her visage. her dark eyes have the appearance of a smoky quarts and her mother carefully twists her mass of black hair into a hundred small braids down her back. she is a beautiful, quiet child, and for a while all is well. they call her princess maleen.

then her mother dies. it seems as if the king is determined to bury his love for his daughter along with his queen. he moves her to a different wing of the castle, and refuses to see her. her tutors are let go, and the nobles’ children are no longer allowed to play with her. only the maids look after her now.

the king remarries. the new queen gives birth to a son, and maleen is forgotten completely, banished from a home she still resides in and a life she can now only watch unfold.

the maids take care of her, braid her hair and kiss the blisters on her fingers, teach her to scrub at porcelain and polish silver, to clean a fireplace and mop polished marble floors.

they call her maid maleen.

~

the king has a son by his new wife, and then a daughter. they are pale and fair-haired like their mother, with only their dark eyes to show they are the king’s children. but they inherit none of their parents’ beauty, have faces that don’t look quite right and bodies that get stuck between gangly and chubby and never settle into one or the other. princess gisella and prince jan are privately regarded as unfortunate products of a lovely union.

maid maleen spends long hours working, and has neither the time nor funds for creams to soften her skin or oils to care for her hair, has never used face powder or lip color.

maid maleen is twenty three years old, and the most beautiful woman in the kingdom.

her braids are wrapped carefully atop her head, but when she lets them loose they hang past her hips. her dark skin is made even darker thanks to long hours working in the palace garden, and her eyes have never lost that same curious light. she walks straight and strong, years of hard labor giving her muscles and definition to her body that she never would have had as a princess. boys and girls give her long, considering looks and flirtatious smiles, and nobles have to double-take when she passes them by.

no one speaks of it anymore. but maid maleen looks ever more like her beautiful late mother, has the same eyes as her father, and dressing in ill-fitting cast offs and running her ragged can’t hide the truth.

maid maleen is the king’s daughter.

she has accepted her life as a maid in the palace she was one day set to inherit, and tries to see it as a gift. she sleeps with who she likes, may marry whichever of the charming boys from the city who’s smile she likes best. in the maids who raised her she has more mothers than she has fingers, and perhaps she longs for the days when she was a small princess, when she was the apple of her parents’ eye, when the whole of their nation was to be hers to inherit.

but then the blacksmith’s daughter lets her hands linger a little too long on her wrists, and maleen knows that she won’t be sleeping alone tonight. there are some things that worth more to her than a throne she was born to. she doesn’t miss the little girl she used to be.

until.

tensions have always run high between their kingdom and the neighboring one – too many squabbles over borders, over trade agreements, over patrols, over anything and everything the kings can find a reason to be upset about, it seems like. so when prince wolfgang is sent over, the whole palace is abuzz. the prince seems determined to inherit a peaceful land, and is coming over to talk with the king to do it.

maleen does not care for princes. nor for nobles of any rank, in fact. she remembers how they turned on her, she sees the small acts of pettiness and cruelty they thoughtlessly inflict on their servants, and she wants nothing to do with it. commoners may not be as educated as nobles, may not have as many objects to call their own, but maleen finds she prefers their company to that of lords. she’s uninterested in this prince, which is perhaps why she’s the one that gets sent to his rooms. her moms can trust that she at least won’t fawn over him.

“sir wolfgang,” she murmurs, pushing open his door and giving a low curtsy, keeping her eyes trained on his mud covered boots. “is there anything you require?”

silence. she can only stay bent in a curtsey so long before she loses patience. she’s almost given up on him, is about to cut her losses and call it a night when he says, hesitant, “queen sabine?”

her mother’s name is punch to her gut, and her head snaps up at the sound of it, the rolling fire of her temper bubbling just below her skin. “i am maid maleen,” she snaps, then tacks on “your highness,” after a moment’s consideration.

his cloak is half unbuttoned as he stares at her with a slack mouth. she supposes he would not look unhandsome if he were not currently doing his best to imitate a frog. he appears to be only a handful of years older than she is, and if she were not furious she would be impressed that he remembers her mother well enough to see sabine in her.

“maleen,” he repeats, and for a moment she wonders if he will recognize her as well, but he only says, “my apologies. if you would help me with my cloak, i would be much obliged.”

she’s instantly suspicious. she’s met nice nobles before, ones that were considerate and remembered her name and thanked her when she brought them wine. but she’s never met a nice prince before – they’re always of the worst sort. “yes, your highness,” she says, and the cloak is soaked through and clinging, it’s no wonder he’s struggling with it. once she’s gotten it off she hangs it to dry, then goes back to him. she slaps away his numb, struggling fingers and undoes the rest of the buckles and loops of his overly complicated clothing. she’s gotten down him down to an undershirt and pants when his hands grab hers. she blinks and looks up. he has freckles dusting across his nose.

“this is inappropriate,” he says, but honestly she’s stripped a lot of nobles, it wasn’t weird until he took her hands and looked at her like no one’s ever looked at her before.

“yes, your highness,” she agrees, and takes a step back. she places his clothes in front of a fire, curtsies, and leaves. she can feel the weight of his gaze on her all the way back to her room.

wolfgang continues his diplomatic agenda, having long meetings with the royal family. after, maleen goes and tends to him, setting out his food and taking care of his clothes, straightening up any mess that he’s made. at first he’s quiet, and he just watches her, but he quickly discovers that maleen has opinions and thoughts and isn’t afraid to share them. soon they’re debating the finer points of trade routes and arguing the effectiveness of a sliding tax scale, and maleen comes to cherish the evenings she spends with the prince, likes the way he speaks to her and looks at her, likes the shape of his smile.

weeks in she enters his room, dinner steaming in her hands and eager to continue their conversation about state funded orphanages versus a state funded foster system. he’s pacing and tense, shoulder stiff. “wolfgang,” she sets down the food and wipes her hands on her apron, “is something wrong?”

“is it true?” he asks, and he’s not looking at her. he’s always looked at her before.

“is what true?” she flinches away from his coldness, is already preparing to retreat and hide and beg someone else to watch over him.

he turns to her, and she’s baffled by the mixture of hope and anger on his face. “are you the king’s daughter? are you princess maleen?”

she takes a step back, “i am maid maleen.”

“please,” he follows her as she steps away from him, and her back hits the wall. he stops when he’s almost close enough to touch. “my father sent me here with the goal to seal our new treaty with a marriage. he expects me to marry princess gisella. but if you are the daughter of the king – then he will allow me to marry you instead!”

“who says i want to marry you?” she retorts, but he gets on bended knee and she freezes.

he holds a hand for her own, and against every bit of logic, she gives it to him. “maleen, i’ve never felt this way about anyone. i was willing enough to enter a loveless marriage before i knew what true love is, but now i do, and i can’t go back. marry me.”

she wants to. she thinks she loves him. she hadn’t been planning to fall in love with anyone. “i am the king’s daughter,” she tells him, “but i am no princess. i haven’t been a princess in a long time.”

he brings her hand to his mouth so he can kiss each one of her knuckles, “then we’ll have to change that.”

~

wolfgang goes to the king to make his case, to return maleen to her birthright and allow her to marry him.

it goes even worse than maleen had feared.

her father is furious. he’s so angry at the audacity of this request that prince wolfgang is thrown from the kingdom. so incensed is he, that guards drag maleen from her bed in the middle of the night and throw her into a tower. the door closes shut behind them, and she bangs on it and screams but no one comes for her.

there are no windows, and only one door with a sliding metal grate in the bottom. she’s high in the tower, she thinks, from the number of steps she’d been forced to climb, but she stands on a dirt floor. the room contains only the bare minimum needed for survival, and nothing more.

once a week food is slid through the slot in the door. she has to be careful, because if she eats it too fast they will not provide more, she will just starve. days turn to weeks turn to months, and she despairs of ever being let out of this tower. months turn to years, and she gives up hope entirely of leaving this tower. she considers refusing to eat, killing herself slowly through starvation, because death is preferable to life locked in this tower.

one night there’s a scuffle, and shouting, and for the first time since she was shoved inside the door opens. there’s a guard standing there, and princess gisella tentatively steps inside. “maid ma – i mean, maleen?”

maleen stares. this is the first time she’s seen another person in years, and suddenly for all the screaming she’d done she can’t find her voice. gisella takes another cautious step forward, “maleen, please – we don’t have much time.” she holds out her hand, “come with me.”

gisella is sixteen now. although she’ll never be a great beauty, she’s grown into many of the features that she was once mocked for. “where?” she asks, but takes gisella’s hand and lets her lead them down the twisting staircase. anyplace is better than the tower.

“i’m to be married in a week’s time to prince wolfgang.” maleen feels a sharp pain go through her chest. had wolfgang forgotten her? their farce of a romance was such a quick, shallow thing. she was a fool to fall for it in the first place. “i’m not going to show up. you are.”

she stares, “what?”

“wolfgang started a war over father locking you in the tower,” she explains, “but eventually it got to a point where neither could justify it, so our father and wolfgang’s decided our union would mean peace between our countries, as intended. but i don’t want to marry prince wolfgang, and he does not want to marry me.”

“i don’t understand,” she hadn’t paid much attention to the girl when they were in the palace together, and she’s regretting that now.

they finally reach the end of the tower. it’s the first time she’s breathed fresh air in years. she tries not to get distracted by it, and instead focuses on the carriage to her left, and the pure black mare laden like a pack mule on her right. “i’m leaving,” gisella says, “i don’t want to be wolfgang’s bride because i want to be klaus’s,” the guard smiles, and he must be klaus, the princess is rejecting a prince to run away with a commoner. “there’s a map and everything you need in the saddlebags. the wedding dress is waiting for you at the castle. no one will know you’re not me until wolfgang unveils you, and by then it will be too late. he will marry you, and i will be gone.”

“why are you doing this?” she asks.

gisella shrugs, “you’re my sister, and father is an idiot. i want you to be happy, and i want wolfgang to be happy, and i want to be happy too. this way we all get what we want. our brother will be waiting for you in wolfgang’s castle. he’ll help you.”

maleen is speechless. gisella grabs her in a quick hug – the only one they’ve ever shared – and then goes to the carriage with klaus trailing behind her. “i’ll see you again, princess maleen!”

she doesn’t have time for tears. she gets on the mare, and rides for the palace of the neighboring land.

~

she makes it just in time. she sneaks into the castle the night before the wedding, ducking around servants until she find her way to jan’s door. she knocks, tentative, wondering if this was a mistake and all one elaborate trap. but the door opens and his face slackens in relief, “finally!” he pulls her inside, and sits her down. there’s lukewarm water waiting for her so she can clean herself, and jan stands with his back to her the whole time, outlining the wedding and how it will go so she knows what to expect the next day. “father isn’t here,” he assures her, “he didn’t want to leave the kingdom, so i’m here in his stead.”

“won’t you miss your sister?” maleen finishes washing and wraps herself in a soft blanket.

“when i am king, gisella will return,” he says confidently, “she will come home and bring klaus, and you will rule here with wolfgang, and all will be well. our countries shall be great allies when it is me and wolfgang on the throne.”

he’s only a year older than gisella, just seventeen, and maleen feels oddly old next to them, feels old next to these children who know what they want and take it and don’t let anything stand in their way.

“we need to get your hair rebraided,” he says, “you should look perfect tomorrow. it’s your wedding day.”

she stares, aghast. “that will take all night!”

“i’ve brought help,” he says, and sends a servant down the hall. the servant returns with a half dozen of the maids who raised her, and who crowd forward and hug her and kiss her cheeks and say how much they’ve missed her. princess or not, bride or not, to them she will always be their little maid maleen.

~

it’s clear gisella picked her wedding dress with maleen in mind. it fits her for one thing, and is clinging and heavy, and it must have looked awful on gisella, but on her it’s perfect. her dress is accompanied by white silk gloves and a thick veil so that no one can see her, so that no one will know she’s not the daughter of the king they’re expecting to be there.

wolfgang is at the end of the aisle, looking like he’s going to an execution, and it takes more self control than maleen was anticipating not to go running to him. she turns to him, and he lifts her veil. he sees her and freezes, mouth sliding open. she winks at him, because they just need to keep it together until they’re married, he just has to keep his cool for a few minutes and they’ll have won it all. wolfgang closes his mouth and says nothing about how this is clearly not the bride he was supposed to marry. they turn so none of the guests can see them, and the priest gives maleen a confused look, but with a glare from wolfgang he continues on with the ceremony as if nothing is out of place.

“you may now kiss the bride,” the priest says, after what seems like an eternity.

wolfgang grabs her about the waist, dips her, and kisses her soundly on the mouth. her veil falls off and she can hear the horrified and shocked gasps of the guests, and under that jan’s laughter. when they break apart, foreheads still pressed together, she whispers, “hello, prince wolfgang.”

he kisses her again, quick and sweet, and does nothing at all to disguise the joy in his face. “hello, princess maleen.”

and they all lived happily ever after.


read more retold fairytales here

comprehensive analysis of sam & cap meeting for the first time
  • ‘oh hey look how fast i can run look how fast and cool i am look at me’
  • cap is wearing a t shirt 2 sizes 2 small that may as well be soaking wet come the fuck on cap put on some fucking clothes
  • i can’t hear anything steve is saying over his flexing
  • ‘what unit u with? where u work? what’s ur name? u got a boyfriend? where yo boyfriend at?’
  • flimsy excuse to hold hands (’oh help me up from this tree i’m so tired i can’t possibly get up by myself’)
  • sam immediately all ‘must be weird coming home after the whole defrosting thing’ like wow personal much? buy a guy a drink first
  • steve is like ‘uh ya it’s weird that’s personal buy a guy a drink first’ and goes to leave
  • sam: -anguished expression- oh god i fucked it up
  • sam:

damn it sam save it! save it! don’t let him go! -says the first thing that pops into his head-

  • steve like

‘what the fuck buy a guy several drinks first?’

  • sam: your bed, it’s too soft. when I was over there I’d sleep on the ground, use rocks for pillows, like a caveman.

steve:

  • what
  • sam: -explains what the fuck he’s talking about, beds are too soft, etc etc etc’
  • steve: ohhhh the marshmallow bed thing? ya i get that. fucking soft beds right haha -is apparently into the whole caveman thing-
  • sam: nice, saved it -high fives self-
  • steve: -demonstrates how Knowledgeable he is and how much Perspective he has and how Funny he can be’ we use to boil everything!!!!
  • steve literally sounds like one of those beauty queens having a question sprung on her that she didn’t expect
  • ‘Miss New York how does the world of today compare to the days of world war 2??? 30 seconds on the clock’
  • ‘no polio is good’
  • ….’no polio is good’….
  • ‘we used to boil everything!!!’
  • somehow sam is still cool with this. it’s probably bc steve has mouth-watering melon pecs
  • Sam Makes His Move

you can tell this is his Move. he tells this to all the ladies. there’s no way you can get someone listening to marvin gaye and not get laid instantaneously

  • steve doesn’t know what the fuck sam is talking about but this is a great excuse to show off his arms by pulling out his little notebook

are you looking at those arms sam?? bc i am

  • btw
  • this

this is the face of a man who is DTF

  • ‘Miss New York, what are the most significant historical events and cultural changes that have occurred since world war two?? 30 seconds on the clock’
  • ‘uhh…. I Love Lucy. Moon Landing. Berlin wall… up and down. Steve Jobs…. apple….???? Disco. Definitely. Thai food. Star Wars and Trek. Nirvana… I’m pretty sure that’s a band. Rocky and Rocky 2. And whatever this guy just told me. idk I’ll look it up on the Google later’
  • ‘all right Sam, duty calls. Thanks for the run…… if that’s what you want to call running.’
  • ‘Oh, that’s how it is??’
  • ‘Ohhh that’s how it is.’
  • this is better flirting than i have ever implemented in my nearly ten long years after hitting puberty
  • ‘Hey anytime you want to stop by my place of employment that I told you explicitly within minutes of meeting you but now I’m bringing up again to make sure you remember where I work and where to find me again, make out with me me look awesome in front of the girl at the front desk, just let me know’
  • Steve: hella B)
  • nat: -rolls up-
  • nat:

anonymous asked:

i'm giggling to myself bc i keep imagining that sasuke's and naruto's friendship starts bc sasuke learns that naruto has massive chakra reserves and he's just like "well /hello destruction/" and they probably become everyone's worst nightmare.

The first time Sasuke really notices Naruto is during their Academy class’s unit on sealing.

To be fair, it would be kind of hard to miss him after the way he shoves so much chakra into the exploding tag he’s supposed to be making that he blows up the back half of the classroom and launches himself about twenty feet into the air. A couple of the other kids are a bit singed, and they end up having to share a room with another class until the terminally overworked Mokuton user can fix the wall and ceiling, but Naruto wanders back in the next day looking sheepish and entirely unharmed.

Since Sasuke saw him take the brunt of the explosion, this is worthy of note. So is the fact that he managed to shove enough chakra into the tag to burn out the safety seal that was supposed to keep things like that from happening.

Under the cover of Iruka-sensei’s yelling, Sasuke looks down at the diagram on his paper, a jutsu that his father dismissed as unreasonable and unusable given normal human limits, and thinks, Huh.


“All your old designs?” Shisui says with some confusion when Sasuke tracks him down after class. He rocks back on his heels, eyeing Sasuke a little warily, and swipes ineffectually at an ink-stain on his cheek. “Yeah, I still have them—I wouldn’t throw them out after you gave them to me for safekeeping, brat.”

“I need them,” Sasuke says with determination. “All of them.”

Shisui blinks, then tilts his head, studying him for a moment. “You know the amount of chakra they need would kill most jounin,” he says, though it’s too curious to be an accusation. “I think even Sarutobi-sama might have trouble with some of them. You’ve got a habit of thinking big, kid.”

“Are you going to give them to me or not?” Sasuke demands crankily, because he’s got curfew in three hours and he still has to pick through his plans to find the easiest one and find Naruto.

“Of course.” Shisui sounds offended that he’d think otherwise. “They’re your designs, Sasuke. Check the hall closet, top shelf—Tenzō!”

Shisui’s boyfriend takes one look at the manic light in his eyes, the scrolls scattered over the breakfast table, and the ink smeared across his face, then blanches and turns right back around.

“No no no!” Shisui lunges after him, grabbing up his scrolls and vaulting clear over the table. “Tenzō, no, come back, I swear this one isn’t like last time, this is a brilliant idea, you will be blown away!”

“Urgent mission, ANBU called, I have to go!” Tenzō calls over his shoulder as he bolts.

Tenzō! That wasn’t even a convincing lie! Come on, you’re the only one in the village with Mokuton, you have to try this or my brilliance is wasted, it’s a gorgeous jutsu! Tenzō!”

Sasuke rolls his eyes as the yelling fades behind him and heads for the closet. The box with the jutsus his father rejected is right where Shisui said it would be, and Sasuke clutches it and thinks a little gleefully about the potential of even one of these jutsus, provided he can get Naruto to agree. The destructive power. The awesome might. The possible explosions.

(Somewhere deep in R&D’s basement Mikoto pauses in the middle of creating a devastating combination jutsu, and turns to smile fondly at the picture of her youngest son on the wall. She’s so glad he got more of her proclivities than Fugaku’s, even if her husband does tend to complain about the property damage more frequently since she introduced him to the wonders of explosive chakra techniques.)


Naruto is just heating up water for his nightly cup of ramen, halfway through trying to factor a new jumpsuit into his monthly budget while still having money for Ichiraku’s, when there’s a knock on his door. A little wary—because Hokage-jiji usually warns him when he’s going to drop by, and there’s no one else who visits Naruto—he pulls it open, and finds himself face-to-face with the weird nerd who spends pretty much all of their time in class drawing on big scrolls. Iruka-sensei yells at him to pay attention almost as much as he does Naruto, which automatically makes Naruto like him.

But he and Naruto have never even spoken before, so Naruto has no earthly idea what he’s doing here.

“Hello?” he asks.

The boy thrusts the shoebox he’s carrying at Naruto and says, “Your chakra reserves are amazing will you try my jutsus?”

This is, Naruto learns much, much later, the Uchiha equivalent of a marriage proposal.

Even if he’d known, he probably still would have lit up with glee and cried, “Yes!”


“Not a word,” Mikoto tells her husband as she ladles miso soup into five bowls instead of the usual four.

Fugaku rolls his eyes at her, ignoring her warning to offer, “I don’t think Kushina would have liked anything more than for you to take in her son.”

“And now we have an excuse,” Mikoto says triumphantly, waving the ladle like it’s a weapon to stab Danzō and the other Elders with. “We couldn’t approach him but they didn’t say anything about Sasuke now did they? Hah!”

“I think,” Fugaku says dryly, casting a glance at where Sasuke is looking halfway to manic as he explains one of his jutsus to a beaming Naruto, “that the Elders are very shortly going to have much bigger things to worry about.”

“JUNHUI SENT A VIDEO” ੭ JUNHUI

Contains :  bestfriend!junhui, SMUT !  

Group : SEVENTEEN

Member : Jun/Wen Junhui

Words : + 2,8k

Summary : Junhui was a cocky guy, that was for sure, but you never thought that he was that cocky, as you glare at your phone screen, a shaky finger pressing on the imagine of his smooth torso, his hand wrapped around his cock.

Originally posted by indigyu

A/N : For all my babies suffering from the lack of seventeen smut, there you go ! + I’m writing this now instead of after my exams because I was revising and my friend sent me the video of Jun dancing to Who and yeah I couldn’t.
+ someone told me it was similar to other smuts and yes it is, I red other writings with the same plot so this smut is inspired by them


[11:06] you : jun, leave me alone

A sigh left your lips as you placed your phone beside you, trying to focus on the papers all over your desk. Fingertips rubbing your temples, you closed your eyes, trying to remember the things you were reading a few moments before. You hated it, you hated having to learn things by heart, just to recite everything like a robot in front of a teacher, as if it would prove that you were intelligent or something.

On top of that, your best friend was texting you non stop. You were already a pretty distracted person, but with him making your phone buzz every minute, it was even worst. He was a year above you, and didn’t have to pass any exams. His school year was over, and he was celebrating it tonight, in a party thrown by someone from his class.

But apparently, the party wasn’t that amazing, since it seemed like he wasn’t leaving his phone to go grind on some girl.

 [11:07] junhui : talk to meeeee :(
[11:07] you : omg jun why are you like this, leave me alone
[11:08] junhui : its boring without you :(

A laugh escaped your lips, he was probably at least a bit tipsy. See, Jun was your best friend, but you both had this thing were you acted like you hated each other. But when alcohol was running in his system, Jun was the first to spill his feelings, and it was always so rewarding to see his face the day after when you red him his drunk texts.

[11:08] you : you know i have my last test soon
[11:08] you : are you already drunk ? its not even midnight omg
[11:09] junhui : no shit i fucking know you have a test
[11:09] junhui : i cant believe you left me like that

You rolled your eyes at his text, before typing. Yeah, you could understand him. You two were ready to leave, because you were supposed to go with him, but you decided to stay at the last minute, quickly leaving your tight dress for your large pyjama shirt.
Jun had tried to convince you to go with him, after all, the test was only in a week, but you didn’t want to waste time partying while you could use this time to work.

[11:10] you : dont be like this, you know its an important test
[11:10] you : go dance or something, we’ll have all summer to party together
[11:11] junhui : i dont want to dance :( :( :(
[11:11] you : yOU’RE SO ANNOYING JUGNDHGU
[11:11] you : im gonna study byyye

For a moment, the boy stopped texting you, and you thought that maybe he was finally dancing and having some fun. Going back to your notes, you tried to memorize everything, repeating the important points to yourself.
A tired smile stretched your lips when you finally got everything right, moving to the next text. Rolling your eyes, you groaned, seeing how long the plan you had to memorize was, and how depressing the text was, talking about how Humans were damned no matter what.

You took a deep breath, sitting comfortably before starting reading every point, then, your phone buzzed again.

[11:25] junhui : hi
[11:26] junhui : answer me
[11:27] junhui : y/n
[11:27] junhui : :(
[11:28] junhui : i wont stop until you answer
[11:29] junhui : thats the worst party ive ever seen
[11:30] junhui : and i cant even leave because mingyu is the one driving
[11:30] junhui : plus im kind of drunk
[11:30] junhui : wow i cant believe you did this to me
[11:31] you : omg wen junhui ill kill you

You sighed, he wasn’t going to leave you alone, you had to navigate between answering him and revising, rolling your eyes, maybe going to the party was a better idea.

[11:31] junhui : i like when you call me by my full name thats hot
[11:31] you : wtf you have weird kinks
[11:32] junhui : wow cant believe my best friend is shaming me for my kinks !
[11:33] you : find mingyu, maybe he will drive you home
[11:33] junhui : nah i saw him going upstairs with some random girl
[11:34] you : gross
[11:34] junhui : i cant believe u did this to me
[11:35] you : omfg junhui how many times are you going to say that ?
[11:35] junhui : until you apologize ???
[11:36] you : fuck you this exam is more important than an obviously shitty party

You breathed, all your focus now on the coversation with your best friend. He would distract you anyway, and you wouldn’t be able to get any work done, so what was the point. Giving a last look at the pile of paper, you moved from your desk to your bed, trying to find a decently cold spot.

[11:37] junhui : ohmy god your test is in a fucking week
[11:38] you : fuck its just a party why are you getting mad about it ?
[11:38] junhui : because
[11:39] you : you’re a child
[11:39] junhui : whatever
[11:40] you : omg

You growned, dropping your phone on your side, your arm resting on your eyes. He didn’t respond, and it was for the best, when Jun was drunk, he could either be super whiny for nothing, or super angry for nothing, and you would rather stop talking to him for the night than have a conversation with an angry stubborn guy.

The summer night was growing hotter, your shirt starting to stick to your body. Tugging at it to let some air hit your skin, you thought for a moment that Jun finally gave up, maybe finding someone to drive him home.

[11:55] junhui : im in the bathroom
[11:57] you : k
[11:57] junhui : i have a boner
[11:58] you : dID I ASK

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes, drunk Jun could be either way super whiny, super angry or super horny, yeah you forgot about that.
See, another thing in your friendship was how comfortable both of you were when it came to sex. Junhui was already super comfortable talking about it, and so, you grew more and more confident talking about it with him. That was one of the few things you were grateful for.

[11:59] you : go get some girl to grind on i’m studying

You lied, hoping and praying god that you couldn’t have to deal with a drunk and horny Junhui.
A few moments passed, and again, you thought that he was out of the bathroom dancing on some girl, because you knew that a lot of them were willing to do it. It wasn’t news that Junhui was pretty popular, his delicate features and sweet voice were enough for a lot of girls, but he also had amazing hands, and those thighs, god, the result of years of dancing.
In addition to all of this, the way his hips moved was sinful. You remember seeing him dancing to one the songs he made with his friends, his hips moving slowly, his hand resting on his thigh, so close to his crotch.

Yeah, these were one of these days where you asked yourself, how the fuck do I even contain myself. 

After moving his hips, you remember his eyes finding yours before he started body rolling, his shoulders broad, toned stomach moving.
And it wasn’t all, the choregraphy continued again until his hands made contact with the floor, supporting himself as he fucking grinded on the floor, powerful thrusts over the floor, and you cursed under your breath.

You couldn’t admit it to yourself, but you couldn’t stop thinking about how his body moved, and you blamed it on sexual frustration, yeah that was it.

But more and more, your breath strated inching everytime he got closer, or when his hands got too adventurous, because he also wasn’t helping it.
But soon, you convinced yourself that you couldn’t think about your best friend in such ways, it was weird. You were making it weird at least.

[00:05] junhui : sent a video

Your thoughts got cut by the sound of your phone, your hand grabbing it before tracing your password, and your fucking mind went blank.

Your eyes stayed glued to your screen, blinking a few times, before checking again the name of the contact, yeah that was Jun.
Your troath was dry, and you tried to swallow the built of saliva.

The thumbnail was enough to leave you breathless, and even more sweaty.

Fuck, what was that for ?

You unconsciously licked your lips, your eyes fixed on the image.

Jun’s was sitting in what looked like a bathroom, his black jeans tugged to the middle of his muscular thighs, his black shirt riding up, revealing a parcel of his skin. His hand was wrapped around his cock, tip already red, several rings hugging his fingers. You couldn’t see his face, the image cut to his sweaty neck, but you could understand that his head was thrown back.

You cursed under your breath, a shaky finger pressing on the message, the image filling your screen before starting.
And it started right away, the boy’s hand slowly pumping up and down, his thumb stopping to collect the drop of precum. Touching his sensitive head, you heard a hiss, your mouth falling agape, waiting for more, and it stopped.

Your eyes widen, still locked on the screen, before catching the small three dots on your phone.

[00:06] junhui : fuck, im so hard
[00:06] junhui : help me

You looked up from your screen, as if someone would suddently appear at the end of your bed to help you in this situation.
Your heart was pounding, what the fuck were you supposed to do ? He sent it like it was the most normal thing to do.

And fuck, you wanted to run away from your phone and hide, but on the other hand, your eyes were still glued to the small picture, your mind replaying the faint hiss.

[00:07] junhui : y/n
[00:08] you : you can’t send things like that omg
[00:08] junhui : omfg its okay youre my best friend
[00:08] junhui : just help me
[00:08] junhui : please

“Best friends”, was that a common thing to send nudes to your best friend ? You took a deep breath, before typing again, what the fuck were you getting yourself into.

[00:09] you : what the fuck do you want me to do
[00:09] you : you have a fucking boner its not my fault youre a horny fuck
[00:10] junhui : sent a vocal

You rolled your eyes, taking your headphones before playing the audio, and your heart sank. It started with a clear, deep moan, you could hear that he was trying to stay quiet, before muffling it, the sound of his hand moving in the background was faint, and he started talking. God, his voice was raspy, low, breathless, “What do you mean it’s not your fault ? I have a fucking boner because of you, fuck- That dress looked so good on you.”

Your breath grew uneven, catching your lip between your teeth. A breathy moan fell from his lips, probably picturing you in the dress you were wearing earlier, “And fuck- d-did you really have to start taking it off in front of me ?” You couldn’t help but smile as you remembered taking the straps off in front of him, letting him see a bit of your bra, but you couldn’t imagine that it had such and effect on him.

“God, please, send something, a picture, anything, I don’t care.”, he moaned, before ending the audio. You eyes widen, a picture ? Fuck, you wanted to continue whatever was going on, feeling the familiar discomfort between your legs but you really didn’t know how to take it.

Eventually, you moved your phone, stretching your arm above your head, opening the camera. Your moved to lay on your back, bending your knee up as your other hand tugged your shirt upwards, enough to show the right of your bra and your panties.

It was the exact same bra that Jun saw as you took your dress off earlier, the lacy black bra un panties hugging your body. You quickly took the picture, cutting it after your lips, your lower lip rosy after biting it, and you sent it.

[00:14] you : sent a picture

Biting your lip, you waited for his responce.

[00:15] junhui : fuck, you look so good
[00:16] junhui : sent a video

And this time, you didn’t hesitate to open the video, your breath stopping. Fuck, if he was touching himself while looking at a picture of you, you could to that too, right ? Your hand traveled down your stomach, letting your finger press on your clit, a gasp leaving your lips.
Keeping your eyes open, you watched as the video opened on your phone, Jun’s hand moving faster this time, and holy shit, he looked so big.
His tip was red, a groan coming from his chest as he moved the phone and,

“Oh my god.”, you cursed under your breath as you took your panties off, your digit spreading your wetness. You gasped as Jun moved the phone so you were able to fully see his hand pumping his cock and his face, and god, he look amazing.

His lower lip between his teeth, looking straight at his camera through the locks of his back hair. His mouth suddently fell open with a silent moan as his head fell backwards, letting you see his Adam’s Apple bobbing and the video ended.

Fuck, you were keeping those videos, for scientific reasons.

[00:18] junhui : are you touching yourself ?

Your finger started rubbing your clit, trying your best to reply, but you didn’t even know how, so you took another picture. Quickly opening the camera, you took another one in the same position, your hand clearly visible in the shot.

[00:18] you : sent a picture
[00:19] junhui : i knew it
[00:19] junhui : fuck, i wish you were here

And then, out of nowhere, your phone rang.

You didn’t hesitate long before you accepted the call, placing your phone on your pillow beside your head.

“Y/N.”, he breathed as your finger started to work faster.

“Jun.”, you wanted your voice to be as quiet as his, but it came out in a moan.

“Fuck, why did you have to stay home.”, he gasped, breathless.

“Why did you have to go to this party.”, you replied.

“Whatever, be fucking prepared when I come home.”, a broken moan fell from his lips as you cursed under your breath, your imagination running wild. You allowed a finger to enter your heat, your digit easily sliding in. You moaned, your other hand gripping your sheet.

“God, I couldn’t stop thinking about you in that dress.”, the sound of skin clapping grew quicker as he continued, “I wish I could feel your lips around me.”, he gasped, before continuing, “You’re going to let me fuck your mouth when I come home, won’t you ?”

You moaned, his words hitting your core, but he wasn’t having it, his cocky self coming back. “Words.”

You opened your mouth, breathing heavely before answering, “Yes.”

“Yeah.”, and he laughed out of pleasure, the sound ringing in your ears, adding another finger.

“I’ll make you feel so good.”, he purred, a long moan tumbling from his lips. “You’re touching yourself, right babygirl ? Fuck yourself with your fingers, curl them, imagine my fingers instand of yours.”, he rasped, clearly reaching his climax as he was finding it hard to talk.

And you did, curling your fingers and moving faster, picturing your best friend between your legs, your hips bucking against your hand.
Your moans grew higher, more and more frequent as you moved your hips.

“Are you gonna cum ?”, he asked, breathless, groaning as he tried to wait for you.

“Jun.”, you moaned, unable to give him an answer, feeling the knot in your stomach ready to explode.

“God, I can’t wait to be inside you.”, he cooed, a broken moan filling your ears. “Come for me.”

And that’s all you needed, moaned, your back arching, a clear layer of sweat near your collarbones. Collapsing, you tried to catch your breath, closing your eyes, trying to focus on what was going on on the other side.

A series of curse words mixed with your name tumbled from his lips, before he came on a long moan, gasping every now and then.

“Fuck, fuck.”, he cursed, trying to process everything, before letting a long sigh.

Both of you stayed silent for a moment, before Jun moved the phone, before speaking in a breathless voice.

“Wait for me, I’ll be here soon.”

How them 2000s live actions kids shows be
  • Normal Girl: *internally* I'm just a normal high school girl. I suck at math. I hate my parents. When someone asks me about my opinion on complex socioeconomic issues, I just go "What the heck!?" and start "texting" or something like that. My life would be just like yours, except for one thing: I have an amazing power... I can talk to cetaceans!
  • *at the docks, a bell tolls as our normal protagonist hears the voices of cetaceans bubbling in her mind*
  • Normal Girl: *staring deeply into the ocean*
  • Best Friend: Ahoy! What're you doing?
  • Normal Girl: Just staring into the oceanic abyss, thinking about how much I hate my parents. *internally* I have to keep my ability to speak to cetaceans secret or else... uh...
  • Best Friend: Haha, I feel that, friend. What a colorful life we teens live, our seaside environment awakening a rumbling darkness within ourselves of which we mull on our own with nothing but the unbounding depths of the ocean as our one escape. An escape which serves to only maim our fragile egos with newfound adolescent anxieties.
  • Normal Girl: What are you even talking about?
  • Best Friend: I don't know. I haven't slept in a week. Let's go to the mall.
  • *at the mall*
  • Normal Girl: *internally* My town might as well be called Lamesville. Nothing ever happens here, but the mall can be pretty fun. It's only place in the whole town with anything in it that isn't fish or excessive amounts of woodlice.
  • Best Friend: ...So I'd just dance and I'd dance until my feet broke. When that happened, I'd just get up and dance on my broken feet. And I did this until they were raw and blood was everywhere. I kept waking up in the morning extremely exhausted after this dream. I decided to record myself one night and it turns out I was dancing in my sleep. I haven't slept since I saw that. *leans in close to the normal girl* I'm afraid of what I'll do in my sleep.
  • Normal Girl: Wow, sounds weird... I guess. *sips coffee*
  • Best Friend: OMIGAWD! It's Chad Alphakid. He's coming this way!
  • *the normal girl and her best friend squee*
  • Normal Girl: *externally* That's Chad Alphakid. Who is he? He's only the hottest most coolest boy in this entire lame city. I've been crushing on him since I was like twelve.
  • Chad: Uh, okay.
  • Normal Girl: Did I just say that out loud!?
  • Chad: *sits at the table* Listen, I don't care what you or your friend think of me. I need help!
  • Best Friend: Have you murdered somebody?
  • Normal Girl: Do you need a girlfriend?
  • Chad: No, it's the ocean. The sound of her waves crashing against the shore is like a faultless siren song. There isn't a single night where I don't have visions of floating within her cold embrace. The allure of her boundless depths beckon to me like a lover. I'm afraid that if I don't get help soon, I'll find myself taken away by her to a fate unknown.
  • Normal Girl: *internally* Great, this is a chance to finally use my power to speak to cetaceans to my benefit! *externally* But why do you need us to help you?
  • Chad: You guys are the biggest fucking degenerate weirdos in this washed up town. If anyone knows how to deal with this, it's you two.
  • Best Friend: Haha, truuuuuu!
  • Normal Girl: I'm not a weirdo! I'm a completely normal girl.
  • Chad: Dude, you fucking talk to fish.
  • Best Friend: You do talk to fish.
  • Normal Girl: I don't talk to fish! *internally* I talk to cetaceans, they're mammals, not fish. Also, that's supposed to be a secret, dammit!
  • *at the shore*
  • Chad: Ah, Mother Ocean! Take me!! Take me!!! *attempts to run into the ocean, but gets held back by the normal girl and her best friend*
  • Best Friend: Simmer down, aqualad!
  • Chad: Why did you fools take me here, if not to release into the embrace of sweet Mother Ocean!?
  • Normal Girl: We talked it over and we decided that the best way to get you over your obsession is make you hate the ocean.
  • Chad: Does it involve you talking to fish?
  • Normal Girl: Yes, I mean no. I mean, fuck! Cetaceans aren't fish.
  • *the normal girl sits at the edge of shore, her eyes rolls up in her head as she proceeds to make fucked up porpoise sounds*
  • Normal Girl: *falls over limp*
  • Best Fried: She died.
  • Chad: Does this mean that I'm free to wade into Mother Ocean and meet my fate among her ever chaotic waes?
  • Best Friend: *lets chad go* Yeah, dude. I'm too far gone to care about things anymore.
  • Chad: *strips off all of his clothes* Good. I now understand that there was no avoiding this. This was always a forgone conclusion. My fate is with the waves. Sayonara, weird best friend guy.
  • Chad: *runs into the ocean*
  • Best Friend: *kicks the normal girl's body* Guess she really is dead.
  • Best Friend: *walks home as the night encroaches* My closest friend is dead, and Chad is probably dead too. I wonder where my fate lies?
  • Best Friend: *yawns* Maybe I should go to sleep and just dance myself to death finally. No, I don't think I could go to sleep even if I wanted to anymore. I'm probably going to die from exhaustion in the next few days, not having felt rest or comfort again. Or maybe I'll just stay awake forever. I feel like I was supposed to have an epiphany here, or some type of awakening. But, there's nothing. I feel like everything I've ever done has been pointless. God, I'm just really tired.
  • *back at the shore*
  • Porpoise: *beaches itself*
  • *a gray fleshy version of the normal girl crawls halfway out of the porpoises mouth*
  • Normal Girl: There goes my corpse! *drags her weird porpoise body towards the corpse* Why did I die with such a dumb expression on my face? Lame! I hope Chad didn't see.
  • Normal Girl: *looks around with beady eyes* No one's here. I can finally do this.
  • Normal Girl: *kisses her dead body on the lips* Blargh!
  • Normal Girl: *spits out blood* I bit my tongue when I died. Gross. I guess I can cross making out with my dead body and becoming a mermaid off of my bucket list, though.
  • Normal Girl: *sighs*

anonymous asked:

Please write a short fic about tony catching peter drinking i would die omg

“Hey, Peter,” 


He froze, eyes widening as he heard the all-too-familiar sound of expensive leather brogues scuffing along the floor a few meters from him, and he turned quickly, brow furrowed into a deep V as he watched Tony wander up to him, all smiles and casual posture, hands buried in the pockets of his grease-stained jeans. He looked like he’d come straight from the workshop, stopping only to throw on a leather jacket along the way.

Why he was here at all, however, made no sense at all.

“T- Mr Stark,” Peter said, trying to communicate with him through eyebrow movements alone. If it turned out that he had to suit up and help out somewhere, he was pretty fucked, considering the fact he’d had a bit to drink at the party he’d been invited to.

Well. He said ‘a bit’. It was possibly more accurate to say ‘a fucking shit-ton’, but whatever.

Tony looked at him blankly, before shooting another smile toward the circle of people who were stood around Peter and staring quite blatantly at the both of them. “Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have to take Mr Parker away. He’s an intern at Stark Industries, you know how it is. Lots of work, yadda yadda, okay bye,”

And before Peter could even open his mouth, Tony had grabbed him by the arm and snatched the solo cup out of his hand almost angrily, pulling him away from the group of people and through the crowds of rowdy teenagers that littered the huge house.

“Uh, Mr Stark, wha’dd’ya want me for, exactly?” Peter asked, speaking loudly above the blaring music and wincing at how slurred his voice came out.

It had been a weird month, okay. He was just trying it out. 

Tony paused, and Peter saw him purse his lips even tighter before beginning to walk again, guiding Peter through the crowds and holding him tight as he stumbled a little.

“Hey, Parker, leaving so soon?” Flash called out from somewhere to his left, and Peter stopped turning to face him as the other boy wandered toward them. “We haven’t even begun yet, Jesus, are you a pussy or what-”

“Kid,” and suddenly Tony had let go, spinning around and walking up to Flash, who seemed to suddenly recognise who exactly Tony was, because his eyes went hilariously wide and he stumbled backward a few steps. Peter snorted involuntarily, and he saw Tony turn briefly, before shaking his head and looking back to Flash, “it seems like you’re having an absolute ball here, but I’m gonna say something and I’m only going to say it once.”

Tony looked down at Flash, eyes harsh as he drew a little closer. “Leave. Peter. Out of it. Do you understand? He is not here for you to manipulate, not here for you to bully into trying out crazy shit for your amusement-”

“Tony, what the fuck,” Peter blurted, frowning and stepping forward, more than a little put out. He’d only just managed to get accepted by Flash and all the other popular kids, and Tony was just going in, ruining it all, “you’re not my dad- don’t tell me or my friends what I can and can’t do.”

Tony turned, eyebrows raised. “Friends?” He snorted, shaking his head and walking over to Peter once more, taking him by the arm. “You haven’t called in with Aunt May for two days now,” he hissed into Peter’s ear, “she’s worried sick. You are coming with me, right now.”

“No ‘m not,” Peter pushed his hand off, looking over at Tony in anger. “You are fucking….embarrassing me…. in fron’ of my friends-”

“They are not your friends!” Tony snarled, pulling his arm again, “your friends are all currently at home, worrying their asses off because this is not like you, Peter, and they didn’t know what to fucking do, so they ended up calling me. Now you will fucking follow me out of this goddamn place right now, or I am hauling you out.”

(Read more, mobile users!)

Keep reading

((I don’t know if this has been done, so if it has please tell me.))

So I’ve seen a lot of those ‘Humans are Space Orcs’ posts and I think those are really cool, but unnoticed they all consist of one thing: humans traveling with the aliens.

So there are a lot of ways you can do that, right? You could go all Star Trek and make it to where the humans and aliens all live together in harmony and travel space together and things like that. But I have a different idea and I think it’s pretty cool.

So humans don’t really know aliens exist. Obviously you have your conspiracy theorists and loons and the occasional 'abducted’ person, but for the most part it’s just generally accepted that aliens are fun and all, but they’re not /real/.

And then there’s this kid. He/she/they don’t really have a happy life, but they can’t really do anything about it. You can make them whatever you want, have any or of disorder or disability or just make them an angsty teen that comes from an unhappy home. They want to leave, but they’re too young, so they have to stay.

Then of course, the aliens come. But instead of crap like Independence Day (I say crap in a loving way, the movie was pretty good and I like it), the aliens just take one look at the kid, pick them up, and leave. That’s it. Nothing else. Just take the kid and go.

Of course the kid is terrified at first, but after like the first day or so they calm down because the aliens are treating them like gosh-darn royalty. They put the kid up in the nicest room on the ship, give them the best food they can muster from their rations, and provide for any kind of entertainment the kid might want. It’s like paradise, and the kid is happier than they’ve been in a while.

So the kid travels with these aliens on all sorts of cool adventures and throughout this period is when we get the 'Humans are Space Orcs’ discoveries. Like the kid will go up to random giant furry beasts and just glomp them and coo at them while the aliens are like “No that’s deadly it will kill you oh my god what is this kid doing?!?!” Or, if the kid has a uterus, come time for their period the aliens freak out because “Oh holy shmarda, the child is bleeding!! Why is the child bleeding?!” Hilarious antics and shenanigans ensue and the child is so happy with their new life that they never want to go back home.

Also included: drama when the aliens return to earth to find a human companion for the child (even though they didn’t ask for one you guys don’t have to do this really it’s fine) and the parents of the kid demand they be returned immediately. The kid doesn’t want to go back of course so the aliens have to fight for custody over the kid in court (I guess idk but something along those lines. Maybe the humans try to kill the aliens because the kid was “abducted” and that causes a lot of angst and problems.).

Idk just something that’s been floating about in my imagination for a while. I think it would be a really cool show though tbh like someone hire me.

kaluv888  asked:

Hi! This blog is a life saver haha! I have a little question; I'm going to be looking for apartments soon and it's my first time ever being away from home,,, is there anything I should look out for in general? Thank you!

Hey I’m so glad I’m helping! I have been meaning to write a post of this nature for a long time, so thank you for asking. Here. We. Go.

Apartment Hunting 101

Overview: There’s no getting around it, apartment hunting is a stressful process. The waiting and wondering gets the best of everyone, so give yourself a break and remember not to be too hard on yourself. The more prepared and decisive you are, the better off you’ll be!

1. Step One: The most important step in this entire process is coming up with your list of “Need and Won’t”. This list can always be adjusted in the spur of the moment, but will act as a baseline to help you easily disregard impractical apartments. Before you even start your search, sit down with any roommates (SO or otherwise) and come up with a list. Here is my list:

  • Need: Dishwasher, pet friendly, heat included.
  • Won’t: First floor apartment, all or mostly carpeted apartment, no closet space.

2. Step Two: Decide your price range. The paycheck to paycheck life is not a great one to live, so try to find an apartment that still allows you to put anywhere from $100-$500 into savings every month. Figure out how much you make monthly, with taxes taken out. If you’re paid every other week, this is two paychecks. If you’re paid every week, this is four paychecks. Start with your total monthly income, and subtract the following expenses. Let’s say you make $1,000 with taxes taken out:

  • Rent - Let’s say you’re living with a roommate, and your rent is only $500 per month.
  • Electric - My electric expense is $60 a month for a one bedroom. Once again, you’re living with a roommate so let’s say that you pay half of that. $30.
  • Internet - $30 a month internet only. Please don’t waste your money on cable. Just use your mom’s Netflix account.
  • Travel expenses - I spend about $85 a month on gas. Let’s say you use public transportation and spend around $100.
  • Food - Figure you’ll be spending $100 per person each month. So that’s another $100.
  • Misc expense: Let’s just add an additional $50 worth of expenses on. Because you never know what’ll happen.

That leaves you $130 a month extra to put in savings or to use in the event of an emergency! That’s awesome. Substitute your own numbers in, and figure out how much you can afford for rent. Immediately disregard any apartments that do not fit in this budget.

3. Step Three: The best way to find dependable apartments is to consult with your fellow apartment renters. Consult with coworkers, friends, family- anyone who is currently renting in the area that you would like to rent in. Get the inside scoop on potential apartments, both their advantages and their pitfalls. If you don’t know anyone who is renting where you’d like to rent, here are some other apartment hunting options:

  • Craigslist: Obviously
  • Drive-bys: Literally drive around until you find a cool looking apartment complex. Find their rental office and go right in, this is how I found my first apartment.
  • Your college: The Dean’s Office will have a list of apartment offerings to give kids who don’t qualify for on-campus housing.
  • This Site: A list of the top ranked apartment hunting sites.

4. Set up an appointment: After finding a potential apartment, consult with the landlord or apartment representative to set up a date and time to see the apartment. Respond promptly to any email or phone call they leave for you. On the flip side, if they aren’t prompt in their response to you RUN.

The first apartment I ever looked at, my boyfriend and I showed up on time and the landlord wasn’t there. We called her and she said that she was running late, and told us that the apartment was open and we could show ourselves inside. Serious red flag, but we gave it the benefit of the doubt and went in. Long story short, she never showed up. She gave us a tour of the apartment over the phone and kept saying that she was five minutes away, but never came. We later found out that her rental office was two minutes from the apartment we looked at. Talk about flakey! We told her we weren’t interested, if she can’t even show up to show us the apartment, how the hell can we depend on her to fix any problems we might have? Because you’re young and inexperienced, some landlords will try to give you the run around. Your age is no concern of their’s, and has no bearing on how you will act as a tenant. Here are some red flags for flaky landlords:

  • Not contacting you within one day of leaving them a message. Disregarding the weekends.
  • Not showing up when they say they will.
  • Repeatedly telling you that you’re “young” or “inexperienced”.
  • Telling you that the apartment “is good for college kids” or “a good first apartment” (that just means it’s a shit hole).
  • If they tell you that the apartment has a large turnover (people are leaving for a reason).
  • If you speak with one person on the phone, and meet a different person who shows you the apartment.
  • If they can’t or refuse to give you the exact rent amount.
  • If they tell you that have to “run some numbers” based on your history. An apartment’s rent should be the same for everybody.
  • If they can’t answer basic questions about service providers for the apartment.
  • If you get a weird vibe from them. Listen to your intuition! This is the person who is going to be responsible for fixing all your apartment related problems, you will be dealing with them every month at least. If they seem unreliable, don’t sign the lease!

5. Step Five: Find your appointment buddy! Never, ever, EVER go to look at a potential apartment by yourself. I don’t care how friendly Wendy seems online, she may be a serial killer. There’s no way to tell. Here’s a list of people who can accompany you:

  • Your older brother
  • Your boyfriend/girlfriend
  • Your Aunt Meredith
  • Your second cousin
  • Your friend who can scream really loudly
  • Your Mother
  • Your Step Mother
  • Your old nosey neighbor who smells like cats
  • Literally anyone you can trust

Bribe them with chocolate, I don’t care. Take someone with you! If you absolutely cannot find anyone to go with you, then you need to take additional precautions. Here are some options:

  • Kitestring
  • “Share My Location” on your Iphone
  • Pepper Spray
  • Posting to Facebook the address you are going to and when you are expected to arrive and leave.
  • Rescheduling your appointment to a date and time when you can be accompanied

Checklist

A mental checklist is good in theory, but will you remember it when you’re actually at the prospective apartment with your Aunt Meredith? I think not! Make a physical list of some of the following points, and feel free to add your own. my list is super extensive, but that’s just who I am. I am detail oriented.


Tuck this list in your back pocket and consult it when the person showing you the apartment is not looking.

Expense related

  • How much is the rent?
  • Is the rent just the rent, or are there any amenities included? Some apartments include heat, hot water, or electric expenses.
  • Is hot water included (if the apartment has a washer/dryer in it, then the water is probably a separate expense)?
  • What Internet service providers are available?
  • What electric service providers are available?
  • Do I have to pay for garbage removal?
  • What is the average electric expense that other renters deal with?
  • Ask when rent is due. Find out what the rent check procedure is.

Basic

  • What type of heating/cooling is provided?
  • What appliances are in the kitchen? *If there is no oven or fridge and you are required to buy your own then run*
  • What is the apartment complex turnover rate?
  • Do you have a choice of carpet vs. hard wood floors?
  • Will window blinds be provided? *If the apartment complex won’t pay for something as simple as window blinds then the landlord is a cheapskate and can’t be trusted*
  • Is there a “curfew”? Most apartments have a time of night when all the tenants are supposed to be quiet. This is generally not enforced.
  • What will your address be?

Additional

  • Is any furniture included?
  • Is there a Laundromat in the complex? If not where is the closest one?
  • Similarly, is the Laundromat in the complex card operated or quarter operated? Do you have to pay a fee for the card? Is there a quarter dispensing machine?
  • Will you be given a free parking permit? *If parking is not free then run*
  • Ask about local shopping and gas stations.
  • Ask where your mailbox will be.
  • Ask what their pet policy is. (some apartment complexes charge an fee)
  • Ask what their policy on repainting/decorating is.
  • Ask what their maintenance request policy is.
  • Ask where the nearest dumpster is.
  • How often does the complex loose power?
  • Is there a nearby police station or fire department?

General check

  • Check all cabinets (for bug infestations or mouse droppings or that they open properly).
  • Open all the windows and check to see that there are screens installed. Especially important for us cat owners! If there are no screens- are they going to install screens before you move in?
  • Check that all the light switches work.
  • Check that the water turns on.
  • Flush the toilet.
  • Check all the closet space (for size, mold, and water damage).
  • Check how all the doors are set (some apartments will put doors in incorrectly and they’ll never close properly).
  • Check the outlets (bring a phone chord and plug it in).
  • Check any balcony access.
  • Take a look at the paint- is it chipped? Is it stained? Will they be repainting?
  • Knock on the walls to see how hollow they are (hollow walls require studs if you want to hang anything up).
  • Open up the oven and make sure it’s clean. If it’s not clean make it clear that it should be cleaned if you want to move into the apartment. It’s not your job to clean up after the previous tenant.
  • Check that none of the floorboards are sticking up/creaking.
  • Check for nails and screws in between hardwood floor, tile and carpet (I’m not even kidding).
  • Check your phone to see how much cell service you have.
  • Can you hear any neighbors? Could you hear them in the hallway?

Final Decision

If the apartment you visited fits all your criteria, feel free to tell the landlord that you’re interested in pursuing this apartment. This way they can advise you of the next steps. Before you sign ANYTHING, visit the apartment complex twice more to make sure that everything is kosher. Do NOT tell the landlord that you will be coming by.

  • During the day: Do a drive-by of your prospective apartment to see what it looks like during the day. Is it safe? Are there lots of people standing around outside? Is it loud?
  • During the night: Come back another night to check the safety of your apartment. Ask yourself- would I feel comfortable taking the trash out late at night? Having friends over? If the answer is “no” then run…

Additional Resources

Apartment Setup: My post that briefly outlines locating, checking out, and setting up a new apartment. Also has some next steps that I’m not going over in this post. It’s pretty good if I do say so myself!

Apartment Hunting 101: A list of helpful resources all relating to locating and checking out potential apartments. Some of the links aren’t set up correctly, so you will need to copy and paste them into a new browser.

NYC Renters: This post is designed for NYC Renters, but the points are still valid even if you’re not renting in NYC. A must read!

Stuff Nobody Tells You: I love love LOVE @hipdomestic so much! They haven’t posted anything recently, but this blog is an incredible resource. Check out this post that really goes into depth about apartments.

Former Employment

Summary: Professor Stilinski is definitely not expecting to see his favorite porn star among the students of his Human Sexuality class.

Notes: Inspired by this ask. I don’t do power imbalance, so nothing happens until Derek is out of Stiles’ class. Also, while there are mentions of porn, there is no actual smut in this. Sorry. (On AO3)

@nogitsunelichen and @cobrilee – this is probably not what you had in mind, but I wrote it!


When Stiles pushes open the doors to the lecture hall, it’s completely empty. He blinks down at his watch in surprise, and realizes he made the walk across campus faster than he realized. There’s always an adjustment period at the beginning of every semester, where he figures out where his classrooms are and how long it’ll take to get there.

Well, he might as well utilize this time, then. He sits at the desk at the front of the room, and gets back to writing his proposal for a class on the influence of society on gender.

He gradually hears students come in as he works, but he keeps focused, because he knows he has at least another ten minutes before class starts.

But when he hears a student ask, “Hey, are you the professor?” he has to look up, and he begins to wish he’d done it a lot sooner.

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🎶🎶When You Collect Records🎶🎶
  • Hipster: *moves dusty old boxes out of the way* Whoa, an old record player. It looks like it's in working order too! *runs outside*
  • Hipster: Yo, dad!
  • Dad: What?
  • Hipster: We're getting rid of all of poppop's stuff, right?
  • Dad: There's something you want, isn't there?
  • Hipster: There's this old stereo record player in the attic.
  • Dad: What do you need a record player for?
  • Hipster: My record collection.
  • Dad: I didn't even know they still made those things. Can't you just listen to music on your phone?
  • Hipster: Dad, there's a big difference between listening to music digitally and on record.
  • Dad: Fine, I don't wanna get into it with you right now. You can take the record player. You just have to get someone else to take it to your place for you. My truck's full.
  • Hipster: Thanks dad! *smooches dad on the cheek*
  • *later at hipster's apartment*
  • Friend: So, like Patch Adams ends with Patch Adams half-naked in front of a ton of people. I don't know if it was meant to be funny or like a weird sex thing, but like the movie was just a deeply disturbing character study. I can't stop thinking about it.
  • Hipster: That sounds boring. *unlocks door to apartment* Ta-da! Here it is! My new record player!
  • Friend: New? Looks fucking old to me, dude.
  • Hipster: Well, it is old. That's the appeal. And we're going to listen to the new Sufjan record on it.
  • Friend: Is that actually how you say Sufjan? Apparently, I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time.
  • Hipster: Well, you won't after this record. There's an entire track where he just says his name for four minutes. It's amazing. *plays records*
  • Record Player: *coughs* Hello. Hello! Where am I? Doctor? Hello! Why is it so dark...............................Can I breathe? I can't breath. Oh god, I'm not breathing! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! I.....................................
  • Hipster: Uh, that's not Sufjan.
  • Friend: It totally isn't. Is it some guest vocalist? I like the new direction he's going in. No instruments or singing, and long stretches of silence. Very experimental.
  • Hipster: *stops record player* I think maybe we should do something else for now.
  • Friend: Fucking lame! I wanted to listen to more Sufjan.
  • *days later at the record store*
  • Hipster: Yo, I think the Sufjan Stevens record I bought from here might be some kind of mispress.
  • Store Clerk: Really? It's a pretty major album. I doubt there'd just be a mispress like that.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but listen to it. It's not Sufjan at all. It's some girl talking.
  • *hipster and clerk listen to a completely normal Sufjan Stevens album together*
  • Store Clerk: What are you talking about? This is definitely Sufjan Stevens.
  • Hipster: Okay, but it wasn't like that when I listened to it at home! I even listened to it with my friend and he heard the same thing!
  • Store Clerk: Maybe there's something wrong with your record player.
  • Hipster: Hmm, maybe there is.
  • *back at the apartment*
  • Hipster: *turns on record player and just listens*
  • Record Player: ...I'm awake again. Why did I black out? Did I even black out? God, I'm not breathing, but it doesn't matter. Why don't I need to breathe? Am I even alive?
  • Hipster: Can you hear me?
  • Record Player: Doctor. Doctor! DOCTOR! Why can't I move? Why can't I feel anything. Keep yourself together. It'll all make sense soon. Calm down. Just breathe deeply. Fuck, I can't breathe! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I CAN'T BREATHE! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! HELP! HELP ME, PLEASE! I'M STUCK! I CAN'T MOVE! PLEASE HELP ME!
  • Hipster: *turns off record player* It's just a recording, I bet. I can't believe I talked to it like an idiot... *nervously turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: I blacked out again. I blacked out. For how long? Is there even time here? Hell. This is hell, right? Did I go to hell.........................................
  • Hipster: *listens to the record player for hours*
  • Record Player: Negative 6893 bottles of wine on the wall! Negative 6893 bottles of wine! Take one down, pass it around, Negative 6894 bottles of wine on the wall... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • Hipster: *keeps listening*
  • Record Player: Soul of Christ, make me holy, Body of Christ, be my salvation. God, please forgive me. I'm sorry for all of my sins. Please free me. I'm so sorry. Please. Please. Please.
  • Hipster: *still listening*
  • Record Player: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! SHITTY DOCTOR! FUCK YOU! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! *sobs intensely* FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING! Please just let me go.
  • Hipster: *nervously walks up to record player and lightly taps on it*
  • Record Player: ...A knock. A KNOCK! PLEASE HELP ME! I'M STUCK! PLEASE! *record player begins shake violently*
  • Hipster: *backs away in fear*
  • Record Player: HELP! HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE, IF SOMEONE'S THERE, HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M STUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!
  • Hipster: *unplugs record player*
  • Hipster: *gets hammer from the closet and begins to break apart record player*
  • Record Player: *drips red*
  • Hipster: W-What? *cracks front of record player open*
  • *rotting viscera falls from the record player*
  • Hipster: O-Oh... *stuffs viscera back into the record player and duct tapes over it*
  • Hipster: *turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: ...I can feel. It hurts. Why does it hurt now? Why does it hurt? Why? Why? Why? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? *spurts blood through it speakers and begins to gurgle*
  • Record Player: *hops forward* Please just let me go. Please... please. I'll do anything. I just want to see you again. I'm so sorry. This isn't what I asked for. I'm so sorry. *hops forward again and comes unplugged*
  • Record Player: *tips over, bleeding heavily onto the carpet*
  • Hipster: *silently cleans up the mess*
  • *some time later*
  • Hipster: *calls dad* Hey, dad. Oh, nothing. Uh, I just need to borrow your truck, If not tonight sometime this week. I just need to get rid of something. No, no, that's fine, I can do it myself. Yeah, tomorrow morning is perfect. Thanks Love you too. Bye.
  • *the next afternoon*
  • Dad: So, what did you need to get rid of this morning?
  • Hipster: Nothing important. Just some old junk... Dad, what kind of person was poppop?
  • Dad: Well, he was only the greatest man I've known in my life. Really caring, dedicated to his family. When you were born he loved you so much. He was a bit of a loner, though. It took a lot to get him to open up. Even around me and your grandmother. He was a bit like you. Always a huge music lover.
  • Hipster: I see. Was he ever a doctor?
  • Dad: That's a weird thing to ask. Nope. He hated doctors. Didn't trust modern medicine one bit. It's ironic. His cancer probably wouldn't have gotten to him if he did. But, your poppop was always so stubborn.
  • Hipster: Oh, okay then.
  • *some days later*
  • Friend: New carpet?
  • Hipster: Yup, old one was ugly wasn't it. It was time for a change.
  • Friend: That's what I've been telling you! I'm glad you finally came to your senses. What happened to your record player, though?
  • Hipster: That thing? I threw it away. It was busted.
  • Friend: That sucks. Are you gonna buy a new one?
  • Hipster: No.
  • Friend: But you won't have anything to play your records on.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but I buy records because I want to support the artists. They're not really for listening. Besides, lossless is better. FLAC is the future.
50% OFF Starters pt 2
  • "If you continue your attempts at flirting, I will be forced to take DRASTIC measures."
  • "I like watching you from behind."
  • "Stunning deduction sherlock."
  • *demonic voice* "by the darkest sun that casts its menacing rays of the furthest madness, we sense your intentions, (name). the gibbering of mad cultists whisper wicked words to temporal winds, they inform us that you are not to be trusted. Usurper. Usurper."
  • "USURPER!"
  • "I've heard a lot about you and your extensive collection of tank tops, like I'm thinking about getting like 10 more."
  • "Calm down little dude."
  • "the fear of drowning is a primal one. it's a feeling of helplessness, of losing all control. struggling against an inevitable fate as your lungs fill with water..."
  • "I don't need a piece of paper to tell me how to swim or how to fuck Dean Winchester."
  • "You know I had a dream like this once, you surprisingly had more clothes on, though, at least at the start."
  • "ten bucks says he dies."
  • "I'm gonna go run my feelings off."
  • "Yeah it didn't work out... for them."
  • "I have to go scream confusing, end-of-the-world ramblings at people under the freeway."
  • "I feel like I should argue this, but the potential for implied sexual antics is far too appealing."
  • "do not be alarmed! I am about to be hilarious."
  • "Maybe you should stop dragging me to these rap battles then!"
  • "I WANT YOU TO SHARE THE THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME!"
  • "I was under the impression there would be implied sexual antics, time to take matters into my own hands!"
  • "This feels a little exploitative."
  • "I need a soda. Or therapy. Probably both."
  • "Yeah it started because K-pop concert security is tougher than it looks but I just got hooked on the feeling of crushing someones face in with a solid right cross."
  • "sHHSHHshhshhhhh shut up shut up! shh I SMELL BOYS BEING GAY."
  • "Excuse me I am trying to scream my feelings into your mouth!"
  • "That wasn't hot... it was just fucking weird..."
  • "It's not what I would have you in, but I do appreciate beauty in all its many forms. mostly that cute booty though."
  • "hey, the heart wants what the heart wants."
  • "It may be hard to believe, but recently I lost the ability to read."
  • "Just because you can't read the words, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the book in a different way."
  • "boom! done. advice over. let's go get shitfaced!"
  • "Alright I brought the bitch-board for (name)."
  • "Alright let's call it what it is, a sissy paddle."
  • "calm down (name) we weren't talking about your internet search history."
  • "MY SWEET BABY SWAM!"
  • "didn't we make a pact to stop her from doing this weeb shit?"
  • "this better not be anymore or (name)'s weird porn!"
  • "Please call the police, because I look so good in this it should be against the law! uh, don't actually call the police though, I WILL incriminate all of you."
  • "Yeah but didn't they train on those islands where all those teenagers were killed? ...and those witch burnings happened? ...and all that toxic waste was spilled?"
  • "if you die, I get fired and I like this job. people don't ask questions here."
  • "fish-men walk among us. conquerers of land, BORN FROM THE OCEAN--"
  • "I don't need him to make weird pornography, I have prawns for that."
  • "Finally moving out, son? I'd like to say it's been fun. I'd like to. But I won't."
  • "hey check me out! I'm on a bout!"
  • "Sit down and stop making 2009 references!"
  • "nah, I scream enough at the unforgiving void of space."
  • "DON'T STEAL MY BONES!"
  • "You know, the ocean goblin? He lives in the ocean and if you don't brush your teeth he steals your bones."
  • "Ok I'm done for the day. If anyone needs me I'm gonna be in the tent looking at weird porn."
  • "Hey, you miss every ball you don't hit."
  • "You say 'you people' like you're not part of the family. I've got some news for you, you're already on the christmas card."
  • "You think these antics would fly at the german club?"
  • "brush your teeth, kid."
  • "Can you hear it? the ocean... it wants blood."
  • "I'm the best damn shot we've got."
  • "You know, when I was a kid, before my dad got hit by that train, he said, '(name) don't let your friends swim out into the ocean and get stranded on the haunted island of camp kill-a-teen.' and here we are... stranded on the... haunted island of camp kill-a-teen..."
  • "that's fair."
  • "hey tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumbass!"
  • "It's fine, baby, if you get scared you can squeeze my hand."
  • "now let's make like scooby-doo and split up to find a clue."
  • "In 1991 a case was discovered where a man had the remains of over fifteen victims hidden in his apartment, over 40% of which were stored within his refrigerator. do you know how unsanitary that is?"
  • "you're so cute when you never shut up. Now shut up."
  • "all hail decision cube!"
  • "that's when you started walking on the wild side, right?"
  • "I AM NOT SOME PETTY CRIMINAL!"
  • "Does anyone want to hear my tragic backstory?"
  • "Bed? But what about possible axe-murderers?"
  • "And we solved the curse of the island, and realized that the real axe murderer was love, all along."
  • "It was a good night for all of us, let's spend more nights in abandoned lighthouses."
  • "That hottie from the track team is here and I wanna ask politely is he wants to get rowdy in the back of my dad's Prius."
  • "YOU CAN'T CATCH ME GAY THOUGHTS"
nursey week day 1 - silence

Nursey hadn’t prepared for how weird this would feel. He only played with Jack for one year, after all. He shouldn’t be that weirded out by seeing him across the ice during warm-ups. He is, though, and he’s not quite sure why. Maybe it’s because Jack was his first real captain, or maybe Jack had pretty much become synonymous with NHL for Nursey these past three years. Like playing Jack makes it official, like he’s really in the big leagues now.

He’s more nervous than he’d like to admit.

Jack talks to him a little during warm-ups, both of them standing at center ice. It’s mostly terrible chirps on Jack’s end and then a weird, tense moment where Jack had said “Welcome to the show, Nursey,” and patted him on the back and Nursey had to remember that he’s not supposed to cry on the ice, especially before the game even starts.

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Third Date, First Kiss

Steve smiled to himself as he watched Peter empty out his closet to find the perfect outfit for his date. He wanted something “nice, but not trying too hard.”

“Isn’t he adorable? I can remember being that young, innocent and excited.”, Steve leaned his head onto Tony’s shoulder wistfully.

Tony took a sip of his coffee and scoffed, “’Innocent’ my ass. That little boyfriend of his is gonna pull something soon, I can tell.”

“What makes you think that?”

“It’s their third date.”

Steve frowned a little and glanced up at his husband, “What’s significant about that?”

“The third date is when most people deem it acceptable to sleep with their partner. Some might even say you’re a prude if you don’t.”

Steve thought about this for a moment. Wade was a little bit older than Peter, and Peter was so naïve, he probably didn’t even know what he was in for. He needed to protect his son from this horn-dog, disgusting pervert that Peter calls his boyfriend.

There was a knock on the door and Peter peaked out his door at his parents, “Dad, can you get the door?”

“Why don’t you get it, you’re right there?”, Tony said with disinterest as he took another sip of coffee.

“I can’t just open it, I have to make him wait a while.”

Tony rolled his eyes, “He can wait outside.”

Peter turned his attention to Steve, “Pop, pleeeaaase?”

Steve chuckled as he walked over to the door and let Wade in. Wade stood awkwardly in the kitchen as Tony stared into his soul, enjoying Wade’s discomfort. Peter walked out a few minutes later to greet Wade, who immediately handed over the bouquet of wildflowers he had been holding.

“Flowers? For me? Oh, you shouldn’t have!”, Peter gushed, obviously flattered and embarrassed.

“Can you believe it?”, Tony deadpanned as Peter rushed to put the flowers in a vase on the table.

“Okay, well, we’re on our way to the movies. I’ll text you guys so you know where we are so if I die you’ll know where to start looking for my body.”

“Okay, sweetie, have fun.”, Steve smiled as the couple walked out. The door closed and he immediately whipped around to face his husband and frantically stage whispered, “We have to put a stop to this.”

Tony’s face lit up for the first time all day.

~             ~             ~

Peter and Wade sat down in the theater, quietly giggling amongst themselves. Steve and Tony sat several rows behind them in terrible make-shift disguises. Steve kept pulling his baseball cap down over his face in an attempt to avoid eye contact while Tony adjusted the scarf warped around his head and refused to take off his excessively large sunglasses.

Peter sat with the popcorn bucket in his lap, mindlessly eating as he watched the movie. Because of this he almost didn’t notice Wade slipping an arm around him. Peter didn’t realize that it was possible to simultaneously melt and tense up, but here he is.

Tony started to slap Steve’s thigh quietly but frantically at the sight of Wade’s arm around his son.

“What?!”, Steve hissed, afraid that Tony would attract attention to them and get them kicked out of the theater.

Tony dramatically pointed to Wade and Peter and in a moment of pure silence Steve gave an audible gasp. The two ducked down just in time to avoid Peter turning around and seeing that they’re spying on his date. They slowly rose back into their seats and intently watched as Wade inched closer and closer to Peter, who was staring straight ahead at the big screen. Right as Wade was about to lean in for a kiss, a bucket of popcorn came mysteriously flying towards him and hit him in the face.

Wade and Peter turned and looked around but saw nothing suspicious.

“Huh. That was weird. Are you okay?”, Peter asked.

“Yeah, of course. I wonder who threw that.”

~             ~             ~

Wade and Peter walked arm in arm into the restaurant with Tony and Steve walking several feet behind them. Peter laughed and talked with his boyfriend as his parents hid behind their menus a few tables away. Tony nonchalantly peered over his menu to see the boys as they talked and laughed while Steve worked on constructing a menu fort on the table.

They sat like this for quite some time, watching the boys and repeatedly asking the waiter for more time to look at the menu and water refills. The waiter arrived with Wade and Peter’s food and Tony groaned to see that they were sharing a plate of spaghetti.

“It’s like that kids movie with the dogs,” Steve murmured, excited to be able to make a movie reference that Tony would get.

“I would tell you to be more specific because dog-themed-kids-movies is probably its own genre at this point, but yes. It is like that kids movie with the dogs.”

“Oh, uh… you’ve got a little something right there. On your lip,” Wade chuckled as he motioned to his own face.

Peter blushed slightly and tried to wipe it off, “Better?”

“No, other side. Here, lemme just…” Wade leaned across the table and gently wiped some sauce off of Peter’s bottom lip. He couldn’t help but smile as he looked into Peter’s eyes and let his hand rise to caress his cheek. Wade’s voice fell to a low whisper, “There. Perfect as usual.”

Peter’s heart skipped a beat as Wade started to lean in closer. What if he had garlic breath? What if he still had spaghetti sauce on his lips? What if Wade thinks he’s a horrible kisser and he pretends not to notice but he never calls again and when he drops him off later it will be the last time he ever sees him and oh my god-

Suddenly some man in a headscarf dramatically bumped into a waiter carrying a tray of drinks that toppled over onto Peter and Wade.

~             ~             ~

Tony and Steve were rushing to get home before Wade and Peter did and realized that they had been gone this whole time. They got into the house just in time to see Wade’s car pull up from the window.

“Okay, they’re home.” Steve let out a sigh of relief. “They aren’t going to do anything sexual, everything is going to be okay.”

“Unless they decide to have a quickie in the backseat,” Tony said before taking a sip of his now cold coffee.

“…unless they WHAT?!”

“I had a really great time tonight, thanks for taking me out,” Peter said as he smiled shyly at Wade from the passenger seat.

“Yeah, no, totally, thanks for coming. Everything’s always more fun when you’re around anyways. Here, uh, let me walk you to the door. Don’t move,” Wade flashed a smile at his new boyfriend and ran around to open his car door for him.

They slowly walked in silence up to the front door and turned to face each other.

“Sooo… I’ll call you later. When I get home, if you want,” Wade glanced down and shuffled his feet a bit.

“Yeah, uh, I’d like that. You know, if you want to. But it’s almost curfew so I should probably head inside.”

“Oh, yeah, okay. So, uhh. Goodnight,” Wade turned around and started heading back towards his car.

“Wade?”

He immediately spun around, “Yeah, Pete?”

Peter took a few steps forward, grabbed the collar of Wade’s t-shirt and smashed his lips into his boyfriend’s. Wade stood stunned for a second before melting into it and placing one hand on Peter’s neck and the other on his cheek. They finally broke apart and Peter took a few steps backwards towards the front door. He opened it and stepped inside as Wade stood with a happy, stunned look on his face.

“Goodnight, Wade”, Peter smiled flirtatiously as he closed the door.

Wade couldn’t wipe the huge smile off his face as he slid over the hood of his car and hopped back into the driver’s seat. He leaned his back and just stared at the ceiling for a while, soaking up the best feeling he’s had in a long time.

~hope y’all aren’t lactose intolerant bc this is CHEESY~

topaz-rabbit  asked:

You know how Mr Alan Ituriel joked about being Black Hat's dad. Okay, what if that were true, and Mr Ituriel was his dad and raised him since he was a barely sentient eldritch squid baby monster thing. How's that possible if BH is probably really fucking old. Easy Mr Ituriel would be some immortal that one day was like"yep, I'm going to raise this demon. Sounds fun." But he's the most suburban of dads ever, but never tried stifling BH's evil tendencies, he encouraged them even.

(Continued) Like Mr Ituriel has seen his son kill several men, and was just like ‘eh, kids will be kids.’ He is an immortal that gives no fucks. He is one of the few humans BH can say he’s ‘fond’ of (will never say it out loud) The one time he visited his son, because he’s a proud pop pop of his sons success and see how he’s doing because HE NEVER CALLS. So as a slight act of payback, he tells EMBARRASSING stories ‘Remember when your powers started to come in Hattie? You scared yourself silly!’

((I am torn between staying consistent with my personal theories and completely abandoning them for this great hc. So let’s just say I’m gonna be very contradictory with whatever the fuck I post, because oh man Normal Dad Alan Ituriel is a very good idea indeed.))

  • Alan, an immortal demi-human with abnormal morals who lives in the Mexican suburbs, is walking by an alleyway or something when he hears some kind of blood-curdling screech
  • naturally his first instinct is ‘oooh what the fuck is that let’s go find out.’ so he looks in a dumpster, and finds one dead-looking prostitute with some kind of Alien-franchise-esque parasite abomination thing crawling out of her chest cavity. It’s covered in blood, seems to be only made of wriggling black tentacles, and hissing.
  • “Aww, cute! Come on little guy, let’s get you cleaned up.” He kinda scoops him up with a shopping bag; he may be immortal, but fuck touching whatever fluids those are. Alan casually carries his writhing, screaming horrorterror baby home in a yellow plastic bag, and promptly throws it into the tub.
  • (Cue the insane bathtime montage where Alan locks it in the bathroom and sprays it with the showerhead until it’s clean enough to touch. BH tries to “kill” him (his hand) several times. Alan laughs.)
  • Once BH is thoroughly doused, he resembles a drenched eldritch cat, a soggy, angry bundle of wriggling flesh, multiple eyes, and gnashing teeth. He has not stopped trying to bite Alan.
  • Alan grabs him by the “scruff” and he immediately starts fighting back. He puts him in a cage until BH tires himself out from screaming and pounding at the bars. The two just stare at each other for a moment, silently regarding the other.
  • Alan sits in front of it and throws a small piece of raw meat into the cage. BH devours it in seconds. Alan unlocks the cage. BH instantly tries to attack him again. Alan puts him back in the cage. He waits a few minutes for the tantrum to end, then repeats the process.
  • eventually BH realizes he can get more food if he stays still for longer. so he stops fighting back and let’s Alan lure him closer, piece by piece. Eventually Alan has BH practically in his lap, literally eating out of the palm of his hand. With more food in him, he’s calmed down a bit. Alan smiles. Okay, this is pretty cute.
  • Only Alan would find BH eating cute tbh, it’s quite fucking disgusting how much raw meat has been spilled all over the place
  • Eventually BH is sated, becoming sleepy and much more complacent. He bites very, very weakly when Alan picks him up. Alan kind of cradles him like a baby, then pets him like a cat. The tentacles quiver. “Weird.” He thinks that means he likes it? BH falls asleep in Alan’s arms. “Cool.”
  • Fast forward a couple months, when BH exits the “larval stage.” That outer casing of tentacles is basically a cocoon, and BH eats and grows and eats and grows until he goes from small cat-sized to human-toddler sized. Then he stops fucking moving.
  • Alan freaks out thinking that he’s killed his adopted son after poking him with a stick for a day doesn’t do anything. Then, the outer casing splits open. BH re-emerges from his “pupal stage” as a fully-grown juvenile, basically a one-year old child. He looks like a miniature version of his current form, but without the dapper clothes or any teeth, and with two open eyes. Alan literally squeals and hugs him. BH tries to bite him again. Some things never change.
  • From there it’s basically like raising a baby, with a couple more eldritch aspects. BH grows twice as fast as an ordinary human. Alan dresses him in adorable baby clothes, not because he needs them, but because it makes him look “soooooo cuuuuute!!!”
  • BH’s teeth grow in, and Alan has to use metal teething rings when normal plastic doesn’t work. BH’s learns how to walk with Alan holding his hands. BH’s claws grow in and Alan files them down for him so he doesn’t hurt himself.
  • It takes about a month or so for BH to start talking. Normally he makes little eldritch blurbles that would make a human’s bones melt. Alan just repeats normal words that sound vaguely similar. Eventually BH gets the hang of it. (BH always claims that his first word was “evil”, but it’s his and Alan’s closest-kept secret that it was actually “papá”)
  • Black Hat’s powers come in during his “evil puberty.” He wakes up one morning feeling a little odd and… shimmery? It feels like his body isn’t quite there, like he’s almost floating outside of his flesh. Then he looks down, focusing on his arm. It solidifies more, feels less fuzzy. He focuses again, bringing the fuzziness back, and watches as it changes
  • “DAD HOLY FUCK”
  • Alan is kind of nervous as BH demonstrates how he can turn his arm into an actual, functioning snake. He gets even more nervous when BH starts sleep-teleporting. Alan wakes up with BH on the roof, BH in the garden, BH on the floor of his room, and BH a couple streets away. He always manages to find his son though, he just has to hurry before BH wakes up. (The first time Black Hat woke up after a sleep-teleport, he was confused and scared and started ripping dimensional holes trying to get home. Alan found him about a town over, but it had been quite the scare.)
  • Shortly after this, BH’s “edgy” phase started. (“MY NAME IS MR. WUT NOW DAD”) Alan never really tried to talk him out of it, instead just giving him the eldritch version of “The Talk.”
  • “Now I know that lately your body has been going through some… changes, and I know that might be scary. But any, uh, urges you feel are completely natural, and–” “DAD FOR FUCK’S SAKE I KNOW ALREADY, OKAY?? I’ve been murdering people for like, five months now.” “Oh, okay, if you ever need any, protection, or help hiding a body, you know you can always ask–” “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM!

It’s a great relationship they have. BH moves out a couple years later to start his business, and refuses to call Alan (out of pride? probably??) Alan doesn’t let him get away that easily, and each year he makes several unannounced visits. It almost always results in some kind of one-sided yelling match between the angry Black Hat and his cheerful dad, as his horrified employees listen on…

dabard95  asked:

Imagine Percy has gone off to help some hapless campers once again, and Annabeth isn't too worried because come on, it's PERCY. Then she reaches into her pocket for something, some change or her keys maybe, and instead she pulls out Riptide in its pen form.

Her fingers close around something narrow and smooth, and Annabeth’s heart stutters to a stop in her chest. 

The kids are dancing around her knees, squealing and hitting out at each other, each calling for her attention, and the baby’s balanced on her hip and crying because her favourite pacifier has gone missing and the gods know she won’t accept any replacements. They’re running horrendously late for lunch with Frederick, and it’s pure chaos, but everything slows down as Annabeth pulls her hand out of her pocket and looks down to see the pen. The magical pen that is always meant to find its way back to Percy’s pocket.

But it’s not in Percy’s pocket, it’s in hers, and that means that he’s gone out to help rescue some campers stranded by the Hudson without any weapon.

Oh, shit.

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