one day at a time

Did pretty well today...

With hitting my eating goals. Calories are UNDER goal of 2000 at 1875, although carbs went a bit high at 33g cos I had spaghetti squash for dinner. I didn’t mindlessly snack on ANYTHING or eat when I wasn’t hungry. I also only had one pack of artificial sweetener today, which has been an issue lately with over-consumption.

I’m low on my water, only managing 3 of my 4 bottles, or 96 ounces … but still, that’s a pretty good amount of water, I think.

All in all, a pretty good start to the SISC reboot. I’m pleased. Gonna go take Bob for his walk and go to bed so I don’t mess this up. :)

Daddy Issues

My first love was my father. I love him to this day and I know that he loves me. He is an honest, strong man and has always been a wonderful provider. The only thing that my life lacked growing up was his attention and I still yearn for it today.

My father worked away from home most of my life and I have almost no memory of him before my age of ten. What I do remember is that when my father was home, we (I have two older sisters) were never his primary focus. I always felt that we were in the way and at times even unwanted. He was not a doting father.

I am 43 years old now and have two children of my own. Although I never doubt my fathers love for me, I still crave his attention. I still crave some sort of acknowledgement that I am here and that I am important. I am constantly disappointed and it kills me, so I am trying to come to terms with this by letting go of my expectations that this 78 year old man is suddenly going to change. I am trying to accept my father and his love just as they are. He may not love me the way that I need to be loved, but it is the best way he knows how and that has nothing to do with me.

"Even little things like yesterday can be hard to leave behind, but carrying them with me is even harder".

~ Lena Slaughter

Me and my seven year old niece were at Starbucks today and I was telling her about the gruesome details of the great skeleton war. She was adamant that there was no such thing, so I turned to my total stranger of a barista, asked her to verify that there was indeed a glorious battle taking place amongst the mightiest of skeletons, and she wholeheartedly confirmed that there was.

Hours later, the niece calls me up. She’s incredibly concerned about her skeleton’s battle techniques, as it is still young and inexperienced in such matters. Don’t worry, kiddo. It’ll learn with time.

Everyone in your life was meant to be there at one point or another, but not all of them are meant to stay.
—  Lena Slaughter

I have not been very fond of myself lately. I have indulged in negative thinking and have been very short on patience. I have let people annoy me and allowed my nerves to unravel. I have spoken unkindly of others and have harbored resentment. All of which create within me, depression and the desire to drink.

Perhaps this is because my routine has been interrupted or because I have been unable to practice yoga. Maybe three weeks of rain has taken its toll and a cold has got me down. Maybe everyone has gone crazy except me. Obviously, I can create a multitude of excuses. I can pretend that my behavior is caused by forces outside of myself, thus making it acceptable. But that will only create more problems, anxiety and resentment. Unfortunately, the only way back to self love is not an easy route. I must do the work and look internally. I have to accept responsibility for my happiness, reject negative thoughts and correct my own behavior.

Please excuse me, it appears I have much work to do.

~ Lena Slaughter