on the knees

This morning in “things my binky obsessed son has done,” he’s:
1. Gotten up to get his bottle, noticed two binkies on the floor nearby, stopped, stared at the bottle, stared at the binkies, stared at the bottle, stared at the binkies, and finally compromised by picking up the bottle and one binky.
2. Been unable to drink from the bottle because, ya know, there’s a very important hand binky in his other hand (this is of course aside from the binky in his mouth).
3. Given up on the bottle so he could hold two extra binkies.
4. Gone around the room and picked up every other binky and held them over his head triumphantly.
5. Played an elaborate shell game of some kind where he seizes my hand and makes me hold the binkies, including taking the one from his mouth to put in my hand, before choosing a different one and putting it in his mouth instead. Repeat process like four times.
6. Gotten mildly irked when he moved on to a different game so I put the binkies down.
7. Taken my hand again and made me hold a binky.

When I say he’s obsessed, I ain’t kidding…

(And yes there are numerous binkies just around. All things considered I feel that’s just wise parenting…)

Sometimes Tumblr is a great way to find community, share knowledge and experiences and perspectives and see the world in radically new ways.

But most times Tumblr is just a bunch of sad (not in an insulting way. Just really sad and depressed) angry people who are so beaten down by the world that they can no longer see difference without threat, triggering each other, refusing to acknowledge each other’s humanity and basically whipping each other into an exhausting froth for no real reason. We’re not communities, we’re mobs with pitchforks aimed at each other.

When I joined Tumblr, it was the only place where my anger as a result of trauma and oppression was valid and powerful. Seeing the inequalities happening in the world, my minority status validated but forced into a self-examination of privilege changed me as a person and my worldview. But Tumblr culture also fails to acknowledge that anger is only good as a catalyst, that holding onto it for too long is dangerous and can warp you. Anger is exactly like fire; if it is not carefully doused and contained it will burn everything in its path including you.

I have grown more educated but but I have not grown wiser, I have not grown more patient and tolerant and I don’t know if I’ve become less of a toxic, overreactive bully. I think I’m still toxic, overreactive and bully-prone, only from a different political viewpoint. And yeah, a lot of that is trauma and mental illness, but I’ve never made that an excuse for anything and I can’t start now.

I can’t see people for ideology anymore, I dismiss and dehumanize entire swathes of people for their politics, I lose sight of the fact that people are more than their politics and every time I lose my shit at people and call them names on here, my behaviour is validated as warranted. I’m feeding a horribly toxic, purist morality culture that uses whataboutism and identity as weapons, I encourage isolation and insularity under the guise of self-care. I’m actually yelling into an echo chamber and expecting it to do anything for either my personal growth or anyone else’s, my politics are to me are what religion is to other people except without the emphasis on spiritual nourishment. It would actually be more beneficial to my agnostic atheist ass at this point to get religion.

I’m thirty, what the entire fuck am I doing.