on the kitchen table

Title: To Catch a Virgil Under the Mistletoe
Pairing: platonic moxiety and heavily implied mutual pining analogical. not even implied, it’s right there. they loooooove each other. but this is about patton. i think.
A/N: IT’S CHRISTMAS, YA SCROOGES! *throwing tinsel and garland around like a mad person* HALLOWEEN WHO?

Patton was determined to catch Virgil under that darned mistletoe.  He’d already caught Roman and Logan under it several times, happy to kiss their cheeks every time, but Virgil was quick.  Ever since they’d put the plant above the doorway to the kitchen, Virgil had adopted a sprint to get himself out of their quick enough. He’d be up the stairs and in his room before Patton could even get out of his chair!  No fair!

Patton pouted about this to Roman, who’d happily planted a kiss on Patton’s cheek not ten minutes earlier when he came downstairs for breakfast. Virgil snuck in not a moment later to get a cup of coffee.

“Morning, Mr. No Kisses!” Patton greeted.

Virgil gave a small wave and took a sip, “Gotta go,” he said before quickly making his way to the door, only to be stopped by Logan.

Right under the mistletoe.  “U-um…”  Virgil looked around, blushing when he saw how Patton and Roman looked at the two of them. Before Virgil could say anything else, however, he felt a pair of lips on his cheek.  Quick as they were there, they pulled away, leaving the anxious side blushing like mad.  “OK, see you later, I guess, maybe, uh-!” Virgil stuttered and stumbled as he pushed past Logan, stumbling over his own feet as he scrambled up the stairs cursing about the coffee on his hands.

“Well, that was unexpected…” Logan mumbled, pushing his glasses up to hide his face as he stepped into the kitchen.

“No fair that you caught him first!” Patton whined, throwing his head back.  “You weren’t even trying!”  

Roman snickered off to the side, teasing and poking at Logan, who swatted him away.


It was two days before Christmas, and Patton still hadn’t caught Virgil under the mistletoe.  Logan had caught him twice more, and even Roman had gotten him once. Oh, it was absolutely adorable to watch, but Patton couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous.  

“What are you doing up, Pat?” Virgil asked as he came in the kitchen.  Patton looked up from the presents on the table and gave a yawn, looking up at the clock on the wall.  Yikes, midnight.

“Wrapping…why are you up?”

“I just needed a drink…” Virgil said, reaching up in the cabinet for a cup.  He poured a glass of milk and sat down across from Patton, popping his bare feet up on the table.  “Wrapped mine yet?” he teased, lifting the paper up.

Yes,” Patton said with a giggle, moving the paper out of the way.

“What’dja get me?”

“Not telliiiiing!” Patton snickered and pushed Virgil’s feet off the table.  “Have you and Roman gotten Logan’s Santa present done?”

“Yeah, it’s in Ro’s room since he’s less likely to go in there,” Virgil said, taking another drink.  Patton giggled and shook his head, still finding what they were doing to poor Logan mean.  Virgil squirmed a bit, looking back at the clock as he sighed.  “I should probably go back to bed…”

“Yeah, I need to hit the hay, too,” Patton said.  The both of them got up and headed for the doorway, and it hit Virgil first.  

Crap.

He needed to knock that darn thing down, this was ridiculous. But, judging by the noise Patton was making, Virgil didn’t have a way out of this.  Quick as a flash, Virgil pressed a kiss to Patton’s cheek and bolted up the stairs.  “Merry Christmas, Dad!”

Patton grinned goofily, tongue jutting out just slightly. Virgil was so cute!  He could see where Logan was coming from!

Tag List: @undertakershairline @mewsicalmiss @romananalogicality @rose-gold-roman @thegoldenmink @the-prince-and-the-emo @theawesomestofsauces @jellyjam24 @all-da-fandoms @the-sanders-sides @amazable01 @milk-withtwosugars @bbcanimefangirl @analogically-prinxiety @asexual-trashbag @calz-craze @gayfagg @gracefullyinsanedancingunicorn @phandemoniumclub @virgils-anxiety @natalie-wheres-the-tampons @hrtnsolofytube @greymane902 @ashrain5 @fandom-screamings @mira-jadeamethyst @cefmua56 @colie7700 @madd-catter @leesacrakon @a-blog-just-for-sanders @doesdanielhowelisgay @viva-la-nordics @just-fic-me-up @justanotherpurplebutterfly @thebeautyofthomas @emo-space-trash @i-prayed-to-you-cas @satisfied-sanders-sides @virgilient @thebaagelboy @tree4life25 @questionmenot @fandomsandanythingelse @ireblogstuff-andineedalife @shimmerthenerd @beholdagay @evanisonfire @thesides @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @thestrangest-of-them-all @kai-dot-jpg @nerdy-emo-royal-dad @cosmic-chu @nightmaretyrantvantas @penthouseinthesky @meginoi @emma123patka @rainbowtiger34 @pumakittycat @save-the-spiral @evilmuffin @consultinghuntertimelady @anxious-but-whatever @cloversinthesun @parano-vigilant @polishu @wingednightmares @unpreparedfangirl

Batfam as things my fam has said

Dick: *tells a joke*

*silence*

Dick: Okay, but when it’s about my life, everyone laughs.

——————–

Jason: I’m really trying, and it’s just not working.

Tim: There is no try. Only do.

Jason: I don’t think Star Wars is really going to help me right now.

Tim: *scoffs* Shows what you know.

Dick: You know, I’m proud he got that reference.

——————-

Jason: *messes up*

Bruce: *addresses the younger kids* Okay, he’s older. That means you should all learn from his mistakes or risk being just as much of a fuck-up.

Jason: Dad!

Bruce: *raises an eyebrow*

Jason: *sighs* It’s true.

——————-

Bruce: Okay Tim, you need some sleep.

Tim: You know, I’ve got enough problems in my life without you shoving your mainstream ideals and corporate agendas down my throat.

Bruce: …?

Tim: Yeah, goodnight.

———————

Dick: Okay, but if cotton shirts shrink when they get wet, does that mean sheep shrink when they get wet?

Jason: Bro, sheep produce wool.

Dick: Really?

Jason: Cotton comes from a fucking plant.

Dick: *in a small voice* So…sheep….don’t shrink…..when they get….wet….?

Tim: I think your brain shrinks when it gets wet.

———————–

Damian: *walks into the kitchen at 12:00 a.m.* *sees Dick laying on the table crying*

Damian: So this is adulthood.

*like a month after that*

Damian: *walks into the kitchen late at night again* *sees Jason sitting in front of the fridge just staring while holding a jug of milk*

Damian: Is this like a thing? Does every adult in this family have mental breakdowns in the kitchen late at night?

Bruce: You’ll understand it someday.

Damian: *turns the light on* *sees Bruce sitting on the counter with a single piece of bread*

Damian: What was I born into?

———————–

*at McDonald’s*

Dick and Jason: *get their own food*

Tim and Damian: *have to share*

Damian: Dad, that’s not fair. Why do we have to share?

Jason: Because we’re older, nimrod. We’ve paid our dues.

Dick: Yeah. I’m older than all of you. Dad had to raise me before he knew what the fuck he was doing.

Bruce: Jokes on all of you. I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

———————

Jason: *ruins the end of a movie the others haven’t seen*

Dick: You know, there’s a special place in hell for people like you.

Damian: Yeah, it’s this family.

——————–

*at the pediatrician’s*

Bruce and Damian: *waiting for the doctor*

Bruce: *starts opening the cabinets* *finds the latex gloves* *starts stuffing them in his pockets*

Damian: Um, Dad? What are you doing…?

Bruce: I use these when I’m working. I like the ones from my doctor better. These are all meant for small hands.

Damian: Well maybe you shouldn’t be stealing from your son’s pediatrician then—or your doctor for that matter.

Bruce: Maybe your pediatrician shouldn’t have such small hands.

Damian: That is so not the problem with this situation.

(I know Bruce is hella rich, but my fam isn’t. lolol)

——————-

*getting free samples from the store*

Bruce: Okay, Jason take your jacket off and go up there again. She’s elderly and will probably think your someone else.

Jason: *rolls his eyes* *goes anyway*

Dick: Dad, that is horrible.

Bruce: Do you want lunch son? 

Dick: Yes?

Bruce: Okay then. Roll your shorts up, put your hair in a ponytail, and pretend you’re my daughter.

Tim: We’re all going to hell.

———————

Dick, Tim and Jason: *fighting over what movie to watch*

Damian: *gives a suggestion* *gets ignored*

Dick, Tim and Jason: *keep fighting*

Damian: Hello!

Dick, Tim and Jason: *still ignore him* *still fighting*

Damian: I DEMAND ATTENTION, YOU ASSHOLES!

Dick, Tim and Jason: *turn to Damian in shock*

Damian: That’s right. I am capable of speaking. I may be the youngest, but I still exist.

———————-

Jason: Hey, Dick?

Dick: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE TO DIE!

Jason: What’s wrong with him?

Tim: Someone ate all the Lucky Charms.

———————-

Jason: How do you know when a fish is dead?

Dick: That’s an ominous question.

Jason: But like, how do you know?

Dick: I don’t know. Usually if they’re upside down at the top of the water.

Jason: So…laying at the bottom of the bowl all pale and colorless probably means dead, right?

Dick: JASON WHAT DID YOU DO?

Jason: I DON’T KNOW! I think I fed him too much. I mean, he just kept eating. I figured he was just that hungry!

Dick: Damian is going to kill you.

Jason: This is like his fifth fish. How attached could he have been, really?

———————–

Damian: I thought I said that this family was banned from going anywhere near my fish. Why do you all keep killing my pets? Dad freaking swallowed one!

Jason: Wow Dad. I just overfed one. At least I didn’t eat it. 

Bruce: That wasn’t my fault! You shouldn’t be putting them in water bottles!

Damian: I WAS CLEANING HIS BOWL!

———————–

Tim: Why is the world against me?

Damian: Is that rhetorical or would you like me to answer?

———————–

Dick: *wakes up* I really feel like today is going to be a good day.

Dick: *spills his bowl of cereal on himself*

Dick: I’m going to go to bed now.

Bruce: Dick, you just woke up.

Dick: Well the world doesn’t seem to care!

————————

Tim: Can you have a midlife crisis at 17?

Damian: I don’t even think I’ll make it to 17.

Jason: I’m pretty sure I died the day I turned 19.

Dick: I’ve been having a midlife crisis for the past three years.

Tim: So that’s a yes.

————————

Bruce: I miss being young and childless.

Jason: As your child, that’s just so nice to hear.

————————-

Bruce: Why aren’t you in school right now?

Dick: Dad, why does life feel like an endless abyss of self-loathing and humiliation?

Bruce:

Bruce: I’m just going to call and say you have the flu.


You can’t tell me that there aren’t conspiracy theories galore about Bruce Wayne being The Batman and you can’t tell me that his kids don’t fuel them like their life depends on it


•Tim has an entire fucking page dedicated to it

•"I found this sitting on the kitchen table this morning" *pulls out batarang*

•*a picture of what looks like a cape hanging off the back of the couch on Dick’s Instagram page* “mighty suspicious”

•"now that you mention it, Father is rarely home on nights batman is patrolling"

•"all I’m saying is that those old mine shafts go under the house"

•"you know, Jason did go missing right around the time Robin went missing" “it’s true. I could have been Robin and not remember it. Would explain the scars”

•"When Bruce is yelling it sounds a lot like Batman’s voice. It’s pretty freaky"

•*snapchat videos of what appears to be a super grainy batman entering the manor*

•"have you seen Alfred’s car? It’s totally the batmobile"

•"listen Linda, Bruce is the CEO of a technology company. One of the only company’s that has the same tech as batman" “he is always placing weird orders” “see, Damian knows”

•"I saw a bunch of bats fly out of the chimney this morning when I was coming home"

•*super bad candid of Bruce* “loOK HE TOTALLY HAS THE SAME FUCK OFF FACE AS BATMAN”

•*really detailed side by side comparisons of Bruce and Batman on Tims facebook*

•*super bad quality Snapchat video* “Alfred, is Bruce batman?” “Master Dick, you know the answer to that”

•"Bruce Wayne is rich as fuck what more do you need"

•"he had a grappling hook in his pants pocket once"

•"he’s always disappearing during galas right before batman shows up. Have you ever noticed that?“

•"the amount of sick days he uses is mighty suspicious” *side eyes Bruce*

•*video of Bruce coming into the kitchen at 4 in the morning looking like absolute shit* “where have you been young man?” “Fuck off Jason” “oh, so you can say fuck but I can’t–” “Jason I will throw this at you” “do it you coward–” *a scream and a crash as the phone falls as a metal object goes past Jason’s head*

•a shit ton of super blurry photos of things that look like Batman’s gadgets and costume keep popping up on the kids Instagram and twitter accounts

•"hey, look at this mask I found"

•Clark is getting a little concerned

“Don’t you think you should stop them?”

•Bruce just sighs

Sam is at the table in the kitchen, finishing his coffee and picking at the last of his just-the-wrong-side-of-crispy bacon, when Dean comes bounding into the kitchen. And he is bounding, that’s the only word for it, except perhaps skipping or – Sam would never say it out loud because it would absolutely guarantee An All Original Dean Winchester Ass-Kicking™ – but Dean’s basically prancing.

“Mornin,’ Sammy,” he says, flashing a wide, toothy grin and making a beeline for the coffeemaker. He’s just wearing his nasty-ass robe and there are honest to god slippers on his feet.

Sam stares at him. He frowns, looks over his shoulder in the general direction of the front door, then back to Dean again. “Did you go out last night?”

Dean frowns at him, starting to pour out his cup. “No? Why?”

“Uh, because,” Sam says. “You’ve got your I Just Got Lucky face on.”

Then something completely unexpected happens. Dean blanches.

Sam’s confusion is only growing; this is not at all the reaction he’s used to. Normally Dean can’t wait to divulge the gory details, just to try and make him squirm. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t – what are you talking about,” he sputters, his eyes wide and rather hunted. “This is, this is my, my normal face.”

“C’mon man. We’ve been living in each other’s pockets for a couple decades here. I know that face.” Sam starts looking at him, really looking, and then yep: there’s the shadow of a hickey, just peeking out from the collar of his t-shirt.

Sam’s about to needle him about it when Cas comes into the kitchen. “Good morning,” he says.

“Hey, morning Cas,” Sam says briefly, then looks back at Dean. He’s intent on resuming his interrogation, but then he stops.

Dean’s looking at Cas with panicked eyes, and his face shifts from white to red so fast it doesn’t even bother stopping at pink.

“What…” Sam starts, then he looks back at Cas, frowning. Everything seems fine; he looks normal.

But then Sam notices that his tie is on backwards.

Holy shit.