on mobile so i can't do a read more

Sometimes I think about that little girl. The one I was before.

That little girl was vibrant and loud. She wasn’t afraid of anything. She wanted to be in front of the camera, acting and singing her heart out. That little girl believed she was brilliant and beautiful. She was destined to be an extrovert, the life of the party. She was going to be independent and courageous. Her smile could light up a whole room. Her laughter was laced with sugar and it was infectious.

But then it happened.

The girl that I became after…she was hollow and angry. She was nervous and paranoid. She was terrified to be touched and wanted to hide from the world. She was so full of rage and pain that she lashed out at everyone around her all of the time. She was tired. That girl, the very same girl who just months earlier had been so full of life, was guilt-ridden because of a crime that she didn’t even commit. She carried the burden alone for a year and even when she finally gave up and told someone, she couldn’t let go of the whole story. She couldn’t bear to say the words aloud. If she said how bad it had been, people would know, they would see how broken and ugly she was. They would see that she was a weak girl and that’s why the man did that to her. Mommy would cry more and Daddy would drink more if she told them that the man didn’t just touch her with his hands. Her eyes were empty and lifeless. She went from exuding cheer to a walking zombie.

I am neither of those girls now, though I share many similarities with the “after.” I am afraid of many things, I am paranoid, I am not a fan of being touched or dealing with the world. But I am also kind and giving. I care about people and I want to protect children at all costs. I try to make people happy and I don’t expect anything in return. I forgive easily and I don’t carry any unnecessary negativity within me. I won’t be beaten down or made into the victim again - I won’t be that weak little girl. I will fight back and I will stand up to anyone.

I will never again be the little girl who lies there quietly and takes it.

Arranged-Marriage-Fic-That-Still-Needs-A-Name Excerpt

A Gadge Fairy Submission

Three days later Madge paced in her library.  Crane’s imminent arrival had her twitchy and staying inside as she normally did just didn’t seem appealing.  So she grabbed a light shawl and headed out into the forest, hoping she’d find Gale near where he’d been last time.

She was in luck and stumbled upon him not too far from the tree he’d fallen from, sighting down an arrow.  He turned as she drew close, relaxing his stance.  “Sorry,” she whispered, “I hope I didn’t scare something away.”

He shook his head.  “I was just doing some target practice.  Want to try?”  He held the bow out, a ghost of a smile on his lips.  She still hadn’t seen him smile the way he had at Rooba’s daughter again, a fact she privately lamented, so Madge stepped forward and accepted the bow.  She stood awkwardly, unsure of where to begin.  “Here, like this.”  Gale took the bow back, holding it out and drawing it back.  He handed it to her again and she tried to replicate his stance.  He chuckled. “Almost.”  Gale took a step closer and lifted a hand.  “Is it..is it all right if I touch you?”  She nodded, unable to look at him.  He took another step toward her and gently raised her elbow.  “Here.  More like this.  And relax your grip up here.”  He reached out to her hand holding the bow and wrapped his fingers around hers, his body now entirely encasing her.  His breath was tickling the back of her neck and her heart was pounding so loudly she thought he might be able to hear it.  Gale pulled an arrow out of the quiver strapped to his back and helped her align it properly in the bow.  “All right, now pull back with your right hand,” he breathed, his lips brushing against her ear and sending a pleasant shiver down her spine, “and let go…now.”  On his command she loosed the arrow, watching anxiously until it hit the tree in front of her.  It was off center—she had almost missed, actually—but she hadn’t expected to hit anything her first try.  She turned, a wide grin spreading across her face, and there it was.  That blinding smile, directed at her.  Only inches from her, actually, as he hadn’t stepped back when she released the arrow.  She froze, suddenly all too aware of their closeness, of the heat coming off his body, of the way the places he’d touched her burned as if his hands were still there.

Gale seemed to realize something as well and took a large stride backwards.  “That—that was great, Madge,” he said, clearing his throat again. “I, uh, I think you’ve got the basics.”  He rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from her. 

She forced herself back to the present, away from thoughts of how solid his chest felt against her back.  “Thank you.  I think I should go back to the manor, though.  There’s a lot to do before Crane arrives.”  That was a lie, however.  She had most everything prepared, but she wasn’t sure she trusted herself to be this near Gale anymore and she needed an escape.  Madge tried to bring to mind the crown prince, but his image kept fading.  She turned on her heel and hurried back to the house and for the rest of the week she carefully avoided touching Gale, even accidentally.

As I told swishy earlier this week, no matter the universe, Gale Hawthorne has got game.

( Rooba’s daughter is a little kid.  It’s more clear in the full story.  And I know literally nothing about archery.)

I love my job at Shingle Inn a thousand times more than I ever liked working at Woolworths. Just thinking back on when I left Woolworths, I had been working there for 2 years, when I finished a shift I never checked with any of my coworkers to see when they were working next, where I do that every single shift at Shingle Inn. We always want to know when we’ll see each other next. And on my last shift only one person (who wasn’t even in my department) realised it was my last shift, my department manager didn’t even know. I’ve been working at Shingle Inn for 5 months and you can bet I’d be hugging almost every person goodbye and there would possibly be tears.

Not only that, but I don’t dread going to work unless it’s a 9 hour shift or something, I love making coffee and being around people who I can actually get to know. Just thinking back on working at Woolworths has made me realise how lucky I am to have this job because I know most people hate their jobs and I’m definitely not one of them.

Listening to NPR on the way home from work today and found myself relieved to hear updates from Nepal instead of Baltimore. Maybe I’m a terrible person but…

It’s like, an earthquake is something we can universally agree is terrible. Unrest in the current political climate…cops, racism, equality, everyone’s got an opinion on that. Humans destroying humans leaves me with a much heavier heart than forces of nature destroying humans, for whatever reason. Both are terrible. Everything is terrible. I feel terrible either way.

brief update

hey guys I’m not exactly sure when I’ll be back she’s still in the hospital and not getting any better and I’m feeling worse today than I was yesterday so I’ll just be on to answer a couple asks and then I’m logging off again. I have my queue running still and Hayley (imperfectcas) is still blogsitting for me so I won’t have an inactive blog so u lil shits got no excuse to unfollow unless you wANT TO FIGHT ME (I’m kidding) but yeah I’ll answer some questions in a bit and then I’m off again

  • wow!!!! it feels almost as if the people ive been friends with for years dont give a shit about me anymore just because i was a turd to one of the girls in the gang a year ago and we never split up! so if im not friends with you ALL at the same time, you dont wanna invite me to stuff! but sure, send me thousands of snaps about it, but not a single invite from NONE of yall! i havent done anything wrong to any of you and im always nice and never argue cause GEE i dont wanna risk LOSING any friends! guess ill just have to wait a year or two until i start at a uni or something so i can establish new friendship that hopefully will last!!!! no fuck yall
  • but you know what the worst part is?? you never know if its YOU. is it me?? is it me who is wrong? am *I* the one not being a good friend? i wish i could just look at myself from a third perspective, completely unbiased.

I need help
This girl I talk to is telling me to motivate her to workout and she sent me a picture of a Victoria’s Secret model and this is honestly making me want to hurt myself and relapse because I’m trying so hard to not fall back into those eating disorder behaviors but yesterday was already a tough day because I barely ate and then just worked everything off and today was okay but I’m slowly falling back into those behaviors and the reason she’s doing this is so she can fit into her prom dress but for me this is such a deeply routed issue within my mind and talking about these things isn’t good for me and it’s making me want to relapse but she has no idea and I don’t know what to tell her or how to deal with this please help me I don’t want to sound selfish or bitchy but this is hurting me a lot

Last night I saw The Box Tiger and Ume and Circa Survive and I’m just really happy right now like so fucking thrilled and content. I was literally right up front sitting on the amps because the crowd was squishing everyone forward with feverish passion for the music and honestly it’s the best seat in the house if you don’t plan on crowd surfing. I was in the gap between two box things on stage so Anthony and Brendan got right up in my face like every two seconds and there was much face screaming and hand holding involved. Unfortunately I was at the perfect height to get squashed into Anthony’s dick region whenever he came close but I didn’t even care because losing it in the music was just the best thing ever and literally nothing ruined it. SOME LARGER ASSHOLES DECIDED TO FUCKING CROWD SURF LIKE FIVE IN A ROW AND LIKE I GET THAT IT’S AWESOME AND WHATEVER BUT SERIOUSLY PEOPLE A TINY FUCKIN VENUE WITH LOTS OF TINY PEOPLE IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT. (And I know getting beat up at their concerts is expected I’m not new to the feeling but at every other one I’ve been to the crowd surfers haven’t been that asshole ish). One of my friends had the luckiest night of his entire life like he got to see circa, he got a pick DURING the concert, he danced and sang with Anthony, a fuckin song was dedicated to him (crowd chanting MAX MAX MAX), he got to converse with Stephen a lot, he crowd surfed a billion times——- he had the night of his life and it was so happy oh my good god. He was literally sobbing when we left from happiness. We got pictures with Stephen and got to talk to the drummer and singer of Ume. Ume were fucking amazing. My friends and I were going at it during their set like it was nobody’s business. Some guy in front of me was only there for Ume so he was amazing and gave my friend and I his spot RIGHT UP AT THE STAGE ugh amazing. Everything was wonderful and the car ride home was nice we listened to The Box Tiger and loved it lots. The whole damn day was incredible. Until next time I guess!!

I just got to thinking about how much I was made fun of when I was younger, and how much that affected me.

And to those people who made fun of me because of my weight, my interests, and things I couldn’t control, I just want to say fuck you I turned out amazing.

I hate the fact that little me was so hurt and devastated by your words. I hate that I was so upset because you made fun of my leg hair, I went home that day and begged my mom to let me start shaving my legs.

I hate the fact that you guys were the starting point of my anxiety rearing its ugly head, you weren’t worth it at all.

I am amazing, and I never should have listened.

Just writing thrse down before I firget

Dreams had. Me as Jacks personal assistant. Surprisingly not as much sex or abuse as I thought. Mkstly just got barked arouns to do stuff.

Another dream about Moon 2. This time I was Sam and there was another Sam on Sarang. He was mad at me but not murderous. GERTY was deactivated :(

Dream where my two front teeth fell out, but literally thenfirst one where I went to get ig fixed. It happened d at school so I went to the nurse and she gave me new ones

Something about xmen where I was wolverine and tried to kill al the other xmen. Idk it was brutal

ha...

So my mom noticed I’ve lost weight but she wasn’t going to say anything. I laugh and say it never stopped her before when she kept remarking on how fat I was/am. She says that she never told me things like that…

Example: I made enough for your everyone so don’t eat it all (everytime even when Im first to serve myself)

Example: Her constantly telling me how thin she is compared to my sis and I.

Example: Her getting mad when I used to eat something and then say I don’t need to ask permission to eat something even though it keeps happening.

Sorry im just done.