on mobile so i can't do a read more

Sometimes I think about that little girl. The one I was before.

That little girl was vibrant and loud. She wasn’t afraid of anything. She wanted to be in front of the camera, acting and singing her heart out. That little girl believed she was brilliant and beautiful. She was destined to be an extrovert, the life of the party. She was going to be independent and courageous. Her smile could light up a whole room. Her laughter was laced with sugar and it was infectious.

But then it happened.

The girl that I became after…she was hollow and angry. She was nervous and paranoid. She was terrified to be touched and wanted to hide from the world. She was so full of rage and pain that she lashed out at everyone around her all of the time. She was tired. That girl, the very same girl who just months earlier had been so full of life, was guilt-ridden because of a crime that she didn’t even commit. She carried the burden alone for a year and even when she finally gave up and told someone, she couldn’t let go of the whole story. She couldn’t bear to say the words aloud. If she said how bad it had been, people would know, they would see how broken and ugly she was. They would see that she was a weak girl and that’s why the man did that to her. Mommy would cry more and Daddy would drink more if she told them that the man didn’t just touch her with his hands. Her eyes were empty and lifeless. She went from exuding cheer to a walking zombie.

I am neither of those girls now, though I share many similarities with the “after.” I am afraid of many things, I am paranoid, I am not a fan of being touched or dealing with the world. But I am also kind and giving. I care about people and I want to protect children at all costs. I try to make people happy and I don’t expect anything in return. I forgive easily and I don’t carry any unnecessary negativity within me. I won’t be beaten down or made into the victim again - I won’t be that weak little girl. I will fight back and I will stand up to anyone.

I will never again be the little girl who lies there quietly and takes it.

Arranged-Marriage-Fic-That-Still-Needs-A-Name Excerpt

A Gadge Fairy Submission

Three days later Madge paced in her library.  Crane’s imminent arrival had her twitchy and staying inside as she normally did just didn’t seem appealing.  So she grabbed a light shawl and headed out into the forest, hoping she’d find Gale near where he’d been last time.

She was in luck and stumbled upon him not too far from the tree he’d fallen from, sighting down an arrow.  He turned as she drew close, relaxing his stance.  “Sorry,” she whispered, “I hope I didn’t scare something away.”

He shook his head.  “I was just doing some target practice.  Want to try?”  He held the bow out, a ghost of a smile on his lips.  She still hadn’t seen him smile the way he had at Rooba’s daughter again, a fact she privately lamented, so Madge stepped forward and accepted the bow.  She stood awkwardly, unsure of where to begin.  “Here, like this.”  Gale took the bow back, holding it out and drawing it back.  He handed it to her again and she tried to replicate his stance.  He chuckled. “Almost.”  Gale took a step closer and lifted a hand.  “Is it..is it all right if I touch you?”  She nodded, unable to look at him.  He took another step toward her and gently raised her elbow.  “Here.  More like this.  And relax your grip up here.”  He reached out to her hand holding the bow and wrapped his fingers around hers, his body now entirely encasing her.  His breath was tickling the back of her neck and her heart was pounding so loudly she thought he might be able to hear it.  Gale pulled an arrow out of the quiver strapped to his back and helped her align it properly in the bow.  “All right, now pull back with your right hand,” he breathed, his lips brushing against her ear and sending a pleasant shiver down her spine, “and let go…now.”  On his command she loosed the arrow, watching anxiously until it hit the tree in front of her.  It was off center—she had almost missed, actually—but she hadn’t expected to hit anything her first try.  She turned, a wide grin spreading across her face, and there it was.  That blinding smile, directed at her.  Only inches from her, actually, as he hadn’t stepped back when she released the arrow.  She froze, suddenly all too aware of their closeness, of the heat coming off his body, of the way the places he’d touched her burned as if his hands were still there.

Gale seemed to realize something as well and took a large stride backwards.  “That—that was great, Madge,” he said, clearing his throat again. “I, uh, I think you’ve got the basics.”  He rubbed the back of his neck, looking away from her. 

She forced herself back to the present, away from thoughts of how solid his chest felt against her back.  “Thank you.  I think I should go back to the manor, though.  There’s a lot to do before Crane arrives.”  That was a lie, however.  She had most everything prepared, but she wasn’t sure she trusted herself to be this near Gale anymore and she needed an escape.  Madge tried to bring to mind the crown prince, but his image kept fading.  She turned on her heel and hurried back to the house and for the rest of the week she carefully avoided touching Gale, even accidentally.

As I told swishy earlier this week, no matter the universe, Gale Hawthorne has got game.

( Rooba’s daughter is a little kid.  It’s more clear in the full story.  And I know literally nothing about archery.)

brief update

hey guys I’m not exactly sure when I’ll be back she’s still in the hospital and not getting any better and I’m feeling worse today than I was yesterday so I’ll just be on to answer a couple asks and then I’m logging off again. I have my queue running still and Hayley (imperfectcas) is still blogsitting for me so I won’t have an inactive blog so u lil shits got no excuse to unfollow unless you wANT TO FIGHT ME (I’m kidding) but yeah I’ll answer some questions in a bit and then I’m off again

I just got to thinking about how much I was made fun of when I was younger, and how much that affected me.

And to those people who made fun of me because of my weight, my interests, and things I couldn’t control, I just want to say fuck you I turned out amazing.

I hate the fact that little me was so hurt and devastated by your words. I hate that I was so upset because you made fun of my leg hair, I went home that day and begged my mom to let me start shaving my legs.

I hate the fact that you guys were the starting point of my anxiety rearing its ugly head, you weren’t worth it at all.

I am amazing, and I never should have listened.

So much is going on right now.
Before I left school, I was going through a depressive mood. I stopped visiting my friends, didn’t really eat, and I didn’t come out of my room. It got a little better as time went on & when I explained it to my friends (about chronic depression) they tried to understand & they refused to let me be on my own (guessing bc of their fear of me doing anything stupid). I absolutely love them for that, for trying to understand.
I thought things would get better when I got home but it’s actually being home that’s making it worse. I tried to kill myself 3 times in my house and I have my own bathroom where I would always go to hurt myself (or do other unmentionable things) & coming back here, I feel a flood of all of those things and I am very sad. I don’t know how to tell my mother that bring home is making things worse. She loves me being here but she aided in making it worse as well. Since I’ve been back, I haven’t left my room let alone my house and my mom keeps asking if I’m sick…I don’t know how to tell her I don’t want to be here… I don’t know how to tell her things are getting bad again.
Also, I’m having the same problem with my girlfriend. Every girl I’ve been with has gone through a similar situation and handles it but I don’t know how to explain things to her & I feel like I’m going to lose her because of it. She’s been my best friend for 4 years so she knows these things happen but I guess as my girlfriend, she doesn’t know how to handle things.
I don’t know what to do, I just know that I’m sad & it’s getting bad again.

Last night I saw The Box Tiger and Ume and Circa Survive and I’m just really happy right now like so fucking thrilled and content. I was literally right up front sitting on the amps because the crowd was squishing everyone forward with feverish passion for the music and honestly it’s the best seat in the house if you don’t plan on crowd surfing. I was in the gap between two box things on stage so Anthony and Brendan got right up in my face like every two seconds and there was much face screaming and hand holding involved. Unfortunately I was at the perfect height to get squashed into Anthony’s dick region whenever he came close but I didn’t even care because losing it in the music was just the best thing ever and literally nothing ruined it. SOME LARGER ASSHOLES DECIDED TO FUCKING CROWD SURF LIKE FIVE IN A ROW AND LIKE I GET THAT IT’S AWESOME AND WHATEVER BUT SERIOUSLY PEOPLE A TINY FUCKIN VENUE WITH LOTS OF TINY PEOPLE IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT. (And I know getting beat up at their concerts is expected I’m not new to the feeling but at every other one I’ve been to the crowd surfers haven’t been that asshole ish). One of my friends had the luckiest night of his entire life like he got to see circa, he got a pick DURING the concert, he danced and sang with Anthony, a fuckin song was dedicated to him (crowd chanting MAX MAX MAX), he got to converse with Stephen a lot, he crowd surfed a billion times——- he had the night of his life and it was so happy oh my good god. He was literally sobbing when we left from happiness. We got pictures with Stephen and got to talk to the drummer and singer of Ume. Ume were fucking amazing. My friends and I were going at it during their set like it was nobody’s business. Some guy in front of me was only there for Ume so he was amazing and gave my friend and I his spot RIGHT UP AT THE STAGE ugh amazing. Everything was wonderful and the car ride home was nice we listened to The Box Tiger and loved it lots. The whole damn day was incredible. Until next time I guess!!

ha...

So my mom noticed I’ve lost weight but she wasn’t going to say anything. I laugh and say it never stopped her before when she kept remarking on how fat I was/am. She says that she never told me things like that…

Example: I made enough for your everyone so don’t eat it all (everytime even when Im first to serve myself)

Example: Her constantly telling me how thin she is compared to my sis and I.

Example: Her getting mad when I used to eat something and then say I don’t need to ask permission to eat something even though it keeps happening.

Sorry im just done.

Hi everyone! I just wanted to make a quick post to say a few things. I know I haven’t been as active and some of you have tagged me in things or sent me messages. I wanted to let you know i will be getting around to all that.

I’ve been busy with school and family. I also got some particularly bad news, uh my grandpa is really sick and the doctor says he only has about 8 weeks left. The last time i went to a funeral was nearly 3 years ago and it was my moms. So yeah i uh will be trying to prepare myself for this…..uh yeah

So i’ll be on and off here and you guys just stay fabulous.

.

Only 1 week left of classes and then finals, but all I can do is sit here with anxiety. I feel like I’ll screw it all up at the very end of this semester and ruin my grades. I can’t even concentrate on studying because I’m just freaking out in my head the whole time. The week before finals is supposed to be “dead week” but all my professors are having exams which is really shitty. If I had no exams this week, I’d be fine and would feel confident for finals. But instead I am freaking out and have no idea what I’m going to do with all of these tests. I’m even taking 2 shifts off of work just to study even though I REALLY need the money. I just hope I can make up the hours later. Keep my sanity in your thoughts & prayers.
I really need to get my shit together for next semester because I REFUSE to have another semester like this.

Monday- physics lab final
Tuesday- cell & molecular biology test AND organic chemistry test
Wednesday- physics test
Friday- microbiology test

Monday- physics final
Thursday- cell & molecular biology final AND organic chemistry final
Friday- microbiology final

I am so fucking pissed right now

After first semester I was pretty much guaranteed that I’m valedictorian and now it turns out I’m #2. My counselor said it could change after second trimester grades come in but that makes no sense because it’s based on weighted gpa (mine is 4.9 infinity) and that’s only affected by college classes which go by semester and I just feel like a total failure because I worked my ass off for three and a half years, got through humiliation, stress, depression, sooooo many road bumps, and thought FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I’d get acknowledged for it all but NOOOO of course not because god forbid I EVER have anything good happen to me. Why am I even alive if I just have to suffer so much??? And my school has in the past rigged stuff in favor of the favorite students so it’s possible I’m supposed to be #1 but it was rigged

I just feel so worthless now