on etiquette

Etiquette and Consent in Emotional Exchanges

When we’re emotional, we want to connect with people. And it’s usually taken for granted that the other person is physically available to talk, then they are emotionally available as well, because as a culture we tend to assume that emotional labor has no cost.

However, human nature is to care. And that means investing in others’ emotions. When my friend tells me he’s sad, I feel a fraction of that sadness with him. I want to help him feel less sad a) because he’s my friend, but also b) because I don’t want to take on more sadness in my life if I can help it.

For normal sadness, this is fine; it’s occasional, it’s usually not on a huge scale, and usually the friend is more than willing to accept responsibility for their feelings and physical well-being. In other words, when people are mentally healthy, they tend to reflexively do a lot of the emotional work. Some examples of the emotional work being done here:

  • identifying the problem
  • validating emotions
  • identifying solutions
  • challenging distorted thoughts/perceptions
  • empowering / encouraging the person to take the steps they need to take
  • ensuring immediate and long-term mental stability
  • ensuring immediate and long-term physical stability
  • taking turns holding space

For those with chronic emotional issues, there needs to be a different approach; it is unfair to expect someone in crisis to do the same amount of emotional work as someone who’s not. However, it’s ALSO unfair to expect others to take on a bunch of labor just because you’re not up to doing it yourself. What’s more, this difficulty gets used as a justification for isolating and letting an emotional issue fester.

But there is hope!

Keep reading

Of the Discourse

Here even the wise, among whose number I dare to count myself, fear to tread, and so I shall be brief. 

Oft in the world of tumblr doth a gentleblogger encounter one who disagrees strongly with their own strongly held opinion. And in some cases this is benign; and it is of these cases that I would write of. For the cases where it is a malignity, a cruel thing, such as when a blogger doth disparage a whole race, or holdeth that they know better the gender of a person than the person themself are a tangle into which I would not ride; for no sword, be it that of Alexander himself, can sever those knots. 

No, I speak here of kinder topics. If you encounter someone who differs from you in opinion, but there is no harm in it, I beg you treat them with courtesy; for I know there are some who would have it that, for example, Bradamante should not wed Ruggiero, but rather elope with Alcina. And perhaps you hold that Bradamante and Ruggiero should wed and have a multitude of children. On such a subject as this, I beg you, speak to your interlocutor with kindness and with the gentility that I know all my readers have within them; for the gentleblogger doth not pick a fight without cause, and neither do they cause anger intentionally. 

Fair reader, you know my advice already: be kind; be direct; be gentle.

(( A word of advice for those who either talk with single rp muns, with an entire group of muns, or with a timeline. Learn to be communicative and open when it comes to issues that need fixing, whether they’re continuous ones or not. Don’t be vague or blatantly ignore something that comes in fruition. Especially if a person is open to fixing things with you or others. Especially if something could easily be misconstrued or even not mentioned in the first place of being a problem. 

Once more, the golden rule. OOC Communication. Communication, is important, for a collaborative community. 

If you have an issue with a person or people, then be /specific/ and talk to them. If they want to also talk, then try to be open to an extent. Don’t be fucking shady about it. You never know if you’re mistaking things, grumbling over things that can be fixed, or taking things to a level they really do not need to go . ))

A Note on Reblogging (Your Own Fic/Art/Stuff/Etc.)

Look, here’s the deal with tumblr: it moves fast. A lot of people follow enough blogs that scrolling through one’s entire dash is impossible. I remember the days when I could wake up in the morning and scroll back to the last post I saw before bed. Sweet, summer child.

Here’s the other deal with tumblr: I see so much anxiety about reblogging one’s own stuff, be it art; analysis; fanfiction; hell, personal posts and replies. I have (and continue to feel deeply) that anxiety. Every time, my inner critic and I go through the same song and dance.

Critic: You look like you’re begging for notes/replies/reblogs. People will think you’re needy/full of yourself/have to be the center of attention. You already have a few notes, why do you need more? Other people have it worst than you. Ugh, you’re just clogging the dashes of your followers. If they wanted to read it, they’d have read it already.

Me: *ball of anxiety* You’re right. Wait, no you’re not. Wait, maybe you are. Wait, no—

I’d say it’s 50/50, even now, that I’ll reblog myself. 

And you know what? Fuck that. 

  • Not everyone can get through their dash in a sitting.
  • Timezones are a thing.
  • Work hours are a thing, also affected by timezones.
  • Life away from tumblr is a thing (what??? I know).

There are so many reasons a person might not see your fic/art/stuff the first time. Reblog it the next day. Reblog it a week from now. Hell, set up a schedule or a queue and have it reblog itself three months from now. Go back through old fics and reblog the ones you really liked; I guarantee you have followers who are new enough to have never seen it or who would like to reread it.

Be proud of the work you do.

Oh yeah, I felt that resistance from here.

Say it again. Out loud. Write it on a post-it note and stick it where you’ll see it.

Be proud of the work you do.

You wrote/made it for a reason. And yeah, part of that reason was probably to share it with other fans. Otherwise, why post at all? I know. Man, I get it. I’m cringing even writing that. The fucked-up “don’t show off” mentality runs deep, right?

Fuck that, too.

If you have followers who unfollow you because you’re reposting your stuff (and this is hard to prove, remember; maybe they quit tumblr, maybe their interests diverged from yours, whatever), who cares? Let them go. For everyone who leaves you, many will stay. And many will be happy to see that thing they missed because of work, life, sleeping. Especially if you follow a few points of tumblr/dash etiquette:

  • Use cuts/read mores for anything longer than a few hundred words (I tend to cut at about 400-500 words, though if something’s under about 700 I might leave it).
  • Reblog at reasonable intervals (day/evening, next day reblog, etc. Hourly might be a bit much ;D).
  • Use tags so people can filter appropriately.

Be proud of the work you do.

(Write it down. Yes, you. <3)

The language of flowers..

Polite Society at Home and Abroad, 1891

warning, it’s long, but there’s a lot of really great specifics, like:

you are a fop
good but odd
you will cause my death
I declare war against you
intellectual but heartless
false and gay
handsome but dangerous
your looks freeze me
an enemy in disguise

Keep reading

9

I always buy neutral colors (black, white, cream, tan, and all shades of brown and grey) that would suit my basics: simple tops, trousers, cardigans, etc. Make your outfit look 10x better with something as simple as adding a leather jacket or a nice cardigan, paired with some black or nude heels & simple jewelry. Try finding a pair of black or blue jeans that are comfortable and hug your body in the right way. And for date nights I suggest you get a little black dress and a nice pencil skirt with a button-up.

There’s a lot to be said for honest feedback and concrit. It helps us grow, helps us develop our skills, and helps us learn. Workshopping pieces and sitting through concrit sessions on my art and writing in college where I had my work absolutely shredded and dissected made me examine and improve on what I did, and made me intimately aware of what areas needed attention. And that was good for me.

But:

If you’re reading fanfic, and the author has not specifically solicited concrit – if they aren’t asking for writing advice, and you aren’t their beta – odds are they are not deeply invested in a random fandom stranger’s thoughts on their craft. Unlike someone trying to get a novel published, if they’re writing on FFN or AO3? Odds are they are writing for fun, and posting their writing so fellow fans can share that fun. 

If you’re not having fun? Close out the tab and move along! The fruit of their labor is free to enjoy, and if it isn’t what you want it to be, there’s a lot more fic/art/whatever out there for you to find. You’ve spent nothing, lost nothing.

If they ask for concrit, sure, give it! I’ve workshopped art in slack chats with other fan artists where everyone chimed in and gave suggestions and advice and it was great. People seeking honest feedback from a beta will let you know they’re looking for your opinion on a story’s weaknesses and suggestions for how to address them.

But if they don’t ask? There’s a good rule of thumb in life that holds true in fandom etiquette when commenting on works, and that is: If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. 

Magical Etiquette

Dueling
>Is magical dueling legal?
>How is a magical duel initiated?
>Why might someone initiate a magical duel?
>Are there spells or types of magic that are considered improper to use during a magical duel?
>>Is there any punishment for using these magics?
>When is a magical duel considered over?

Personal spaces/private sanctuaries
>Is it ever acceptable to enter another caster’s magical sanctuary or area where they perform major spells?
>>If it is acceptable, under which conditions is it acceptable?
>>If it is not generally acceptable, are there any exceptions to this?
>How big of a taboo is it to enter another magic user’s sanctuary without their permission?

Scrying, divination, and mind-reading
>Is it considered rude to keep tabs on other magic users?
>Is it considered rude to keep tabs on non-magic users?
>Can magic users be arrested for stalking for using these types of magics on people?
>>How long do they have to do this for it to count as stalking?
>>How do the authorities find out about such a thing?

Affiliations
>Are there groups, clubs, or associations of magic users?
>Do they have requirements that must be met to join them?
>Is there an prestige to be had by being a member of one?
>>Which ones are considered the most prestigious?
>What are the rules or requirements for staying in one?
>What would one have to do to be expelled from one?
>How are magic users in the groups expected to behave in public?
>How do the different groups interact with one another?
>>Are there rivalries?
>>Alliances?
>>Gang wars?

Critique, the oily beast

Hi, it’s me again.

Below is a text of personal opinions that I’ve decided to share, concerning a downside of constructive criticism, and it might read as an angry rant. I apologize for that. Before I begin, I also want to point out that I’m not targeting anyone specifically. What I am doing is sharing my views on a behaviour that I’m not fond of. Parts of it is tongue-in-cheek, but the subject might be touchy. Wall of words after the cut, if you want to read it:

Keep reading

2

I tend to relax more with my SD but when I’m going on fine dine with my POT I’d make sure a few things.

1. Phone off on silent
2. No eating and talking simultaneously (chew with your mouth close).
3. Take part in the dinner conversation, charm your date.
4. Eat in smaller portion (cut them in smaller pieces).
5. Eat together, wait for his meal to come before eating.
6. Always pass salt and pepper together.
7. Instead of reaching across the table for something, ask for it to be passed to you.
8. Avoid slouching and don’t place your elbows on the table while eating.
9. Never show stain from your napkin.
10. Napkin on your lap or chair when you’re using the washroom. Napkin on table means you’re done with meal.
11. Careful with lipstick stains on teeth or on your cutlery.
12. Always excuse yourself after meal to fix your lipstick and check your teeth.

PS: feel free to add-on if I missed anything.