Today I realized that the more I am learning the more I am losing. We had our first heme/onc test today and I passed (which is above a 70%) but I didn’t do as good as I wanted to do.
Yes I could’ve studied more…but I feel like that is everyday life of a medical school student. I give up my sanity for a few more hours of studying…or I just take a mental break and don’t study. The hard thing with being where I am now…I always want to do better and am disappointed in myself when I don’t perform to where I know I should. Our class is full of very competitive individuals and passing is not average. Average for our class is usually in the high B and I don’t think I am there. Me being below average means that I am more in danger of not passing my COMLEX 1.
To top it all off…we had our SIM high stakes today. Our SIM is a fully animated robot that burps, pees, poops, and makes all kinds of sounds. I was the leader of my team and could feel the pressure. Before our encounter…I began to feel nauseous, I felt like every treatment for all of the conditions I have learned left my brain (cardiac, pulmonary and renal) and became so frustrated with myself. I have never been so nervous and just wanted to prove that I could handle the role of “leader”. I got in there and began assessing, things weren’t going how I wanted them and people were doubling up on duties, then once labs were ordered and tests were done I knew the pt was over loaded with fluid….but I didn’t know if I should be conservative with my diuretic treatment because he was hypokalemia and hyponatremic. So I started on the low end and then brought it back up. I got the pts EKG and could tell something was wrong, but couldn’t name it. I felt so stupid sitting there with our Clinical Skills head professor standing beside me and I just blanked. We got through the encounter and I feel my team did well and M helped me remember to order a BNP that I forgot. But during the debrief I find that I should’ve given the pt Nitroglycerin. That occurred to me but I thought it wouldn’t be as helpful in the situation of acute decompensated CHF. But apparently I need to review.
I just feel really disappointed in myself. I feel like I learn the material, but for some reason it just all goes out the window when it is important. I don’t want people to know how much I study, because I feel like it never shows on my test. So I just down play how hard I work so that when I get below average then it doesn’t look as bad.
I know med school is suppose to be hard and I am thankful to have the opportunity to be here. I just hope that I can show that I am good enough and do well on COMLEX so I can be competitive….
The only thing that is keeping me sane and from going over the edge is Bootcamp. Kelly returned tonight after a political mess and I couldn’t be happier to have her there. I am so happy that I can go and get a good workout in to destress. I feel like working out is a way for me to build create new friendships, strengthen ones I already have, and have mental clarity. I love Kelly and am so thankful I have gotten to know her better!