important ooc moment
ok so something huge happened for me today. this is a massive ooc thing but it means so much to me. idk how much i’ll be on here over the next week or so bc this will be a huge change for me and it took a lot of courage to do. basically i went to my first assessment session in like four years. i’ve been in and out and all around the mental health system my whole life and on every diet, every medication and had such a wide variety of diagnoses and discussions it’s ridiculous. bc my mother, essentially, did not want to face the truth. and that was that she was a child on the autistic spectrum. and i grew up knowing this. and despising it about myself and it manifested into various obsessions and also self - loathing. i’ve had issues with self harm and eating disorders, fuelled in part by my obsession with numbers. i have attempted suicide three times since i was thirteen. when i was thirteen, a neurologist and a psychologist told me and my family that i have a combination of aspergers, synaesthesia and attachment disorder. due to ptsd and various pressures, at times i had experienced psychosis and paranoia as well as depression and suicide ideation. to me, this was the biggest relief of my life. the best possible bad news. bc i understood what my mum did not ; that ignoring the truth won’t make me normal. and who wants to be NORMAL anyway ? who defines that ?? i can play 13 instruments. i can speak 10 languages. i know the first 300 numbers in the fibonacci sequence, pi to 1500 places and everything i can possibly find about others special interests i have acquired such as classical greece, space and astrophysics, serial killers, witchcraft, hieroglyphics and snakes. but my mum wouldn’t proceed with a diagnosis, pulled me out of treatment and isolated me by furthering my academic career at home.
last week i went to see a doctor for the first time in a long time and today i had my first assessment. i have a second assessment tomorrow. the man i saw said to me ‘ you have a brilliant mind, if a little different from others expect. you can’t be exceptional without being different ‘ and that’s just v important to me. bc i don’t have to be the same to be equally important and valued. and im finally going to get my diagnosis and treatment for my autism. sorry this is so long and probably doesnt seem like a big deal to other ppl but it’s really symbolic for me to feel recognised and not silenced or told my issues don’t MATTER or don’t exist and idk and to break free from a childhood of neglect and abuse in other areas too and idk. thank u if u read this idk.