Why Can’t We be Like That?
Taehyung x Reader
Genre: Angst (
i’m so sorry)
Word Count: 4153
Your love was a secret. A love shadowed by his fake relationship with a fellow idol in order to protect his career and fame. You thought that loving him was enough, but when insecurities finally find its way out, you couldn’t endure the pain any longer. Maybe, it was better for both of you to be apart after all.
//FINALLY THE LAST PART OF THE SHORT TAE ANGST! I’m sorry this took longer than usual but I just couldn’t get my feelings right these days and I had a hard time (considering i’m still a newbie writer and didn’t want to disappoint) but omg i’m sorry this turned out quite differently than planned, I was really feeling the writer mood today and somehow it ended up this way and although i liked it i’m not sure if you will but I still do hope you do^^ So once again this is Part III of Why Can’t We be Like That ^^//
It was crazy how fate played with the two of you like you were pawns in a chess game.
Everything was going so well for a whole week. Hanbin has stayed by your side and kept you company as a close friend would do, and somehow helped you get Taehyung off your head for a few hours in a day. However, in one night, all those times were quickly forgotten when you locked eyes with the only person who made your heart beat faster than anything in this world.
You had gone out with Hanbin on a friendly dinner, insisting on treating him out in compensation for all the nights you have ranted out on him which probably caused him more stress than he deserved. You had told him about what happened between you and Taehyung, and how he had chosen his work over you. Although you didn’t mention his name or job, considering you still cared for him a lot even though there are high possibilities that he might’ve already moved on with his life.
Hanbin also told you about his life, about how he had dropped out of college because of stupid decisions and how his friends had supported him all throughout his hardships. He also shared a lot of funny stories that made you spit out your drink for more than three times, and made you laugh so loudly the other people looked at you strangely.
It was going so well, that you almost forgot the tears you’ve spilled for the man who stole your heart like he was born for it. Almost.
The moment you met the familiar orbs that made your heart beat wildly against your ribcage, you felt like air was snatched out of your lungs in an instant. Warmth ignited in your chest and it spread like wildfire, causing it to tighten painfully. It’s been so long since you’ve seen those eyes, and you thought you’d only ever get to see them again through television screens. You froze in your spot, and you were unable to look away, entranced by his stunning and glazed eyes that held emotions that shifted faster than the speed of light.
However, the only emotion that you recognized was hurt.
You felt a lump in your throat as you noticed how he clenched his fists tightly, forcing yourself to look away. Hanbin noticed your change in stance, and briefly looked behind him, finding a man wearing all black and a face mask to hide his face, glaring at him so intently it almost felt like he was planning to kill him. Hanbin looked back at you, and noticed how you had bit your lip nervously and how your eyes glazed over as if just a single word was going to make you break down into tears, and the pieces finally fit. That man on the other side of the street, was none other than your ex boyfriend.
Feeling suffocated by Taehyung’s gaze, you stood up abruptly and grabbed your bag, holding back tears that threatened to break free.
“I-I’ve got to go… I have—I forgot I had things to do… I’m sor–” You started but Hanbin just stood up as well and gave you a knowing smile.
“It’s fine.. I’ll bring you home.” He said sympathetically, and you mentally thanked him, knowing full well that if you went home alone, then Taehyung would definitely try to talk to you. And that was something you dreaded to no end.
The two of you walked out of the small cafe, and you refused to meet Taehyung’s stare as Hanbin hailed a cab for you two. Knowing he was there just a few meters away drove you crazy with both sadness and fear. Fear of the buried feelings resurfacing again, and the feeling of sadness for the reminder that there was no way for you two to get back.
Relief flooded over your system when you and Hanbin entered the cab, but you couldn’t help but look out for one last time to meet the eyes of the man who completed you and at the same time shattered your heart to pieces just by his presence. Pain and regret was etched onto his face, and you could already feel the wetness starting to pool on the corner of your eyes as the vehicle drove past him and his form, making emptiness wrap around your wildly beating heart.
The moment you finally let the tears break free was after Hanbin had left you alone in your apartment. You fell down to your knees, clenching the front of your sweatshirt tightly until your knuckles turned white. Hot tears fell down like endless waterfalls, and your lungs felt like it was being punched repeatedly. The intensity of the feeling was exactly the same as the moment Taehyung had exited the same apartment when you two had broken up, and it made you realize that no matter what you did to get him out of your mind, you’d never be able to completely erase him.
You screamed in frustration, cursing the heavens for the punishment you didn’t deserve. You cursed at fate for playing with you and your feelings, you cursed at Taehyung for having such a complicated career
And you cursed at yourself for falling in love with someone who was as unreachable as him.
You buried your head in your hands and sobbed loudly, voice cracking up as you chanted Taehyung’s name. You could barely breathe, and the thoughts of Taehyung that were occupying your mind didn’t help at all. As much as you wanted to move on, you knew it would probably take you years before you finally healed, and that thought alone made your stomach clench in despair.
“Taehyung… fuck you.. I hate you—I-It’s all your fault… It hurts so fucking much.. Taehyung—why did you have t-to be an idol? Why did I even f-fall for you– W-why did you even care for me–” You cried out irrationally, pulling on your hair harshly.
“Why–Why did this happen for fuck’s sake?!” You yelled out angrily, feeling so much rage and pain brew up in your chest as the image of him with such pained eyes flashed behind your eyelids. You were confused and mad.
How dare he look at me so painfully when he’s the one who chose his stupid dream over me—
You gasped, eyes widening at the disturbing thoughts you had, and for the first time in years, you felt genuinely disgusted of yourself.
You just called his dream, in which he sacrificed so much for, stupid.
You couldn’t believe it. You thought you were better than that, like how Taehyung thought you were. You thought you weren’t like those clingy and selfish girlfriends who only cared about themselves. You thought that you opened your mind enough to understand Taehyung’s circumstances and never judge them.
But it seems like you were wrong after all. You weren’t as kind hearted as Taehyung made you believe. You were like a two-faced witch that fed off the sweet words and compliments of Kim Taehyung.
And if it were that way then it’s definitely better for you to stay away from him.
It was at that moment that you had willed your tears to stop flowing. You deserved this pain after all, and it was him whom you never deserved in the first place. You limply leaned back on the bed, feeling lifeless and cold as you stared at the beige colored ceiling, and you could barely remember the last time you stared at it, considering that you had stared into a pair of beautiful brown eyes for the past year every night.
You didn’t know if it was the deafening silence, or the calming color of the ceiling, but you felt yourself slowly succumb to a deep sleep, your eyes fluttering close as your breathing started to calm down, but not before a bitter smile grazed your lips as images of a smiling Taehyung played like an endless video in your head.
You woke up to the sound of banging on your door. The sound was loud and urgent enough to make you jerk up awake, head spinning at the sudden movement. Your heart pounded fast against your ribcage as you checked the time.
Who the fuck would be visiting you at 3:24 am?
A train of dangerous thoughts passed your head, and you felt your nerves starting to tense up as the banging started to get louder. Despite your drowsy state, you forced yourself to stand up, grabbing an empty bottle and tip toeing to the door as quietly as you can. You leaned against the wall next to the door which was a bit shaking from the force of the knocks, and held the bottle next to your head with trembling hands. You placed your hand against the knob, swallowing hard before you flung the door open and swung the bottle to whoever was behind the door with closed eyes.
You gasped loudly, eyes snapping open when you felt a large hand wrap around your wrist to stop your attack. You were about to let out a bloodcurdling scream, when a familiar rectangular smile made you freeze in shock. Standing in front of you, was none other than Kim Taehyung.
“Why the fuck are you here?” You unconsciously spat out, venom dripping from your voice as your emotions came back like a strong tidal wave. You yanked on your arm, but Taehyung held a vice grip and instead, pushed you inside and locked the door behind him.
Your eyes widened at his bold actions. You were about to yell at him to stop, when he nonchalantly dropped his head on your shoulder, nuzzling your neck affectionately, like how he used to when you two were still together.
You felt your heart beat twice faster than normal, and you could feel heat rush to your cheeks at his gesture.
“I missed you so much Jagiya” he slurred, his body reeking with the scent of sweat and alcohol. Then it hit you. He was drunk.
With all the strength you have, you pushed on his chest hard enough to make him stumble back. He leaned on the nearest wall in support.
“You’re drunk Taehyung. Just go back to your dorm the others must be worried–” You grumbled, refusing to meet his half lidded eyes, but before you could finish, Taehyung had pulled your wrist and wrapped his strong arms around your upper body, making you unable to move. He buried his head back into your neck, and you squirmed beneath his arms, trying hard to untangle his limbs but failing. Electricity ran up your whole body as you felt his arms tighten against you.
“L-Let me go Taehyung!” You cried out helplessly, trying to push away his body with all your strength, only for it to tighten its hold. You could feel the heat from his body seep through your thin clothing, the feeling unbelievably addicting. And no matter how much you denied it, the feeling sent pleasant shivers down your spine. God, you missed him.
You felt Taehyung shake his head against your neck as he let out a long shaky sigh.
“No…” He grumbled stubbornly, his voice an octave deeper, making your insides twist. You slammed your eyes shut, biting your lip in self control. You can’t give in now, or ever. Not when you’ve realized that the kind hearted Y/N whom he loved very much, was all a facade to hide the woman who was only filled with dark desires and emptiness. You didn’t want him to find out and end up hating you, and instead you wanted the two of you to part ways knowing that both of you didn’t lack, no matter how much of an illusion that is. Knowing that both of you did your best, but would never work out. You wanted to part ways with no regrets, but Taehyung was making this too hard.
Having him wrap his arms around you like how he did when you two were still together. It reminded you of everything you wanted to forget, and it scared you.
You didn’t want a reminder of what you two were. You didn’t want a reminder of how perfect he made you feel. You didn’t want a reminder of why you loved him. You didn’t need a reminder of every little thing that makes you want to run back to his arms.
You were terrified of falling for him hard again, when you obviously haven’t moved on.
“Taehyung” You said lowly, voice threatening and serious. You felt Taehyung flinch at your tone, and you knew it was working. Just one more push from you, and you could’ve broken free from his hold that was slowly faltering, and yet you couldn’t dare move your limbs and instead opted for another mutter of his name, this time firmer. You clenched your jaw, as you felt him slowly pull away, but just as you thought that he’d finally let go, he gripped the back of your shirt tightly, still connecting your bodies together.
He hung his head low, and you could slightly make out him biting his lips in the dark.
“I won’t let you go to that man” he mumbled. Your eyes widened in confusion, and seeing your oblivion, Taehyung couldn’t help but curse under his breath.
“Is he the reason why you want me to leave?” Taehyung gritted out, staring at you intently as you looked at him in confusion. The spinning in his head was unbearable, but he wanted answers from you. He wanted to know if you really wanted to leave him, he wanted to know if the man with you was better than he was, he wanted to know if that man loved you more than he did, and he wanted to know if you liked him back.
He needed answers now, or he would go crazy with the jealousy that was slowly eating him up.
You gaped at him, confusion etched on your face at his sudden question. The pain on his face was evident, but you had absolutely no idea on what he was talking about.
“W-What are you even talking about?” You croaked out hoarsely. Taehyung huffed in annoyance, his frustration at its peak.
“Don’t play fucking dumb with me Y/N, we all know that the fucking jerk with you at the café likes you” You blinked, processing his words.
Jerk at the cafe?
Your eyes widened, as you finally realized who he was talking about.
“You mean Hanbin? Fucking Hanbin?” You spat out incredulously, wide eyes staring at him in disbelief. The way his grip on your waist had tightened, and how his jaw clenched didn’t go unnoticed by you, and it confirmed your suspicion. You felt fury boil at the pit of your stomach at the amount of disrespect he gave Hanbin.
Hanbin, who was with you when he wasn’t fucking there.
You scowled and harshly pushed his arms away from your form, backing away as you gave him the dirtiest look you could muster.
“How dare you talk about him like that!” You barked angrily, your nails digging into your skin painfully. Something in Taehyung snapped at the way you took Hanbin’s side, and he was now yelling right back at you.
“How is he so fucking special? How is he better than me? Can he kiss you like I do? Does he give you as much gifts as I do? Does he make you feel the way I do? Does he love you as much as I fucking do huh Y/N?! No he fucking can’t. I’m the only one who can.” He yelled angrily, taking a step closer at every question he threw, doing nothing but fuel your anger that was now on its peak. Your knees felt like lead, and your emotions was starting to swallow you whole.
Your whole body felt like it was on fire, and you did something you never thought you’d have enough guts to do.
You slapped him.
Taehyung froze in his stead, too stunned to move a muscle as his cheeks stung at the force. Your hand trembled in mid air, your tears now falling freely down your face as you let out choked sobs.
“Y-You’re right Taehyung… You’re fucking right. Are you happy now?!” You cried out bitterly, voice cracking as you slowly let your arm fall down your side, your knuckles turning white as you gripped into your shirt as if your life depended on it.
“Nobody else is ever better than you. Nobody else can make me feel the same way as you do. Nobody can kiss me like you do. Nobody can fucking love me like you do, but fucking hell Taehyung there are a lot of girls who are better for you than me!
"It’s me Taehyung, it’s fucking me. I’m not good enough for you. There are girls who are better than me. Girls who are prettier than me. Girls who are much more understanding and caring than me! Can’t you see Taehyung? I’m just a jealous bitch. I’m a selfish and insecure bitch who will never deserve you..” You screamed out in self pity, eyes refusing to meet Taehyung’s as you revealed all your demons to him. Your knees buckled beneath you and you let yourself fall helplessly on the ground, feeling as though your heart was being ripped to pieces. Taehyung remained silent, and you never thought that just his silence would hurt you this much.
The thought that he must be contemplating on what to do killed you silently, part of you wanting for everything to end quickly, and part of you fearing the decision he would make.
You pray to heavens that he would understand and make it easier for the two of you. You pray that he would just leave and forget this ever happened in the first place, because if he does that, you’ll be able to move on with your life. You’d be able to give up on him.
After all you were only poison to his life. A hindrance from achieving his dreams. Something that had to be removed. You had to disappear from his life for him to live his life to the fullest without being dragged down.
But at the same time it scared you, because if he chose to stay, you weren’t sure you will be able to resist.
The moment he opened his mouth, you held your breath, heart pounding like loud drums that disturbed your whole being. You prepared yourself for the rejection. You prepared yourself for the pain that will soon come.
However, what you didn’t expect was when Taehyung fell down to the floor with you, his face buried into his hands, letting out sniffs that didn’t fail to break your heart. Your stomach did flips as you watched him sob into his hands, the sound devastating to your ears.
“T-Taehyung..? What are you—”
“I thought I lost you” he whispered in between sobs.
“I-I thought you had moved on, and I was so fucking scared. I was so fucking scared of being left alone. I was so scared of the thought of completely losing you to another man. I thought I-I was alone. I didn’t know what to fucking do… I wanted to beat that guy up for even looking at you, and yet you tell me to just leave you? To just end us because you think you’re too selfish to deserve me?!” He yelled in disbelief, his voice hoarse and throat burning from the too many bottles of alcohol he drank. You were taken aback at his sudden outrage, your heart stopping as you take in the way his chest heave in exasperation.
His eyes shone with tears in the dark, and you couldn’t help but stare. The way he bit his lip in order to hold back his sobs, the way his brows furrowed and the way his sculptured jaw tensed was all too fascinating for you to ignore. You were lost in oblivion at what a man as perfect as he could have seen in you for him to be able to say such desperate words.
For you to be so lucky to have him, it filled you with paranoia of what might happen in the future if you were to open your arms for him, because as they all say, nothing lasts forever.
However, were you really willing to take the risk?
If you were find out to be dating him, especially at the peak of his career, would the people accept you as you are? Would Taehyung be forgiven for faking a relationship with a member of one of the most famous girl groups in the industry? Would the company be happy with your decision and support you? Will Taehyung be able to continue to chase after his dreams, but this time, with you by his side?
The feeling that occurred to you was ominous, because you knew that the answer would always be no.
No matter what you did, it would never work out. It was to lose this or that, and the answer was obvious.
So instead of continuing to lash out on him once more, you decided to end this as peacefully as possible. With shaking hands you gently lifted Taehyung’s head to face your own and gave him a sad smile, the action making Taehyung’s heart clench painfully, as if he knew what was to come.
Taehyung expected for you to scream back at him. Hell Taehyung wanted you to scream back. That way he could’ve argued back until you gave in to him, like all the other times. Taehyung wanted to think that you were only upset at him and come back if he apologized.
But the way you spoke as if honey coated your chords gave him the feeling that there was no turning back for you. That there was no chance for you to ever change your mind.
Your next words felt like stabs to both of your hearts, creating wounds that can only be healed by the two of you.
“Taehyung, I know that you know what I mean. We can’t be together. You will destroy your future, and I… I might destroy myself. Yes, I know you love me and I love you too as well. I love you so much it physically hurts to just see you, but that’s exactly the reason why I’m ending this.
"It’s because I love you and I don’t want you to risk everything for me… We fell in love at the wrong time, and no matter how cliché that sounds, it’s true. Plus, if we were really meant to be, somehow we’d eventually find each other again right?” You gave a bitter chuckle at the end, trying to lighten up the mood, although it was practically impossible to. Taehyung stared at every single feature of your face, memorizing it as if he was terrified of being able to forget a single detail. You bit your lip and lightly stroked his cheeks with your thumb and Taehyung leaned into your touch, savoring the feeling.
Taehyung couldn’t help but hold onto your last phrase like a fool. Praying to god that someday, you two would find each other again, without anything to hold you back. You also held onto that same thought, determined to find yourself, and become a woman suitable for Taehyung.
And it was as if your bond became stronger as the silence grew, both your faces dried up with tears, but somehow eyes lit up in newfound strength and inspiration. You both smiled at each other, gazes falling to each other’s lips. Your eyes fluttered close as you both leaned in and the moment you felt your lips connect to his was the moment you knew everything would be alright.
“Will you wait for me?”