omg i hope you at least pity laugh at this thing

anonymous asked:

Could u please do an imagine where ur pregnant and Garcia and the girls take ur coffee away from u and force u to have a healthy smoothie and Luke's sitting there laughing but u make him go healthy too 😂😂 I'm watching greys anatomy and Arizona just made Callie drink the 'goop'

Omg I love that scene in Grey’s! I can definitely imagine this one! Enjoy <3

Coffee Ban

Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Luke Alvez x Reader
Prompt: Request

Description: You loved coffee. So, if you couldn’t have it…neither could Luke.

An exhausted sigh left your lips as you sank into your chair, hands gripped tightly around the steaming cup of hot coffee. You had never needed the drink more. Your hand drifted to your stomach, fondly tracing the tiny bump.

Even though you were still in the early stages of pregnancy, it was already becoming increasingly uncomfortable for you. Changing your sleeping position and constantly having to get up to go the bathroom had left you tired and slightly irritable.

You took an appreciative sniff of the black liquid, the steam warming your face pleasantly. The relief you got just from its strong scent was almost laughable. You could already feel your senses waking up at the prospect of finally getting to enjoy a cup of coffee.

You sneakily glanced around to check the bullpen was empty. Luke had been dragged off by Garcia, undoubtedly to receive a lecture on how he should be carrying all your bags into work now. All your other coworkers desk were fortunately abandoned, most of them still making their way into the office.

A smug smile played on your face as you victoriously drummed your fingers against the paper cup. Yesterday, you had recruited Reid to your team. His extensive knowledge providing you with all the scientific evidence you needed to prove to your colleagues that you were entitled to one cup of coffee a day – 200mg of caffeine to be precise.

You would savour every last granule.

However, before you managed to get the cup to your mouth, a hand swept in to seize your beloved coffee from you. A shriek of outrage and surprise escaped your lips as you glared angrily up at JJ.

“Excuse you.” You reached forward to swipe the cup back from her, growling in frustration as she took a step back. “Please JJ, I’m tired.”

You decided to resort to whining in the hopes that the blonde would take pity on you. Surely, she understood – having been pregnant twice – not to get in the way of a woman and her coffee.

You heard Emily laugh softly at your dismay, finding your pouting incredibly funny rather than effective. She patted you gently on the shoulder as you smoldered angrily at the three women now surrounding your desk. At least Tara had the decency to conceal her laughter, her shoulders shaking under the strain as she tried to compose herself.

A gasp of disbelief escaped your throat as JJ took a grateful swig of the coffee you had been dreaming about since you had woken up this morning.

“But I’d won. Reid backed me up.” You cried, but your desperate protests only made your team members laugh harder. Your intervention yesterday had apparently gone less well than you had believed.

“Well, Reid’s not here now.” Prentiss told you, smirking at the fury in your eyes as you hissed angrily about how you preferred the BAU’s resident genius to them all anyway.

Tara laughed softly, tapping your leg supportively. “But…we did get you a lovely replacement.”

You shot her a curious glance, genuinely intrigued by what she meant. Maybe, they had found a pregnancy-friendly coffee.

However, your face fell hysterically as Garcia plonked a plastic cup in front of you, the contents extremely unappealing.

“A smoothie?” You uttered the words with absolute distain. “If I wanted fruit I’d eat it. Not drink it crushed up through a straw.” You wrinkled your nose as you shoved the green-coloured mush away from you. Even the smell was making you feel a little nauseous.

“But the wonderful Penelope Garcia went through all this trouble to get you this lovely drink Y/N.” JJ grinned at your evident disgust. After all, they had all expected your resistance to the change in your morning routine.

Ever since you had joined the bureau, a coffee cup had been practically glued to your hand. But, they loved you and were so excited for the new addition to the BAU family, that they had decided to risk your wrath.

You shook your head, folding your arms across your chest determinedly. “I don’t do pulp.” There were few things you believed in more than the fact drinks with bits in them were a repulsive crime.

The arrival of Luke provided you with an opportunity to fight back. As the father of your baby, he had to take your side. If not, he would be sleeping on the sofa for the foreseeable future.

“Luke, tell them I don’t do pulp.”

He chuckled softly, recalling the time when he had accidentally given you freshly squeezed orange juice for breakfast. The look of horror on your face would be etched in his mind forever.

“You don’t do pulp.” He nodded his head in confirmation at your words, his lips curving upwards into a wide grin.

You smirked victoriously at your female colleagues. But, your victory was short-lived.

“But, they’re trying to help you…and, for what it’s worth, I think the smoothie is a good idea.”

He ducked as you chucked a ball of paper at his head, his shoulders shaking with laughter at your apparent distress.

“Well, seen as you don’t have a womb, your opinion doesn’t count Luke.”

You frowned as you realised that you had given the four women stood beside you ammunition for their argument. An exasperated whine echoed around the room as you poked the straw at the slimy green substance.

They all just laughter at your expense. As you glanced upwards to glare angrily at them, you spotted something which only incensed you further. The coffee cup sitting proudly on Luke’s desk.

“No way.” You pointed accusingly at the drink, motioning for JJ to grab it. “If I can’t have coffee, you can’t have coffee.”

Luke opened his mouth to protest, but you silenced him.

“This-” You gestured down to your stomach. “-is your baby too Agent Alvez. So, no more coffee for you…or alcohol.”

You folded your arms across your chest in satisfaction, raising your eyebrows as if daring him to challenge your order. It was only fair. In fact, you were providing your boyfriend with the perfect opportunity to endorse gender equality.

A sheepish smile spread across his face as he glanced down sadly at his coffee. He knew you had a point. Plus, you adored your morning coffee and he did feel slightly guilty about all the things you had to give up. If it would help you through your pregnancy, he would do it.

“Fine.” He sighed heavily, walking over to reluctantly hand the cup over the JJ. “I’m on a coffee ban with you.”

Knowing smirks played on all the women’s faces as they congratulated themselves on hounding their fellow agent into submission. Even Garcia found it slightly sweet that Luke had sacrificed his coffee for you. Not quite as a noble sacrifice as in fairytales, but all the same.

Luke smiled at you softly as he bent down to press a tender kiss onto your temple.

“I’ll go to find you a smoothie without pulp.”

 As you lovingly stared at his retreating figure, you couldn’t help but realise how lucky you were to have him…despite having to surrender your beloved caffeine.

When they mistake your mother for you and hug her from behind

I loved this one!  Honestly, I get mistaken for my mother all the time, even on the phone, so this was extremely relatable.  Of course, my dad isn’t the understanding type, so…let’s hope this never happens to my s/o in the future XD

Originally posted by sonhyunwoomx

This guy seems super smooth, but honestly he’s an awkward bub.  He strikes me as the softly affectionate type and when he has an s/o he just adores them to pieces.  So when he sees what looks like you standing at the sink washing up the dishes from dinner, he gets this overwhelming feeling of pride just thinking about how one day that might be you in a house that belongs to the both of you, possibly with a family of your own.  It just makes him so very happy and he wants to express that happiness.  Of course, when it turns out to be your mother, he’s going jump backwards and immediately bow in apology, stuttering over himself and red in the face.  All of this would be come just so much worse if your father and you were standing at the entrance of the kitchen.  Unless your father is super uptight, I don’t see how anyone could possibly stay mad at Hyunwoo.  It was an honest mistake and he looks absolutely remorseful as it is.  “I’m so embarrassed…” “Ah, Hyunie, it really wasn’t that bad.”  “No. It was horrible.  I will never live this down.”  “I think it’ll make a good story.” “…why are you like this?”

Originally posted by mauloveskpop


OMG! Talk about mortified.  This poor baby is going to mentally shut down for a moment or two.  Like, all he wanted to do was surprise you!  He knew you really wanted him to meet your parents, but with his work schedule it was hard to make that happen.  Of course, when he got the call that he had a free day, the first thing he did was get ready to surprise you.  It had been agreed upon that you would be taking your parents to a nearby park for a picnic lunch, so when he saw “you” standing in the line for a snow cone at a popular food truck, he would quietly sneak up and pull “you” into a tight bear hug.  At the surprised squawk your mother let’s out, Hoseok is going to know instantly that he’s made a huge mistake!  He’ll leap backwards with an apology already leaving his lips.  This guy is going to stay bent in half until the real you comes to stand next him, gently rubbing his back all the while trying to keep your laughter at bay.  If your dad is someone who’s a little more disconcerted by the situation, Hoseok is going to be that much more upset.  This definitely was not how he wanted to meet your parents.  It’ll take a while before he recovers mentally from the whole situation.  Though, he might be put at ease if your mother is good natured about it.  “Well, at least I don’t have to wonder why my baby likes you so much.” (insert coy wink and Hoseok’s bright red face of shame)

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Opposites attract

Peter Hayes

Mild defiling, duel, flirt, platonic fluff, smut

Fandom: Divergent

Request: “ Your writing is amazing! Omg! Can you do another divergent one where you transferred to dauntless from abnegation and you had no friends but after you beat Peters only competition in a fight during the first stage of initiation he stops being mean to you and starts to flirt with you really heavily until you give in and go out with him and he always winks at you during initiation and then before the attack simulations you have sex with him and he promises to protect you from Erudite???💗💗💗”

Word count: 1498

gif is not mine.

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if it was: part two

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

Summary: Second part of the enemy/soulmate-on-your-wrist-au. This one is so angsty……baz angsty. baz confirms what his feelings are and realizes something new.

Words: 1300

Warnings: poor little baz being angsty, but otherwise none

I’ll try to make the next part happier and get some agatha in there, hang tight :) more will probably actually happen in the next part (if you guys want it) (and as always, I love hearing what you guys think)

( @seraph-blades-and-mockingjays @giorgiawoolfe @we-are-the-crystal-bitches wanted to be tagged in the update)

THIRD YEAR (but tbh the year doesn’t really matter)


I reached up and touched my nose. My fingers came back scarlet with blood. Baz stood several yards away, barely out of breath but a bit startled. His fist had splatters of red on it and he looked at it then looked back at me. Heat swept like fire through my veins and tingled in my fingertips. I growled and marched over to Baz. Penny’s voice was muffled under the ringing in my ears, “No Simon! He’s not worth it, just walk away!”

I couldn’t walk away, he was standing there, taunting me with his flawless cheekbones and perfect hair. And he wasn’t even flushed! Damn his perfect complexion! I didn’t even swing at him, I just sort of launched myself at him and next thing I knew we were on the ground tangled in a mess of fists and limbs. Sparks flew from Baz’s fingertips and burned little holes in my uniform as we tumbled on the ground, and my hands grew hotter and hotter until when I tried to shove Baz’s face he gave a yelp of pain and yanked himself away, stumbling to his feet. There was a bright red hand print shaped patch of skin where I had touched him.

“Look what you’ve done, Snow!” he shouted, his pretty face twisting in a grimace. “You hurt everything you touch!”



It was torture, this. Fighting Snow. It mirrors everything that’s boiling in my chest and it feels so raw and alive. He feels so raw and alive, and for that brief moment I’m his and he’s mine and there’s no one else in the world he’s paying attention to. It’s exhilarating and unnerving, full of heat and blood and fists, and no one is holding back. And then I came undone, saying things I shouldn’t have, things that were too close to the truth. Every time this sort of thing happens I think that maybe if I just hurt Snow enough then he would lose the power to hurt me. It never works but I can’t stop now, I’m in too deep. I dug my own grave and now I might as well lay in it. (Doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.)

Snow stands there, staring dumbstruck at my face. I can still feel his heat on my skin and I want to clutch it to me, wrap my arms around myself and never let it go. I want to wrap my arms around him and never let him go, and I didn’t care if it burned because then at least he’d be burning with me.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

“Of course you’re sorry, you absolute dolt!” I spat at him. “You’re sorry and you’re sorry and you’re sorry again but it doesn’t make a difference.” Simon’s face crumpled as he tried to figure out what that meant. I really don’t think he’ll ever work it out. I spin around and glide down the hall, throwing a shaky-limbs curse at him (“Tremble in fear!”) on my way out.

Simon can stick with his angel face and angel friends. I’ll just burn alone.

I don’t want to see him, so I decide to skip classes for the rest of the day. I know it’s sulky and childish but right now I don’t want to deal with it. Any of it.



I didn’t see Baz in any of the usual classes for the rest of the day, which was strange. So far he’s been a model student, more studious than I could ever hope to be, and the idea of him skipping class was kind of out of character. His absence was making me anxious. As we were packing up after our last class I turned to Penny.

“Have you seen Baz anywhere?” Penny was busy trying to shove an over-sized stack of binders and notebooks into her bag.

“No, but I don’t care and you shouldn’t either. He’s a bully who thinks he can get away with anything just because his mother used to be headmistress.” This was news to me.

“Baz’s mom was headmistress?”

“Yeah, didn’t you know that?” I shook my head and frowned. “No. Why isn’t she headmistress anymore?”

“She died. In a fire several years ago.”

“Oh.” I thought about that.

* * *

Baz crept into our room late that night. I was in bed. I should’ve been asleep but for some reason I couldn’t relax with Baz gone. I could tell he was trying to be quiet, he must think I’m asleep. I studied him and noticed he looked…different. Shaken. And his eyes keep darting aimlessly around the room. He dropped his jacket to the floor and slouched to sit on the edge of his bed. As much as I had been angry at him before, I couldn’t feel any of that now. He looked so sad and hopeless, nothing like the Baz from earlier today. I cleared my throat, an uncomfortably loud sound in the silent room. He looked up, startled.

“Baz. Um, are you okay? You look…I dunno.”


“Well, yes. Maybe a bit.” He let out a long breath. “No, I’m not. But it’s nothing you need to trouble  

your pretty little head about, Snow.” He swept his hair out of his eyes and lay back on the bed. There was a moment of silence.

“I heard about what happened to your mom. I’m sorry.” Baz was still.



“Don’t pity me, Snow. I don’t want your pity, and I don’t need it.” He paused. “Anyway, it was a long time ago. I barely remember it.”

“Okay.” I was silent for a long while, then, on an impulse I whispered, “You know, we don’t have to be enemies.” Baz didn’t say anything. I looked over and saw that he was asleep, hallowed eyes closed and a fitful frown on his face. It doesn’t matter, it was a stupid thought and it isn’t important anyways. I don’t even know why I said it.



I"m sitting in a corner of the boy’s toilet, in the stall with the broken latch that no one ever uses. It’s become my usual haunting ground these days, I go there when I need time to think without anyone interrupting. I’ve practically memorized the web of cracks in the tiled floor and the various strings of curse words scrawled on the wall. There’s a heart in the corner that reads ‘Lila + Dale forever’. Lila and Dale broke up two months ago.

I pull off the bands covering my wrists and stare at the writing on them, trying to feel whatever it is that’s been growing inside of me. I look at Simon’s name and then I can feel it, a warm pulsing in my chest that makes my head weightless and my cheeks tingle with heat. I know it’s all Simon’s fault.

On Snow’s other wrist is written ’Davy’, his soulmate, and on my other wrist is…’Davy’. My enemy. Whoever this Davy person is, I want to find him and take him down. I know it’s selfish but fuck that, I hate seeing Snow happy when all I can do is be miserable from a polite viewing distance.

I was wrong before. I’m not often wrong but I was wrong this time. Simon’s not my enemy. I’m his enemy, that’s for sure, but he’s not mine. There’s no other explanation for staring at him when he’s not looking or the way his eyes melt my insides, or the way my chest hurts when he laughs. He’s my soulmate.

Tragic, isn’t it? My whole life is just one big fucking tragedy.

anonymous asked:

Omg! You're back😆! I'm so glad you are, how have you been? I am honestly so excited to see you are writing!❤️❤️ Can I request a scenario where Saitama and his S/O are out doing the groceries or something and his S/O gets all riled up at something some random guys said and they end up in this awkward (yet funny) and embarrassing situation? Thank you so much😘😋

I’ve had a crazy year since I left! But I’m well now! 8D 

I hope this is okay lol, the idea I went with came out of left field, and I’m writing at 6am. Please enjoy! <3

Word Count: 1873

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This is for you @vincentseyebrows! It’s based on this headcanon of yours I said I was going to write. I know it took me ages but here you go: the cheesiest cheesy soukoku friendly bickering + worried chuuya! 

(Ugh, English is not my mother tongue so I’m sorry. I hope you like it anyway)

“So you just stopped fighting? In the middle of the job?” Dazai chuckled. 

“Well, how could I not? That fucking jerk brought his goddamn child to the battlefield. He’s lucky I spared his life and even gave him a few lessons on how to take care of his fucking son.” Chuuya explained to his former partner while they were walking down the mall street. Somehow, it had become an habit for the two to find themselves casually walking by the city, chatting as if there wasn’t any single thing to worry about. “Don’t have fucking unprotected sex if you are not ready to take responsibilities.” 

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Loki Laufeyson

Anon: Omg, I’m the anon who asked for the Loki amusement park scenario & I absolutely LOVED IT! If you don’t mind, could you do a part 2? If he flipped out about cotton candy, I wanna see what he does on an actual ride xD

Yay, I’m so happy you liked it!!! Here’s your part two, it’s actually pretty long! Also more fluffy than funny, so I hope you still like it! :D I wasn’t sure how to stretch the ride alone into a full imagine so it’s just really cute.

Warnings: FLUUUUUUUUUUUFF, Scott being a dick, MILD swearing, an adorably frightened Loki

Words: 1077


You could tell that Loki was still not completely over the embarrassment from earlier, smirking slightly at how he jutted his bottom lip out and dragged his feet behind you. You stifled a laugh as he sent every person who passed you with cotton candy a nasty, biting glare. Taking pity on the poor demigod, you slowed your pace until you were by his side and tangled your fingers together.

His head snapped towards you in surprise to see you looking up at him with a strange warmth in your eyes. The kind smile on your face had him averting his gaze, an uncharacteristic nervousness falling over him. The compassion and patience that you had shown him since he came back to Earth with Thor still astounded him. You had fought the Chitauri in New York, you had seen what he did to Agent Coulson- and yet you would still hold him so close, let him into your heart so easily, love him so dearly?
He swallowed thickly as he felt an uncomfortable wetness in his eyes. He pointed his chin towards the sun, humiliated by his own weakness. You watched the many emotions flicker over his face and frowned when you saw that they were not all positive.

Knowing that he would clam up if you called him out on it, you gently tugged at his arm to stop him in the middle of the pathway. You did not look at him directly, knowing he would not face you fully right now, but instead threw your arms around his waist and buried your face into his chest.

Loki froze momentarily before hesitantly wrapping his long arms around your back to keep you close.

“I know this isn’t exactly your cup of tea,” You breathed out across his chest. “And it means so much to me that you would come do this with me. I wish to share my world with you Loki, as you are now such an important part of it.”

Your voice was strong and unwavering, and almost immediately Loki folded around you. He buried his face into your hair and breathed into your scent, pulling you closer to him so that he could feel every part of you. Smiling against his chest, you marveled at how he smelled of his old spell books and the citrus candles that you had gifted him last month.

“Oh Scott, look at them!” A little old lady with a fanny pack interrupted your moment, harshly elbowing an old man next to her who looked bored out of his mind. “What a cute couple!”

You two had sprang apart, still holding one another, as you manage to give her a very flustered ‘thanks’.

“Geez Betty, you ruined it for them!”

“Wha- no I didn’t, I said they’re cute! Stop being a dick, Scott!”

The quarreling couple began to walk away, leaving Loki in shock and you in a fit of giggles. He recovered after a moment and smirked at you.

“We are quite pleasing to the eye… Or at least you are, my love.” His fingers reached up to stroke at the blush that appeared on your cheeks. He leaned down just as you reached up to press your lips against his, the softness as always leading you to melt against him. He pulled away after gently sucking at your bottom lip, knowing that the small breathy moan that left you was a sign not to continue before things heated up.

“Anything else you’d like to do, darling?” You thought for a second, lips curling into a wide grin that made him a tad anxious as you thought of one last thing to do.

“I don’t like it.” As soon as the park employee tightened his straps he spoke up, practically traumatizing the poor kid as he bared his teeth at him.

“Oh calm down, you big baby.” You gently teased him, reaching over to poke at his cheek as the teenager pressed the metal bar down on your legs before scurrying away. “It’s gonna be fun!”

“I don’t like it.” He insisted, huffing as you rolled your eyes at him.

The same teenager hit a few buttons on the control panel and the roller coaster began moving slowly. You had made sure to snag a front seat, enjoying the lovely view of the park as the car began to very slowly creep up a large hill. Loki, on the other hand, was eyeing the tracks with disdain. He could clearly see rusted metal in some places and was that- good gods, was that actually wood holding you all up?! He went to turn to you to ask, but did a double take at the upcoming peak in the tracks.

“Ready, love?” You whispered towards him, very amused by the look of almost sheer terror on his face.

“And you know for a fact that this is safe?” It drew closer and closer, your boyfriend holding the bar so tightly with his hands that the metal creaked in protest.

“Sure!” You answered cheekily, snorting when he whipped his head to glare at you.

Just then, the car dropped over the side of the peak and you were flying. You heard Loki swear in his mother tongue and dig his nails into your arm as you both screamed when you hit  loop-de-loop at an incredible speed.

“We’ll fall out, we’ll fall out!” The Asgardian beside you began to panic as the car flipped upside down, moving to teleport you both away before you hushed him and gripped his hand tightly in yours for reassurance. The car slowed slightly and he gasped, but it was over just as quick and once again the coaster cars found momentum and fell forward at a breakneck speed. You hit a few more curves, laughing and shouting like mad at the wonderful sensation of flying.

The cars slowed as you were all brought to the exit. As the employees removed harnesses and people began to file out, the hall filled with laughter and playful ribbing. You turned to Loki to find him absolutely frozen, staring straight ahead unblinkingly with his lips parted.

“So, how did the trickster enjoy the ride?”

“Never again.” He still did not move, just stared ahead even as another teen removed the bar from your laps.


“Never, ever, again. This I swear.”

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades Darker (part 7/?)

1. Oh yes, let’s add some more “drama” by having Christian’s mysterious ex pop in and add tension and have Ana act all jealous and shit. Because hey, that’s what women do. *sigh*
2.My subconscious scowls at the woman with her most hostile harpy face.” – do you mean to tell me that’s not her usual face? No? The lies we believe…
3. Eavesdropping – the way shit always gets out. It will come bite you in the ass later on, Ana. Just fyi. Because this is the originality that this book can come up with.
4. “Don’t you miss it?” Elena continues.
     “Your playroom.”
- Ooooooh, OOOOOOH, shots fired.
5. I swear that Ana’s inner monologue consists of 50% exclamation points, 30% her fucking inner goddess doing some sort of acrobatics, 10% holy-shits/fucks/cows and other endangered species and 10% things that would go through a 10 year old’s head. Why do I do this to myself.
6. Elena (Christian’s ex) still has feelings for him. Calling it. Because we have the two most attractive people on the planet in this book, so naturally, everyone has the hots for them. Ana attracts EVERYONE and they’re all creeps to her, Christian attracts EVERYONE because he’s the perfect man. Go figure. *yawns*
7.We had a very long-standing affair, she beat the shit out of me often, and I fucked her in all sorts of ways you can’t even imagine, end of story.” – something every girl wants to hear. Never. Also, actual line from this book.
8. These people are going in circles with their conversations. I now understand why this book is close to 400 pages. They keep discussing the same shit over and over again. Stahp. There’s only so much I can take.
You can summarize these books in a handful of sentences: Girl meets boy. Boy is a fucking abusive creep. Girl loves boy despite all his flaws because he is damaged and she must saaaaaave him. Boy realizes he loves girl too and oh my, he’ll chaaaange for her. *pauses to throw up* All the drama. Such drama, much wow. Drama is a poor excuse for a plot. The end. Here, I just saved you an unpleasant experience. You’re welcome.
10.He scowls down at me, making me feel like an errant child—again.” – Christian Grey, a summary. Ana, if this shit still surprises you… *in my best Tyra Banks voice*: I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! Please be smarter kthxbye.
11.Can we ever have a normal conversation without it disintegrating into an argument?”- let me answer that for you, Ana: no, because when you try and have a conversation with a control freak, that’s what happens. BOOM TRUTH
12.He’s so complicated.” – apparently „complicated” is code word for messed-up, manipulative, abusive, controlling. Okay then.
13.Why can’t I take a little more pain for my man?” – What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Read. Ana no. No.
14. OKAY TRUTH TIME WITH MARY: Literally, the only thing these two people have in common is that they really like having sex with each other. The moment things start to get serious, it all goes to shit. 90% of their conversations end in a fight and/or angry sex. Now, I’m all for people having fun and feeling good with each other, but sex isn’t the basis in a relationship. Eventually, everything else catches up and no amount of amazing sex can make up for that. Which is why it hurts my eyes, my soul and my brain that this is so unrealistic.
15. Piano sex – check!
16. We’re back to the „there” – he’s doing that to me…there. Kids, remember, vocabulary is important. Otherwise you end up writing a shitty book, that uses the same words over and over again, while at the same time, throws some fancy words to confuse the readers and make them believe it’s actually good literature. Do not fall into this trap. Be smart, stay in school!
17. What to never say to a woman/any other human being: “Argue with me, and I am going to take it out on your body somehow.” NO. Christian, you fail this class. Go sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done. Abusive piece of shit. Hey, I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
18. Holy chicken turtle. I told you I’m fed up with the holy cows. OTHER ANIMALS NEED LOVE TOO. inner goddess back-flips over her chaise longue.” – I hope she breaks a fucking hip
20. Let me give you a taste of the names of their e-mails, because it’s been a while, you might have forgotten how „clever” they are. Also, they still haven’t discovered the reply button: Wet Hardware, Giggling—and wet too, Maddening Woman, Irritating Baggage, Laters – WHAT EVEN IS THIS
21. Holy ice cream cone worm (good luck getting that image out of your head). I am making it my mission to end cow monopoly. END THE HOLY COWS.
23.My sub¬conscious swoons into a dead faint, and I don’t think even smelling salts will bring her back.” – IS SHE DEAD? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP?
24. I am firmly convinced that no one edited this book. No one. I can’t explain the jeez-es and the holy fucks and shits and cows in any other way. I just can’t. *throws hands in the air*
25. Leila: “Why does Master like us like this? It makes me think something … something … Master is dark … Master is a dark man, but I love him.” – what even is this. What the everloving fuck
26. “We swears to serve the Master of the Precious. We will swear on — on the Precious!”
27. “Master has given a sock. Master gave it to Dobby.”
I’m not even sorry for these two quotes.
29.He’s joined me in the light.” – HAHAHAHAHAHA OMG, I actually laughed out loud at this. Sad thing is that it’s written in all seriousness. What the fuck.
30. Christian goes all Dark Lord on Leila and she drops to her knees. He’s apparently Dominating Christian. WHAT EVEN IS THIS BOOK.
31. And now Ana sees how Christian is controlling Leila and she’s feeling awful because „this is what he needs”. The author’s way of saying: I have no fucking clue what else to write, so I’ll create drama and angst out of nothing, this should work, yes, I am so smart. *receives piles of money*
32. “She does seem to have an uncanny ability to evade us,” – maybe Leila has actual super powers, this would make this book about a hundred times better. At least it’d made sense how the best investigators money can buy weren’t able to catch a girl. I know it’s all for drama’s sake, but fuck, man, keep it at least in the vicinity of reality. *shakes head*
33. Ana wallows in self pity because Christian is helping Leila. Which means: LET’S GET DRUNK. Yes, this cannot end well. I can’t even find it in myself to care a little bit. Not a lot, I’m not asking for the impossible here. But at least a little bit. Nope. My care boat is on the bottom of the ocean.
34. Ana: “I’m no good for you.” – OH FOR FUCKS SAKE NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN
35. I need to quote all this for you guys, because I don’t even:
“You can’t go. Ana, I love you!”
“No,” he breathes, his eyes wide with panic, and suddenly he drops to his knees in front of me, head bowed, long-fingered hands spread out on his thighs. He takes a deep breath and doesn’t move.What?
“Christian, what are you doing?”
He continues to stare down, not looking at me.
“Christian! What are you doing?” My voice is high-pitched. He doesn’t move. “Christian, look at me!” I command in panic.
His head sweeps up without hesitation, and he regards me passively with his cool gray gaze—he’s almost serene … expectant.
Holy Fuck … Christian. The submissive.

36. I’m fucking done.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6

Things I have learned from Fifty Shades of Grey masterpost

2013ashton  asked:

"I can't lose you, I need you" for calum please??

insp. || finished requests from insp.

“Y/N, I swear to fucking god…” Calum weakly muttered into his phone, his eyebrows scrunched and body tense as he sat with his elbows on his knees in the corner of the room. For hours, he’d been like this; antsy and snappy because you hadn’t been answering any of his calls or texts. It’d started two days ago, your refusal to talk to him, but it didn’t really become apparent to him until this morning because of all the promo he’d been doing with the band.

“Cal…” Ashton coaxed, the drummer approaching Calum with caution, like the dark-haired boy was a wounded animal that might attack at any point just for the sake of trying to protect itself. “We’ve gotta start another interview, man.”

Calum grunted, standing up and shoving his phone into his pocket forcefully. Following Ashton over to the worn leather couch on the other side of the room, he sucked in deep breathes to calm his racing heart, trying (in vain) to unclench his fists to appear as neutral as possible. Though he barely spoke a word during the entire line of questioning, Calum had at least done a good job of nodding along to what the other boys were saying and laughing if they made a funny comment. He tried (unsuccessfully) to throw himself into the interview, thinking maybe if he didn’t think about you for more than ten seconds, your name would magically flash onto the screen of his phone and his worry would be for nothing.

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And now I have a long ass train ride home, so I’m going to write all about it. Rambling, spoiler-filled commentary (about the plot, the music, the choreography, and other details from the room where it happens) lies ahead!

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Draco Malfoy - Can you please give me more of that?

A/n: okay so because I daydream about my baes 24/7 I got this smol drabble and whoop here it is

so Draco and you are friends, but you’re mean and sarcastic to each other and stuff. And then, one day, it changes…

Warnings: swear words (omg I know I’m so bad), kissing (is that supposed to be a warning? I mean, you’re reading fanfiction xD)

 Word count: 869

Originally posted by fuckxquotes

‘And you… Slytherin!’ the Sorting Hat yelled. Yes, you thought, that was kinda what you were hoping for. Maybe it was a bit of a pity that you didn’t get sorted in Gryffindor, because you almost instantly befriended a couple Gryffindors, like Fred & George for instant. You took place next to a boy with the blondest hair you’ve ever seen. He smirked. ‘You a fullblood?’ ‘Yes.’ You said, while rolling your eyes, you hated when wizard people thought they were better because of their blood status. ‘Good.’ he’d answer. ‘I’m Draco Malfoy, by the way.’ Pfff. Like you didn’t know.

You grew up to be quite the friends with all of the other houses, but mostly with the twin brothers, and Ron, Hermoine and Harry; the Gryffendors. You and Draco had a weird way of getting along: you were friends, but mean to each other. This continued, until one time, in your fourth year…

You were listening to music, that was your and Draco’s thing: listening to music. Your mom and dad were both Ravenclaws and your father worked at a technology company for wizards, and you got this little device for Christmas with all the music ever made and it automatically updated everyday. 

You and Draco were sitting in the common room, on the couch. You were just moving a bit with your hips and laughed at the face Draco made. You just turned 16 a couple of days ago and your mother had send you a cake so obviously, you were eating the cake.  ‘So, this band is called?’ Draco asked. ‘Pink floyd’ you answered, with your mouth full of cake. He nodded. ‘It’s a pretty good band. I mean, for… a muggle band.’ You looked him dead in the eye for a minute, and then you both started lauging. ‘You are so funny. Does everyone still believes that you hate everything that’s muggle related?’  you asked, while shoving a piece of cake in Draco’s mouth. He ate it, quickly, and spat: ‘How can I answer your question when you shove a piece of cake in my mouth? You’re so stupid.’ you laughed, and you found myself, resting with your head on his shoulders. ‘Just answer my question, dickhead.’ he poked you and continued: ‘Well, they still do. But thank you for letting me see that muggles are not always… stupid.’ you giggled. ‘What?’ Draco asked. ‘I believe this is the first time ever you say something nice to me.’ 

‘No, that’s not true, is it? I mean, I must’ve say something nice sometimes. Like that your clothes looked good on you or… that your hair looks good or something.’ Draco became a bit red, but you couldn’t see it since you were practically hugging. ‘Nope, never. You are closer to saying things like: “Wow nice, your hair looks like a dead rat” or: “Nice clothes, where do you find them, a dumpster?”’ Draco chuckled. ‘Am I really that mean to you?’ you nodded, while eating the last piece of cake. ‘So I never told you that I enjoy your presence? That I’m glad that you’re around?’ Draco moved with his fingers near your hips. 

You wanted to answer, but it was like all the words you ever wanted to say to him just vanished into thin air, and all you could do was move closer to Draco. He smiled widely, and now went with his hand trough your y/h/c hair. ‘I’m glad that you’re around, too,’ you whispered. You twisted so you were still laying but you now were facing Draco, ‘a lot, to be honest.’ He smiled, moving some hair out of your face, and put it behind your ear. ‘I’m glad you do, y/n.’ he whispered in your ear. ‘Okay,’ you said on a normal tone, ruining the romantic moment, ‘now, I’m going to do something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.’ you said, while moving away from him.

Draco looked confused and disappointed for a moment, until you took place on his lap, with each leg on a different side. You put your arms around his neck, as he shyly smiled at you. Draco Malfoy, the heir of Slytherin, the most arrogant boy of whole Hogwarts, and you made him shy. Or at least for that moment. But he quickly changed, as he wrapped his arms around your waist and he pulled you close. ‘Are you kidding me y/n? Is this some twisted prank you’re pulling me?’ He whispered, pulling you even closer, his lips were less than inches away from yours. ‘You tell me, baby.’ You smiled, and suddenly, your lips made contact. You wanted to kiss him passionately, but you just couldn’t hold yourself together, so soon, your lips were strangled in each other. One of your hands was resting in his neck, the other was roughly going trough his beautiful blond hair. He moaned softly and after a minute or so, when you  paused for a bit, Draco moved your hair behind your ear and asked. ‘If that was a prank, can you please give me more of that?’ 

That was my first kiss with Draco Malfoy. And Hell knew there were a lot more to come.

the rising sun & the moon

Title: the rising sun & the moon

Summaryprompt: school au where Phil is really into astrology and only dates someone if their zodiac sign is compatible to his; Dan secretly pines for Phil and always tries to subtly mention how compatible geminis and aquariuses are

Word count: 806 

A/N: i’m sorry this is so short omg i tried i just loved the prompt so much. and yes i’m still filling prompts from phanfic bc i have no imagination lmao, if u love me send me prompts!!! anyway yes hope you enjoy!!

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A trip down memory lane.

A/N: You know when people say ‘omg tHis hAs bEeN sAT iN my dRaFTS sInCe foRevEr!!!’ yeah well I think I win this competition with a shocking eight months of this being sat in my drafts. I touched up on it and hopefully you enjoy.

Summary: The Avengers find out your past with HYDRA.

Pairing: Avengers x Reader

Warnings: Beatings (not you, don’t worry) + angst.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Steve had no hint of acceptance in his voice. Maybe this was the end of all things good.

“It never exactly cropped up into conversation,” you were trying to defend yourself but you said it a little to harshly. You were so desperate for them to see you not as the HYDRA agent you were because if they do, then who would even begin to see you as the reformed person you are now? 

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house on fire (leave it all behind you)


Killian seems confused for a moment, likely at the half-gibberish that’s pouring out of her mouth, but then he smiles.

“Love,” he says, gently pulling one of her hands from his hook so he can entangle his fingers with hers.  “Just say the word.  I’ll follow you anywhere.”

Words: ~5K

Rated: T for language and make outs (also D for dicking around in the airport) 

Notes:  So @seastarved and I have this headcanon that Killian Jones is actually incredibly intelligent, and would always come out on top in KJ vs. The Modern World.  So I wrote this story for her.  This started out as a CS at the airport ficlet, and evolved into a weird, post Season 5, CS goes on vacation angst/fluff fic.  So spoilers through 5B.  I’m not sure what this is, but I hope you enjoy!  Title from the lyrics of Step Out by Jose Gonzalez.

Also on ao3 and ff

It starts with onion rings.

Of course.

It’s only been days – days – since Emma went through literal hell to rescue her pirate.  A number of hours that she could have counted before she even went to kindergarten.  As such, in the time that follows, she spends every moment, sleeping or awake, curled protectively around him.  She hadn’t noticed before –

“Death looks good on you,” she snarks, eyeing his beautiful form as he fights alongside her.  It distracts her from the oozing, screeching, things that crowd around them.  Not enough that she can’t chop their miserable heads off.  Just enough that she manages not to vomit while she does it.

– but as she follows the contours of his cheeks with the back of her hand, the other buried forevermore, it seems, in his unruly hair, she notices he’s looking a tad slight. Bones a bit more prominent, skin a bit more taught.  She figures she’s being paranoid, so she brushes it off in favor of clutching at his chest while he naps the day away.

But it comes to a head when she drags him down to Granny’s for a decent meal.

“Killian Jones!” Granny shouts, before the door even shuts behind them.  “Well, now, hell must really be empty.” 

“Ah, the Widow Lucas,” he intones.  “Ornery as ever, I see.”

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anonymous asked:

Owen was injured in combat, he's not sure if he'll ever walk again, but Doctor Dearing isn't letting him give up

A/N: This is a fic I’ve put off for ages because I felt so conflicted about doing it. Like I wanted to make it a proper fic but I’m sticking with this one shot. I also did a heap of research for this, though most of it will probably not be accurate because IT’S SO HARD TO FIND STUFF ON BACK INJURIES OMG. But I tried. So I hope everyone likes it. have fun 

(This fic is fairly angsty so be warned)

World Spins Madly On

Owen clenched onto the sheets beneath him, the doctor explaining his condition. The tour he had just been on was short. For him. He was protecting another man’s back when his own was shot. The doctor explained that the bullet hit his spine and there was a chance he may never walk again. Owen stared down at his useless legs, the legs that would never walk again, that would never feel again. How useless.

The doctor rattled on about treatments that there was always a chance that Owen wasn’t paralysed for life, but Owen just heard paralysed. That’s what he was. Goddammit. It wasn’t fair. He said that Owen would be receiving house visits from a doctor to help him with his recovery.

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anonymous asked:

for the writing prompt thing, #50 with spamano?? thank u!!!

I’m still working on these I promise omg
Sorry for tardiness!!

50- going through a divorce au

The smoke wafting off Antonio’s cigarette blew into his eyes and got them watering. At least, that’s what he told himself.

Everyone had told him everything would be better once it was finalized. Once the papers were signed, the lawyers were dismissed, and the last of each other’s stray shirts and old coffee mugs were either returned or burned, things were supposed to go back to normal. A new start, they called it. The ashes the flames of divorce left were supposed to be swept away and forgotten.

Then why did Antonio feel as though he’s still on fire?

The cigarette fell to pieces at his feet, and Antonio immediately pulled and lit another one. He chuckled to himself. Roderich had hated his smoking, so after a months-long battle, he quit. And the moment he moved out he was right back at it again. That could probably be read as symbolic by some literature snob somewhere, but Antonio knows it’s nothing more than revenge in it’s most childish form.

Antonio never loved Roderich. Not in the way he was supposed to love him, at least. And Roderich had likely never loved him either. Their marriage was confusing while it lasted, years of stilted conversation and miscommunications and long stretches of time apart… but it had been a marriage, nonetheless. And a marriage is always to be taken seriously.

It wasn’t as though they’d hated each other, either. Roderich had filled the house with music. Gentle, lilting, beautiful music, music that lifted from the grand piano and created an atmosphere that Antonio could live in forever.

But Roderich obviously felt differently. One too many tiny, insignificant fights, and he was gone. The house is dead silent now.

Antonio takes another drag on his cigarette and looks up. The clouds are pooling together, a mix of greys and whites like paint in the bottom of a jar. Antonio sniffs, half-laughs, smiles. Of course it’s going to rain. What pretentious shit.

“Hey bastard, can you move?”

The angry voice brings Antonio away from his self pity and back down to earth. Standing in from of him is a brunette, scowling man with crossed arms and an impatiently tapping foot. Then, Antonio realizes he’s standing directly in front of a red Italian sports car. “Oh, my apologizes!” he says, summoning his usual amount of cheer. Just because he’s having a bad day doesn’t mean he needs to make this stranger’s day worse.

“You really shouldn’t go around leaning on other people’s cars, you know,” says the man. Antonio smiles and offers another apology, but the man just waves him silent and starts digging through his pockets. Antonio knows he should probably walk away but doesn’t. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that this man is still digging through his pockets.

“Doing okay?” asks Antonio finally.

“Are you still here?” he snaps. He reaches into his back pocket again, comes up with nothing, and lets out a sound between a groan and a scream. “God fucking dammit… I lost my fucking keys!”

Antonio is a bit taken aback by the language, but it doesn’t bother him. “That’s a shame,” he says. “Where did you last have them?”

“The last time I… Who are you, even? Jesus!”

Antonio chuckles a bit. After living with someone for years who only expressed his frustrations with passive aggression, this unabashed temper is kind of refreshing. “My name is Antonio. And yourself?”

“Lovino, though it’s hardly any business of yours.” Lovino sighs. “Dammit, I must have dropped them in the coffee shop…”

“The Starbucks right down the road?”

Lovino scrunches his nose. “No, not Starbucks. It’s this little Italian place on third. I doubt you’ve ever even heard of it.”

Oh my, and a hipster as well! Antonio definitely has experience dealing with those. “Is it La Fiorentina?” he asks, feigning modestly even as he takes silent pride in his perfect pronunciation.

Lovino stops, blinks. “Yes, actually.”

Antonio nods. “Thought so. My husband and I used to go all the time.”

“Used to?” says Lovino. “Why would you ever stop? They have the best damn lattes in the city.”

“Oh, well, I still go on my own. Just not with him. We’re getting divorced.” Antonio cringes a bit after he says it. He’s always had a little problem with over sharing, and this is a flawless example. He decides to leave out that he’s actually avoided that coffee shop like the plague ever since he signed the papers.

“…oh.” Lovino isn’t scowling anymore. “I’m sorry about that.”

“That’s alright,” says Antonio even though it very much ISNT alright, but he supposed it will be eventually, as all hardships in life eventually turn out.

“God, I have an appointment in half an hour. If I don’t find those damned keys…” Lovino sighs deeply. “Goddammit.”

“Why don’t you allow me to help?” says Antonio without thinking. He doesn’t have anything better to do, after all. “I can do it as repayment for smudging up your car.”

Lovino scoffs. “Are you for real?”

“I would hope so.” Antonio stomps out his cigarette, finding he doesn’t have any urge to light up another one. “Come on! I’ll even buy you a latte.”

bettydice  asked:

4, fenris/hawke

Special Delivery (f!hawke/fenris - Hot UPS delivery-person AU)

It’s not fair.  It’s not even a fly-over country on the way to fair.  He’s just too hot.

Isabela, predictably, was practically convulsing in the work space across from hers.  This was not the first time Hawke had cause to regret Varric’s ‘artistic vision’ for their shared space at Tethras Weekly because it meant that she and Isabela literally shared a space, and the woman had a horribletendency to pirate all the best K-cups and commandeer social situations, sailing them from rivers of awkward into the deep seas of downright humiliating.

For Hawke, that was, who spent a lot of time on Wednesdays at three o’clock with a blush from the tips of her toes to the roots of her hair.  Isabela was impossible to embarrass, which was convenient because Hawke’s repertoire of pranks was amassed circa the fifth grade, and somebody at least had to pretend to be an adult or no one would knowingly consent to leaving them alone in the office unsupervised.

“Don’t you have a column to write?” Hawke demanded, head definitely not in her hands behind the obscuring bulk of her monitor.  It was 2:45 - she had approximately fifteen minutes to pull it together before he showed up and her tongue spontaneously transformed into a macramé plant holder.  As was tradition.

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