old zelda

At some point(s) in time(s), Link becomes friends with a young woman, Cremia, and her younger sister Romani. If you spend some time alone with Romani, she’ll happily confide to you that her big sister is letting her drink a whole bottle of Chateau Romani, a potent beverage usually reserved for the rite of passage into adulthood. You have to get into a members-only club in a basement and wear a cow mask to drink it, so you know Chateau Romani’s the stuff they usually reserve for adults and their naked painting parties. But Romani is Link’s age, so it’s a mystery as to why she’s being given free rein to knock back the good stuff … until you realize that her sister is intentionally getting her hammered so she won’t feel any pain when the apocalypse hits.

Cremia knows that the world is probably going to end – the Moon’s death mask of a face keeps getting closer and closer to the ground with every passing minute, so it’s a reasonable assumption to make – but little Romani is blissfully ignorant of this, something that can only be explained by how goddamned smashed she is all of the time.

After a while, Romani will ask Link to help her deal with the little problem of aliens abducting their cows. If, like her sister, you decide not to believe this tiny drunkard’s ramblings, the next day you find Cremia sobbing helplessly, as her sister has been abducted herself. Romani does reappear later, but forevermore, she has a thousand-yard stare, speaks in a flat, zombified tone, and twitches uncontrollably every so often in a violent full-body spasm. All you can do is leave her be and hope she can find some peace at the bottom of a milk jug.

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