old photos i found on my hard drive

(Photo: 8th June 2012)

Today my Dad and I found a box I haven’t touched in four years and it contained a variety of items like old phones, cameras, leads and one small hard drive. Assuming it didn’t work, I plugged it in and was blown away to find this tiny piece of plastic contained over 300GB’s of missing footage of my family and I (scanning 2011-2012), including all the photographs from the day above. 

For years, I’ve only had the handful I uploaded online and was dependent on them - now I have the originals and several hundred different ones to view!

It’s like stepping into a time capsule of 19 year old me, I have private photos, family photos, documents and snippets… It’s incredible. Hello younger me, good to see you once more - or more than what you shared online  <3333.

6

So, I used to be skinny.

I have been putting this post off for a long, long time. Actually, I’ve been putting this task off, for a long, long time.  Tonight I finally dug up an old hard drive of mine, found old “skinny” photos of yours truly, saved them to a Dropbox file, downloaded the Black’s Photo App on my phone, and ordered each of the above photos.  Yup, that all happened.

But firstly can we please note how (pardon my French) fucked it is that I thought I was fat when pretty much all the above photos were taken? I remember thinking I wouldn’t be one of those people. One of those people who didn’t actually see their own weight loss. But fuck that, I was. It’s honestly so bizarre how the mind doesn’t actually see the right reflection in the mirror.

On that note, when I look in the mirror today I don’t hate what I see. I know I can improve and get healthier, but I’m also aware I’m still down over twenty pounds from my highest, and in another time, past or present, I could envy what I look like now.  I’m happy with lots of things on my body: my teeth, my eyebrows, my lashes. I like that I carry weight well. Have high cheek bones, big eyes, and good hair. On the whole, most days when I walk outside I still think I look A-okay (weight gain and all), so why then did I develop the above photos?

The photos above were chosen pretty randomly. I skimmed old photo albums and if a photo caught my eye, it was most likely because of one of three reasons: 1.) I thought I looked really skinny in it, 2.) there is an item of clothing (cough Burberry coat cough) that I still own and would like to one day wear again, or 3.) there are some photos that I remember the way I felt in them (like the Mt. Everest one), where I simply want to feel that energetic again. (Also, let the record be known it’s a lot easier horse riding not chubs.)

So why am I forcing myself to see these photos, you ask? Why because I am making myself a “motivational chart,” of course! Yup, it’s a thing. Google it.  In the past few weeks I’ve realized there is no bigger motivation for me to lose weight, than myself. And quite bluntly, it’s not just all about looking better, but mostly feeling better.  I have notably less energy 40 pounds heavier than I did in the above photos. Life is harder at this weight. And I am now just naturally way more lazy. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. I don’t like not wanting to clean my apartment because of the effort involved.  Or not being able to keep up with my sister (who recently had a baby!!!!) on our dog walks.  Or the thought of a 5k being exhausting (seriously, how have I run four marathons?! truly, this blows my mind.)

So here I am, being too honest for my own good. I suppose I’ve just felt really lucky the past few weeks, and blessed to have traveled the world so much, to have awesome friends, family, and an apartment, a career I love-love-love, and this (this being my weight) is really one of the last things that really bother me about my life. So yup, there’s that.

Oh! and before the honesty train leaves the station, I’ll also be super conceited for a hot second and note that when I was the weight above, men noticed me. All the time. And now? Now there are days/weeks where I am literally invincible to the opposite sex. I know, whoa, bold to say.  But I promise you this is true. It’s actually really crazy, and I sort of want to write a post dedicated to it, but knowing me, I won’t. Also, perhaps it’s the difference of three years of age? I don’t know. But it’s crazy to see people see through me.

I’m not going to declare some big, bold, plan here to lose weight. Hell, I don’t have a secret combination that works. Obviously. But I do know each and every day I’m going to try my damm best to be healthier, more active, and take care of my body better. I’m not going to be stupid (I know what food is good, and what isn’t), and I’m going to think twice before I lay on the couch, or stuff my face with something bad.

And… I make a point to never preach anything through this blog, but if you’re on the way up, after losing weight, please learn from me and stop it early.  In three years I gained less than a pound a month (umm how easy is that?!), but then ka-pow! one day you wake up, your clothes don’t fit, and all those “I’ll start tomorrows” were three days ago, and all that hard work is erased.

So there you have it folks. Now, please excuse me as I collect quotes from my archives (yes, oh! it is not lost on me that I started this blog nearly SIX years ago to lose weight) to print for my Motivational Board! :)

a popular cartoon i remember first watching this when i was 12 and i found the talking prune really funny. For halloween 2008 i dressed up as the prune from AKIRA but all the photos got lost on my old hard-drive when it fell down the stairs. 

important ooc?? maybe

//Okay, so, I’ve been looking through my photos from my old hard-drive (i think it’s from around 2011-2013 ish) and I kinda found something that I  really, uh, need to talk about.

This was me back in the days, and living with parents who believed hair length= sexuality/gender, I’ve had like, long hair for about as long as I can remember. But the thing is, I’ve never, ever, in my life felt like I was a girl- I’ve always been a boy. It was hard for me because I kept being forced into wearing dresses and skirts, doll up when I head out and told that being anything other than a cis/het female was wrong ever since I was born. But the thing is, if you keep telling a kid something like that repetitively they’ll grow up thinking it’s actually true, so I was basically throwing around transphobic/homophobic insults and jokes as a kid because I thought it was OK, that I should be downgrading people who were trans and gay because my parents told me because they were ‘gross’ and ‘diseased’. 

I basically grew up thinking I was a girl, but it never felt right, it’s as if there was something wrong with me that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around. I started to see things in a different way, I didn’t like wearing frilly pink dresses or have long curly hair and, I started to see girls in a different way too- I started to like them, as much as I liked boys. It was weird at first, I didn’t know what to call it when you liked a girl as in a boy way, and you liked a boy in a boy way? Hella confusing. I thought i was just a Bi-female, but then I found out what Transgender meant. Holy shit, I was so happy to find out that I was a Transboy and that other people felt the same way, so (stupidly) I told my mother about it…and she wasn’t very happy- furious even.

We got into this long heated argument that lasted for about a few months until I decided, “fuck it” and hacked of my hair with a pair of gardening scissors. She kicked me out of the house for a week, and I kinda had really bad depression/anxiety bc of that. Our relationship got stale, we don’t talk as much as we did before, but she still somehow manages to find space for a lot of transphobic insults, which I now find a lot more offensive than I did before. So I really couldn’t take it anymore and moved out. 

This is me now, happy that I can live my life being a boy. Consider this me coming out to you guys, I AM A BOY. I know I’ve been quite flexible in terms of pronouns and what not bc I was scared y’all would react like my mom and not talk to me anymore, but I decided I should come out all together and just get it over with. HI, MY NAME IS MAX AND I AM A BOY. And I’m sorry for not telling you guys sooner, but hopefully, y’all would address me as a dude from now on. And it’s okay if you mess up and use female pronouns, I understand it’s not easy, but I am a patient person HAHA (i misgender myself somtimes, so I’ll cut you a lot of slack  ;v;)  THANKSshadjwefuiw.

3

Since my hard-drive died and I had to rescue stuff from it and go through my external back-up drive to bring my new drive up to date, I’ve been sifting through my old folders the way you go through old boxes in the attic. I found some interesting stuff.

Old shoppe product photos! I used to sell tiny decorated framed artwork at conventions -this is them with a few of my aunt’s hatpins. And then my favorite disembodied hand holding my collection of Snapdragon Tea divining trinkets. (S.T. is a fiction of mine and one of my characters tells fortunes with a collection of metal insects and a small bottle of large black sand.) And last, but never least, the late and great Hunter Bear doing his best zombie impersonation. Good times.

3

Found my old hard drive with over 600 photos i don’t think i have ever posted online. Here’s the first few, walking down (the back then) almost constructed Chatswood to Epping Link in Sydney Australia. 

Instagram: @twentyfoursevendtd

View from the “Daniel” steeple of Saint Georg’s Church, 90m (295ft) above the town of Nördlingen in Bavaria, Germany. Photo taken in 2005.

That faint rise of hills off on the horizon are the remnants of the rim of a large crater, 24 km (15 miles) across, known as the Nördlinger Ries. This viewpoint is from within the crater itself, fairly close to the center.

The crater is 14.5 million years old, and is the result of an asteroid impact event – recent calculations estimate the size of the space rock involved to have been about 1.5km (0.9 miles) in diameter.

9

I was lurking around my old external hard drives and found a ton of photos I took back in High School (Mostly around 2009-2010). This is back when I first got my camera and wasn’t taking things too seriously. Most of the images were just my friends messing around and your typical cliche “my first DSLR” type photos but there were a couple that caught my eye. Here are a few of those that I feel capture that awkward and wonderful time in my life. Some of them straight forward while others are hidden behind their their lack of context.

These are from the days full of freedom from responsibility, roaming the streets day and night because we could. Going through these got me thinking about life. The idea of freedom, self discovery and youth. How doing something little and stupid was somehow the most satisfying thing in the world. Living for the summer and each other. No worry for tomorrow.

I might do a series about this idea. Revisiting old images and capturing that fleeting feeling of being alive. Finding those eager breaths that you take before reality forces its weight down upon you. 

I’m doing a weird piece for class right now that makes me have to go back onto all my social media and all my hard drives and look for photographs that are the most emotionally impacting to me from my life. I made up the idea at first to kind of get away with not having to do work… but this has actually ended up being quite the handful for me emotionally. Having to look back to all my life right now; my old best friends, who I’ve lost, who I’ve loved… Shedding quite a few tears, both happy and sad. This is already much more interesting than I had planned.

The big issue is that I haven’t even found the cord to my original hard drive with photos all the way back to 9th grade on it… but I sure as hell have already gotten emotional enough going through all my past loves. And going through my tumblr was definitely not that much fun.