old gamers

You know what I love most about Reinhardt being a fan of D.Va? It means he actually watches her. Like, in between being a wandering hero guy, he’s sitting in his van watching D.Va stream Starcraft. He’s probably the nicest guy in the chat and can’t donate a lot, but always includes a nice donation message when he does. He probably rents her movies on the internet and forces Brigitte to watch these cheesy low budget movies with him. He’s probably the kind of guy who sets up, like, viewing parties of her fights. I mean, that’s such a thing he would do, sit down and watch people fight, yelling and getting all pumped up like he’s watching sports or something. He probably own at least one piece of pink and blue bunny-themed merch. This 7 ½ foot tall 60 year old German war veteran likes to watch 19 year old Korean pro gamer and idol Hana “D.Va” song in his off time.

Like it’s such an amazing thing to me that he canonically is just a fan of her’s. Just ‘cause.

I got my first paid job when I was 12, selling items at a booth at a Renaissance Faire. The guy I was working for was an old acquaintance of my dad, but he turned out to be a bit of a shithead.

He told me that I’d be paid on commission, so the more sold, the more I’d earn. So I summoned every scrap of sociability I possessed and schmoozed with older nerds. Twelve hour shifts, no meal breaks, three days. I sold so many goddamn swords, made upwards of three thousand dollars. I sweated and sweltered and survived on pocketfuls of fruit roll-ups and beef jerky. I grimaced in agreement every time some 18 year-old gamer would pick up a shitty prop longsword, examine it, and pronounce it “a fine blade”.

When the weekend was over, I received a pat on the head and a hundred-dollar bill.

Who you should fight: Overwatch Edition
  • Bastion: 115% chance he kills you. Listen I know they’re pretty chill but his combat programming takes over in danger situations and he will literally murder you on the spot. Do not do it.
  • D. Va: 0% chance she knocks you out. Listen, she’s a 19 year old professional Gamer that would probably get knocked out by a stiff breeze. Just don’t ever play any game with her ever again because she will shit all over you
  • Genji: 198% chance he knocks you out and 15% chance he kills you: Listen it would be hard enough if he was just Ninja. Have you ever tried punching sheet metal? The good news is he’s a lot more mellow because of Zenyatta. Don’t do it, don’t fight Genji.
  • Hanzo: 90% Chance he kills you. Look this is a man that killed his own brother for almost no reason and is a member of a clan known for crime. Your only hope is to trick him into having an honor crisis. Do not fight Hanzo.
  • Junkrat: 60% chance He knocks you out. 235% chance Roadhog shows up and snaps your neck. Look Junkrat is a twitchy twig, his only saving grace is he literally survives in Mad Max. The second his boyfriend senses something is wrong though your life is forfeit.
  • Lucio: 25% He knocks you out. Look you could probably take him without much of an issue but WHAT is WRONG with you? Why would you EVER fight this ray of pure sunshine? That’s like kicking a puppy. Like you could do it but you deserve everything bad that happens to you.
  • McCree: 40% Chance he knocks you out. Listen he might seem tough but he turned himself into a walking western reference and wears a belt that says BAMF. He’s a giant nerd. Please fight him. Fight him for the belt.
  • Mei: 98% Chance you knock her out. Do NOT fight Mei, DO NOT FIGHT MEI what is WRONG with you?!?!! She is soft and kind and she just wants to help you fucking monster. I will personally hunt you down.
  • Mercy: 100% you knock her out, 200% you feel terrible after and 80% chance Genji kills you. Listen, Mercy is a total pacifist, she wont fight you. However she does have a cyborg ninja that owes her a life debt. Don’t do it.
  • Pharah: 140% chance she kncoks you out, 99% chance she has you thrown in Jail. Have you seen her out of her suit? She’s ripped and she’s army trained. She will put you on your ass before you could even finish your first swing. Don’t fight Pharah
  • Reaper: 50% chance he knocks you out. I will pay you to fight Reaper. Fight him right now. Look I don’t care he needs a punch in the face. For the love of god fight Reaper. Fight him for being an edgy shitlord.
  • Reinhardt: 100% Chance you tire out. Reinhardt is build like a brick shithouse. You aren’t even gonna be able to phase him. Best case scenario he passes out laughing. Don’t fight Reinhardt.
  • Roadhog: 90% Chance he knocks you out. Look he weighs like 400 pounds, huffs gasoline, and still has the highest health pool in the game. He lives in mad max and fights robot death machines practically naked for fun. It’ll go like this: You hit him, he laughs then he puts you the hospital with a single punch. Don’t fight Roadhog.
  • Soldier 76: 100% chance he puts you on your ass then gives you pointers. Listen I know what you’re thinking, He’s old, how tough can he be? He has been fighting like his whole life and probably knows like 50 martial arts. You won’t win but you WILL become a better fighter. Fight Soldier 76.
  • Symmetra: 95% chance she murders you. Look she might be a Scientist and huge nerd but she also works for an evil corporation and has a robot arm that makes turrets. She will fucking end you without a second thought. Your only chance is to knock her out before she summons 965727 robots out of nowhere. Do not fight Symmetrya.
  • Torbjorn: 95% chance he knocks you out. He has a torso of steel and a claw hand, you aren’t winning this one friend. Don’t fight Torbjorn.
  • Tracer: 87% Chance she knocks you out. Look the issue isn’t so much as being able to knock her out as it is being able to hit her in the first place. Even if you do manage to land a hit she might just snap back to before it happened. Your only hope to take her by surprise and knock her out with one blow. Don’t fight Tracer
  • Widowmaker: 300% Chance she murders you. Look fighting Widowmaker would be like trying to fight Black Widow if Black Widow wanted to murder you. If you value your life do not fight Widowmaker.
  • Winston: 100% chance he knocks you out, 5% chance he kills you. Are you fucking serious? Not only is he smarter than you by a lot he’s a fucking gorilla. Like you are lucky if he doesn’t go into a primal rage and beat you death with your own arm. Do NOT fight Winston.
  • Zarya: 933% Chance she breaks you. Have you SEEN Zarya? She’s like a fucking Bull Moose. That 512 on her shoulder is her lifting record in kilograms. Look I don’t know what poor life choices have lead here but DO NOT FIGHT ZARYA.
  • Zenyatta: 100% chance you hurt your hands, 90% chance you end up a better person. Look, dude’s a robot. He’s made of metal and can’t be knocked out. He won’t even fight you, he’ll just preach at you until you go home. But once you think about what he said you will turn your life around buddy. Do it. Fight Zenyatta.