old cowboys

For that "glitch in the matrix" thing going around

Not me, but my mom.

In 1972, she ran away from home. She was gone for several months, and when she got home my grandmother started shaking her and screaming about how someone had told her my mother had no shoes and my grandmother was sure it meant my mom was dead.

She finally calms down, and they piece it together: my grandmother had gotten a phone call from someone who breathed two or three times, said “Cathy’s in bare feet,” and hung up. Except that’s not what they said–my grandmother had written the date in on her calendar, and on that date my mother was in Bare Feet, Arizona. She knew definitively that she was in Bare Feet because on that date she called home to talk to my grandfather, who told her Uncle Jim had died–“got himself shot”–and that she had missed the funeral. Ready for the glitch in the matrix part? Here we go:

–My grandfather had no recollection of the conversation–which would have been a strange conversation indeed, since Uncle Jim was still alive and, in fact, didn’t die until 2009, eight years after my grandfather. However, my mom did miss the funeral, thanks to a delayed flight. Cause of death? Supposedly, it was suicide, but there were enough indications for the family to believe that was a pile of horseshit, not least that shooting himself in the head with the rifle indicated would’ve been near-impossible.

–My mom was going by the name Patricia Danko when she was on the run–she had a fake ID and everything. She hadn’t called herself “Cathy” since leaving home and nobody knew she was traveling under an alias.

–According to my mom, she never gave a name for herself–either Patricia or Cathy–when she was in Bare Feet, and she would’ve had no reason to. Bare Feet had maybe a hundred people in it, and they were just stopping for food and gas.

–This isn’t just an account from my mother–my dad was with her at the time, and he remembers both the phone call and the truckstop.

But that’s not the weirdest nor the creepiest part, which is this:

–I’ve been trying for three years to find Bare Feet, Arizona–on the Internet, on old maps, by talking to old Arizona cowboys, and there was never a Bare Feet, Arizona. My mom convinced my dad to drive “through Bare Feet” on the way back from Texas in 2013 and there was no town anywhere along the highway, not even the abandoned bones of one. I’ve looked for Bare Feet, Barefeet, Bear Feet, Bare Feat, Bare Foot, Barefoot, and Bear Foot. None of these exist.

My mother stopped in a town that doesn’t exist, ate in a restaurant that never was, made a phone call that could not have happened and was apparently answered by a ghost from 40 years in the future, and later that night someone called my grandmother from a number that turned up on her phone bill only as a pay phone in Arizona to say that single sentence, “Cathy’s in Bare Feet.”

Headcanons regarding what goes on in the Morty Daycare

*Every Morty who goes in is given a free Zelda 3DS and a variety of games. A lot of them love Animal Crossing.

*Although Storage Rick runs the place, other Ricks will often volunteer to help take care of the Mortys. Super Fan Rick is the most frequent volunteer, for obvious reasons.

*Sometimes the Mortys use dream devices to enter Asleep Morty’s mind. He has really nice dreams, too. They don’t call him the happiest Morty on Earth for nothing.

*They’ve also tried to enter Sleepy Morty’s mind to help him with his nightmares. It didn’t end well, and none of them slept for weeks afterwards.

*Because the Mortys are all horny as all get out, they will often “experiment” with one another. They think the Ricks don’t know.

*Test X72 Morty is intelligent, but his mouth can’t form words. He communicates primarily through singing. Mermaid Morty acts as a translator for those who can’t understand him.

*Cold Morty was once caught warming his hands over Flaming Morty. Fortunately, Flaming Morty was understanding and allowed Cold Morty to continue doing so.

*Crazy Cat Morty likes to hide under Spooky Morty’s sheet.

*Whenever one of the Mortys has a panic attack, Rabbit Morty will let them pet him to calm down.

*Skeleton Morty can play his ribs like a xylophone.

*Flaming Morty and Frozen Morty are best friends, but they can never touch because doing do will hurt them.

*Mini Morty likes to ride on the brim of Cowboy Morty’s hat.

*Greaser Morty and Hippie Morty use slang from the 50′s and 60′s, respectively. The other Mortys find this annoying.

*Old Morty comes from a universe where he is Beth’s father and Rick’s grandfather.

*Sometimes the Mortys annoy Flaming Morty by roasting marshmallows over him.

*Spoon Morty really likes Yogurt. I mean, REALLY likes yogurt.