old axe

I’m imagining the epilouge but with Neville’s kid instead of Harry’s.
  • Sensibly Named Child: Dad, what if the hat puts me in Slytherin?
  • Neville: Then it means you really are a Slytherin. Do you have any idea how hard I begged to be a Hufflepuff? How hard I argued with the hat against Gryffindor? And you know what, it turns out the hat was right and I pulled the sword out of the hat and killed the snake. It's a magical hat and you're an eleven year old who thinks Axe works to attract girls. You know nothing, listen to the hat.
Writers should strive to describe women like Douglas Adams did

Example (taken from Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency):  

Michael usually referred to his mother as an old battle axe, but if she was fairly to be compared to a battleaxe it would only be to an exquisitely crafted, beautifully balanced battleaxe, with an elegant minimum of fine engraving which stopped just short of its gleaming razored edge. One swipe from such an instrument and you wouldn’t even know you’d been hit until you tried to look at your watch a bit later and discovered that your arm wasn’t on.

NOW THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT

Compare more women to exquisite weaponry! And not to pretty little swords. big, heavy, scary weapons! 

Should I Bang the Daedric Prince?

Originally posted by redmoor

A Guide to Fucking Your Way Around Tamriel and Beyond 

Azura – Okay, let’s get started. All the depictions of Azura are of a big tall powerful and scantily clad woman. She’s also credited with creating the Khajiit, aka, the best people in Tamriel, so points for that, thanks for making me realize how much I love cats, Azzie. But is she fuckable, that’s what we want to know, right? According to the official lore, she’s one of the few to be considered ‘good.’ Which is fine, I’m sure she’d like a good long cuddle afterward, but frankly I’d rather just sit down and have a nice cup of Daedra Wine and cackle with her over gossip. 4/10.

Boethiah – Okay, fuck Boethiah, the first thing they ask of me is to find an innocent person and kill them. I’m gross, not evil. That being said, she loves competition and battle and is depicted carrying a big old ax, which, yes. Go ahead and ax me a question, babe. Go ahead and stroke back my hair, go ahead and stick your tongue directly into my brain. I’ll do whatever you want. Plus, have you seen those thighs? 9/10, would absolutely stick my face in them.

Clavicus Vile – Okay, let’s say you find yourself in Tamriel looking for a good time. There you are, wandering the snowy mountains when a dog with a Jersey accent starts bitching at you. But he leads you to Clavicus Vile. And Vile…has horns. And can shapeshift.

Sorry, I had to take a moment there, I was lost in the idea of fucking a shapeshifting God Demon with horns to hold onto. Vile is gonna be the best time you’ll ever have. He’ll fuck you until you can’t walk anymore. And then the next day, he’ll find something fantastic for you to stick in his butthole. I can’t wait to descend into Tamriel and go on a date with MotherFuckin’ Clavicus Vile. Give me the Clap, Clavvy. 10/10

Hermaeus Mora – If we are judging by appearances alone, sure, I’d go for it. You guys already know how much I like a good tentacle. But old Mora has more than a few drawbacks. For one, his eye looks like a loose and floppy anus. For two, every time he talks, all I can think about is diarrhea. Hermaeus Mora has a Diarrhea Voice and he talks too damn slow and he’s so full of himself. He’s the kind of god who talks up how good he’s gonna fuck you and then when it comes right down to it he comes after two seconds and then fucks off to go watch Daedra TV. He’s the kind of guy who gets jelly in your bed and blames his farts on the dog. 1/10

HircineHunt me daddy. The father of Manbeasts, he’s called. With a name like that, he’s gonna split you in two. He’s gonna chase you down through the woods, but in like, a fun sexy way. Father of Manbeasts is great but I bet he’s also the Master of the Orgy. You want a good time and Vile isn’t around? Call up old Hercine and he’ll hook you up with a delicious night you’ll never forget. Maybe if you ask nicely he’ll wear the loincloth. Did I mention he has antlers? That’s pretty damn close to horns, right? 9/10

Jyggalag – what the fuck kind of name… “He represents logical order and deduction, and is said to 'never have had an original idea in his life.'” So, the picture of this particular prince is pretty hot. Full body armor, shining in the weird sunlight, he’s got a big weapon, lookin’ good. But that description leads me to a different conclusion. See, not that every night in the sack has to be creative and new and exciting, you are never gonna get anything but the old in and out with this motherfucker. He likes order. So nothing new, nothing…fun. No glory holes for Jyggalag. Maybe he just hates hearing his name called out in the throes of passion. I know I would if that were my name. “Oh, Jyggalag, you’re so predictable” doesn’t really roll of the tongue when it comes to pillow talk. 3/10 (points given for appearance.)

Malacath – Mmmmmm Hmmmmm… Malacath. The Granddaddy of the Orcs. Have you seen the statues? Dude is ripped, and wearing drapes of fabric, and showing off his truly excellent thighs! Dude would give you a great fucking time. Dude would see that you’ve never really experienced real passion and he’d show you the meaning of. He’d cook you breakfast the next morning. He’d massage your shoulders, sore from killing the shit out of giants. This guy would draw you a bath and keep it hot while he fucked you. And I bet, I will fucking guarantee, that this guy is kinky as shit. Malacath is a switch. And since he’s a Daedric Prince, you’ve got yourself the Subbiest Sub, the Toppiest Top. Go forth and have an excellent time with Malacath. 9/10

Mehrunes Dagon – Deadly but fucking worth it. Dagon has four arms, my friends. Four. And abs for days. I bet Dagon likes it rough, I bet Dagon has a kink dot com subscription and thinks that’s the epitome of well represented kink. Dagon is a fuckboy. Dagon will give it to you good, for a while. Then it’ll all turn boring because his idea of dirty talk is to just whisper obscure nicknames for your genitals while sticking his fingers in your mouth. 6/10, for the good body.

Mephala – When you meet Mephala, she’s just a voice. Not a bad voice, but not the best I’ve ever heard. But sweet Mephala has a fascination of messing with people for her own amusement. And she likes spiders. Let’s work this out here, on paper. Mephala likes spiders, and messing with people. Most of the Princes appear to be able to shapeshift, so let’s say Mephala can give herself extra limbs. More limbs for hugging. And I bet she can spin spider silk too, and maybe she can sink her teeth into my neck. Also her statue features extra arms and also a really….long tongue. Yes, Maphala. Weave this pussy. 8/10 because I don’t know if she can actually give herself extra legs like I want.

Meridia – This bitch is high maintenance and I love it. She’s gonna be a great domme. Kind and caring and also knows exactly how far to push you. She’s gonna order you on your knees and you’ll love it. But there’s a catch, because there’s always a fucking catch with these guys. After you’re done? She’ll give you a sword and make you walk across the world, telling everyone how great she is in bed. As a prophet of Merida, your dying words will be “best head of my life, totally worth it.” Seeing as how she’s rather conventional looking, (no scales, no horns) I’m lowering her rating to 7/10

Molag Bal – “The Prince of domination and spiritual enslavement” Maker’s Fuck, are all the Daedric princes kinky? I guess the answer is yes. But, my word, have you seen his feet? I’m not even a foot guy, I’m just looking at these Clydesdale like motherfucking hooves and getting a little dizzy. I’d let him step on me. I bet he would step on me too. Reading his description gives me a bit of a tumblr DaddyDom vibe. Molag Bal takes pictures of himself hitting a bed with a belt. Molag Bal’s blog is nothing but slow motion blowjob GIFs of pretty girls and giant dicks. You can look, but maybe it’s best if you fuck the hairy Nord at the end of the bar instead. At least they’ll wrap you in furs afterwards. 3/10

Namira – No. Slugs? No. I have my fucking limits and slugs and filth are pretty high up there. Namira is into scat. Pass. 0/10

Nocturnal – This goes against my usual grain, but have you guys even seen Nocturnal? She is a babe. She’s a total babe. She likes the lights off which is right up my alley. Let’s do it in the dark, Nocturnal. Let’s have clandestine meetings. I’ll wear that thing you like. You can whisper naughty things into my ear and we’ll read poetry to each other and eat fruit and just be so gay forever. 9/10 (No carapace, dammit)

Peryite – This guy is like, STDs 4 Less, an all you can eat buffet of every sickness known to Tamriel. His followers vomit on you. This guy has a puking kink and I want nothing to do with that. Plus you have to wander all over the place to find a pretty jewel to turn into incense just to talk? High maintenance and disease riddled, an emetophiliac, no thank you, good sir. I shall get my jollies elsewhere, preferably with someone who won’t cover me in sick. 1/10

Sanguine – This guy is just asking for a high rating. Sanguine wants to be the party guy. He wants to get wasted and go club hopping, he wants to show up early and leave late. He’s got that want, that need and so you’re gonna have a good time. Plus his natural form is a Dremora, easily the most fuckable creature in Tamriel. Got that thick, ebony armor, got those horns and ridges, got that grinding watery voice. And his staff has a rose on it, which is pretty. He likes pretty things. He likes giving and giving. He’s fuckable, but you could honestly make a life out of it. Just you and Sanguine, lounging at a party, feeding each other Daedra grapes and Daedra cheese and laughing and uncaring about anything around you. Fuck Sanguine, but marry him after. 10/10

Sheogorath – For people with a clown fetish. 1/10 for this author, 10/10 if you have a thing for giggling jerks in jester hats, in which case, why not go for Cicero? At least he’ll take you to meet his mother.  

Vaermina – There’s a saying in Ancient Tamriel: “Vaermina’s a little bitch.” She lives in a swamp, gives people nightmares, dresses in rags. She’s basically Shrek, and nobody wants to fuck Shrek. (Please do not send me messages telling me otherwise) The best she can offer is a temporary evil clone of  a random person. Why? What good does that do? Vaermina is the kind of person who criticizes her lovers harshly in bed, yelling that they’re not doing a good enough job, but not in a kinky way, more in that overbearing manager way who doesn’t like how you wash your coffee cup. Do not bang Vaermina, no mortal self esteem can take it. 0/10

@Saito_Shuka:
This is late, but…!
I had the best day ever!!
As I said before, I’m going to write a blog post when I get back to Japan.

Thank you very much to everyone who came!! Thanks for a wonderful time ⛵✩✩

TIPS TO FEEL MORE MASCULINE

Whether it’s a bad dysphoria day or you just wanna dude out here are some little things you can do to feel more masculine.

• Grow your leg hair out | Grow out your armpit hair

• Use Men’s body wash, deodorant and/or shampoo (Dove Men, Axe, Old Spice)

• Fill in your eyebrows with a little mascara to make them darker and thicker.

• Wear a beanie or hat and tuck your hair into it

• Buy some mens clothes ( A shirt, button up, flannel, some baggy dude jeans)

• Wear Boxers or Briefs

• Picture yourself as who you truly are

• Talk to other trans men

• Do a quick workout 

• Use a men’s razor

• If you haven’t already, ask your friends to use your preferred pronoun

• Buy a new hoodie 

• Practice voice training techniques and speaking in a lower voice

• Cut your hair

- Kyle

i want fahc fic where ryan is weirdly knowledgable about the most absurd weapons 

the crew steals ancient weapons from a museum and are screwing around with them afterwards and ryan’s just like “i can show you how to use that the right why if you want” 

and it’s like these old spears and shit?? and everyone’s just like whatever it’s a spear, you just throw it

but ryan is so damn good? and accurate? like what the fuck? 

and then they have these old viking battle axes and shit and ryan’s teaching everyone how to throw them?? and it’s actually really fuckign hard what the hell, why does it look so easy when ryan does it??

idk i just really love how much real ryan knows about all the different ahwu weapons and i need it put into fahc context asap