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Dr. William Sack on Kip Kinkel
In his psychological evaluation of 15 year old mass shooter Kip Kinkel, Dr. William Sack cited paranoid schizophrenia as a psychological disorder that Kinkel suffered from, as well as a contributive factor to his crimes. He noted that Kinkel also experienced prominent symptoms of depression that often worsened his schizophrenic psychosis as they arose.
Kinkel had evidently been hearing voices consistently since he was twelve years old. He told Dr. Sack that there were 3 different male voices that he heard regularly. One that would insult and berate him, another that encouraged him to kill, and a third that would repeat or respond to the other two voices. Along with his hallucinations, Kip Kinkel also developed delusions that were paranoid in nature. Dr. Sack recorded a total of five main delusions that he observed in Kinkel, all of which made him paranoid. The most noteable delusion was his belief that there was a chip implanted in his brain. This delusion derived from an attempted rationalization of the voices that he’d been hearing since age 12.
Dr. Sack concluded that Kip Kinkel’s schizophrenic tendencies directly influenced his crimes. He felt that the buildup of stress and the development of the psychosis had overwhelmed Kinkel’s self control.
After being convicted of the murder of his parents and those killed in the mass shooting, along with attempted murder of those injured, Kinkel was sentenced to 111 years without parole. He was put on atypical antipsychotics and antidepressants including Olanzapine. Dr. Sack reported a positive response to the medication on his visit ten days into treatment, as Kinkel told him the voices became much less aggressive and persistent.

A 500 word letter to a dead fictional character

I am not a writer, never was and I don’t think I’ll ever be. But I needed to write this. and since there’s no address to send it to. I guess here is the right place to do it.
Dear Quinn,

My both hands are shaking so hard right now, it’s the side effect of Olanzapine, but I’m writing anyway. I know it seems silly, writing to you, but I read that it might help, so I am doing it. Maybe it will help me gain my sanity back without the need of the pills and sleep for twelve hours a day.

The thing is Quinn, I never expected your death. You call me fool you call my blind and I should’ve seen it coming. I don’t care. It’s not in my capacity to expect death two years in a row. I am not sure who is to blame here. Should I blame myself for having those expectations? that you’ll live, you’ll find peace and love and you’ll heal. I mean those ain’t high ones, are they? Not suffering after all those wasted years in vain is not much to ask for. Or, should I blame you? for sacrificing yourself one time after another. For owning your mistakes and willing to pay for them whatever the cost was. Should I blame those who wrote you into a story with a full season as a false glimmer, with a tunnel with no light at the end? A story that is only an infinite loop of darkness, hopelessness, and despair?

My wise friend tells me it’s TV you idiot. you’re not supposed to be blaming anyone or anything so stop crying now. But the TV sent me into an episode of depression, a rabbit hole full of answerless questions. So, shouldn’t I get some closure? I’m sorry this is turning into me demanding answers. It was not my intention.

I try to figure out why? Maybe it’s because I love my chocolate dark and salted and I drink my Turkish coffee with as much coffee as sugar in it. So, maybe it’s your bittersweet personality that made me feel that much connected to you. Though, my outside armor is not as strong as yours and my inside is not as pure and sensitive as yours too.

Letting go is not my strongest ability neither is giving up. Especially because I don’t get attached so easily. It takes effort and it takes pieces of my soul. And, although I’ve learned time and again that “forever” is a heterological and misleading word, I find myself still using it one way or another. I didn’t want to give up on you. Didn’t want you to give up on yourself either. But they decided to do so for whatever reason that I’ll never accept.

I am not sure what happens next. Although you could tell by the looks of me that I am. But, the truth is I am not. So, I hope wherever your soul is or isn’t now, you’ll find that peace. that the useless war will be over. And, you’ll get that nice cabin in the forest by the lake and you’ll get as much love as you give and more.

Goodbye Quinn

Side effects of atypical antipsychotics mnemonic

In this post, I’ll be talking about some side effects of antipsychotics and a few mnemonics that help me remember the same!

Risperidone won’t let you rest.
Risperidone is associated with increased motor activity.

Clozapine closes your cell production. Clozapine causes agranulocytosis.

Olanzapine makes you fat like an O.
Olanzapine causes weight gain

Clozapine, Olanzapine and Quetiapine (C O and Q are the fat alphabets!) cause hyperglycaemia, weight gain and hypertriglyceridemia.

Ziprasidone makes a cutie zzz (sleep).
Ziprasidone causes QT interval prolongation. Sleep also reminds me of orthostatic hypotension.

Aripiprazole makes you anxious.
Aripiprazole causes anxiety and insomnia due to partial agonist properties.

That’s all!

Quick update

I don’t think I’m making mental progress, but physically I’ve reached a weight for height percentage where I’m allowed a 10 minutes escorted walk a day and once a week community access. I’m also allowed to pick my main meals from a special ED pathway menu. My olanzapine increase is starting to kick in and I’m experiencing less mood swings, although when I’m down I’m really bloody down. I’m not dealing with the weight gain and I don’t know if I’ll be able to sustain it when i get out, but I am trying to look at the positives:

-I’m eating my veggies (and some cake)

-I’ve made some amazing friends

-I am starting to get more freedom on the ward

Tomorrow my parents have a 2 hour appointment with the family therapist and they are staying for a supported snack. Hopefully that means that next weeken I’ll be allowed out for lunch out of hospital

Diet - Obsession and Sensory Craving

I’m trying to lose weight I gained during hormonal treatments. It was roughly a stone I gained this time (14lbs) as opposed to when I went on Olanzapine (an anti-psychotic), which caused me to gain about five stone. I’ve got a delicate frame. I look weird when I become overweight. Or perhaps it’s because, with even a slight amount of gain, I resemble a highly abusive member of my family. Either way, I’m currently attempting to diet.

In the past, it would have been impossible for me to eat healthily. This is due to the strong taste and texture aversions I had. In the past several years, I’ve slowly adventured into a variety of different ways in which to prepare fruits, vegetables, and other “healthier food choices”. It’s still not perfect, but it’s much better than before. So, along with what seems to be a natural inclination to a “slimmer frame”, I’ve some advantages to embarking on a balanced diet regime than folks who struggle with a higher level of sensitivity or with genetic factors. 

Still, the diet sucks. Now, clearly, dieting isn’t exactly simple for non-autistic people. Please understand I’m not saying that. What I am saying is I feel like my symptoms are creating further difficulties for me, and I want to vent about it. I’d also appreciate hearing from other people about their experiences. 

My issues are as follows:

  • diet has become an extremely irritating “special interest”, or rather, obsession - 80% of my day is spent ruminating over food, calories, carbohydrates, meal planning, etc.;

  • when I get hungry, I get hangry - if I tip over from peckish to actually feeling hungry, I can go into full meltdown and, due to alexithymia, I can’t always tell when that’s about to happen (which messes with my fasting days*);

  • emotional eating definitely involves sensory stimulation - if I become overloaded or have had a meltdown, I crave the comfort of chewing and tasting;

  • my dyscalculia means that I count up kcals wrong, even when using MyFitnessApp - I end up not leaving myself room for lunch or a snack;

  • I have a hard time working out what is appropriate to talk to my friends about - I know a few struggle with weight issues, and I don’t want to upset anybody on Facebook, yet I do need to talk about it.

I forgot the bulk of my point. This looks pathetic to me. But it’s on my mind so much of the day that I feel like I’m going insane. Or that maybe I’m going to wind up slipping into an eating disorder mindset. People with EDs are not “bad” or “immoral” individuals, that’s not what concerns me. I have read enough of their own experiences to know it can be very scary, lonely, depressing, etc. I’d feel guilty because I’d think that my own issues were an affront to anybody else’s. 

I’m a bit worried about posting this. It’s not like I have as much weight to lose as I did before. 14lbs is probably nothing to most people. I’m confused and I’m sad and I’m hungry all the time, even though I’m generally eating enough calories each day for my lifestyle/height/age.

If you want to share your experience, whatever it is, send me an Ask or Submission.

* the 5:2 Fast Diet

anonymous asked:

hey:) i stumbled across some scary videos a few weeks ago and since then i've been so paranoid every night.. i'm talking hearing/seeing things, intrusive thoughts, dissociating, tiring myself out/staying up late in order to avoid being awake in the dark, avoiding my bedroom at all costs (even sleeping in other rooms). at some point i didn't even listen to music in fear of subliminal messages or unintentional blasphemy. it's been really messing up my sleep schedule and mental health. any tips?

Hey there.  Paranoia can be a very hard thing to cope with, I struggle with it myself and the way I manage it now is through medication (as-needed anti-psychotic medications like loxapine or olanzapine are what have worked best for me).  But if paranoia is something you only occasionally experience, or has specific and avoidable triggers, medication may not be the route that would work best for you.  I’m not a doctor, so I can’t say either way.

You mentioned that you’re having difficulty sleeping because of your fear, and you’re probably already somewhat aware of this but paranoia gets worse when you don’t get enough sleep.  If you’re afraid of being awake in the dark, or don’t feel safe going to sleep in the dark, set up a night-light of some sort.  An electric candle(s), Christmas lights, a low-watt night lamp–those are all things I have in my room that create a soft and comforting light and eliminates a lot of the shadows that intensify my paranoia.  Since you say your bedroom particularly is scaring you, brainstorm ways to make your bedroom a safe environment for you.

Getting a good amount of restful sleep is a big priority, so do what you need to do to keep a regular sleep schedule that lets you feel well-rested in the morning.  Having a bath at night, or drinking certain teas or warm milk are all good ways to help you feel tired and get to sleep.  If you’re feeling restless during the day, getting some exercise will help tire you out (but don’t go overboard and over-exert yourself!).  I really can’t stress the “Find a way to get enough restful sleep” thing enough.  It’s so important to give you the mental and emotional reserves required to deal with paranoia.

In BPD, paranoia is commonly triggered by stress.  Or, too much stress can make us susceptible to paranoia. Finding ways to de-stress that work for you will really help minimize your paranoid thoughts.  Do things for yourself that you enjoy.  Try Self-Soothing (here’s a list of ideas if you’re having a hard time thinking of anything), or try any of the components of the IMPROVE the Moment Skill. 

If music or other forms of media are upsetting you because your paranoia is telling you there’s subliminal messaging going on, then instead focus on envisioning a safe and happy place inside your mind, a place where no one or anything but yourself can access–a place where you’re safe and comfortable.  Imagery like this has been a big help to me when I’ve been sucked into a paranoid episode.  If you’re having trouble imagining something for yourself, you can always ask a friend to help you envision a calming and safe space if there’s a friend or other loved one who you know you can still trust even in the midst of your paranoia.

Another good DBT skill to use, when you find yourself believing paranoid thoughts, is the Check the Facts Skill.  This is usually used to determine whether an emotion fits the facts (and the emotion in your case would be “fear”), but you can also tweak the skill to use it to see if you have any proof that your beliefs or thoughts “fit the facts” as well.  There are two different methods you can use to practice this skill, here is Method 1, and here is Method 2.

The other thing you can do to cope with paranoia, which is something I’ve been doing a lot myself, is to practice Mindfulness.  If you’re afraid of your bedroom, you can go into your bedroom during the time of day when you feel safest, and practice Observing and Describing what you are experiencing with your senses.  This is a way for you to stick to the facts of what is actually going on around you, rather than what you fear is going on around you. 

You can practice grounding exercises in conjunction with practicing Mindfulness.  For me, at least, this helps me become grounded in the present moment because I’m working with the facts of what I’m experiencing, rather than believing that my fears are real.  When you find yourself thinking a fearful or suspicious thought, you can Observe that thought and say to yourself “I observe that I have had the thought that X”.  This helps you to label thoughts as just thoughts, beliefs as just beliefs, feelings as just feelings, rather than facts. 

I hope at least a few of these ideas will help you get through this tough time.  And most importantly, don’t watch any more videos that are going to feed your paranoia at this time.  Be aware of your triggers and if you have to expose yourself to them, make sure you’re doing so in a safe environment where you have control over the situation.  Blacklist as many things on your dash as you need to in order to make this a safe place for you.   Or if the internet is to triggering as a whole, stay off it completely and focus on physical things you can do in the real world.  Engaging in a hobby or learning something new can be a great way to distract yourself from paranoid thoughts.

Further Reading: Different levels of paranoid thoughts, Information about what “transient stress-induced paranoia” means, the STOP Skill, the TIP Skill, Willingness, Half-Smiling, and Willing Hands, Radical Acceptance/Reality Acknowledgement 



I’ve been mentally ill for 7 or so years now, but it took until I was 18 for my doctors to feel comfortable medicating me. Since then I’ve been on a raft of SSRIs (which make me manic) and atypical anti-psychotics (which make me depressed). None of my doctors were able to find the right combination of medication and it was affecting my ability to function and continue with my life, so I came off all regular medication and started only using a low dose of PRN Olanzapine. 

It took me a few months, but I was finally using it less and less and coping much better with my psychosis and mood swings. What I wasn’t coping with was anxiety, and Olanzapine wasn’t dealing with that as well as I needed it to. 

So about a month ago now my psychiatrist and I sat down and we chose an anti-anxiety medication that I could take as PRN on a long term basis. We finally settled on Buspirone, and things have been pretty great since!

I haven’t had to use it in 2 weeks, but I know it’s there if I need it and I know it will help. 

I’m, well, sort of, #MedicatedAndMighty :) 

I would actually say that you are very much medicated and mighty! Often, finding the right medication can be a struggle, but when you finally find the right one, it can help so much! It is definitely worth it.

All the best,