had a pretty crazy reaction to the medication i took last night. woke up this morning feeling alright, but once i stood up and went to the kitchen, things quickly fell apart. i started getting really dizzy and lightheaded. so i went back to my room, collapsing on the chair. i got cold, tingling sensations from my chest up. it was very hard to breathe. it came in short, labored breaths. i couldn’t lift any of my limbs. i couldn’t even open my eyes. i had severe nausea. an instant and very painful headache appeared.
it lasted for a good ten minutes before i was able to see again. my vision had gone black. i managed to make it back in bed with my bf helping me. i haven’t left since. my psychiatrist warned me a little about possible dizziness, but this was intense.
it was a similar feeling of when i mix tramadol with olanzapine, or other meds. except this was worse.
urgh. and the fibro pain is acting up, like usual. my left arm really hurts, and so does my back. and my legs. i really want to go water my plants, but i can’t even get up.
and tomorrow i have a dentist appointment. guh, i hope i can make it.
had an alright day, considering the rough morning. body pain, headache and lightheadedness ever present, but i managed to crochet a few rows before hand pain and headache stopped me. that and the cat really likes to lay either on the blanket or on the yarn, so continuing with that minor nuisance significantly makes my drive fall. i also grabbed something with glass shards on it, which is have stuck all in my fingers and hands now. i’m not sure what it was, but it’s not pleasant.
scored a 26% in moodscope. better than last nights’ 15%. i don’t feel so utterly hopeless and without aim. i mean, i do, but it’s less severe. i can kinda push that back enough to pick something up that i enjoy to pull myself out of bad thoughts. i just hope it sticks. some depression is bearable but not being able to do anything at all is just torture. i just want to sleep all the time no matter what. my normal idea of depression is just…its feeling a crippling and overwhelming fear and sadness but if i have things that i enjoy i can do, i can push it back. and thats only if i’m not working in a hellhole like all my previous jobs have been. they always make me feel like i’m worthless and pointless. i feel like i constantly need to be in contact with my bf, and be surrounded by my animals and the soft things around my room. otherwise i just can’t. i can’t do it at all. i fail at being a functioning adult. i wish i didn’t…
none of my bosses were ever satisfied with my work, no matter how hard i tried and how much i gave them. i was always doing something wrong, never working hard enough. and it’s not like i wasn’t trying. everything i do, i always give my 100% or more. but being a disabled person working…it wasn’t enough. it wasn’t like how others did it i guess. i guess i didn’t smile enough under devastating depression or mop well enough under crippling back and body pain. i used to go home every night weeping from back pain and a hollow sadness. every minute of the work day, i wanted to take a knife to my wrists and neck. there was no logic or anything behind it. i just wanted to. hallucinations were a constant and considered normal. i was in a constant state of dissociation. i didn’t know i had fibro, but i realized not too long ago that that’s why i was always saying i felt sick. my boss always complained that i always said that. but that’s exactly what fibro feels like; like having the flu all the time. people don’t come to work with the flu; it’s normal for people to stay home if they have a bug. (though not because they feel bad, it’s because they’re contagious. the cruelty of the workplace has no limits) but for me, i couldn’t take off ever, even if i felt like i just got hit by a truck. which made things even worse. i had to quit because the pain got to be too much. i had blackout level pain, and yet they didn’t even care. they let me drive home in a state of delirium. they made me sign something that excused them from any blame, all while i couldn’t even SEE what they were forcing me to sign. i’m surprised i made it home at all. i don’t know how i did it. that was when i knew i just couldn’t do it anymore. i had to quit. i quit by text soon after, simply because i couldn’t even endure talking. the anxiety over the bosses’ disappointment/anger/frustration was too much for me. so i did the best i could, even if that didn’t match their standards. which seems to be the story of my life.
doing my best, always failing at what should be accomplished.
i’m still trying to come to terms with being labeled disabled. it just feels so alien. it’s not how i imagined my life going. it’s not what i wanted out of everything. it’s not fair. but like i’ve learned from a very young age, people always royally FUCK everything up for people that are nice or gentle or decent. i was made this way by my parents. ignored by a society that doesn’t care to look at us.
oh i’ll stop. i don’t want to dwell on this tonight. i’ll go lose myself in a game. i need to at least feel good enough to do the things i enjoy. at the very fucking least. the world can’t be so drained of life that all i want to do is sleep. i just can’t.