How to be a nice guy, not a "nice guy"
Growing up shy with only brothers, I was never confident approaching women I was interested in, and I think I was in my mid-twenties before I was finally the one to make the first move. The upshot of this is it gave me the chance to form some fantastic friendships with women in school, and college.
I saw first hand the kinds of horrible attitudes men held towards my friends, and since becoming addicted to the many many online dating blogs on Tumblr I’ve seen this to the Nth degree. As someone who found it hard simply saying ‘hi’ to a woman I liked, this behaviour baffled me. If someone else had that confidence to walk up to (or now message) a woman, and start a conversation with her, why would he go out of his way to fuck it up?
1) Fedoras/Trillbys: First of all Trillbys ARE NOT fedoras. Second, this is what PUAs call “peacocking”, making yourself flashy somehow to stand out from the crowd.
A- This doesn’t work if you’re all fucking doing it, at least try and be original.
B- If your personality doesn’t stand out, then go work on that instead.
2) Negging: Another PUA tactic, though I suspect it’s as old as dating itself. This involves giving backhanded compliments, or small insults followed by compliments. The aim is supposedly to make the woman either extra grateful for the compliment after the insult, or desperate to prove you wrong.
A- What the actual living fuck? On a basic level it’s nonsensical. “There’s a woman I like…I know! I’ll insult her.” If that seems like a good thought process to you, then you’re a fucking idiot.
B- Tricking someone into talking to you/being interested in you is pathetic because again you’re just proving that you have a shitty personality that can’t stand it’s ground.
C- This kind of behaviour is a trait of psychologically and abusive relationships. To the defence “I’m a nice guy, I just wanted her to talk to me.”, women talk to people every single fucking day without the need for them to insult them first.
3) Rejection: Here’s a scenario.
Bro 1 - “Hey dude, you wanna go to the game today?”
Bro 2 - “Thanks for asking, but sorry dude, not interested in Basketball.
Bro 1 - "You fucking piece of shit! How dare you reject me?! I hope you get raped! I never even wanted to go to the game with you anyway! You’re fat lol.”
Manbabies can try and mansplain this away all they want, and they do; “If you’d just given me a chance I wouldn’t have acted that way, I’m actually a really nice guy.” “Sorry, I was drunk when I sent that.” “Sorry, my friend got my phone, lol.” However, if you’ve never or would never react this way to a man rejecting your request for something, drunk or not, then you are behaving this way simply because a WOMAN did it. Right there is your problem.
Bro - “Hey, do you wanna get dinner or drinks sometime?”
Mysterious Alien Creature (aka; woman) - “Hey thanks, but I’m not really interested.”
Bro - “Np, have a good one.”
A - You haven’t burned any bridges. Is she just out of a relationship? Is she dealing with stuff in her personal life? If that’s the case, when she’s not, you’re still a contender, instead of a piece of garbage.
B - You treated someone like a human fucking being.
4) The FRIENDZONE: All in Caps because that’s how some guys seem to view it. I guarantee you this phrase was coined by a guy who is the most horrible piece of shit on the planet. As I mentioned earlier, I had a much easier time making woman friends than meeting girlfriends. There was one who I had a huge crush on and nothing ever happened, and I know for a fact there was one who liked me and nothing ever happened. And guess what? We stayed friends.
A - If you enter a friendship with the sole aim on getting something out of it for you, then you’re a terrible friend.
B - If a male friend chose to go to a basketball game with someone who likes basketball instead of you, would you complain about the friendzone?
C - If a woman was your friend for years, and then you found out it was only because she wanted your kidney, how’d you feel? Betrayed, hurt, knowing that person never liked you as a friend?
Let’s rename the friendzone the neverwasafriendtobeginwithzone.
5) Girls only date Assholes: What? What?! What the fuckitty fuck fuck? I’ve dated horrible people, my friends have all dated horrible people. Women do not have a monopoly on bad choices.
A - EVERYBODY dates assholes at some point. If a friend is, try to help them see that instead of assuming they like it.
B - As a general rule, assholes date assholes. If you’re not an asshole, if you’re a self-proclaimed nice guy, then why would you wanna be with a woman who’s an asshole? Oh right, because you only care about her body.
C - I have friends whose boyfriends/husbands are nicer than I am and it pisses me off.
6) “Compliments”: I hope you noticed the inverted commas there. From catcalling, to pet names, to street & online harassment, again this is something that I can’t wrap my head around. You see a woman you like, you have two options.
i - Find a reason to initiate contact. Online, look in the profile for common interests. IRL, whatever she’s doing at that moment.
ii - Shout a generic compliment a 5year old could come up with.
Which one seems more likely to you? I once started a two-year relationship initially based on a mutual love of nothing more than a brand of chips.
A - Unsolicited compliments are…wait for it…UNSOLICITED. If no one asked you for it, don’t give it.
B - “Learn to take a compliment.” Next guy I hear say this in a bar I’m gonna send every male friend over one after the other to 'compliment’ him.
C - If you catcall, I’m gonna get six huge construction workers to come to your neighbourhood and shout 'compliments’ at you every time you walk down the street and see how you like it.
In conclusion…because this has gone on Waaaaay longer than I’d originally intended, let me leave you with a couple of rules of thumb.
1 - As difficult as it may be for some men to realise, women are not a part of some alien species. You don’t need to trick them, you don’t need to manipulate them. Respect breeds respect, talk to women as human fucking beings.
2 - There are over 6billion people on the planet. Attraction is a complicated phenomenon that the physical and social sciences are NOWHERE near explaining. Not every one of the 3 ½ or so billion women on the planet are going to be attracted to you. Accept it and move on.
3 - Nice guys don’t finish last, only “Nice guys” do.
This has been a public service announcement. Out.