House Of Cards Pt.8
Warnings : Triggers of self harm. If you’re easily affected, please don’t read beyond the line.
watched Jin’s sleeping form uncomfortably sitting on a chair next
to your bed. He held your hand tightly even in his sleep and you
wondered how long he had been there. The curtains were drawn but you
could tell that it was nighttime from the little to no light coming
The silence and darkness around you gave you time to think and clear your head over everything that happened. Although it scared you to have them replay so vividly in your head, you still recalled even the slightest details. The smell of cigarette smoke blending with the stench of liquor and a slight hint of blood, the random and meaningless designs on Yoongi’s shirt, and the feeling of glass against your skin. It felt like you were reliving everything from that first night and you hated it.
“ Jin … ” You whispered when he squirmed uncomfortably, almost falling off the chair, and he immediately looked up. His eyes were half closed, features looking tired, making you feel sorry for troubling him.
“ You’re awake ” Jin smiled trying to save his hair from the mess it became before sighing in relief, “ You’re awake ” He repeated rubbing his face.
“ Been awhile actually ” You sat up, your hands still sealed between his, while trying to stop any pain reflex you knew you would have. You knew it was pointless at this point but that just how you were. Pretending to be okay was just second nature.
“ Why didn’t you wake me up ?’’
“ I would say you looked too cute but that would be too cliché for my situation “ You chuckled hoping to lighten the heaviness you felt inside of you that you knew he had too. Yet, instead of breaking the stern expression he sported, Jin seemed to be glaring at you. Maybe making jokes in this kind of time was not the best way to go about it.
“ How do you feel ? I did my best but I know it will still hurt like hell and you refused to go to the hospital no matter how hard I pushed. Why are you so stubborn ? Don’t answer that instead tell me, do you want to eat ? Should I make you something ?” Before you could shake your head, a smile slowly curling on your lips and tears welling up in your eyes from his fluster, He continued “ No, even if you’re not hungry, you need to eat so don’t answer that either ”.
“ Jin, I’m okay. You don’t have to worry anymore “
“ Don’t you even dare act strong in front of me. Not when I saw you bleeding out on my couch. Not when …’’ Jin trailed off as he saw the first tear falling down your cheek. He internally screamed at himself for being too blunt about it, then taking a mental note to watch the words out of his mouth knowing well how much they can hurt. “ Just … If it hurts, say it does. If you don’t like something, say you don’t. To me and to Namjoon.”
“ Namjoon … Where is he ?” You asked and Jin almost rolled his eyes at your weak attempt to change the subject.
“ They’re still trying to fix everything at Hye jung’s. The place was badly trashed ”
“ Right …” You looked down your free hand, delicately bandaged like the rest of your body ” Tell her I’m sorry for that. I’ll pay-”
“ Don’t complete that sentence or I swear to god I’m taking away all treats” It was always amusing when Jin punished you and the boys by taking away sweets and junk food, like you were little children, but right now you just felt grateful “ Stay right here, I’ll come get you once the food is ready ”
“ Not like I can go anywhere ” You looked back at him and this time he was smiling. You blinked out the dampness and nodded while he stood up, letting go of your hand. It instantly felt cold without his touch.
“ Very funny ” Jin spoke in a sarcastic tone opening the door but stopped when you called him back. He turned to face you with an arched eyebrow and you felt embarrassed.
“ Can you … turn the lights on ?”
“ Yeah, yeah, of course. I forgot about that ”
Namjoon came back in the middle of your late night meal with Jin. The eldest had helped you out of bed and into the kitchen by letting you lean against him. You were gathering more and more debts from him. Them.
“ You’re finally up’’ Namjoon flashed you a dimply smile. He wanted to rush and hug you tightly, thank you for staying alive, thank you for not being badly hurt but he knew that would probably not be the right move and just, quietly, sat next to you accepting a bowl of rice from Jin. This was nice as well, having a meal together. He was happy to have another one with you.
Sounds of metallic spoons scraping the plates filled the place while you thought and thought about a way to say thank you. Just plainly saying the words seemed too ungrateful while not saying them seemed even more so. However, you had to start somewhere.
“ Thank you ” You and Namjoon said at the same time. You both looked at each other with wide eyes while Jin just laughed. He as going through the same inner conflict on whether to say the words or not.
“ What are you thanking me for ?’’ You asked after a long, awkward, silence.
“ You first ” Namjoon choked out childishly and you just smiled down at your soup.
“ I think it’s more than clear. Saving my life, helping me, and … Yeah, a lot of things I’m grateful for ” You nodded and Jin’s smile faded away. This seemed too familiar.
Namjoon still remembers your note. Those words that ringed in his head like piercing thorns. You shouldn’t feel like that. No one should’ve put you in a position where you needed to say those words. You were too precious to him. Every single one of his friends were his responsibility. An untouchable being. He unintentionally clenched his fist, the anger slowly flowing back through his veins.
“ What about you ?” Your soft tone brought him back and he slowly loosened his grip on the spoon. He glanced at you and arched his eyebrow, shaking his head slightly. “ Why did you thank me for ?”
“ Being alive ” Namjoon whispered. You froze, your heart fluttering a little, and you soon found yourself crying again. Trying to muffle it by stuffing yourself.
“ Slow down ” Jin handed you a glass of water “ I don’t like it when people cry while eating. You should be happiest when doing so. Food is like the-”
“ Oh god, hyung, please don’t start ”
“ Ya, you brat. Be grateful I cook for you and for free. You know that I’m a licensed chef but here I am feeding your ungrateful ass ” Jin used the spatula he brought with him to hit Namjoon’s head which took the attention off of you. You watched them argue over who does most around the house, which Namjoon ended up losing, for another fifteen minute. Jin still kept glancing at you worriedly throughout the whole time you sat there.
“ When you feel better, let’s go file a police report. Hye jung is going to file one as well. Let’s make sure he gets what he deserves. Or else I’m doing it with my own hands ” Namjoon said at the end of the meal. He avoided your eyes to stop you from voicing a protest knowing well that since you refused the hospital you would refuse the police as well.
“ Namjoon-ah …”
“ Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it. I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want but I do want him punished or else I feel like my head is going to explode ” His response caught you by surprise. You knew that, to some extent, they all cared for you and considered you part of their little family. However, you didn’t realize it was to that extent until now. You, for the first time ever, felt completely safe and protected.
“ Namjoon, she might be uncomfortable with it. Let’s wait a little until she’s all healed up, then we can discuss this again ” Jin spoke up in your stead telling the rest of what he had to say with his concerned stare.
“ No, I can do it. I guess I shouldn’t act like nothing happened anymore.’’
“ Absolutely not ”
a hidden secret. A hidden sadness that finds them every time the
darkness takes over. A broken love. A lost friend. Regretful
scars. Each of them had something that would wake them up in the
middle of a stormy night and torment them through it. Some thought
to have forgotten
theirs but, once in a while, it
them again and fill them with fear. Fear of repitition.
It was one of those days.
Jin sat wide awake on his bed. Sheets dampened with sweat from his nightmare. He tried his best to muffle his cries but nothing could subdue the urge to scream. He didn’t think he would feel like this, especially since you were doing just fine. The tough mask you were felt was too familiar to him but just like last time he didn’t know how to break it down.
Namjoon sat on the cold ground outside his room. Eyes closed and head leaning back against the door. He could hear every single distinct sob and felt his heart being torn apart. He, for one, knew it would be like this. The night before was too quiet because Jin had to take care of you but this time he was left alone. Namjoon gripped his head tightly cursing himself in the dark for being such a useless friend.
Jimin held Hye jung a little closer to him. An attempt to shield her from the world. He spent the night thinking about his friends. His life. How far they’ve come and where they were. He thought how lucky he was and how sad it had been. He thought about what he lost and found through what happened. Jimin felt disgusted by himself when wishing that the past wouldn’t change.
Hoseok, as well, wrapped protective arms around Taehyung. He whispered words of comfort trying to dry every tear with his lips. He kissed the top of his head knowing there was nothing he could do but that. There had been a few nights like this before. Less often in the last few years but Taehyung would always relapse when seeing a drama about it. Hearing news of it. However, it had never been this severe even since then until now that he witnessed it again through someone that close. If he could hug the younger anymore he would but Hoseok was too scared to break him.
They silently shared the pain at the same time. Just different places and different amounts. What happened to you was the catalyst that opened the way for all those memories to flow back into their lives.
You hugged your knees to your chest sitting to the ground. It was the only place that felt cold enough for your burning skin. It felt like the blood was stinging its way through your veins. Like something was clawing at your arms urging to come out. No matter how hard you clawed at them, leaving red lines behind, the urge wouldn’t subdue. In the back of your head, you knew what this was. In the back of your head, you wanted to keep it as a mere thought.
You closed your eyes, making yourself look even smaller for the monsters that haunted you. You didn’t want to fall back into that endless labyrinth that terrified you but the burning wouldn’t calm down. No You kept repeating to the little voice in your head. No You shouted again in your mind. Just once.
You slowly stood up, Namjoon’s oversized shirt falling to your knees again. Your own clothes felt too tight. Too hot for you to wear. So you just took one of his from the closet, since he gave u his room for you, and corn it over your underwear. Making your way to the bathroom, you turned off the bedroom’s light and closed the door behind you.
It was easy for you to find a tool. Having been through this a million times. You sat inside the empty bathtub, your bandages abandoned on the floor, with your bruised up arms in full display. It looked too disgusting for you to even look at and, somehow, inside your twisted brain it made perfect sense for you to try and cover them up with more.
The blade hurt even more against the already abused skin but you finally felt that release. As the blood traced down your arm, the red covering up all the purple and green spots, you felt the heat in your body cool down. You felt you head light up and your body felt like it was floating. You were reminded why it felt so good before. The little time you were given when you mind was empty from anything else but the scent of blood, when you couldn’t think of anything but the physical pain that enveloped you in comfort. You curled your arms around your legs bringing them closer to your chest and closing your eyes.
However, that small moment of relief didn’t last long before you had to repeat it again. Harder each time for more time. Deeper each time for more. When you felt satisfied enough with your masterpiece, you let the blade fall to the ground. You would worry about cleaning up later, but for now, you were finally able to sleep.
There was a loud knock on the door and Namjoon’s voice called you out of your sleep. It took you a moment to register where you were and what you’ve been doing.
“ O-one moment ” You stuttered getting out of the tub. Looking back now it will take much more time to clean up then you originally thought. Namjoon’s knocking got less frantic and he was only asking for you to open the door now, as gently as he could. Jin’s voice was not absent in the background as he stood behind the younger telling him to just break the fucking door down, it’s not like you didn’t do it before. “ No ! I’m … I-I’m naked. Don’t come in !” You screamed out and the knocking finally stopped. They both sighed out, now feeling utterly embarrassed by their actions and clumsily walking – running – out the room.
Again, as always, you were also reminded of how shameful it felt to lie. To wake up the next day. Because no matter, how good it felt in the moment, you always seemed to regret it the next day. It was harder to take a shower now, adding those to the other ones you had to watch out for. Ironic how some pain was always welcomed while you pried away from another.
“ Let me redo your dressing ” Jin held up the first-aid kit, that looked nothing like a small emergency bag, and smiled. You shook your head before he could finish holding both your hands up when he saw that you already did.
“ I can do it myself from now on, you did enough ” You returned his smile then meeting eyes with Namjoon who just stared at you with a blank face.
“ You should let him, he’s more experienced than you ” Namjoon finally said going back to his phone. You didn’t know what to say it’s not like you were just going to casually confess to why you didn’t want to. You limped your way towards the table before plopping down the chair next to Namjoon, sighing as it took much more effort to do so than the first two times.
“ How come you are so good at this ? Were you like training for battle or something ?’’ Jin seemed to freeze at your question. It was your way to change the subject but it seemed like you hit a sensitive string he wanted to avoid. Namjoon cleared his throat catching your attention and Jin silently thanked him for it.
“ Hyung is going to get your stuff from Hye Jung’s place and you’ll be staying with us .” Namjoon calmly put down his phone and turned his chair to face you. “ Before you say no, I’m not giving you much of a choice anyways. You either stay here or stay here. We still have to find him and deal with him, we don’t know if he would try to come find you again so, you’re staying here. I’m sure you’ll be safe with the two of us here.”
“ What about Jimin ? I know he lives with you.”
“ He’s moving in with Hye Jung today, you’ll be taking his room after he leaves. As much as I like you being in mine, I can’t sleep on the couch for ever.” Namjoon chuckled
“ Plus, you get to eat my food.” Jin added while smirking down at the pancakes, too proud of what he makes, and you just laughed.
“ Not the food again !” Namjoon yelled out in frustration before standing up. If this was what you would be seeing everyday, it wasn’t really such a bad thing.
“ Shhhh, repeat after me : Food is love, food is life.”
“ Hyung … You know that video was about-”
“ Okay ! Let’s not go there.” You interrupted him covering your ears and looking away. “ I don’t need to hear you talking about that.”.
Namjoon glanced down at you with furrowed eyebrows. Too much was going on in his head and nothing seemed to be good enough to voice. He was happy to see you smile and laugh over stupid things like this but he also knew that it wasn’t true and that you were trying for them. Maybe they should’ve built a closer relationship with you before this all happened, maybe then they could’ve stopped this all from happening.
“ Namjoon-ah ?” Jin repeated for what felt like the thousand time.
“ Uh, hyung ?”
“ I said we should not open the restaurant for a few days.”
“ Why would you do that ?” You turned to Jin who just ignored your question. “ Jin, please, I don’t want you-”
“ I’m not doing it for you. I just think we need a break.” The eldest scoffed.
“ A break, right. We do.” Namjoon brushed his hair back and smiled. Too many debt.
Yoongi sat alone in the bed you used to share. He spun his lighter over and over again, a glimpse of hesitation still holding him back.