okay okay i know i need to stop but look at this thing i made i'm really proud of it!!!!!!

socktrollqueen  asked:

Today is a not a good day for me mentally. My hubbs keeps calling me from work to check up on me. I'm just in one of those moods where I want to vanish for a bit, but responsibilities demand my attention. So, I am having a cry before my child gets home from school. I have started therapy and we are discussing medications and I know that is a good step. But I'm terrified all the same.

It’s going to be okay.

YOU are going to be okay. This is a temporary thing with your brain being a dick, and you will get through this.

I’m so proud of you for starting therapy, and looking into meds to help your brain get the help it needs to stop being a dick to you.

If I may suggest something: I practice a version of cognitive behavioral therapy. The short and overly simplified version is: when I feel my brain throwing a sad or depressive or negative thought at me, I stop what I’m doing, and I make the effort to consciously remember something awesome that happened that made me happy. It doesn’t matter what it is, just as long as it’s a good memory. It doesn’t even have to be a big, complicated memory. It can be like that time I ran my first 5K, or the time I switched on my emulator and it worked! It can be a quiet walk I took with Anne (I have a lot of those to choose from) and specifically how nice it felt to hold her hand. 

We have tons of good memories, and sometimes we have to make the effort and work hard to find them, especially when it’s easier to feel bad about something.

Also, it’s OKAY to recognize that a thing made you sad, and then sort of visualize putting it on a shelf or in a bag or just kicking it out of your way for a moment while you pay attention to that good memory.

There’s science which tells us that the experience of recalling something happy produces the same neurochemicals as actually having that experience, so even though this can feel like woo woo mystical bullshit, it’s a real thing.

So your homework is to think of an awesome thing that happened, just a moment when you were really happy, and recall something specific from that moment. Your brain may try to be a dick and do this thing where it goes, “and that’ll never happen again.” or “and I didn’t deserve it.” When your brain does that, it can be a challenge to stay focused on the good memory, but you can do it!

You’re gonna get through today, I promise. Send me a note tomorrow and let me know how you’re feeling, okay?

home is wherever i’m with you

length: 1k

genre(s): fluff

triggers/warnings: none

a/n: thank you to @cherryonsimon​ for the beta and @amazingmsme​ for the prompt!!

baz has a thing for simon’s wings, especially when he’s having a bad day




Simon
I can tell Baz’s had a bad day the moment he enters the flat, slamming the door behind him and muttering about daft professors and fucking study groups and–for some reason–his father. Baz has bad days and then he has Bad Days, and I can tell today is the latter.  His face is pinched, his frown is deep, and I’m not shocked when he doesn’t stop to kiss me on his way in.

Baz doesn’t live with Penny and me, but he’s over here often enough that it feels like it sometimes. He’s even got his own key and drawer. His shampoo is next to mine in the shower. It’s not much different than when we were roommates at Watford, except it feels more domestic now, means something different. There we cohabitated because we had to, now we do it because we want to. It’s scary sometimes how okay I am with that.

Baz claims it’s just because Fiona is gone so much and he can’t be bothered to buy food, but I know better.

I also know better than to push him to admit things.

It took us a while to get to this point, if I’m honest. We still get into it, even now that we’re together. Some things never really change. He’s overdramatic, Baz is. And stubborn. And I suppose I can be a bit stubborn at times too, which isn’t very helpful when you’re having a row and neither side will back down.

But I’m always careful around him when he gets like this and I always know what he needs.

The first time it happened, we’d been on the couch watching Masterchef reruns. I’d been about to get up to get a snack because the show always makes me hungry, when I felt Baz’s fingers brushing my right wing. My first instinct was to pull it back until I noticed his expression. He looked peaceful as he stroked it and I found I didn’t mind the sensation all that much. Or having to give up my snack.

Actually, that’s a lie.  I pushed him away about 10 minutes later and got some crisps from the kitchen. He looked ready to throttle me until I handed him his own bag (salt & vinegar) and we resumed our earlier position.

It’s turned into a routine. Most days it’s just idle touches here and there, but on bad days, especially Bad Days, Baz likes to snuggle under them like a child. I don’t mind. I spent so long making him miserable, I’d do most anything to make him happy.

Baz
Fucking Snow is waiting by the door when I get home, looking like a kicked puppy when I shove my way past him to the bathroom. I strip down once I’m there and turn on the shower, hotter than it needs to be. I need to wash this day off of my skin, scald myself until it’s completely gone and I can forget about every little thing that went wrong.

I know he won’t try to talk to me about it. It’s one of the (many) things I love about Simon. He understands that sometimes it’s okay to just… not talk.

I can hear him bustling around the flat even through the bathroom door. He’s not exactly quiet, especially when he’s always bumping things with his wings or tripping over that damn tail.

I step under the spray and let the water run down my back. The slight burn feels good. Therapeutic. Grabbing my shampoo from the shelf where I’d left it the last time I was here, I start to wash up.

Occasionally I think I should stop pretending and just move in properly, but we really do need space from each other sometimes. Still, I’ve left so much over here. Like clothes. And shampoo. My shampoo that Simon used once, when his ran out, and I hated it. He smelled… wrong. Which is about a thousand times worse when you’ve got a vampiric supernose.

I finish up in the shower and put on a pair of Simon’s trackies. I briefly consider nicking a t-shirt as well, but the holes on the back always feel weird, like a draft right on your shoulder blades.

When I enter the lounge Simon’s waiting with a cup of tea and his wing open at his side. He’s put in the dvd for the first season of Downton Abbey, a major acquiescence on his part (although he does occasionally get into the storylines).  

I sit next to him and lean into his side. He rests his wing on my shoulder, effectively wrapping me up, and I exhale and reach for the cup. He’s made it just the way I like it, the way only he knows: with lots of sugar and light on the milk. The exact opposite of him. His own pale brown cup is sitting half-drunk on the coffee table, probably already cold. Simon has a habit of doing that.

“I like this.” I say and take a sip. It’s perfect.

“I know,” he replies, “you don’t exactly keep it a secret.”

It’s true. I’m a bit obsessed with Simon’s wings. Sue me. I’m always finding excuses to touch them, especially on days like this when nothing seems to be going quite right and all I want to do is curl up on the couch and hide from the world.

Once I’ve finished my tea, we rearrange ourselves on the couch so I’m almost in Simon’s lap and both of his wings are surrounding me. We lay like that until the first episode fades into the second and I realize that Simon’s fallen asleep behind me. I feel his warm breath against the back of my neck as he begins to snore softly. It’s comforting, this routine.

I suppose it’s not quite normal–normal, not Normal–to enjoy being cocooned by a pair of wings belonging to your boyfriend, but then again, nothing about our life is.

And that’s perfectly fine by me.

banner note:  lowqual snapchat edit for a photoshop-less author

Hi loves, I guess it’s about time I make one of these to appreciate all the people that I have somehow convinced to press that follow button how even.! as well as the people that makes me wanna log on everyday I honestly forgot the exact day of my blog anniversary so I guess today will do for this post wink wonk c: It’s been about a year since I actively wrote for bts and got back into the army tumblr community and I’m happy the allure and fascination in writing did not leave me back then. First off, I really want to say thank you to all of you, sincerely, I never thought I would meet so many wonderful people on this website and the amount of talent in this fandom is astounding! Thank you for being so patient with me, for understanding that I’m a fickle writer at heart (them random ass updates) and thank you for letting me share my stories with you. The following people have been meaningful to me in someway, whether that is through the little things like the occasional message or some that I can truly count on to be there when I need them. 

Note, that more one of the below categories may apply to you but I like organizing it this way :’) also if I didn’t write a message for you it’s not because I love you any less but more like I’m trying real hard for this to not exceed a certain length and crash everyone’s app (HA). Please forgive me if I forgot anyone .. I really tried my best TTTT but believe me when I say if I have punched that follow button then I have loved you for a long long time. So without farther ado.. 

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witchspromise  asked:

>.< I don't know why I picked this one... but could you do RFA+ Saeran and V finding out MC has a kid? It has been in my head for days and won't go away. I'm sorry!

never be sorry about requesting things! i’m always glad to answer them!! thank you for stopping by~ \(◕ ◡ ◕\)


zen

  • oh 
  • he doesn’t mind at all, really, he wants kids
  • it’s just that now it’s hard for them to be public and such
  • but when they do go public, the fans don’t mind 
  • and respect the kid’s privacy
  • zen wants to be the ‘cool stepdad’
  • and he is, but he’s also a giant dork
  • the three of them act out his scripts together
  • sometimes, zen lets the kid take his role and he plays the bad guy
  • who needs story time when you can act it out?
  • also teaches the kid how to dance and sings them songs, they perform for mc at home
  • again, now zen’s fridge is full… and they have to get a new place 
  • he made a dad joke once, ok it was hilarious and totally sarcastic
  • because the kid called him ‘dad’ and he just responded with “dad? what’s the matter, sport? need some fatherly advice?” i made myself laugh imagining this
  • the kid says they’re never calling him that again, but he apologizes

yoosung

  • oh boy, yoosung, let’s get that degree, yeah?
  • this is why he’s the fastest to do it
  • but he loves kids!!
  • teaches them how to cook
  • they make breakfast in bed for mc, it’s adorable
  • when the kid needs help with homework, yoosung is There
  • the best mentor, kid is blessed
  • mc loves watching them study together
  • he’s actually such a good father figure
  • the kid looks up to him, he’s so flattered
  • family game nights!! 
  • they play LOLOL and board games 
  • all of them get super competitive uh oh 

jaehee

  • wasn’t really ready for kids, but is totally okay with it
  • even better, this kid is an angel
  • and a musical fan!!
  • wowie wow jaehee liked this kid
  • and the kid liked jaehee! 
  • they bond over hot chocolate because jaehee shows them the amazingness that is putting cinnamon in it too
  • true story: i did that of my own accord and it’s great i have seen light
  • mc joins in too and that’s how we have family bonding~
  • the kid helps jaehee become more affectionate like
  • hugs !! all the time!!
  • forehead kisses to say goodnight!
  • jaehee is a really good story teller wow mc wants bedtime stories too

jumin

  • did someone say ‘spoiled’?
  • this kid is spoiled rotten 
  • but has good manners, of course 
  • jumin loves the kid and gets said kid anything and everything
  • but mc’s kid, and mc’s favorite, thing he does is when he reads to them
  • jumin puts on silly voices sometimes for the characters, it makes everyone laugh
  • oh oh and piggyback rides!
  • basically jumin is the best stepdad ever 
  • totally supports the kid’s dreams and will help at every step of the way
  • mc thinks he’s a great dad
  • “…would you want more kids one day, my dear spouse?” 

707 / luciel / saeyoung

  • damnit v wh y 
  • he can’t like mc, the kid would be in danger too 
  • but he still does, damnit saeyoung
  • when he comes over and is all distant and stuff, the kid is really the only one who can get to him
  • because saeyoung can’t be too mean to a child
  • accidentally spills his crush on mc to mc’s child
  • and they just shake their head and is like ‘i knew it’
  • helps saeyoung sort out his feelings
  • after that distant episode, he and the kid are really good friends
  • called saeyoung ‘dad’ once and he couldn’t stop grinning
  • mc is actually really proud of the two of them
  • they always make them laugh

v / jihyun

  • oh boy what did he do
  • did he really let this happen, bad jihyun what were you thinking
  • and there’s a bomb in the apartment oh my go d
  • makes it a point to come to the party and apologizes a minimum of 6 times
  • mc tells him that it’s okay, but he’s insistent he do something in return
  • which is why v is babysitting for the day
  • turns out, the kid likes him!
  • asks about all his pictures and v tells the kid stories about them
  • also teaches mc’s kid about cameras 
  • mc came to pick their child up and the kid doesn’t wanna go
  • so they stay for dinner and the kid is like “parent…date this guy.” 
  • you are like 7 calm down
  • but then the kid falls asleep on the couch and jihyun offers to let them stay the night
  • the two of them talk over tea and mc lets it slip that jihyun would make a great dad (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  • v blushes and then it gets to the whole ‘awkward crush’ territory
  • the kid, supposedly asleep on the couch, goes “date already” im the kid

saeran

  • shit
  • this was a mistake
  • i mean, yeah, mint eye is gone now, but look at all he put mc and their kid through!
  • apologizes to both of them
  • the kid also becomes his best friend
  • but this time because they just keep talking to him and being nice
  • saeran thinks he doesn’t deserve it 
  • but they just?? keep sticking by him???
  • even when mc can tell he’s uncomfortable and tries to pull them away
  • eventually, he gets used to it and their conversations become more interesting
  • everyone is surprised 
  • but he’s really nice to the kid 
  • and they’re mc and saeran’s #1 fan
  • literally ‘whoop’ed when he saw them hold hands lol 
it gets easier in the telling

summary: “tell us!” killua’s sisters demand. and it’s hard, at first. but eventually, it gets easier for him answer.

notes: hello I am a terrible student who spent an hour wordbarfing feelings about killua and emotions and how his sisters are the best and persistent in what they want, rather than working on my paper due on friday. do not follow my example, fellow kids. do your work, don’t fic. gen, alluka and nanika and killua, with a side of killugon, rated F for Feelings and Fluff. 1750 words. not edited in the slightest.

—-

“Tell me!” Alluka demands.

“Tell you what?” Killua ruffles his sister’s hair with a grin. It sticks up in odd directions, beads she’s woven in the strands next to her cheeks preventing it from becoming a total mess.

She scowls up at him, eyes flashing with annoyance, and sticks her tongue out at him. “Tell me what you’re feeling!”

Killua laughs and messes her hair up even more. “I love you,” he says.

Alluka wriggles out from under his noogie, only to boop him in the nose. “Love you,” she says back.

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Sink or Swim (Sicheng)

genre: swimmer! au, high school au!, for the sports au NCT mini series @k-stagram and I are working on

summary: sicheng is a foreign exchange student at NCT School of Sports & Arts and one of the best swimmers the school has seen in years. But his English grade, might be the only thing keeping him out of the water.

“Hey y/n!”

Looking past the door of your locker, you saw your friend approaching, waving a piece of paper in the air.

“The new tutor assignments just came out, I grabbed yours for you from Mr. Kim’s office.“

She leaned against the lockers as you finished grabbing the books you needed. “Thanks! So, who did you get this time? Jaehyun hopefully?” You flashed a wink and a smile as she rolled her eyes. “Yeah don’t I wish, Jaehyun is super smart, I don’t think he will ever need a tutor.”

You and your friend were some of the smarter kids at NCT, not to brag. But you two had some of the highest test scores and GPAs in the whole school. And because of that, they asked you two, along with other students, to be tutors. However, most of the students you got paired up with were athletes. And it never failed that when you got new assignments, they were always one of NCT’s top sports stars.

“No, I got Haechan again. You know, I’m starting to wonder how that boy got here on scholarship with the grades he gets in some of these classes.”

You laughed as you closed your locker, starting down the hall with your friend as she handed you your assignment. Then looked over the tutor report of Haechan’s grades and performance in class.

“Maybe, he is actually really smart, but he just chooses to get bad grades so he can have you as a tutor. I mean, maybe he has a crush on you.” Your friend stopped in her tracks as she chuckled. “Y/n, we are talking about Haechan. That boy has never cracked a book unless it’s about football. You honestly think he is failing statistics on purpose just to spend time with me?”

Thinking about it, you realized that your thought was probably farfetched. “You’re right, let’s forget I ever even thought for a second Haechan was some secret genius.”

The two of you stopped at the coffee stand, grabbing something to drink and taking a seat during your free period. “Who do you think you got?” Eyeing your envelope, you just shrugged. “As long as it’s not Johnny Seo, I’ll be happy.”

The two of you laughing as your friend remembered the story of the last tutor session you had with Johnny. “I mean, he’s nice. But I don’t understand him getting bad grades and not being able to play, just to have tutor sessions with me. And, the fact that he tried to kiss me while I was teaching him about conjugations of the verb jugar. I mean, I get Spanish is a romance language but.” You shook your head as you opened your envelope.

“Well, it’s kind of cute. Almost like something you’d see on tv or in a movie. What, who did you get?” Your friend stopped talking about Johnny as she noticed your expression. “I got Sicheng.” “The foreign exchange student from China, who is on the swimming and diving team? Didn’t he go to the Olympics? He needs a tutor?”

“Yeah well apparently you don’t need a passing grade in English to go to Rio. He’s failing, and he can’t swim again until he gets his grade up. Well, I should go. Something tells me this assignment might take awhile.


“Sicheng, come on. It’s not that hard. Form a sentence with the words in the word box, but not all of them have to be used. So, you don’t have to use every single word. Okay?”

You’d been tutoring Sicheng for two weeks now, and his grade has only gone from an F to a D. And while that was good enough for Sicheng, it wasn’t good enough for his coach.

“Okay, check it now.”

Looking over the sentences he’d formulated, they were all correct. But it only took him thirty minutes or so to do it. And this was only the first exercise you’d done so far.

“See, why can’t you get the right answer the first time? You know what you’re doing. I think, you just rush yourself, or don’t take the time you need in order to do things right.” Writing down some notes, Sicheng just pulled out his phone, scrolling through Instagram, not thinking you’d care.

“Hey!” You grabbed his phone, turning it off and putting it in your backpack. “You have to focus. Remember what coach said, you don’t get at least a B-, you don’t get to swim at sectionals. And you have a huge test coming up that could get you the B- you need, but you have to focus and study.”

Sicheng sat quietly, a bit surprised at you being so strict with him, but he knew you were right. And you’d found the way to get him to work, threaten him with not being able to swim. Though you knew how much it hurt him to imagine not being able to swim in such a big tournament, you had to make him realize school is just as important as athletics.

Giving Sicheng another worksheet, you sat and watched as he cautiously filled it out. Looking at you every now and then before writing something down. “Sicheng, take your time. There’s no time limit or anything. okay? I’ve got all night.”

He nodded his head, giving his full attention to the worksheet, reading and rereading each question. Erasing his answers every now and then, cursing himself for making silly mistakes.

As you watched, you wondered how hard it must be. For Sicheng, being a foreign exchange student and not speaking much of anything besides Chinese. Having to make new friends, come to a new school. Sure he had swimming, but right now he didn’t even have that, unless he got the grade he needed. Before this tutoring session you honestly hadn’t ever noticed Sicheng. Mostly because your classes were in different parts of the building, or he was always by the pool in his free time. But now spending time with him, seeing he was just struggling with adjusting to a new school, it made you want to not only be a tutor for him, but a friend.


“Y/n! Y/n!”

Sitting outside working on some homework with your friend, you heard Sicheng as he came running toward you. Noticing the piece of paper in his hand, you realized he’d gotten his test score back. And this would determine whether or not he could swim at sectionals.

“Oh my god, your test!”

Practically jumping off the bench you were sitting on, you ran over to him, trying to grab the test from him. “Okay, wait.” He held it above your head, making you sigh as you waited impatiently. “Before I tell you what I got. I just want to say that I really appreciate you tutoring me. I know we spent a lot of time in the library. Sometimes probably too much time. But, whatever I got, I’m happy with it.”

You smiled at him, “You’re welcome,” then jumped and grabbed the paper while he wasn’t paying much attention. “Now let’s see.” unfolding the paper you scanned the page, looking anywhere for a B- to be written. But you didn’t find anything.

“I don’t get it, where’s the B-?”

Looking up you saw Sicheng holding the results paper that was stapled to the paper, which you ended up ripping off when you took the test from him. “It’s not there because,” Sicheng flashed the paper at you, revealing a big red A written on it. “I got an A!”

Your jaw practically hit the floor as you were shocked, you were really only tutoring him to get a B so he must have done some extra work on his own. Wrapping your arms around him, you hugged him tight, Sicheng taking a moment before reciprocating. But the two of you didn’t find it awkward considering you’d spent numerous hours together the past few weeks in the library.

“I’m so proud of you! This means you can swim at sectionals!”

Sicheng smiled wide, almost forgetting that he needed this grade in order to swim again. It had been so long since he’d been in the pool.

“Y/n, would you, like to come to sectionals? And see me swim?”

“Of course! I need to see for myself how you got the nickname Winwin!”

Sicheng smiled wide. It was like this grade on his test had made him a little less nervous at NCT. He was starting to open up more already, and you only hoped grades like this would continue so he didn’t have to sit out from swimming again.

“Awesome, well I gotta go tell coach. Then get back in the pool, I’m gonna need a lot of practice. Thanks again y/n!”

Pinky Promise (pt. 1 of my Le Duo verse)

Pairing(s): Luke Evans/Josh Gad

Summary: Luke isn’t intimidated by a simple babysitting gig, okay? He really isn’t. He’s performed live in front of massive audiences on West End and seen his face on the big screen all around the world. Needless to say, he’s definitely not scared of some little girls. Especially not Josh Gad’s adorable little girls. Nope, not scared at all.

***

The front door is pretty average; tall and sturdy and probably a little expensive, but plain. Certainly nothing to be intimidated by. Except that Luke knows the man of his dreams is just behind that door. And with him, his beautiful wife and two daughters. God, he really should just turn around and feign some deadly illness because the whole situation is too absurd.

When Josh had asked him for a favor, Luke had foolishly agreed without knowing anything, jumping at any opportunity to please like an overeager puppy. He hadn’t realized that the favor would involve going just long enough without seeing Josh to make Luke really miss him and then sleeping over at Josh’s house with the two most important little people in his friend’s life. It was all a giant domestic tease that Luke wasn’t sure he could handle.

Luke never thought that he would be trying to get into Gaston’s headspace outside of shooting Beauty and the Beast (because really, who would willingly put themselves in that guy’s headspace for any other reason?), but he found himself taking out his phone and pulling up the camera app, trying to let courage show through his eyes on the screen as he channeled his character’s outrageous self-confidence.

“You are Luke Evans, and you are clever, kind, and incredibly fun to be around. You are the perfect babysitter, and you have noth
ing to worry about.”

He cocked an eyebrow for effect, starting to feel even less self-assured at how silly he looked, when he heard the door unlatch. He immediately shoved his phone in his pocket and felt heat rising to his cheeks as the door swung open and he looked up into Josh’s amused eyes.

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and-heather  asked:

i hope i'm not being annoying or doing smth wrong as i'm new to tumblr and stupid ! could you do a fanfic where JD is incredibly upset/mad and honestly just an emotional wreck and V is trying to comfort him? you did one with V + JD comforting her, i'd be interested to see it the other way around. make it as angsty as you want. (': ty m'dude!

Of course I can! You aren’t being annoying at all! I love love LOVE getting requests! I haven’t really written too much angst for this au so far! And I checked out your blog! It’s so cute!!!!! My Heathers blog is pretty new too, so let’s keep it up together!!!! Enjoy the story!!!!!


JD grabbed a fistful of his hair and slid to the ground. Big tears were pooling down his face and he looked up out towards the window. Everything was spinning and he felt sick. JD closed his eyes and let more tears fall out. He stayed there all alone for a long while until a shadow came up over him. “What happened?” JD looked up and saw Veronica looking down at him with the most worried look he had seen on her for a long time. “JD, tell me what happened.” She told him, more stern.

“I’m fine.” He muttered, looking away. Veronica got down in front of him and grabbed his face in her hands. She looked so concerned.

“JD, talk to me!” She begged. She always worried for him, she knew how he could get, depressing thoughts and such. There was only so much help he could get for it, and healing didn;t happen overnight. “Did you hurt yourself?” She asked in fear.

“No!” JD told her.

“Then tell me!” Veronica begged. She sat down next to him and put her arms around him. He tried to keep himself more composed, but at feeling the contact he burst into tears and grabbed her, pulling her close. Veronica held him and rubbed his back. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here.” She soother. JD pulled away and wiped away some tears.

“Don’t tell anybody.” He mumbled, but it still had a bit of a joking tone through his ears. Veronica smiled sadly and held his hands. “I didn’t hurt myself I promise.” JD assured. “I wanted to, but I didn’t.” He promised her. Veronica nodded.

“What’s the matter?” She asked. JD looked down at his hands and closed his eyes for a long while.

“I’ve… I’ve just been having a hard time today.” He mumbled. Veronica didn’t speak, she just let him talk. “I thought because I have you now, and I have stability and I have a home it wouldn’t be as bad this year. But it was just as bad, and for some reason that made me feel worse and I started thinking about never getting better and never moving on and then that same voice telling me I’m better off dead kept going and I-”

“JD.” Veronica interrupted finally. “You’re rambling, you’ll just get more worked up. Take a breath.” She told him. JD nodded and wiped his tears away. “What is it that’s bothering you so much about today?” She asked. JD just looked out at nothing, like he didn’t want to say it. “You don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to.”

“No.” JD sighed. “I worried you, you have a right to know.” Veronica shook her head.

“I don’t need to know anything you don’t want me to.” She promised. “Anything you want to tell me, if it’s important, I trust you’ll tell me on your own time. I don’t want to rush you or make you uncomfortable.” She explained.

“You’re too good, you know that?” JD asked. He had a little grin and his tears were slowing to a stop. Veronica smiled warmly at him and JD was quiet for a while, before taking a deep breath and looking up at her. “Ten years ago today I saw my mother kill herself.” He started. Veronica bit her lip. “I thought after all this time, and meeting you, I’d be less of a wreck today but there’s always something.” He explained.

“Hey, you don’t need to be sorry about that.” Veronica assured. JD looked over at her. “I know a lot of people lose loved ones, but even then it’s not something you just get over. It takes time and it’s really hard. And in your case, somebody was ripped away from you in a traumatic way.” She explained. “You have a right to feel sad, there’s nothing wrong with that.” Veronica assured, she reached over to hold his hand.

“Thank you, Ronnie.” JD whispered. He then shook his head and wiped away some stray tears. “Ah, I hate emotion.” He muttered. Veronica laughed. “Thanks for cutting my heart open, stupid girlfriend, making me feel. Which is something I never wanted to have to do.” He blabbered on, pretending to be annoyed with her.

Veronica stayed with him for a while, going back and forth. They talked about how hard it was to accept things, they would make a ill fitting joke, and then shed another tear or two. But the tears grew less and less, and the jokes grew more and more. “Are you okay?” Veronica asked. “Are you feeling better?” She asked.

“You always make me feel better.” JD told her, cupping her face in his hands. Veronica smiled and stole a kiss from him. “Thank you for being here for me… I really don’t know what to say but… you know you mean the world to me?” JD asked, his eyes were big and he was holding his bangs out of his face with one hand, so she could really see his eyes.

“You know, I may not of known her, but from what you’ve told me I think she’d be really proud of you.” Veronica told him. JD looked down, and then peered up again with a little smile.

“You think?” He asked. Veronica nodded. JD quickly wiped away another tear before it fell and then looked up at his girlfriend. “That… that means so much more to me than you’d think.” He admitted. He kissed her and then pulled away, wiping away more tears. “Oh man, I was fine until that dumb therapist you made me see brought it up. And now I’m a mess.” He laughed a bit at himself and Veronica smiled.

“Come on, let’s go get some slushies.” veronica offered. JD smiled at her and held her hand.

“I’d like that a lot.” He told her. JD stared at his girlfriend for a long while before smiling. “She would have loved you. So much. I know that and… I hope one day I’m able to talk about her without getting so emotional because… I’d really like to tell you more about her, and some of stories I have.” He smiled warmly.

“I would love that.” Veronica kissed JD again. “But you just remember to take all the time you need. But if you decide you need a push, just let me know and I’ll be here. For whatever you need.”

"I'm all on my own." - Casualty Fanfic

<b>Just a Drabble I wrote about how Ethan deals with Cal’s death in the coming months. It does contain some trigger warnings.

“I’m all on my own.” He whispered to himself.

He sat solemnly on the floor, his back measly propped up against the table edge, his clammy hands nursing an empty bottle. He felt like
smashing the damn thing. He felt angry all over. He couldn’t focus on anything, anything but the most important thing in the world.

“I’m all on my own.”

He felt as if he hadn’t moved in weeks, maybe it was longer. He’d missed shifts, numerous shifts actually, anything to avoid talking to
anyone, anyone but Cal. He spent most days staring at the ceiling of a flat that still smelled like his brothers cologne. He talked to himself, he muttered words that he wanted to say, but never got to.

“I love you.” He whispered. “I’m proud of you.” He wished so badly he could have just 5 minutes with his brother again, but it was too late, he had been too late. It was all his fault. He fought back the tears and continued to stare at the pills collected in his hand. He had been clasping them between his fingers for hours now, contemplating, thinking.

But he couldn’t think, it hurt to think. It hurt to think of a world that was now so empty for him, a world where no one truly knew him, understood him, loved him. His brother needed him and he failed. He didn’t deserve love anymore. He had spent weeks pushing people away, he had said things he never meant to, he had lashed out at the people who cared. But did they really care? After all why was he on his own right now? Why did no one come to see if he was okay?

He felt like he needed protecting, but only his brother could do that. He chuckled to himself dryly, and began to let the tears flow. His brother once said that “Nobody hurts my little brother except me.” Well he got that right. Ethan was feeling a different kind of hurt, a stabbing pain that had slowly mustered into a never ending dull ache. He hurt so much his head throbbed, his heart palpitated. Cal was right, nobody could hurt him like this
but his brother.

By now he had gathered that no one would come. He knew it all along, but even now he still had hope. He had hoped that someone would stop him, but now his fate was confirmed. Nobody cared about him the way Cal did, nobody ever would.

Who would care if he ended it all, they all knew he deserved it. Who would love someone who let his brother die trying to save him? How could he go on when Cal couldn’t? Who would stop him from attempting the inevitable?

He opened his palm, took one last look of the photo of his brother above the mantel piece and started to swallow what would soon be his
poison. No one was stopping him now.

After all he was all on his own.

//

“Hey, Alicia, How’s Ethan?” Charlie took a soft hold of the junior doctor’s shoulder and sat beside her. In their break they had both
managed to venture outside, taking a seat on a bench that was slowly becoming Cal’s memorial, and slowly stared up at the blue June sky.

“I keep trying to call him, but there’s no answer. Every time I go round there he refuses to let me in. I think he blames me Charlie, if
we hadn’t have been in the pub maybe he could have had his last moments with
him, maybe it would have been different maybe-“

“You can’t blame yourself.” He cut her off, handing her his ever so trusty handkerchief from his pocket. She took it whist looking at her phone, desperate for Ethan to reply. If anything she was more worried that he
was missing shifts again. His work came before everything, and the fact that he had not even bothered to call in sick this time made her stomach churn.

Something was wrong.

“When was the last time someone saw him?” Charlie asked, noticing her discomfort. She shook her head, and stared at the photo of Cal by the end of the bench. “I’m asking because, as a department we all agree that his recent
behaviour has been concerning, and as you’re closest to him we thought you could check up on him.”

Alicia shook her head and stood up quickly from the bench. She dropped the handkerchief and turned to walk away. “How am I supposed to help him? He hates me of all people, he won’t even answer the door to me! She had
tears flowing but didn’t care as they fell of her chin. Charlie stood up to give her a hug but she pushed away.

“He’s in love with you Alicia, that’s why he’s pushing you away of all people, he doesn’t want you to see him like this.” Charlie put his
hands out to stop her walking away. “I need you to help us help him. I’ll be honest with you, I’m really worried about him.” The old man almost had tears in his eyes as he led Alicia back inside. “How about we swing by his flat at the end of our shift, ask him if he wants any company for a few days, I think it would be good for him to talk to someone.”

Alicia smiled through watery eyes and nodded, gulping at the thought of seeing the broken boy she had fell for. She knew he wasn’t okay, but with Charlie’s help she felt strong enough to comfort him, and give him the love
he so desperately needed.

Little did she know he had already given up on that.

//

“Ethan please let us in, we want to help!” Charlie banged again, his heart racing as he desperately tried to reach out to the boy. He,
Duffy and Alicia had been stood there for what seemed like hours, banging, calling aimlessly through the letterbox. “Ethan, mate, we are all worried about you.”

“This isn’t working Charlie, do we kick it down?” Duffy stood nervously peering into the windows of the flat. “Could he have gone out?”

“No, he never leaves, he feels closest to Cal here.” Alicia desperately held back her tears whist she watch Charlie persist. “I’m worried,
he usually at least tells me to go away. I haven’t heard a word or a movement.” She rung her hands and leant back against the railings in panic.

“Right that’s it I’m kicking it down.” Charlie huffed, and ushered the two girls back. With a few pushes and a busted shoulder the door suddenly swung open to reveal mess, dust and a manly odour. The place was silent, eerie even. It was as if it held a sad and deathly atmosphere.

“Ethan? Eth?” Alicia called, walking towards the kitchen. Seeing it was empty she gasped at the mess, the empty bottles on the floor, a punch mark in the wall, pill bottles lying on the kitchen side. All that was on the table was a pile of condolence cards and Cal’s childhood teddy bear that Ethan had retrieved from his things. She could feel her eyes welling as she picked it up, smelling the scent of her former boyfriend. She closed her eyes, calmed her breaths until suddenly a shriek came from the bedroom.

“ETHAN!?” She heard Duffy bellow, and all of a sudden Charlie was talking medical jargon. She ran.

She was met with the sight of the man she loved sprawled out on the floor, his face deathly pale and his eyes solemnly closed. He was curled up, his hand wrapped around one final bottle of pills, his tear tracks more than prominent down his face. His whole body was shaking, sweating.

Overdose.

“Ethan, oh my god oh my god.” Alicia pushed through and knelt down, her breathing quickening as Duffy held his head, and Charlie spoke to the ambulance service. “W-What have you done to y-yourself.” She felt like sobbing at the sight of his sad and worn down expression, but jumped into Doctor mode, suddenly checking his vitals.

“Okay he’s breathing, but resp rates are low, I’d say GCS is 7 at a push, his body is going into shock.” She stroked his clammy hair, and with the help of Duffy rolled him into the recovery position, beginning to cradle his cold and fragile figure.

“Okay Charlie tell them to hurry.” Duffy breathed, gently holding Ethan’s hand. He looked like a little boy, and her heart broke to see him so helpless. She looked at Alicia holding him close to her chest and she huffed as Charlie knelt down beside them.

“Please be okay, come on I’m here now.” Alicia hugged him close, burying her face into his chest. “C-Cal wouldn’t want this, p-please Ethan.” She gripped his hand, and kissed it, desperately trying to warm him up. Duffy had found a blanket in the cupboard and began draping it over his shoulders.

“Not long now, hang in there mate.” Charlie kept a watch on the window, he couldn’t bare to see him in distress.

“C-Cal.” Ethan slowly began to open his eyes, his head spinning, his body cold and shivering. He began to fidget weakly, and hazily stared up into Alicia’s eyes. “W-Want C-Cal.”

“Ethan, hey it’s okay, it’s okay, stay awake for me okay, just hang on.” Alicia was crying now, her grip on the frail boy tighter as he drifted in and out of consciousness. “I’m here, I’ve got you now, I’ve got you.”

He hummed in response, his eyes threatening to role back once again.

“Sweetheart is Duffy, can you hear me? You need to stay awake for us, can you do that?” She spoke to him like a child, but that is what he needed right now, he was fragile.

“C-Caleb, I-m sorry C-Caleb.” He muttered, his teeth chattering between his short breaths. “M-my f-fault.”

“No no Ethan, it’s not your fault, come on keep talking to me.” Alicia begged, shaking him slightly as his eyes closed again. “Please Nibbles, stay with us for Cal, he’s here he’s with us. He’s always going to be here, come on Ethan don’t do this.”

She shook him again.

No avail.

Unconscious.

“Paramedics are here, it’s Lian and Jez.” Charlie called rushing to let them in.

“You’re going to be okay now, it’ll all be okay.” Alicia whispered, holding him close. “Don’t die, please don’t die.”

“ I-I l-love y-you.”

//

“Okay we have Ethan Hardy, 30, suspected overdose. He KO’d on scene, his BP is 56/110, SAT’s at 94%, GCS 7 on route.” Lian rolled him into resus, and gulped sadly as he was placed in the same bay that his brother died in only months ago.

“Ethan? ETHAN?” Elle and Dylan rushed beside Lily as the hospital staff began to file into a room that was beginning to buzz with tension and anxiety.

It was happening again, not again, Dylan thought.

Bay 4, always bay 4.

“Not this time.” He muttered, rushing into position.

“Okay I want a TOX screen immediately, we need to find what he has taken. I want IV fluid, full blood work and 100% oxygen.” Dylan moved into action, beginning to check over the young doctor with an anxious pace. People were speculating, people were crying, people were blaming themselves.

Thy should have seen this coming, he should have seen this coming. They had let Ethan down, just like they let Cal down.

“Okay he’s tachycardic, hypertensive and resps are still dropping. Whatever he’s taken is making his heart beat too fast. He’s going into VT with a pulse.” Elle was working at the other side of the bed, her eyes dead set on his monitors.

“Does he take anything that is not on his medical records, is he on antidepressants? A relaxant? This is not the work of simple paracetamol or ibuprofen.” Connie had begun to work on the boy herself, she felt the need to, they all did. This was Ethan, Ethan Hardy, the guy that was known as the kindest man on earth. This was one of her team, her family. “Come on? Anyone? Do we need to know anything? There’s no time for the TOX screen, his rhythm is compromised.”

“He has Huntingtons disease.” Lily spoke up from the back of the crowd. Her voice thick with tears and anxiety. His secret had just been spilt and it was all her fault.

Everyone looked shocked.

“Muscle relaxants, Baclofen.” Dylan spoke up from the silence, now rushing for the defib pads. He was not going to let another friend die, especially not Cal’s little brother. “Right he needs to be shocked back into sinus rhythm, intubated, and I want a stomach pump stat.”

People were frozen in spot. His disease had wracked their brains, and their minds were suddenly in shock. It was too much at once, the staff were cracking.

“Today people if we want to save his life!” Dylan shouted, suddenly pulling people back to reality. He worked quickly, and suddenly Ethan was being shocked.

Alicia cried into Robyn’s shoulder, Duffy stood close beside them. She felt a tear fall, and gripped her husbands hand. Charlie had seen just about everything a man could see, but seeing Ethan, a boy he thought of as his own, so ill, so helpless, he cursed himself for not protecting him, for not listening to what would have been Cal’s wishes.

He felt as if he had let Cal down, he felt as if he had let Ethan down.

Everyone couldn’t help thinking that this was all their fault.

//

Lily paced the corridors.

She was nervous, so nervous. He would be so angry with her when he found out they knew, he wouldn’t want to be her friend. She let a tear slip and wiped it quickly to hide her discomfort.

“Hey, hey don’t cry chuckles, he’s okay.” Lian, swooped in behind her, pulling her into his chest. She lightly sobbed, but breathed in his familiar scent which calmed her down. “He’s okay, he’s been taken up to Darwin, to monitor his heart.” He whispered, kissing the top of her forehead. She pulled away, nodding solemnly.

She still felt so guilty. She should have noticed something was wrong. He was her best friend in this hospital, he was once her only friend.

“Good shout with the Huntington’s though, the poor guy, why didn’t he talk to any of us?” Lian sighed, grasping his girlfriends clammy hand. “When did it start to progress?”

“That’s the thing, I didn’t know it had started.” Lily gulped, staring worryingly at the floor. “No one knew it had started, not even Cal.”

She then realised why Ethan had felt more alone than ever.

//

He was sleeping.

He had been sedated just over 2 hours ago, and was currently on Darwin, a place that Alicia wasn’t used to calling home.

She didn’t know how long she had cried, but her eyes stung and her heart hurt. There was so much he had kept in, so many things he hid behind. She had never known what hurting was like, not like he did.

She clasped his hand. It was still clammy from his earlier panic, and she traced her thumb across his palms hoping to soothe him in his slumber.

She couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was thinking of. It was as if he was a changed person since the death of Cal, his eyes constantly unfocused, his expression distant and unaware. There was grieving and then there was this. It had broken him, shattered him, but did the Huntingtons play a part in that?


He slept peacefully, tucked under the covers of what looked like an uncomfortable bed. She reached over to brush back his hair, kissing the little bump on his forehead. He looked so fragile tonight, as if he were a child again. He needed her, and She swore She would never leave him. He needed help when it got bad. He couldn’t be alone anymore. She was so scared of losing him again, she didn’t realise her grip was tightening on his fingers, her tears dripping on his arm. She loved him too much, but could you really love someone back to life?

She could see the sedation beginning to wear off. He would fidget now and again, tugging slightly on her finger, as She held his hand. She smiled as he began to stir, soothingly stroking back his hair. He was okay, physically at least.

“Ethan?” She whispered, rousing him from his slumber. He began to sluggishly peal open his lids, and suddenly She was faced with a pair of dull brown eyes, a confused expression crossing them.

He was completely unfocused.

“Ethan Hun, you’re okay. You’re in the hospital sweetie.” She cooed, trying to soothe his panic. His hand was shaking as it grew warm, and he fidgeted again, waking himself up.

“C-Cal?” He whispered, gripping her fingers. “Caleb?” He was muttering, blind in a state of partial unconsciousness.

“It’s Alicia.” She whispered, pulling his hand gently away from the canula he was trying to rip out. He looked agitated, confused. Sedation was good at making you groggy.

“I’m here. Calm down Ethan, everything’s alright now.” She brought his hand to her lips, kissing their intertwined fingers. He slowly pushed himself up against the pillows, suddenly accustomed to the scene around him.

“W-what happened?” He questioned, rocking slightly against the bed frame. He seemed anxious still, restless even. But he was in a better state now, more alert at least.

“You took an overdose Eth, we had to sedate you to stop you from harming yourself sweetheart.” She tried to speak softly, understanding that he was very fragile in the moment. She could see his eyes dart around the room, and he clutched the scrunched up piece of bedding in his fingers.

He was freaking out.

“Ethan, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re going to be alright.” She moved from her chair onto the bed, taking a seat behind him. She pulled him into her embrace, letting him lay against her chest. He fidgeted like a child with nerves, and his whimpering broke Alicia’s heart.

“Ethan, shhh, keep breathing deeply for me.” It broke her heart to see him cry, and she held him closer than ever. “You’re safe now, you’re safe.”

“T-this isn’t what I w-wanted.” He whimpered, sniffing softly as he took a deep breath. “I’ve hurt you, I-ve h-hurt m-myself, I’m s-sorry s-so sorry I just can’t-” He progressed into full blown sobs, Alicia’s jumper taking the brink of the break down. She cradled his shaking figure and gently shushed him as he cried.

“Don’t apologise, it’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.”

“Stop saying that!” He shouted, pulling from her embrace. “How a-am I ever going to b-be okay again?” He whimpered beginning to breathe heavily. Thoughts swirled in his head and he was suddenly too hot, he felt numb but angry.

“Ethan whatever happens, I’m going to get you help and I will never leave you.” Alicia tried to put on her best smile, but cracked at the sight of the fragile boy’s tears.

“Cal said he would never leave me.” Ethan muttered, his sniffles rapid and painful. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know who to trust. He certainly couldn’t trust himself anymore.

“Oh Ethan.” Alicia brought him into a hug once again kissing the side of his cheek. He couldn’t help but cry again, he had been numb for so long.

“I’m all on my own Alicia, he not coming back is he?” He whimpered, his eyes fixated on the ceiling, tears sliding from their corners.

“No, Ethan he’s not, but you’re not on your own, not now, not ever.” She took his hand and smiled as he held it tightly. Maybe he was ready to accept support. “I know it might be hard, but maybe you could learn to trust someone else, love someone else, even if he’s not here, he will always be watching over you, protecting you. He will Ethan I promise.”

“M-my safety n-net.” He whispered.

“Your safety net.” she smiled.

“I just need you to promise to be open with me, and never do something like this again. It’s not what he would want, he only wants you to be happy, that’s all he ever wanted.” Her tears threatened to fall, but she had to stay strong for Ethan.

“Y-You m-make me h-happy.” He mumbled. His breathing slowing as he laid into her embrace. “Alicia?”

“Yes?” She breathed.

“Please h-help me?” He stuttered, gulping as his gaze from the ceiling fell. He stared her dead in the eyes, and suddenly she was kissing him.

He wanted to be happy again, to make Cal proud.

“Always.” She smiled.

tanaka ryuunosuke deserves so much more love than he gets ok so

  • he’s not just the comic relief of the team tbh he’s the emotional backbone??? ok yes he jokes around and whatnot but there are so many instances where he tells the first years to slow down, it’s okay, he’s proud of them!! hinata was sick on him and he didn’t care, just made sure hinata was okay. he was so supportive of yamaguchi when he did his first ever jump float serve. when hinata was getting lectured by daichi and ukai for crashing the training camp, all he did was tell him that it’ll come and not to rush it, wholeheartedly believing in hinata but similarly letting him get on with it and make his own mistakes and not trying to tell him what he did was wrong because he understands the drive to want to get better! hinata even says at one point when he’s feeling down, tanaka lifts him back up
  • i feel like tanaka is that person for most of the team, especially the first years
  • even oikawa noted he has an amazing mental fortitude. he doesn’t let his failures beat him down in the moment and manages to hold everyone else up because of that!!!
  • like everyone thinks of tanaka as this comedic relief secondary character but he is so good!! and pure!!! he always gives people advice, he’s so supportive - he was the one who helped kageyama and hinata practice for their 3 on 3 against tsukishima and yamaguchi, even though it meant waking up way earlier than he was used to - he remembered exactly who hinata was at first glance and has fully supported and believed in him right from the start, he always helps people out when they need it
  • he’s not book smart, but he’s good emotionally - he’s good at handling people, at calming them down or riling them up
  • also please remember:
  • there was a time where asahi left and nishinoya was suspended and ryuu stayed. it would have been a hard time - he’s used to lifting their spirits when they’re down, but noya’s not there to bat the joke back and no one’s laughing and suddenly ryuu’s taking on the role of the ace although he’s nowhere near ready for it at this point, but he does it for the good of his team, because he has an amazing mental fortitude and doesn’t just give up when things get hard. he’s so resilient its crazy
  • his current concern is that a first year girl ran away from him when he was trying to give her directions. i might just be reading too much into this but can you not just imagine tanaka frowning about that the whole day and feeling really bad for having scared her, which is why it’s his current concern??? he doesn’t want to be scary he just wants to help?????
  • he thinks he’s uselesss!! he’s called himself useless!!! and okay, his stats are pretty average, but what tanaka brings to the table is the ability to have everyone on the team rely on him to some degree and be the one standing at the end calling for them to not mind about losing a few points
  • he loves his team. he is protective over his team. he may show it badly but only he is allowed to tease his first years. tanaka is ready to fight over this. he was ready to battle oikawa. don’t test him
  • like ok: remember when tsukishima told hinata he was not cut out to be an ace and he was READY TO FIGHT, even though he’d known hinata about a week and is said not to like people when he first meets them?
  • or the time they went to the practice match at aoba johsai and kindaichi said something like “looking forward to seeing the King’s dictatorship” and tanaka was READY TO FIGHT, even though he didn’t really know kageyama at this point and kageyama was still a lil standoffish?
  • even his joking around is (albeit unintentionally) supportive. noya and tanaka lift the mood of every sombre, too serious practice by joking around and getting themselves into trouble and reminding everyone not to get too het up about it, because otherwise they’ll just get worse as their frustrations get deeper
  • he’s so good!!!!
  • he might joke around a lot but that doesn’t mean that’s all he’s good for… actually in my opinion the team would fall apart without tanaka there right now. he is SO important, perhaps not in the game sense way, or the technique way, or the strategising way, but in the supportive way
  • basically i need to stop rambling this is too long but:
  • love tanaka ryuunosuke. he’s so much more important than people give him credit for
Anxiety and Retirement

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about Yuuri’s feelings towards retirement. Last night my TL was filled with worried fans, alongside those excited about the defacto proposal. And seeing that, compiled with the preview for episode 10 have built up quite a bit of emotion in me. So, I’m just going to spill my opinions here. This is just how I view the situation. It’s my thoughts on how it might be handled. It could very well go in a different direction, but I’ve found my thoughts different from some of the others I’ve seen tackling this issue. I thought it a good idea to add in another viewpoint to the mess.

One of the things I really want to address is Yuuri’s anxiety. It’s something very real in the series, brought up by Yuuko early on, and seen affecting Yuuri in many ways. From his failures after the GPF last year due to his inabilities to cope with losing and Vicchan’s death to the explosion in episode 7 and so much more. I feel like the moments his anxiety is obviously explored are very clear to the fandom. I’ve seen a lot of people with anxiety expressing how clear a portrayal of the disorder Yuuri is. As a sufferer myself, I have to agree.

And that brings me to something. I feel like there are parts of Yuuri’s anxiety that are maybe downplayed, or less noticed, that greatly affect some of the recent moments we’ve had. And that is Negative Thinking. Yuuri is a clear case of this. He says it himself.

Yuuri got into the GPX, yes, but it was essentially on a technicality. The only reason he was granted invite over Michele was due to the fact he had a Silver in China. That’s it. And that… that can’t feel good. That is not something to be proud of. That’s a feeling of failure because, really, do I deserve this chance now? You can see it in his desperate search for comfort after the medal ceremony. It’s a funny scene, dead-eye Yuuri running around hugging people, Yurio running away, but it’s also so, so sad to me. Yuuri is looking for something he can’t find. Release from his anxiety.

Release he finds in Victor’s arms. From that first hug before Eros until now, Victor has been the one there to abate Yuuri’s anxiety when it flares up. He’s made it this far and built so much confidence, but that’s the problem with anxiety. You can build and build and build, and then that one things comes in and tears it all down in a moment. The next time you rebuild, you have a pattern, a blue print, and it’s easier, but that doesn’t negate the fact that for those moments you feel hopeless and lost all over again.

And that’s, in my opinion, where Yuuri was as he stood outside on the street in episode 9. His thoughts during the skate, about Victor understanding, about not wanting to make Victor’s work look like it was for naught, all nagging in his mind and being consumed by a cloud of anxiety over the ‘I don’t actually deserve this. I’m not even as good as I was last year, when I got in and wanted to skate on the same ice as Victor, and I have him by me and I’m still this useless.’

So, he feels he’s done and over with, he can’t move up. He just keeps falling. He wants that gold, but either way it’s it. He’s done with because, look at him, he’s failing even now. He’ll let Victor go, because obviously he’s wasted on him, no matter how much Yuuri wants to keep him. It’s selfish.

And Yurio comes and literally kicks him out of it. And tells Yuuri to buck up. Something he’s heard before. He’s heard that he shouldn’t be this upset before. He’s heard don’t retire – from Mooroka, from Minami – and he shakes back to life a little.

But then, then he goes home. And there is Victor. Those arms he was so desperately searching for. Waiting, open, rushing for him. And he flings himself into those arms. And immediately Victor tells Yuuri he was thinking about him, how he can be a better coach to him, what he can do for him. And Yuuri wants that, but didn’t he also just make a choice? To retire and let Victor go? That’s the best course of action, isn’t it? But for a moment, he’s selfish, and please god, at least until I make it official I gave up, stay with me. Take care of me, because you do it in so much more than skating, and I need that. Because once he says he’s done, will Victor go? Back to Russia? Done and gone? He’s just here to coach me through GPF, isn’t he?

But then Victor says those words. Those few words Yuuri so desperately needed to hear. I want to stay with you, forever. I don’t want to leave. Don’t stop, keep going, so I can stay with you. It sounds like a proposal, I hear what you are saying behind the guise of skating, and I get it. I truly do, Yuuri.

And those tears in his eyes. They could be for many reasons, because he was so sure about it all ending and he’s changed his mind, he’d gotten confidence back, or because he’s shook by finally, finally feeling affirmed that Victor is his. He’s not seducing the playboy anymore, he’s caught him, fully, entirely. Or it could be because he’s scared that he’ll say he still wants to stop and maybe Victor’s mind will change. Because that’s what anxiety is. A monster haunting you and stopping you from processing that things can be good and okay.

And in the next episode there will be a talk of some sort. And we see that church and those soft looks and I can only hope, that in those moments, maybe they have both grown enough to admit to wanting to stay by each other, never leaving, without the idea of skating. Because then, either way, they will grow stronger. Yuuri will be able to skate, without the anxiety that if he doesn’t do well enough, this will be it with Victor. That his love, in regards to his love, it is truly about him now, not just the skate. About YUURI, the one on the ice, not the ice itself.

So all this, all these muddled feelings, mixed with the possibility of a second season existing, this makes me think it’s not the end for Yuuri. That he will fight down that monster and keep going. Because as much as he seems okay with winning and ending, I know that fire in his expression when Minami told him to keep going, I know those haunted thoughts that stop me and make me okay with stopping even if I don’t want to, and I see them in Yuuri. I don’t think he truly is okay with ending his career here. Could he and be fine? Yes. But is the desire there, deep down, to keep going and reach further heights and surprise the world and Victor more also burning in him? I certainly think so.

Wrong Number

[Annabeth Chase’s phone]

Saturday, April 26 

2:37 am [to 673729225]

Annabeth Chase (6266223842): lisen jerkfac answet you dam phoe im tryig to screm at yo
Annabeth Chase: do yu kmpw how hasrd id too typr rifht now?
Annabeth Chase: JERK FUCKING CHEATER
Annabeth Chase: ITA GOID THFNG WE BROKEE UPI BECASUSER YOU PROBLY HVE A STDSDD
Annabeth Chase: aND A Small DICK
Annabeth Chase: youuARE A FCKING ASDHOLES

9:46 am

673729225:  so, um, hey, you kind of left me a voice message yesterday?
673729225:  Weeeell, maybe a few and some texts but i think you got the wrong number, you see unless i have been living a lie my whole life my name is not ryan?
673729225: so yeah, wrong number

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Here we are, Chapter 2

Here ya go @atomi-cat and everyone else that’s reading this! Enjoy! :)

Jack’s smile soon disappeared as he rushed along, not wanting waste more time. He had lied to his friends. They didn’t hang out with Sans and Papyrus in the land of the Dead. They would hang out at Sans’ favorite bar, Grillby’s afterhours just so that the owner didn’t think Sans was adding more to his tab and losing him even more money. He sighed. He was just lucky Sans had gone along with it. Now, if he could just get the others to land of the Living and get Sans to bring Frisk… things could get interesting. That idea grew in Jack’s head and it almost consumed him. It was exciting. He had a feeling one certain hot-head would like this little human. He giggled at his own joke. Hot-head.

         It was the day that Jack had been waiting for. He had coordinated with Sans and Papyrus, and they were going to bring Frisk. He and Manny were the first two at Grillby’s. Next, came Manolo. Then Brook. Next was Lewis and Daniel. And finally, the two skelebros and their… where was she? “Sup guys?”

         “Hello, Sans!” Brook greeted him, cheerful as usual.

         Sans immediately drew attention off of himself, “Hey guys, listen.” Everyone got ‘dead’ silent. “We brought someone with us today.”

         “Ok, yeah, so?” Lewis sounded annoyed already.

         “Well if you’re gonna act so nonchalant about the whole thing I might as well show you guys who she is now. Her name is Frisk.” He snapped his fingers and the girl from yesterday appeared next to him. She looked around for a moment, looked at them, turned to Sans, and asked:

         “Sans, who are these guys?”

         Sans began to point, “Manolo, Brook, Manny, Jack,”

         “I already know who Jack is, dummy.” She rolled her eyes. Sans laughed and continued.

         “Daniel, and Lewis.” Sans finished, but then added, “just be careful how often you use puns. Me and Brook love ‘em, and everyone else except Lewis and Pap can take ‘em in small amounts. Pap you know doesn’t like puns, but Lewis takes that to an extreme level almost.”

         Frisk looked confused, “It can’t be too bad… can it?”

         Daniel, despite having no lower jaw, burst into laughter, “yh rght. G hed, try.”

         Lewis’ hair, which was made of fire, flared up slightly as he glared at Daniel. “Oh I won’t just try. I’ll make loads of puns, and I’ll nail ‘em. Y’know why? Because I’m a natural-BONE comedian!”

         Sans hugged Frisk extra tight while Brook laughed and shouted “Skull Joke!” and gave her a high five when Sans let her go.

         “Oh Dios mío…” Manny already knew this girl would make things a lot more interesting.

         “You done?” Lewis spoke again. Frisk nodded. “Thank god. And hey, if you’re gonna-what the?! Deadbeats! Get back here!” the three pink ghosts headed straight for Frisk and seemed interested as to why she was here.

         “Hi!” Frisk began to talk to them, and they chirped right back. “What are you?”

         “They’re my Deadbeats. Can I have them back?” Lewis was now standing with his arms crossed.

         “But they’re so cute!” Frisk was smiling and the pink ghosts smiled right back, chirping and investigating her, acting particularly interesting in the locket around her neck, with it being shiny.

         “Wowie, human! They really seem to like you! I wonder why?” Papyrus began to think about it, like it was a puzzle that needed to be solved.

         “I dunno Pap,” Frisk turned to Lewis, “Do you know?”

         Lewis just stared for a moment, looking at this adorable little girl messing around with his pink ghost… companions of sorts, and it was just… adorable. “Um… Lewis…? You okay?” he heard Sans talking. “Lewis~ Kid, I think ya broke Lewis. Or, there’s another theory I have. I think he might’ve ‘overheated’.” He began snickering.

         Lewis broke out of his trance and glared at Sans, “I can’t overheat Sans, I’m dead. And, that was terrible.”

         “All my puns are tear-ible. Like paper.” Sans began laughing harder, and Lewis fired up some more.

         “Sans, I would stop.” Frisk poked Sans.

         “Why, kid? I’m on a roll.” Sans could barely contain his laughter.

         “Sans-” Frisk began. But it was too late.

         Finally, Lewis had burst and aimed magenta flames straight at Sans, but they were stopped. Frisk had put up a red energy shield with her determination and protected her brother. “Not today, sucker.” She disarmed the shield and stared at Lewis, the deadbeats behind her.

         “How did you-? What the-?” Lewis was confused.

         “Determination, that’s how.”

         “What?”

         “My soul, ya dope.” Frisk summoned her ruby red soul, “This is what created that shield.” She made her soul vanish again. “It’s also what helped me free those two.” She pointed at Sans and Papyrus.

         “Human… do you think we should go home? Haven’t we caused enough trouble?” Papyrus asked nervously, eyeing Lewis.

         “Really Papyrus? One accident and you’re asking her if she wants to go home? Stay awhile. You just got here, what? Ten minutes ago?” Manny stopped Papyrus.

         “Alright… I guess we could stay a bit longer.” Papyrus stopped staring at Lewis and relaxed, slightly.

         “Just… try not to make more puns, alright Sans?” Manolo spoke for the first time tonight. “At least, not around Lewis, okay?” Sans nodded and everyone seemed to relax, now that he had agreed to let Lewis ‘cool down’ a bit. Jack figured this was how it would go. Maybe without the fiery violence, but otherwise, it was accurate. All was well. For now.

Preference - You’re Insecure About Your Body

This is like my first time doing smth like this on tumblr so don’t like bash me or anything, and by “ You’re Insecure About Your Body “ I mean parts of not just weight bc there’s other types and yeah this is super long and i’m srry but i think it’s worth is so thx pls read

Luke : Acne

Luke knocked at the door and reminded you that you’ve been in the bathroom for twenty minutes, you were getting ready for bed and wiping off all your makeup when you were blatantly reminded of all the imperfections on your face. Particularly the acne which seemed to be all over your face, you always were conscious about your face in general but it was the Acne you couldn’t do anything about. You’d tried every cream and oil and recipe you had been recommended but nothing had worked and your frustration was turning on yourself. 

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azuresquirrel  asked:

I do this because I want to be helpful and not selfishly get fic for my OTPS, not at all. Femslash February prompt: Rei/Usagi. Rei hates her birthday. Usagi wants to fix that. Usagi gets Rei something she is sure she will love. It's tickets to a Takarazuka musical. Rei is Less Than Amused. Take it from there.

Apparently this was the best prompt ever. Also apparently I REALLY LOVE writing Rei and Usagi. As a result, this fic is TWICE AS LONG as that other one. And I even did light research for it. You unleashed a monster.

Surprise!

It was widely known among her friends that Rei wasn’t overly fond of her birthday, even if nobody knew exactly why. The reason was simple. It was her designated “day” to spend with her father, but he usually sent someone else in his place unless it was campaign season or something was going on politically and he was trying to play up the family man angle. Rei had picked up on that pattern fairly quickly and decided to avoid the birthday dinner as much as she could. Unfortunately, her father was as tenacious as she was, so that didn’t always work.

So her preferred activity on her birthday was finding the best hiding place in Tokyo and leading some hapless assistant on a merry chase. But becoming friends with Usagi had thrown a wrench in that. She was always trying to plan some sort of get-together and Rei always had to get out of it somehow. She didn’t want to explain it to her and other girls, and she sure as hell didn’t want to see their reactions if the party got crashed by some suit keen on kidnapping her.

Usagi had been suspiciously quiet this year, though. She was probably planning a surprise party. Well, she’d have no one to surprise, thought Rei as she got up early the morning of the big day, preparing to make her usual escape.  She felt a twinge of guilt over that, but it was quickly smothered when she reminded herself that this would just mean Usagi would have free cake to enjoy. The other girls would rally and just throw the party for Usagi instead to make up for her disappointment.

With all the essentials packed in a tote bag- manga, snacks, money, homework to do, a hat and glasses to put on to disguise herself if need be-she left the shrine. Only to find someone waiting at the bottom of the steps.

Usagi?” Rei could hardly believe her eyes. She looked up at the dark sky and back at odango-haired goon standing there with a big grin. “What are you doing? It’s early.” She wondered if Usagi had just somehow not noticed this, and as soon as Rei reminded her she’d drop back to sleep, right there.

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siamonbonhon  asked:

Bokuto, Kuroo, Oiwaka, Iwaizumi and Tsukki cheering up their s/o after a really shitty day please! :3 I love you blog so much! And I'm so hyped to be able to request something! Please keep de great work up! (*´꒳`*)

I’mma do Bokuto and Tsukki okies? And ty <3

There’s nothing worse than having a bad day, one thing after another going wrong. For Bokuto Koutaro’s partner, it was simple things throughout the whole day. It started from forgetting to iron their uniform the night before, sleeping through the alarm, forgetting breakfast and being scolded by their teacher. Not only that, forgetting the wrong lunch and ending up eating their least favourite sandwich, then finding out they had left their phone at home. The last class was P.E. and they ended up scraping their knee badly and skipping out on the class to the nurse who wasn’t even in.

(Name) sighed as they opened the door to their house, letting their bag just fall off their shoulders and flop with a loud thud on the ground. Exhausted and utterly drained, they slipped their shoes off and trudged up the stairs.

“Hi”

Came a whisper from the living room.

It was barely audible.

(Name) turned white and instantly backtracked and stared into the living room.

They glared at their dorky boyfriend who had just given them heart palpitations and was on the verge of needing an ambulance.

“OH MY GOD YOU MASSIVE DORK YOU COULD LET ME KNOW YOU WERE THERE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE AN AXE MURDERER OH MY G-“

Before (Name) could go any further, Koutaro launched himself on them in an embrace.

“I MISSED YOU”

He cried, nuzzling his head into their neck.

“YOU WEREN’T REPLYING TO MY MESSAGES AND CALLS AND I THOUGHT I DID SOMETHING WRONG SO I CAME HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE – oh and your mother let me in, she told you to clean your room – AND I MISSED YOU”

(Name) couldn’t help but smile at him as he kissed them on the cheek and continued to snuggle into them.

“I’m sorry, I left my phone at home. It’s been a horrible day. I’ve missed you too. I’m… actually really glad you’re here, despite you giving me a heart attack. Up until now it’s been dreadful, I think I’ve got a massive spike of bad luck.”

Sighing, (Name) wrapped their arms around him and couldn’t help but feel relieved with Koutaro’s arms surrounding their waist. They listened to his heartbeat and felt the warmth from his body.

“That’s awful! I’ll make it up to you, let’s go have fun, shall we?”

“What do have in mind?”

“How about… We go to your favourite restaurant and I’ll treat you”

“You don’t have to treat me”

“WELL TOO BAD, YOU SHOULD HAVE READ THE FINE PRINT BEFORE GOING OUT WITH ME”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“Hey… (Name) go get changed and we’ll go”

“You’re such a dweeb”

Chuckling, Koutaro let them go and kissed them on the forehead. As (Name) went up the stairs, they felt a tug on their shirt.

“Hey. Although you’ve had a bad day, let me make it up to you, okay? I love you and I want you to be happy, and hey, let’s make today a better day”

Smiling and blushing, (Name) nodded and continued up the stairs, while Koutaro grinned and hummed to himself, proud that he made his partner smile.

(Name) walked into their room and had to stare for a moment. Their room was completely clean. From their books that were scattered on the floor to the windows sparkly clean. Blinking, (Name) cautiously walked into the tidied room and noticed a note on the bed.

‘HEY I’M SORRY IF I’VE UPSET YOU AND I TIDIED YOUR ROOM. I LOVE YOU. I’LL MAKE YOU HAPPY I PROMISE. - (hopefully still) YOUR AMAZING BOYFRIEND’

He really was the best cure for bad days.

Tsukishima Kei:

After a seemingly long and horrid day, there was nothing worse to top it off with than a sudden torrential downpour of rain. (Name) groaned as they were soaked to the bone, they found a bus shelter and was currently hiding in it. They sighed and shivered lightly, going through the day they just had. There was a buzz in their pocket and they took their phone out. It was their boyfriend, the tsun tsun bean pole, Tsukishima Kei.

“Hello”

“Hello, (Name). Where are you?”

“Straight to the point, a simple hello then into the fray. Where’s those ‘how are you’ moments, I miss those.”

“…”

“I’m kidding! I’m currently under the bus stop near the park. I’m caught in the rain. I fear I may die out here.”

“…”

“Seriously though, I am so done with this day… The whole world has turned against me.”

(Name) talked about their day and their inconveniences. On the other line, there was no reply except for a bit of background noise. (Name) didn’t mind, this was what usually happened when they were on the phone together. Unless there was urgent news, Kei never talked the most, he preferred to hear (Name)’s voice.

After about 5 minutes of (Name) bringing him up to date on their misfortunes of the day, they sighed.

“So yeah. That’s my day. How’s yours so far?”

“Mm. Can’t complain. It’s not been as bad as yours”

“That’s good at least. So what are you doing?”

“I’m looking right at you”

“What”

“Hello”

Looking around, (Name) then spotted the familiar figure. He had came out with a large umbrella and a spare hoodie. He walked closer to him and smirked at their surprised face.

“Are you alright?”

The smirk went away when he noticed (Name) didn’t say anything. His eyes widened when tears began to form. (Name) reached forward and held him in an embrace. Their emotions overflowed as they couldn’t help but feel so grateful for Kei being in their life.

“T-thank you for coming out here for me”

They managed, tears beginning to fall.

“You’ve had a stressful day. It’s okay. Let it out”

He said, holding onto them with one arm. He squeezed a little tightly as (Name) just stood in silence just feeling like the whole day’s problems just vanished.

“Better?”

He said as (Name) stepped back a little, just to see his face.

A small embarrassed smile appeared on (Name)’s lips.

“Yes”

“Good. Now get off me, you’re wet”

Grinning, (Name) accepted the hoodie he had for them and slipped it on.

“Let’s go back to mine for a while, we’ll get you warm and we’ll watch that stupid TV show you like”

“You don’t like it though”

“But you do. I’ll watch it if it makes you feel better”

A smile couldn’t help but grace (Name)’s face as Kei entwined his fingers with theirs. He always knew what to do when they weren’t feeling good, he knew what to say and he knew how to make them happy.

“Thank you, Kei. Thanks for being with me”

They kissed him on the cheek and he averted his gaze. A light blush appearing on his face.

“… It’s nothing…”

Fukin tsundere bastard

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SUDDENLY NEED???

YOUR LIE IN APRIL AU.

Adrien Agreste is a piano prodigy. From a very young age, he always showed an affinity for it, so his mother, also a piano prodigy, taught him how to play. as Adrien grew older, he entered and won many competitions. He was well known in the musical world by the age of 10. He didn’t play piano for the fame though—he played bc it made his mother happy. she would always smile, kiss his forehead, and tell him how proud she was of him. she’s tell him that he played beautifully or gently correct his mistakes during rehearsals. He loved every moment of it. And when he was on stage, it amplified tenfold. Hearing the audience clap and then seeing his mother grinning at him widely from the front row, eyes glistening with happy tears always gave him a rush.

but then, when he was 12, his mother’s health started to deteriorate. his father, Gabriel, started to smile less and less. worry lines creased his forehead and his shoulders seemed to slump forward every time they approached Adrien’s mother’s hospital room. She wasn’t strong enough to go to his performances anymore or help him with his rehearsals. She was too sick. So Adrien made her a promise, in his next performance, he’d get someone to record it so that she could listen to him play. It always made her smile, always made her feel better. so maybe, just maybe, if he plays good enough it’ll help his mother heal and get out of the hospital.

she died the night before and Adrien broke. He almost didn’t play, but he promised himself he’d do it for his mother, that hopefully she’s be able to hear him from Heaven. But in the middle of his piece, he fell apart and couldn’t play anymore. Tears blurred his vision and his hands shook too much. So he hid his face away and curled against the piano keys and cried and cried and cried. The audience was concerned, surprised, disappointed. Adrien was disqualified from the competition. He broke both his promises to his mother.

Gabriel started making himself scarce around the house. Business trips that lasted months at a time. It was his way of coping, Adrien told himself. The house had been chosen and decorated by his mother. Every inch of it was her. It’s a no wonder Gabriel couldn’t stand to stay in the house for more than a week. Adrien tried to keep playing his mother’s favorite pieces, but Gabriel yelled at him in a pathetic, drunken rage and frightened his son. Eventually, Adrien stopped playing piano, Gabriel left for work again with a silent apology. Adrien was alone.

Years later, at the age of 16, the pain of his mother’s passing and his father’s continued absence was still as sharp as ever, but he had long since learned how to manage it. Adrien hadn’t touched a piano key in a long time, nor did he believe he’d have the courage to every again, but that was okay. He had accepted it. Adrien had always been a softly spoken boy, and his father’s name in both the music and fashion world often intimidated Adrien’s peers so he didn’t have many friends. But then one day, Alya, the only girl he knows well asked him to accompany her to the park after school.

“I have a really cute friend,” Alya said, “and she’d really like to meet Nino, but I don’t want to be stuck as the third wheel so I need you to come with me!” He goes reluctantly.

That’s how he meets Marinette. He gets to the park ahead of Nino and Alya, and stumbles across a girl he vaguely remembers from the hallways of his school. She was swinging on the bars with a couple of kids, rousing them into a playfully competitive game. When she laughed at one of the children’s antics, Adrien was enraptured.

Marinette was definitely cute, and outgoing, and adventurous, and silly, and all the kinds of things Adrien hadn’t experienced since he was a kid. She was a splash of color in vibrant pinks, reds, and blues against the monochrome background of his life. He couldn’t look away. And when she smiled at him, an emotion playing in her eyes that he couldn’t quite identify, he felt warm for the first time since his mother.

anonymous asked:

I wanted to ask the super general question of what you like about Simon and Kieren's relationship. Is there something specific you enjoy about it or is it the whole thing or did it evolve (or something idk I'm bad at asking questions but I'd really like to know /0\)?

Okay I was going to answer this dayyyys ago when Greenberg did, but then I realized this is basically going to be a novel because you are, surprisingly, the very first person to ask me this so you’re going to get the full novel. So grab some tea, have a seat, and get comfortable.

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anonymous asked:

You know what I can imagine? Writer!Derek and college student!stiles who just moved into a downtown apartment in nyc, across the county from everyone they know and Derek had a deadline for an article/book and stiles has a midterm the next day and they both procrastinated so now they're sitting on their couch (well, stiles laying across it with his feet across Derek's lap and the computer laying over them) and studying/working together. Idk I just love that idea

Okay, I saw “writer!Derek” and immediately got excited because listen, writer!Derek is literally my favorite thing and I can’t even tell you how much I love it.

Anyway, I got distracted from the stormpilot fic I’m writing because of this ask and then this sort of just happened.

Also, I feel like this post by @sterekseason would interest you.

“– This is the ability to influence or control others based on bla bla bla…

Stiles had been staring at the same string of words for the past several minutes, none of it actually registering in his brain and none of it being written down in the notebook he had opened on the other half of the textbook resting in his lap. With a heavy sigh, he lifted his gaze from the stupid words and over to Derek, who was his personal foot pillow currently, on the other side of the couch.

Derek’s laptop was resting on top of Stiles’ legs, the bottom hot but not unpleasantly, and the light from the screen illuminating Derek’s concentrated face. His fingers were moving over the keyboard in a slow pace, mostly just an annoyed press of the backspace every few minutes, and his eyes moved from the screen to his fingers constantly.

See, while they were both doing much better after having moved to New York and left the horror in Beacon Hills behind, there was still one thing that constantly bothered them: procrastination.

Stiles, a proud college student, had a midterm the very next day, and Derek, writer of two published novels with a third on the way, had a deadline for a chapter coming up. And neither of them had really done anything, because they kept getting distracted.

They had had a whole bunch of great impromptu sex and several movie marathons over the past week, which Stiles claimed was productive in itself, but which Derek reminded him wasn’t the right kind of productive.

So with Stiles’ grades and Derek’s editor’s rage looming over them, they were sat on the couch in their downtown NYC apartment, both in their sweats and loose shirts, and both trying very hard not to get distracted. Again.

Except, Stiles couldn’t focus.

“Hey, Derek, are you-”

“No.”

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