I’ve seen so many articles and posts on “how to date someone with BPD”, or worse “warning signs your partner has BPD” or “how to recover from dating someone with BPD”. But I could only find ONE article giving advice to people WITH BPD in relationships. So, I’ve made my own. Here are some tips on maintaining a good relationship when YOU have BPD:
Be open. I know you’ll be scared that if you’re too honest, you’ll scare the partner away. But you need to be truthful, or you’ll end up bottling things up, and then they explode.
Saying that, sometimes it’s okay not to express your fears. Small fears such as how your partner hasn’t texted back as fast as normal, don’t need to be expressed when they occur. Once you’ve calmed down, take the time to express it. Say “It makes me a bit sad when you don’t reply fast, but I understand that sometimes that happens” This way, your partners understands your fears, but also knows that you understand their limits too. Sometimes our fears are small and go away if we wait, so take a minute to thing logically (if you can).
It’s okay to show symptoms! Don’t be mad at yourself if you have a mood swing in front of your partner, it;s not your fault
Avoid expressing when you’re splitting. It’s hard not to let every things out when we’re mad and splitting, but try not to if you can. Try and suppress for a little time and express your feelings once you’ve settled. This way you can express them neutrally, without bias, and make sense when you do so.
Keep reminders of your partner’s care for you. Screen shot texts and keep them in a folder. When you feel unloved or the person isn’t responding, read through these to remind yourself that they love you
Ask your partner to give you small reminders. Ask “every now and again, can you remind me you love me?”. This isn’t a big ask- a small text once a day is not manipulative or needy, and your partner should be ahppy to as this makes you happy
Set guidelines. It’s okay to have certain things you get paranoid about. Tell your partner that there are some things you don’t like- e.g. “I don’t like it when you use full stops, it makes me think you’re angry, could you avoid doing so? I understand if you mess up though.” A relationship is about caring for each other and making each other comfortable, so your partner should be ahppy to make small changes to make you happy, just as you’ll make small changes to make them happy!
Be prepared to compensate. Sometimes we get paranoid about things that we just have to let happen. We get worried when our partner talks about other people, when they see other people. It’s okay to express this, but we have to learn that we can’t stop our partners doing this. This is hard, and something I struggle with myself, but it’s needed to make our partners feel comfortable. If your partner is out doing something you don’t like, distract yourself.
Find someone else, with BPD is best, to vent to. I have a close friend or 2 who I vent my worries to, and they have BPD as well. They understand and validate my fears, so that I don’t feel needy or mean. This way you can express these fears without controlling and hurting your partner. E.g. I say to my friends “My partner is seeing his ex today. I get that’s his right to but it’s pissing me off and I just wanted to tell someone.”
Remind yourself it’s okay to express yourself. Telling your partner you’re scared they’re going to leave you isn’t automatically abusive or manipulative, it’s true.Tell them you feel suicidal isn’t manipulative, you deserve support and love.
When splitting, learn to distance yourself. If you notice you’re splitting for an unfair reason, it’s okay to distance yourself. It’s okay to walk out a room, to stop replying for a minute to compose yourself. This way, you won’t lash out, and you can avoid getting more angry. Inform your partner you are splitting, so they can give you space.
Don’t let yourself be invalidated. If your parter says something invalidating, mean, or hurtful, tell them. We get scared that if we tell our partners they hurt us they may leave, but it’s important not to let our partners hurt us.
Tell your partner about your BPD- and if not that- about your symptoms. Tell them you split (you sometimes hate people for no reason), tell them you have abandonment fears (get scared they’ll leave you). This way your partner can adapt and help you. Give them tips to help you. e.g. “If I’m scared you’ll leave me, tell me you love me, and tell me why you love me”
Learn to say sorry. Sometimes we lash out, sometimes we get irrational and hurt our partners. this may not be our fault, but it is our responsibility. Learn to say “I’m sorry I lashed out”.
You deserve someone who’s willing to help you. You deserve someone who is willing to send you little messages, who is willing to validate and support you. Don’t settle for someone who gets mad at you for your mood swings or invalidates your feelings. We deserve a kind, loving, supporting relationship as much as anyone else.
Peaceful mornings at the Skywalker residence. Sorry I was too lazy to google a more legit prosthetic.
EDIT: This is way too late and probably futile, but for the record, this comic takes place in a domestic Earth AU.
The Barefoot College in Tilonia, Rajasthan was started by an Indian man named Bunker Roy. The organization is essentially a college that teaches women from all over the world (but primarily “developing” countries) how to be solar engineers.
That’s right. Solar engineers.
Classes are attended by local women and women from Peru, Fiji, Rwanda, Nepal, Belize, Ethiopia, Bhutan, and more who are illiterate or semi-literate. Most of them are from rural and poverty-stricken areas. The school does not take attendance, have exams, demand their students speak English or have prior education, and does not ask for fees. These women learn how to make solar panels and bulbs, how to plug them into an electrical grid, and how to provide clean renewable energy to their entire village. They then take this knowledge back to their hometowns in distant countries.
How are they taught without a common language? Everything technical is color coded. The women learn important words “LED, wire cutter, copper, connection, etc.” They communicate through common sense and the desire to learn. The college accepts anyone and everyone, mothers, lower castes (still an ongoing problem in India), older women, young women, women who have never attended school, married women.
Since 2004, the College has taught at least 250 women from 41 different low-industrial countries to be solar engineers. 5 out of their 8 engineer professors are women. 35 out of 200 workers are physically disabled. The BC is currently powering both their own facility, homes in nearby villages and towns, and their former students are powering homes all across the world from wisdom and materials imported from the BC. Their local villages pay their salary.
Roy did try to teach both men and women, but they didn’t stay in the harsh conditions or wanted jobs that paid more (as the BC doesn’t hand out “official” diplomas or degrees). Eventually, the college became largely female. “Why not invest in women, older women, mature women, gutsy women who have roots in the village?” Roy said.
I cannot emphasize how amazing this organization is. The Barefoot College is a safe and accepting place for anyone who wants to learn about clean and renewable energy. It encourages women’s empowerment, helps them out of poverty, and provides solar energy to places where the prices of kerosene and batteries are excessively high.
Sources (please look over them as there are more pictures and I could never do justice to how incredible this entire thing is with just my own words): [x][x][x][x][x][Bunker’s Ted Talk][Donate]
Your name is JADE. You have just woken from a restful nap, and as usual, you have no recollection of having fallen asleep. You have quite a number of INTERESTS. So many in fact, you have trouble keeping track of them all, even with an assortment of COLORFUL REMINDERS on your fingers to help you sort out everything on your mind.
Q: Adam, a large part of your character, uh, you were in what looks like to me an impossible costume to have to perform in. Kylo has no peripheral vision, you have a slit that you’re peering through about that big, how did that work out for you?
Black Mirror is a British anthology series that focuses on how technology intersects with our lives and what kind of darkness can result from it. The show isn’t old people complaining about why modernity is bad, but just explores the darker side of our relationship with technology as it impacts our lives. Its very raw, very chilling, and incredibly honest. Though its basically a sci-fi, its set up to be incredibly close to how we’re living now. In certain episodes, you can practically see how the episode’s reality could be ours even tomorrow. Since each episode has a different cast, story, and setting, you don’t even need to watch them in order and you can skip any episode that makes you feel uncomfortable.
There are six episodes, with at least two more confirmed to be made this year. Robert Downey Jr. even expressed interest in making one of the episodes (The Entire History of You) into a film. There’s also an episode that features Hayley Atwell and Domhnall Gleeson, two tumblr favorites, in a story that’s been compared to the movie Her in terms of themes.
Since some of the episodes are more chilling and shocking than others, if you have any doubts or concerns about triggers, I welcome you to come to me and ask. I would be happy to let you know what triggers a certain episode may have so you know if you need to skip it. However the show has yet to do any of the usual triggers (rape, gratuitous violence, gore, drugs, etc) since it relies on raw reality to shock you. Most episodes aren’t scary like a horror movie (perhaps one I can think of is), so you don’t need to worry about any jump-shots or monsters or gore. Just really tense moments that have you holding your breath wondering what they’re going to do next.