it’s andrew giving in to an impulse he’s been fighting off because he knows deep down kissing neil would not be anything like kissing roland. because he cares about neil and he hates it but he knows that there’s no turning back now
it’s neil figuring out that he really does wantthis but still unsure if it’s worth the risk
it’s andrew saying ‘tell me no’ and neil not saying anything because he’s kind of in the middle of a crisis and he wants to kiss andrew, he doesn’t want to say ‘no’ but he can’t say ‘yes’ yet either
and it’s andrew pushing neil away even though he doesn’t tell him ‘no’ because he didn’t say ‘yes’ either and he knows that even if he had neil isn’t in any state of mind to be able to give consent
that kiss on the roof is the start of everything and andrew is terrified of falling but he’s really too late to stop it
I have to constantly keep myself busy because if I don’t, I start to think about us, and I make up reasons why we should be back together, and then when I realize that we aren’t going to be, I crawl into bed and try to fall asleep. At least in my sleep you and I can be together and everything is okay again.
My friends don’t understand how badly I need them to be around me or else I’ll just end up crawling back to you.
you have a tic where you click your tongue a few times in a row during class and it’s really loud so I can tell you get embarrassed by the looks u get. just becaus I’m an idiot though and like seeing you smile I end up drumming on the table to start a jam session with ur clicks as the baseline and we sound awesome man ayyy
I like to bet the odds of how many tics I’ll have in a spell every once in a while just because I like money&gambling but ur stupit ass always guesses right and it pisses me the hell off because im the one with the tic so how do u even know this what thenfuck
your tic involves shaking your head back and forth and sometimes u hit me with your hair but I don’t rly mind cause its hella pretty and ur hairflip motion is A1
also i can see you get embarrassed by it and apologize but i like shamelessly flirting with you and joke that if I had hair like that I’d ‘flip it around all day too’ cause it makes u snort and smile
I have those really frustrating tics where I feel the need to curse unstoppably & of course it’s in the middle of a test when the room is deadass silent so I’m jus sittin here whispering “fuck” to myself over and over and I can see you noticing me but apparently not really noticing bc you just circled an answer on your paper saying “same"
I didn’t know you had tourettes even though we kinda share looks all the time in art class, so when I held up my piece to show you it you grimaced/rolled your eyes and immediately mouthed a big apology and all I can do is laugh cause hey, your pretty cute when you’re embarrassed
you never eat much around people because you hum when you do and it’s embarrassing, but I didn’t know that so when I forced you to try some of my cooking I had to admit, I just thought you liked it a whole lot man I was super happy
the tics I get spasm my shoulder muscles and they’re really fucking annoying sometimes so I get frustrated and you always think it’s funniest thing to hear me cursing the hell out of everything when I go into a spell when it’s NOT– I hate it and I hate yuo and stop making me laugh so hard while this happening YOU’RE NOT HELPING
Sam woke from a deep sleep and his heart was still fluttering. It had been so real. Your arms were around his neck again. He had breathed in your smell. The sound of your voice, instantly soothing away any anxiety, and your laugh lifting his spirit. He had crashed into bed fully clothed and now he was thankful. He was able to jump up out of bed and search.
He rushed through the bunker ending up in the library, hoping against all hope that you would be sitting on the floor in front of the fire with a book and a cup of tea, warming your toes in their thick woolen socks. You would look up with a smile and your eyes would be sparkling, like they always did, more than anyone he had ever known.
But he was met only with an empty room and a cold hearth. There was no sign of your boots near the bottom of the stairs where you always kicked them off. No coat on the coat hook. The flowers in the vase in the corner were dried and dead, the water molding the stems, but still he refused to throw them out.
It was a cruel realization and he felt his heart breaking into even smaller pieces. It had felt so real but it was only a cheap fabrication in his mind. You were still gone, and the emptiness settled in more deeply.