ok this is my last one i promise

Realest Fucking Panic! Lyrics Ever
  • i need a little sympathy to sore my insecurities
  • our consciences are always so much heavier than our egos, i set my expectations high so nothing ever comes out right
  • should’ve known right from the start you can’t predict the end
  • and being blue is better than being over it
  • you could tell me secrets that i’ll probably repeat; i’m not trying to hurt you, i just love to speak
  • fought resistance nearly my entire life
  • it’s better to burn than to fade away, it’s better to leave than be replaced
  • girls love girls and boys and love is not a choice
  • i want to complicate you, don’t let me do this to myself
  • in the sickness of you, i’m just a white blood cell fighting like hell for you
  • all of trade mistakes
  • you are taking me apart like bad glue on a get well card
  • all of the calendar lmao that whole song’s a masterpiece
  • how does a heart love if no one has noticed its presence and where does it go
  • wake up to despise a world i once loved
  • if i wake in the morning i only need two more miracles to be a saint, everything i promised everyone i’d be well i just ain’t
  • ALL OF NORTHERN DOWNPOUR JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HOLY FUCK FLYING SHIT
  • can’t take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid; sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again
  • talk to the mirror, oh choke back tears
  • im cutting my mind off, feels like my heart is going to burst
  • things have changed for me and that’s ok
Needy Puppy

Originally posted by girlmeetsyoongismixtape

Genre: Smut

By: Admin Bean

ReaderXTaehyung

Notes: Dog hybrid Au, mentions of heats, bondage, 

Words: 2,946

Summary: Your hybrid dog boyfriend is at your house when his heat starts unexpectedly, a few of the boys come to help restrain him and leave you two alone so you decide to help him out~

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baby sitters club; shawn mendes

a/n: wow, it’s been a minute hasn’t it? Here's some bad boy Shawn!! this started off as a spew of emotion by @xbetter-than-wordsx and I, and this is the final result!

importing this was a pain in the ass, but ya’ll bring me so much happiness

synopsis: she’s got to babysit, but Shawn’s got other plans for her.

Originally posted by shavvnsmendes

masterlist - more bad boy! Shawn in here

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Drawing Elle in a little dancing gown for the big day?! OK? No one tell me I can’t because look I already did. Like I could quote the heart wrenching “promise?” dialogue in the last episode but I’m a nice person.
First of my probably expanding Stranger Things stuff because how do I stop? This season doesn’t end before I say so….

anonymous asked:

nevermind my last ask lol "the right way to hunt" kys you disgusting animal hating creep. they did nothing to deserve to die.

Just posting this as an example. Please read through this and try to have an open mind. People have different ways of viewing the world. That’s totally ok. Some people hate hunting, and on the other end some are really obnoxious when it comes to hunting. But, from a biological and wildlife management standpoint, things are going to die awful deaths constantly no matter what. To ignore how cruel nature really is is to ignore reality. This doesn’t make it morally right to hunt or to abstain from hunting, it just boils down to a personal opinion. Wildlife is literally always considering that they are going to die and we can see this in their fecundity. When a frog lays a couple thousand eggs in a sitting, it’s doing so because it knows 95% of their offspring is a snack. Rabbits are similar. Deer, wild turkey, and other commonly hunted animals are almost solely funded (in management and scientific studies) by hunting dollars. Wild turkey was actually extinct for a period in NY before hunting funded a complete reintroduction of the species. That’s not me trying to make hunting seem great, it’s just a fact.

Right now hunting is significantly more environmentally friendly than eating farmed animals. Not to mention that even if you are completely vegan, when vegetable farmers harvest crops with machines they’re killing any creatures in that field. Skunks, rabbits, mice, snakes, raccoons, even bedding fawns are frequently killed when tractors harvest crops. Especially when it comes to corn and wheat raking. Even to plant large vegetable fields is taking away and fragmenting natural habitat. You can just never really know the entire journey your food is making unless it’s being harvested yourself. If you only garden and collect wild edibles then you’re about as guilt free as you can get, but that’s a nearly impossible lifestyle to keep year round. I will not criticize you for being vegan or abstaining from meat, because who am I to say what’s right and what’s wrong.

John is literally obtaining a phd in wildlife science, so based on our shared education what’s right for us is a hunter gatherer lifestyle. We don’t trophy hunt, and we eat almost everything down to the organs. I’m not just going out into the woods with a thirst for blood or just to have something on my wall. We harvested two deer last season and since have not bought an ounce of meat otherwise. The only protein we buy regularly is fish and even then we opt for bottom of the food chain fish to avoid large bioaccumulaters when possible.

Deer are especially overpopulated in our area. The problem with an overpopulation of deer is the spread of CWD (chronic wasting disease), which is extremely contagious and debilitating. In order to avoid massive population destroying diseases like that the Department of Environmental Conservation calculates a healthy amount of population to be removed through hunting. If CWD is found to be present DEC will literally send sharp shooters out to lower the population and continue testing. Geese are also extremely over populated in our area so DEC must literally put oil on goose eggs in the nest (killing the baby without the parents noticing so they don’t re-lay) to control the population.

My point is, death really is a requirement to maintain a healthy population. In places that are really lacking predators, like where I live, wildlife populations are prone to disease and starvation from too large of a population. At some point nature will take care of overpopulation. The risk of letting nature take its course (when predators are absent) is the spread of diseases that can last 5+ years just in the soil or overgrazing to the point of mass starvation. Too sheer of a drop in one population creates a domino effect among others, and eventually leads to mass death that may take years and years to recover from.

Like I said, I am not going to claim my lifestyle is better than yours or anyone else’s. I am very welcoming if you’d like to speak with me privately about your concerns and promise to be open and honest. Let’s have this conversation instead of just being mad at each other, ok? I’m sure at the very least we can find some middle ground!

My Thoughts On Jonsa and Jonerys

[SPOILERS ABOUND]

Jonsa shipper here; no need to explain how it came to be, I’m sure it’s the same as with everyone else. On-screen chemistry then wham-bam-slam. Funny thing is, I didn’t really ship anyone in GOT, and like almost everybody else, I thought J and D would end up together based on the title, but it really wasn’t relevant to me you know? I’m not going to make any metas. I’m not here to make some grand declaration that Jonsa will be end game since I don’t have that much faith in the show writers, and I tend to tread on the side of caution, plus I have a lot of could-have-been OTPs so my heart’s already taken a beating. But here’s the thing, I’ve probably read all of the Jonsa metas out there, as well as the spoiler leaks. These are just some of thought why I think J*nerys shouldn’t be quick to call canon so fast. I tried to be as objective as possible, but obviously bias will be present. No hate either on the ship. If they end up together I’m not going to spew fire out of my mouth, just that there are some things…

- First off, I believe boatb*ng will happen. I even believe J and D will fall in love. And (as bitter a pill as it to swallow) I’m also preparing from the Rhaegar and Lyanna parallels. However the leaks also say that Dany being barren gets brought up in this season. You think that little tidbit won’t factor in Jon’s decision to do the do with her? I’m not saying feelings won’t come into it, but you’d be in denial to say that Jon who’s always been afraid to father a bastard won’t be tempted by the prospect of no consequences (oh Jon how wrong you are; we all know this is gonna bite him back hard). 

- BUT, I don’t think it’s a cause for celebration that all of the above are happening in S7. If it had happened in S8, and S7 was more focused on subtly deepening the relationship between J and D (cough*likejonsa*cough), then as a js shipper, I would have been REALLY worried. Doing both the sparks and the fireworks in this season seems just fanservicey. WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT. A large part of the audience wants to see this fated prophetic romance between these two heroes after their parallel journeys. But then as I am aware of, D&D only came to know of the ending from GRRM recently. That’s why we got S6. Not saying that it’s proof that Jonsa is endgame, just that D&D set up the foundations for both ships to have a good chance of happening. As to which one is the ‘red herring’ remains to be seen.

- As I was saying, with the big tryst over and done with in S7, what’s left for J and D in S8 then? Them overcoming the barriers and perceptions of people around them to find their happily ever after? Please, ASOIAF isn’t a love story, as much as we shippers would like it to be. Plus they ain’t got no time for that with the Winter War now upon them. I’m curious to see where their ‘romance’ will go come S8.

- Here’s the other curious thing from the S8 ep 1 leaks. It’s SANSA who’s angry and mistrustful about Dany. It’s SANSA who asks Dany if she and Jon are now in love (SHE DOESN’T GIVE AN ANSWER EITHER WAY) and it’s SANSA whom Jon sought to bring aside and talk to about it. (How does this look like to you? Cause to me I find it very curious that it seems like Jon is placating Sansa. Why wouldn’t he talk to the whole Stark family about Dany? Why Sansa first?)

- And then as a cliffhanger for that episode, Jon finds out about his true parentage. See, where I’m getting at is no one knows what happens after Jon learns about his true parentage. No one has any leaks further than that. He’ll know Sansa is his cousin and Dany is his aunt. How will Jon feel that  he did the horizontal tango with his aunt? And if we JS shippers read those subliminal hints in S6 and S7 correctly, how would Jon deal with knowing Sansa isn’t really his sister? Will he come to see her differently? Has he already, and has he been avoiding or suppressing those feelings? 

- So with respect to shipping (aside from the whole identity crisis), it’s either going to be focused on his angst about his illicit love with his aunt and the dilemma of his love for her and the Stark values he was raised with, or him now possibly considering a viable marriage with Sansa Stark (bec. honestly it would solve all of their problems about rebuilding the North). MY POINT IS THIS: THE CURRENT LEAKS IN NO WAY SANK THE JONSA SHIP. Jonerys may be canon in future episodes, but they’re not necessarily endgame. It’s all up the air. We Jonerys and Jonsa shippers are all in the same boat, as much as some may not like it. 

- Finally, I admit that I was bit threatened (I’m being as honest as possible here) with the Rhaegar and Lyanna parallels to Jonerys, but to be fair Jonsa peeps, we got Ned and Cat. There has to be a suitable epic parallel for the two mains of the show. On the other hand, Rhaegar and Lyanna could also parallel Jon and Sansa respectively, what with the handsome prince (that Sansa once yearned fo), but without the courtly grace, in the Targaryen, Jon. And the renowned Stark beauty which caused a war in Sansa. I mean the original outline had JonArya romance, and Arya has been paralleled with Lyanna multiple times. If Sansa really is taking Arya’s place in that storyline, the parallel would be complete. 

- Finally, finally, what I’m looking for in a possible Jonsa end game isn’t really a lust-fueled, passionate encounter. I’d be happy with a semi-ambiguous ending with both Jonsa and Sansa in Winterfell and side-by-side, along with Arya and Bran, because honestly they’re the best rulers the North can have. For a lot of the antis, what they don’t understand is what attracts us shippers to SS Jonsa is not just the aesthetic or the ‘love’ story, but really how thematically both characters fit together, complete each other’s narrative, and their ending would be one eternally satisfying as it fits the overall theme of the saga (if a happy ending for the Starks is what GRMM is going for; it can all end bittersweet or a tragedy for all we know). 

- Finally, finally, finally (last one I promise), I find it laughable how the biggest ‘attack’ on the ship is that it’d be incestuous? Like, hello, do you know how many countries actually legalize marriage between first cousins? And step-siblings too? This isn’t just a medieval concept. Even my own ethnic group accepts marriage between first cousins. I bring up step-siblings because the other big ‘attack’ is that Jon and Sansa were raised as siblings, as if that were more squicky than actual blood relations (but you know it’s ok, cause they didn’t know). Um, no, Jon and Sansa may have been raised in the same house, but they weren’t raised as siblings. If that’s your definition, consider Theon as someone raised with Sansa like her sibling. But no one bats an eye at shipping the two. Jon and Sansa were raised like step-siblings at most. 

OK last bit of life from me tonight. So before there was a wedding there was a proposal. My then boyfriend flew me to New York (where I had never been). We met up with his
cousin’s and went for a walk across the Brooklyn bridge.
While we were traveling he has started writing promises we wanted make to each other for our life going forward.
Important information at this point, he’s a magician. We are walking across the bridge and he asks me to sit down. He then drops to one knee and says ,“don’t move, don’t move. He pulls out the piece paper and says, “Let’s turn those promises into something else”.
He sets the piece of paper on fire and it turned into a ring in my hand. We were overjoyed and almost took a runner out clean at the ankles (it’s in the video. 😏) It was one of most magical days of life.
Thank you guys for listening tonight.

anonymous asked:

Got good shangst recs? I know there's a week soon, but do you have some favorites for what's out there right now?

HECK //SMACKS DOWN DOOR/ I actually don’t have much bc a lot of the Good Shance Content is fluff, which bles? but also darnit I’m goign to struggle w this one

First of all FIRST OF ALL if you haven’t read Closer to Your World you are missing out big time,,it’s so cute I died reading it, and preeeeetty much all you need to know on the shangst side is that Lance goes on the Kerberos mission instead of Shiro 8 ^ )the author promised a sequel, but right now it’s more or less an open ending and listen I AM DYING EVERY DAY

//breathes

ok next– I’ve Been Saving All My Summers For You is A/B/O verse w/ wait for it..asexual omega Lance :DD NOTE THE RATING OK it goes beautifully!! Everything is handled sfw and it’s rly cute and Good

and then the last one,,Chasing Pretty Thoughts (explicit) I admittedly haven’t thoroughly read yet :-( but it’s suuper super well written, and 30k words, and there is definitely langst, at least, so uh,,,,,,read the tags and have fun!

[Edit: Post shangst week add-ons]

Heck?? This one doesn’t I mean.SLAUGHTER you but it definitely hurts a lot :,)) also it’s puppetmaster55 so you kinda know it’s going to b beautiful

Here is Shiro angst, for a change 80c this may be a Lance blog but this is a Shangst list and this is written + characterized really well and it hUrts so //slaps down on table LOOPHOLE.

missing you- runs out of things to start with so finally puts down the actual title; this one’s short but if you’re looking for the angst, it’s got that down pat :,-)

THIS SERIES.THIS SERI Boy I haven’t had time to read the first one yet but the second one is 8 ^ ) Ouch,also it’s from Coran’s POV!! And he reminisces back on ,Zarkon!! FUN TIMES

[Edit: just..more add-ons]

First; all the sequels!! the sequel to Black to Blue and the sequel to Closer to Your World (Y A L L !!!!) are out :-DD

The First of Many only hints at shance and it’s up to reader discretion whether it’s platonic or romantic, but it’s heavy on the lance breakdown if that’s what you’re looking for!!

haarucchii’s short series is a twist on canon ft. hints of clone!shiro angst and kinda-half-pre-established-but-not-quite shance..? 8,) anyways it’s good

finally- Who We Become!! I’m rly hyped about this one aaAAa it’s written well and it features Shiro as a really well hidden double agent, of sorts, capturing Lance, the Blue Lion of Voltron, in some complicated ploy to do..something, I’m not sure what, and it hasn’t updated in a while but I have hopes ok anyways that’s it for now enjoy

Sweep em off their feet- Ethan Nestor

Pairing: Ethan x Reader

Descriptions: I got two requests for a gymnast!Ethan imagine so I kind of combined them a bit aye??? I;m also adding a bit of my ideas in to it so yeah ok I hope y;all are cool with that

(I had to do research for this by the way ur welCOmE)

Warnings: I mean the only I can think of is the reader gets hurt a lil and they have a bit of body insecurity so Ye

(ETHAN NESTOR DO NOT READ THIS JUST CARRY ON)

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Sebastian Stan Request

Hello! Can you please write an imagine with Sebastian Stan where him and his wife have to drop their little boy at school for the first time?


You got up extra early to make breakfast for your son, Evan’s, first day of kindergarten. Looking at the mass amount of food that you had spread over the kitchen island you realized you had gone a little…or a lot…overboard. “Babe, you realize we are feeding one kid right? Not an army.”

“I know,” you turned towards your husband before looking at all the food again. “But I got carried away and wanted to make sure Evan had anything he wanted to kick off a great first day at school.”

Sebastian walked up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist. “He’s going to have a great first day. Try not to be so worried, ok? It’ll make you sick.”

“Ok.” Then you heard the pitter patter of little feet coming slowly down the stairs and taking off towards you and Sebastian.

“Momma, look, look!” Evan skidded to a halt and turned to show off his new outfit. “Daddy helped me get dressed but I picked out my clothes all by myself,” he cheered.

“Awe, you look great baby,” you knelt down to his level to give him a big kiss on his cheek and give his outfit another once over. “You get your good fashion sense from you Daddy.”

After taking dozens of pictures of Evan just sitting and eating and smiling over breakfast you had him stand in front of the house and pose for some more shots. “Babe,” Seb whispered in your ear. “We gotta’ get going. Don’t want him to be late for his first day.”

“Just tell me I’m taking too many pictures.”

“You’re taking too many pictures,” he chuckled and hollard at Evan to get in the car.

You pulled up to the school and parked, getting out and walking Evan through the front doors and to his classroom. You watched the numbers get lower and lower on the doors until you got to room 107 where bubbled letters reading “Mrs. Hunter’s Class” were on the front door.

“Alright,” Sebastian knelt down in front of Evan and put his hands on his shoulders, “first day of school Ev. You excited?” Evan nodded and smiled at his Dad. “It’s going to be super fun, ok? Talk to the other kids, make some new friends, and be nice to your teacher. You think you can handle that?”

“Yes Daddy.”

“Good. That’s what I like to hear.” Sebastian gave him a big hug before standing back up. You bent over and gave you boy a big hug and another kiss. “Have the best first day, ok?”

“Ok Mommy.”

“Daddy and I will be waiting right outside after school to pick you up, ok?” He nodded.

“Ok,” Sebastian nodded towards the open classroom door, “go have a great first day.” Evan smiled, gave your and Sebastian’s legs one last quick hug, and ran into the classroom leaving you and Sebastian watching as he put his things in his cubby and started talking with the girl next to him. You didn’t realize there were tears in your eyes until Sebastian put a hand on your cheek and wiped tears away with his thumb.

“He’s going to be fine,” he promised and pulled you in for a hug.

“I know he will be. But that’s my baby. He was just a newborn yesterday and now he’s in school.”

“Soon enough he’ll be shaving and taking girls out on dates,” Sebastian teased

“Don’t,” you playfully hit his chest and pushed away. “You think I’m bad now. What am I going to do when these two get to school,” you said putting a hand over your extra large belly.

He put a hand around your waist and started walking you towards the door, “We’ll worry about that bridge when we cross it.”

anonymous asked:

“It’s midnight, what do you want?” Nesta (please and thank you)

Hey nonnie, here it is! This is the first time I’ve written Nesta/nessian, so… I hope it turned out ok. (Also thanks for the please and thank you)

I’m tagging a few people here: first, @a-court-of-pain-and-night who also requested this fic.

Also, thanks so much to @hollow-kingdom and @acourtofstarsanddreams for talking to me basically all day about Nesta, it really helped me understand her better. I swear I have a job lol I really liked writing nessian, so there will probably be more of this in the future.

*********

When Cassian wanders into the kitchen of the House of Wind, he is startled to see Nesta sitting on a stool at the island. It is the middle of the night and he hadn’t expected anyone else to be there, let alone her.

She fails to make any sign that she sees him in the doorway, taking another drink from her glass as if he hasn’t just come in, flinching slightly as the liquid makes its way down her throat. A half-empty bottle of bourbon sits on the counter in front of her.

“Nesta.” Her name comes off his lips without his will, an uncertain mixture of pleasant surprise and apprehension. He waits. A small lamp on one counter is the only light in the cavernous room. She has become an odd contrast of shadows and illumination, her profile in relief while the rest of her remains in obscurity. He can make out her shape through the thin cotton nightgown she wears and makes a note to himself to look elsewhere, even as he memorizes the sight. Her hair is in a braid but it has been disturbed, as if she has just woken and gotten out of bed.  

She remains silent so he moves towards a cabinet, grabbing a glass. He turns his back to her and closes his eyes briefly. If she would just say something, call him a name, anything, he could let go of this sense of foreboding. It is rare when she doesn’t have some clever retort ready to snap at him. And now, she hadn’t even bothered saying hello. He finally turns back to her, having no more pretense to give her some semblance of privacy.

“Nesta, what are you doing here? Are you doing alright?” She doesn’t live at the House of Wind. Nesta and Elain live in a townhouse by the Sidra, to have a space that is their own. She and Cassian have barely spoken in the weeks since she came to live in Velaris. He has to keep himself from going to her every day, to keep himself from reaching out to her. The bond that ties them together has been demanding that he find her, touch her, hear her voice. If she feels the same pull, she makes no indication.

He hadn’t planned on seeing her here, now, and while his instinct is to approach her and place a gentle hand on her back, he knows what that would be met with. Hell, if she would let him he’d carry her to his bed, he would let her have it, sleeping on a couch or the floor.

She hasn’t been sleeping well, a fact that she is now chagrined to realize he is aware of. Months of adjustment to this body and nothing has made a difference. There is something humming under her skin, something she realizes is power, but… she isn’t sure what to do with it, yet. Rhys has allowed her to train, to help them in their efforts against the King of Hybern, and yet at the end of the day she still finds herself dissatisfied, lacking something she doesn’t want to name.

He is watching her from the edge of the kitchen while she takes up all the space at the center. She holds her glass at an angle, letting its bottom edges roll over the marble countertop as she watches the liquid swirl, leaving patterns along the sides.

“Stop hovering, Cassian,” she finally says. He bites back a sigh. “It’s midnight. What do you want.” Her voice is so flat that the question has become a statement.

“Well, I wanted a drink of water. But why don’t you tell me, Nesta, why you are here, in the middle of the night. Why aren’t you home?”

To his surprise she responds not with a scoff or a pursing of her lips, but with frankness.

“In the middle of the night, when I wake up, I hear Elain screaming. It has been…” she clears her throat. “I can’t get the sound out of my head.”

She pushes the bottle across the counter towards him. He moves towards her to take it, keeping a wary eye on her. He pours himself a drink and sits at the stool opposite her. It isn’t the kind of thing he would have chosen himself; this is likely Azriel’s bottle, but Cassian figures he can replace it. He takes a drink, the spice and burn coating his throat in a not unpleasant manner.

“She seems ok, doesn’t she? Elain is adjusting, I think. But I…” she trails off, her gaze never leaving her glass. She finishes the last of it before pouring herself another. “She tells me she is fine. How can she be? Feyre is. Feyre is always fine.”

“Elain is doing well,” he replies. He pauses a moment before he adds, “She doesn’t blame you. No one does.”

“Well, that wasn’t my question, was it,” she says sarcastically. “Do you blame yourself? Because you should.” She says the last words with the same dead tone she had begun speaking with.

“Yes,” he says quietly. “I made you a promise. I didn’t uphold my end. It’s quite simple.”

“Cassian.” Something tightens in his chest at hearing her say his name. A minute passes before she continues to speak again. “Once, before our mother died, before we lost everything we had, my father promised me something. Do you want to know what he promised me?”

He nods at her.

“He said that nightmares aren’t real. He said that they are our fears, the things we don’t want to happen. That we have to imagine them at night so they don’t take form during the day. That if I just remembered that the horrible things happening in my nightmares were never true, then I didn’t need to be afraid of them.” She drinks the rest of the bourbon in her glass in a quick swallow, tilting her head to force the burning liquid down her throat.

“He was wrong,” she finishes. Her hand shakes as she reaches to pour herself another, but he covers her hand in his, taking the bottle from her. Pulling her glass towards himself, he makes her another drink, sliding the glass across the counter towards her.

“Promises only count if someone means them. If they aren’t full of shit the minute the words come out of their mouths. You are not full of shit, Cassian.” She sighs, finishing her drink in another swallow.

He would make a sign to her, to tell her he understands, but holds himself back, watching to see what she will say next. He nurses his drink in silence with her, considering her words.

Looking up at him, Nesta wraps her hands around her glass. If she lets it go she will grab his hand, jump over that counter, finally quit ignoring the bond she feels at her core, leading her to him. The thread has steadily become heavy, cumbersome, until she thinks she will go mad from its persistent throbbing reminder. There are things she wants to say, words that live on the tip of her tongue, and when he is around she feels them dangerously close to coming loose and betraying her. She decides that tonight is not the night. One day, she will tell him what she wants. But it won’t be now. Not when she is so close to breaking and she isn’t sure if he can put her back together. If she wants him to.

She moves to stand too quickly and the bottle tips, moments away from falling and shattering. She waits to watch it fall, but before she knows he is there Cassian has moved next to her to grab it, afraid the glass will splinter and cut her. It lands in his hand with a soft clinking sound before he sets it upright on the counter.

They are pressed together now and her hands go to his chest, steadying herself between him and the counter that is behind her. “Is this what you want,” she asks. The teasing note of the words rings false in his ears, the truth of what she is saying and what she wants just below the surface. He grabs her arm to steady her.  

“Nesta, did you drink all of that?” He looks again at the bottle, hoping that its half-empty state is not entirely because of her.

“No. You walked in on my first drink.” She looks up at him and he finally sees a hint of sincerity beneath her nearly expressionless face. What he finds there looks something like pain mingled with trust. Her shield is cracking and he will be damned if he does anything to make her hide from him right now.

“Why did you come here?” He grasps her shoulders, unsure if he will pull her closer.

She feels herself begin to speak before she is aware she has made the decision. “I wanted to see you. To talk to you. I’ve been… I have been having nightmares. And they are real. But so are you.” She searches his face, dragging the tips of her fingers across his jaw. “I don’t know what I want, Cassian. I’m not sure if I want you, or this, or why I’m even telling you this.” She forces her mouth closed, grateful that she hasn’t continued telling him her thoughts. I want to understand why it feels like you can break me, even while I wonder if you are the only one who can put me back together.

“Do you want me to take you home,” he asks, his breath a shuddering in his chest. She shakes her head and begins to lean into him. A slight flush has made its way up her neck, and he tries not to stare at the way the fabric of her nightgown moves on her. “We can sit and talk, if you want. I have a fire going in my room.” He blanches and tries to explain himself when she cuts in.

“Yes. Let’s sit.”

She lets him take her hand from his chest, leading her to his room. He walks in front of her, heart pounding. When they reach his room he gestures to a large, well-worn chair, taking a smaller wooden one himself. Nesta curls her legs under herself, her small form sinking into the cushions. Resting her head on the arm of the chair, she looks at him. He returns her gaze, and they sit like this, taking the measure of each other.

“What do you want to talk about,” he asks finally.

“Tell me… tell me something true,” she replies. The soft and steady tones of his voice take over and she closes her eyes to listen, to learn about him. When he knows that she has fallen asleep, he gathers her in his arms and lays her in his bed, covering her with a blanket. He brushes her hair from her face, watching the furrows disappear and the severe angles of her eyebrows relax. He wishes that he could keep her like this. Not for himself, but for her.

He takes her former place in the chair by the fire, watching her sleep through the rest of the night, barely stirring. While she rests, he makes another promise to himself, to her, and this is one he intends to keep.

letters: stan uris x genderneutral!reader

summary: stan and y/n keep in touch trhough letters after y/n moves

requested: yes!

warnings: angst, emotionally abusive relationship mention, language

-

one week after y/n leaves derry

hey stan,
i miss you. this town i moved to is so big and i hate it i feel so insignificant. you’d never make me feel like that. i’m having some trouble making friends and i’m really starting richie’s trash mouth, he always made me feel better. have him send a few jokes my way please. ask ben what i should do because i don’t know how to handle being the new kid in town. please let me know how you guys are doing.
love you.

hey y/n,
i miss you so much, this little town isn’t much without you. all the losers miss you much, being without you just isn’t the same. come home soon please. richie hasn’t been able to crack jokes like he used to, but says he’ll send some soon. ben says people would be out of their mind not to love you, and i agree. hang in there y/n, things get better.
love you.

one month later

hey stan,
my mom said we’ll come to visit over thanksgiving break, so we’ll see each other soon. i miss derry, but i’ve made a friend, his name’s daniel and he kind of reminds me of bill, he’s pretty shy. i miss you all so much, things are starting to look up, but things just aren’t the same without you guys.
love you.

hey y/n,
i can’t wait for you to come, me and the boys are planning a welcome home get together, but richie’s been acting distant, maybe your return will make him happier. sorry the letter’s short, i have lots of homework, so i can’t wait.
love you.

five months later.

hey stan,
i know i haven’t come over any breaks my moms has been really busy, but she promised we’d visit for a few days in the summer, me and daniel are getting really close, and i’ve noticed he looks like you, or what i remember. you’ve probably grown by now but he’s got blonde curly hair like you. can’t wait for the summer, tell the boys i miss them.
love you.

hey y/n,
i’m so happy you’re finally coming, i’ve missed you so much more than you know. What’s daniel like i hope he a good friend. i’ve grown a few inches, but not much more than that. richie misses you a lot and isn’t really hanging out with us anymore. ben also moved away, but bill and eddie are really missing you. i miss you so much too, life’s been a bit easier since henry and his gang left us alone, but someone has already taken his place as school bully, thank god he’s getting held back and we’re going to high school. keep me updated.
love you.

one year later.

hey stan,
i feel so bad i haven’t visited yet, me and daniel are dating now, and he didn’t really approve of me going to another state for a bunch of boys. i still miss you all so much. forever in my heart stan.
love you.

hey y/n,
that’s great, i really only hangout with bill now. We miss you, i miss you. I miss your face no matter how much it’s changed. come back soon.
love you.

hey stan,
don’t ever send another letter. i’m with daniel.
-y/n

three years later.

You just got home from school on a Friday, “Get the fuck out of my house!” Your mom yelled. You’d been arguing over the same thing for months, you were both fed up. You walked into your bedroom, packed your shit and left. You were 16 now, so you had a car, and you drove. But where to go? Daniel hated you now, which a good thing because he was a possessive mother fucker. You couldn’t go anywhere, not in this city at least. You were a nobody in this town, and you knew it. Nobody wanted to help you.

You just drove, and let the road take you wherever it wanted. You drove miles and miles, going through maybe 3 states passing the welcome signs. Driving for hours and hours until you passed the sign “Welcome To Derry”. Should you turn? Should you keep going? Acting on instinct, you turn into the small town you once called home, and wish you could still call it that. It was 10 by the time you’d reached your destination. Stan.

Did he even still live here anymore? Was he even awake? Questions you didn’t know the answer to came flooding in, but you didn’t care. Not now. You held your breath and you knocked, hoping for the best. You didn’t expect to see a surprised Stanley on the other side of the door, but in all honestly you were so happy you did. You lunged at him and engulfed him in a tight hug, completely falling apart in his arms as you cried into the boy’s neck. You tried to speak, to tell Stan what happened but all that came out was gibberish due to you’re shallow breathing. He grabbed you by your shoulders and pulled me arm’s length away from him.

You got a good look at him this time, his hair had grown out a bit, and gotten a bit darker, he was also almost towering over you in height, which was a little intimidating. His more boyish features had been swapped out for more mature ones, yet he still had that childlike kindness and innocence to his eyes. He looked at you too, and sighed. You saw a girl from behind him, walking towards him then looking at you. Then, she noticed his hands were on your shoulders. Her face fell noticeably.

Stan looked back and forth between you before finally deciding to focus on you, “Y/N, wait outside. Please?” He pleaded with those unchanging eyes and you obliged. You sat on the front steps and shut the door behind you, hearing sounds of shouting and screaming coming from inside, but not being able to discern what was being said. After a while the door opened, and the girl from earlier walked outside and sat next to you, “What the hell are you doing here?” She asked, lighting a cigarette, and taking a puff. “I-I didn’t h-have anywhere e-else t-to go.” You managed to say lowly. She scoffed at the answer, “So you only use people when you have nothing else? What about when they have no one else? It’s okay for you to up and leave?!” She started to get angry. You were speechless, you didn’t even know this girl and she was yelling at you like you’d killed her family.

You didn’t respond, but only let more tears quietly slip out. She was obviously annoyed and walked back inside, which caused even more indistinguishable yelling. You’d decided maybe it would be best to leave, starting to walk back to your car. “Well fuck you too Uris!” Was heard as the girl stormed out of the house, starting her car and peeling out. Your hand was on you car handle as you watched this happen, and you could see Stan, now tear stained face, watching her leave, then directing his attention to you

“Will you come in?” You heard him ask lowly. “Please.” He whimpered. You slowly walked toward the door frame, officially deciding that coming here was a really bad idea, you should’ve just slept in your car. You walked inside the once familiar house and followed Stan to the couch, both sitting on opposite sides. You both sat there in sad silence, and Stan spoke, “Why did you come back?” You could tell he was kind of angry. “She kicked me out, I had nowhere to go.” You said quietly, refusing to look at him. “You know I had no one to talk to, Bill, Eddie, Richie, Mike, they all left one way or another. I was so alone.” He said, so angry, but also calm.

You let a tear slip, “I didn’t know.” He’d finally blew. “Well of fucking course you didn’t know! It’s not like I could talk to you anyway! You told me you never wanted to talk to me again, and I listened! I gave up my happiness for you, and you still tried to come back! After all this time and you’re still trying to hurt me!” He yelled, leaving you confused. “I never said you couldn’t talk to me Stan.” You said softly. He huffed and pursed his lips, trying not to cry even more before bolting to somewhere in his house, and coming back a few seconds later, throwing an envelope on your lap, and standing in front of where you were seated, cornering you. “Look familiar?” He questioned. You looked down to see an opened letter, addressed to him, from you. Opening the letter, you read it. The letter telling him you’d never wanted to hear from him again, only it wasn’t you, you knew the handwriting. Daniel.

You were left speechless, this is why he never responded, Daniel threw away his letter and wrote him his own, pretending to be you. Tears were streaming freely now, and you looked up, confessing to Stan, “I didn’t write this.” Stan’s face, once angry, now collapsed with sorrow, realizing what had happened. “I-I’m so sorry.” You stood up and engulfed him into a hug for a second time that night, this time he hugged you back. “I’m sorry too.” You spent what felt like forever sobbing in his arms, so happy that you got to see him again, you needed him. He did it again, he grabbed your shoulders, pulling you arms length away from him.

Then he pulled you back into him, smashing his lips into yours, it was bittersweet, you could taste the saltiness of the tears, yet it couldn’t be more perfect. Yet, it wasn’t he was with someone. It wasn’t you. You pulled away, “S-Stan I can’t do that, you can’t do that to whoever was just here.” I said solemnly. He looked confused, “Who, Kacie? We’re just friends, she’s kind of my only friend, and she comes over when my parents are gone so I’m not alone. I’d never do that to her or you, ok? I promise.” He looked me in the eyes, forcing my head up and putting his hands on my face, and through my hair. I believed him.

I smashed my face against his in one last desperate effort, before completely falling apart, and crying into his shoulder. Then I knew, home. Home was never in Derry like I’d wanted it to be, but it was here. In Stan Uris’s arms, holding me tight when I needed him the most.