<b>Tolkien:</b> What? You want a bed time story?<p/><b>Tolkien:</b> Oh boy...<p/><b>Tolkien:</b> <p/><b>Tolkien:</b> Okay, I've got it, it's the story of a Hobbit, a wizard and thirteen dwarves, Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, Ori, Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin<p/><b>Tolkien:</b> You better keep up and remember all the names<p/></p>
Who should you fight: The Company of Thorin Oakenshield
There is now a ‘who you should fuck’ companion to this post, for those who want to make love not war.
Balin: Dude survived the fall of Erebor, Azanulbizar, and Thorin’s quest. He survived Smaug twice. It took Moria to take him down, and there was a fucking Balrog in there. Are you Gandalf? Are you as strong as a Balrog? Of course not. Do not fight.
Dwalin: Just look at this guy. He is just waiting for an excuse to feed someone a knuckleduster sandwich. Do not give him a reason to. Death itself looks at Dwalin and thinks ‘I’m not really up to that today’. Do not fight.
Oin: He’s deaf, so you might have the upper hand briefly if you sneak up on him, but that’s not going to last long. He’s a tough old warrior and he’s seen far worse than you. He’ll defeat you and complain loudly about disrespectful youth the entire time. Do not fight.
Gloin: Do you think fighting Gimli’s daddy is going to end well for you? He’s going to kick your ass and charge you interest for it. Do not fight.
Bifur: The axe couldn’t take him out, do you really think you can? Do not fight.
Bofur: Why do you want to fight Bofur? Do you hate happiness? Doesn’t matter anyways, you’re not gonna win. He’s got hella muscles from mining and he’s vicious with that mattock. He’ll probably buy you a beer afterward and then you’ll feel like an ass. Do not fight.
Bombur: Dude is barrel whirlwind of axes and death. He is a tank. He could take you out with nothing but his battle spoon. Do not fight.
Dori: He might seem like an easy target, with his fussy nature and delicate manners, but beneath that elegance lies the strongest Dwarf of the Company. Will kick your ass and make you feel like a clod for making him do it. Do not fight.
Nori: I get why you want to, really. He probably stole something of yours, and he doesn’t look all that intimidating, but trust me. No. Any attempt to fight him is going to earn you a knife somewhere uncomfortable. Do not fight.
Ori: You want to fight Ori? You look at this tiny muffin, this sweet nerdling with his little scarf and his little quill, and you want to fight him? That is not going to end well for you. Beneath that soft exterior lies surprising strength. If you really make him, he’ll grab up some improbably sized weapon and go to town. And that’s if you’re lucky and his brothers don’t get you first. Do not fight.
Fili: Did you see how many knives this ray of sunshine had on him? This guy is a well armed and highly skilled warrior. Do not fight.
Kili: With those puppy dog eyes you really want to fight him? Really? I mean, go ahead you monster, but it’s not going to end well for you. Dude is fuckin’ fearless. Do not fight.
Thorin Oakenshield: After all canon put him through you still want to fight this guy? This guy got used as a warg matriarch’s chewy-toy and just shook it off. This guy is going to kick your ass and then stare into the distance and sigh dramatically while his luscious locks flow in the wind. He kicks your ass and comes out the other side even more majestic. Do not fight.
Bonus Round - Bilbo Baggins: He seems like an easy target, but wait up. Look at his success rate vs really strong foes including THE ONE FUCKING RING. Do not fight. Do not risk it.
TL:DR - do not fight the Company of Thorin. Your flabby human ass does not stand a chance.